I had my first singing lesson today! I felt my voice crack a couple of times. But he checked my range (baritone but he thinks I can do some high notes) and taught me four different vocal exercises I can do each day. Then he asked me to sing a song so I picked LA Woman and sang the first five minutes. I didn’t remember it as well as I thought I did. All my old karaoke songs were with my old range, so I don’t really know what my go-to singing songs are. Anyway he is getting me to learn to sing Yesterday by the Beatles because it’s got a melody to it, and also Stupid Girl by Garbage because I think my range overlaps Shirley Manson’s range. So I practiced Yesterday along with the recording because it’s easier to match pitches when I can hear how it’s being sung. I’m going to try a karaoke version soon though. Anyway it was kind of crazy I have SUCH a huge block around singing but yeah I sang a song in front of someone which is CRAZY I didn’t know I would be able to do it and then I did it. Like I cannot express how huge this block I have had around music is. The guitar was a good intro to being musical, but adding singing is so personal. And people have such extremely strong feelings about what peoples voices sound like. And I also have a brand new voice relatively speaking since it’s only changed in the last few years.

Friday will be THREE YEARS on testosterone, so I think my voice is basically in the range it’s going to be in, but it might keep changing I guess. I can kind of learn how to control the range now though.

Three years that’s amazing. So much has changed! It feels like there were a whole bunch of internal changes, like on a soul level. I opened up to things like exercising and learning an instrument that brought out new things in me. And physically things got way better. I’m stronger, my voice is deeper, I have a few more hairs, I have male pattern baldness which tbh I had hair loss problems before T. But yeah! And I like protein way more, I have bigger genitals, no more unexplained boob pain since top surgery. I am more confident and I think also more curious. Also I’ve been having a lot more sex, like, A LOT more sex. Before I was lucky if I had sex once a year. Now I had sex with a bunch of guys just in the last week (I’m not always that active though). I feel a lot better when I have casual sex, I’m able to be like “Well that was fun” whereas on a mostly estrogen system I would be like “Ok let’s get married now!” Anyway yeah casual sex is great. Relationships are great too. I think I’ve just mostly been interested in my own stuff these last three years more than feeling pressure to get a partner. I mean I have lovers. But no main person. But I kind of like the freedom that comes with that right now.

And learning music has been so fun. And even today, finally singing in front of someone even though I suck at this point and I know it, it was a BIG STEP.

I also finally sang while playing guitar today. I was learning Yellow Submarine because it’s an easy song and I know all the chords. And it’s a song I’ve known for a long time. And the chords are either all down strums or down up strums. Super easy! So yeah I finally FINALLY sang with a song. It’s like a peanut butter cup, guitar and singing together at last! Anyway I might make a video of it after a couple more singing lessons. I am doing them once a week and still learning guitar. Right now I am learning Manic Depression by Jimi Hendrix, which is looking intimidating at all the bends but I’m not there yet.

The other cool part of this is that I am learning more about my own voice which I am naturally interested in for trans reasons. I found out what my vocal range is for my chest voice and head voice so that is kind of cool. I wish I had a keyboard but dammit I don’t have enough space.

I don’t know what I am going to do as a singer songwriter type person. I do know I’ve started having fun when I improvise every day. I learn so many interesting musical things that might be new or are new to me anyway.

I also started reading Franz Fanon today. I bought The Wretched of the Earth and read On Violence. It was so good but I forgot to take my Vyvanse until I was almost finished reading that part, so I might read it again.

I was thinking about how it feels to know liberation might not happen in our lifetime, and how we leave behind all these ideas and codes and things in the hope that someone in the future will be able to free themselves from stuff that seems insurmountable right now. Maybe I won’t see the happy beginning in my lifetime. But maybe I can help people prepare for a happy beginning in the future. I don’t know, things are very grim right now. Even while I’ve been learning all this musical stuff, I still see the genocide in Gaza on my socials like everyone, and it’s so dire right now. I don’t know why the big powers are torturing people like this, it’s so disturbing. And the underlying threat of colonization that it could be us next. It’s very depressing.

I want capitalism to fall. And I think it might. But if it doesn’t in my life time, then I hope I can leave enough beautiful clues in my art for someone to liberate themselves. Capitalism and colonization are two sides of the same thing. I think they both need each other to continue.