All posts by Theo Jean Cuthand

Self Consciousness about Dancing and Music

I’m trying to crack my self consciousness around dancing and music. Like, I just feel very awkward dancing in public which is kind of weird because I used to love dancing in public until someone made fun of me. Which is shitty, esp since they were also a person who likes to dance so I don’t even know why they were acting like that. ANYWAY I am still very awkward about it. And not going to dances which isn’t helping.

I’ve also got a mental block around being musical. Because of my Mom being annoyed by me singing when I was a kid. So I’m trying to break that barrier too, not so much about singing (although I do like to sing alone at home a lot) but more around playing music. I have a ukulele but I haven’t played it in a long time. I actually would like to try getting an acoustic guitar. I think I could have fun learning how to play it. I don’t really want to play in public or in a band or anything, I just want to do it for my own satisfaction. Like spend Sunday afternoons learning a song or something. I don’t know!

I’m also trying to get back into Duolingo even though I find their decision to use AI suspect. ALSO I heard they got rid of the gay content so that they could still operate in Russia which I think is a bad move. Personally I don’t like when my community is eliminated in online spaces. Just a feeling I get.

I am practicing Spanish and German. I forgot all my Spanish but actually so far it hasn’t been bad. I also forgot German or so I thought but I’m doing ok with that too. Maybe I didn’t forget as much as I thought I did. I’m not paying for Duolingo Plus. It’s just regular Duolingo. And it told me today that the German word for Job interview is Jobinterview. But then Google translate told me Job Interview in German is vorstellungsgespräch which is very different than just two English words squished together. I would rather learn the big unwieldy German word because accuracy is important.

I don’t know how I will have time to add learning two languages and a musical instrument into my life, considering all the work I’m still doing, but I may as well. I don’t even have to be doing it all the time anyway. But I haven’t got the guitar yet, so it will be a while before learning the instrument comes up in my day to day life.

I have to empty my sharps into my big sharps container! Ahh I wonder if I should take mine to the pharmacy finally? I have like, a GIANT tub of sharps and it’s probably just getting to the line where they ask you to stop. So I should prob take it in and exchange it.

I remember I had a job for a couple of summers where I would go look for used needles in Saskatoon’s inner city, and one time my partner and I were looking and someone was like “Someone left their recyclables over there!” And it had been some street involved person’s secret stash of used needles. I think we took it but left an empty sharps container behind. I don’t totally remember. I just remember finding it cute they called it recyclables.

Harm reduction is important!

Man! That box of needles looks rank, ha ha I think I’ll do it now since I need to get toilet paper anyway and it’s finally cooled off.

Berry Picking Demo

I have to record a workshop on Friday on Procreate and Unity and it’s not an exhaustive workshop, more like a demo to get people used to the tools. So I’ve been all angsty about pre-recording it because my Macbook has been overheating and shutting down when I use Unity with other programs open. And I had to record Procreate on a separate device. The Procreate demo went fast, I was just making a background and some sprites. 12 minutes! There’s other demos that go more into detail, but I realized I only have an hour for this whole workshop. So I still needed to make AN ENTIRE GAME in Unity. So I did that too tonight, in MANY small screen recordings. I was stopping every time the computer was thinking and you know, not able to do anything, as it does. And the parts at the end when I had to learn why something wasn’t working, I cut that too and just ended up showing what worked. The game itself is not totally finished, it’s just an intro to unity. But the player moves and it has a function.

I didn’t know what kind of game to make until today. I know how to do collecting objects, so I needed to do a destroy script, only I called it PickBerry, and the game was to pick berries off a bush. So the berry sprites disappear when the hand touches them. And then I wanted them to make a bloop noise, so I tried to do PlayOneShot but that DID NOT WORK. I ended up doing all kinds of stuff off camera to get it to work. And it DOES work now, and I showed what I changed to do that. So I cut out my boring attempts to solve it because no one needs that in a workshop. And anyway, the screen recordings are 41 minutes without a lot of editing. I deleted one moment when I forgot to stop the screen recorder. I made 20 screen recordings and then put them all in Premiere Pro and tomorrow I will edit more out of it. So in the end I DID manage to record a demo under 40 minutes. Which gives me extra time to blab about my career in games. My career in games is like, small, I made two games. But there’s things about it that I’ve learned I guess ha ha.

I had a great time in New York last week, I came back on Monday. I saw a lot of art, I went to the Guggenheim and saw the Jenny Holzer show which was incredible. She is one of my favourite artists. I got a hat from it that says “Protect Me From What I Want.” I wanted the hoodie though, and I think I WILL order it when I get more money. It says “Savour Kindness Because Cruelty Is Always Possible Later.”

I got lost in Central Park and then found and saw a John Lennon mascot which I initially thought was Jesus until I saw the little glasses.

I also went to the 9/11 Memorial and Museum and let me tell you that was HEAVY. Holy fuck! There’s a wall that has human remains behind it from bodies they are still struggling to identify. And the main exhibit in the middle which tells the story of that day is really intense but you can’t take photos in it. Which I think is reasonable considering the content. The part that made me cry was a scrolling text of all the voice mails of people checking on their friend who had been in one of the planes. I was just reading them but you could listen to them too. But I was already crying too hard reading them to be able to listen, I knew it would make me even more of a mess.

I later was thinking about as Indigenous people we don’t really have a museum about our trauma. And maybe we don’t need it, but also maybe we do? Maybe it needs to be laid out there for non-Indigenous people to learn about what happened. Because people just kind of don’t want to look at what happened to us. And also I think we’re very private about what kind of trauma is in our communities as a safety thing. I dunno, just some thoughts.

I went to the sexy party for trans masculine people and friends the same day as the 9/11 Museum which was a VERY AWKWARD switch from the emotions of the day. I think if I had planned better I would have gone to see art that day instead. BUT the party was lots of fun and I met new people which was cool. Someone recognized me in the backroom and told me how much they loved my films which was kind of hilarious.

I feel good about doing the demo for Unity today, because I realized I DO know a lot about how to make a game. I’m teaching a class on video game development in the Winter term so I’m happy I’ll be able to do it. I don’t know if I will have to pre-record all the Unity demos though. Because it does cut out the boring time where the computer is working and can’t do anything. But also the class time is longer than an hour FOR SURE and hopefully students are following along.

I also have this for that class now which might be a good intro to Unity and C#. I’ve got to think of specific functions I want to teach students, and how they can find out answers to their own specific functions they want in their games. I’m going to be learning how to make a character that can jump this fall, so hopefully I’ll be able to give them more options for their player controller. Because all my players have been floating heads so far which are very easy to program.

I’ve also got to make some curriculum for a workshop next month on Storytelling, because it needs to get translated in advance into Spanish. So I’ll be doing that. I like teaching skills, I feel like people need to be empowered to tell stories in videos and video games and I know how to do that nerdy stuff and like talking to students. So it’s fun for me, plus getting paid to do it is helpful for me as a struggling artist.

I’m so exhausted now. I spent a lot of the day making sure most of the code I was using was going to work. Because I had to type it all in again. And I think being apprehensive about if the Macbook crashed and deleted screen recordings. But it never crashed because I quit Chrome before working on it. Chrome is a RAM hog. Ugh. Hate it. So yeah in the end it worked out. But I’m glad I recorded today because I can edit it and output it tomorrow morning before I have to go somewhere.

I have to see my doctor who did my Salpingectomy tomorrow afternoon, I think it will be fine, my incisions FINALLY stopped spitting out stitches and healed over. So that’s a relief. I think I might start putting scar sheets on them because they are very dark right now.

Anyway I should get ready to go to bed. I get to see a friend from far away tomorrow so that’s exciting! Hoping my Goodfood box arrives in time, but also might end up having to make something else for us for dinner.

New York Citaaay!

I’m in New York City! My pups are being lovingly cared for back in Toronto. I’ve been here since Thursday and will be here until next Monday so I got another week here. I did the Tosquelles themed film series that I was programmed in at the Museum of the Moving Image and tomorrow morning I am going to go see the accompanying show for it at the American Folk Art Museum. So that will be fun. I saw the Jim Henson Exhibition at the MoMI and it was fucking AMAZING ha ha I saw Big Bird IN THE FEATHER and Miss Piggy and Kermit and many other celebs like some Fraggles and Statler and Waldorf and a Skeksi and also Sarah and the Goblin King’s costumes and the Goblin King STILL has a giant bulge ha ha. And I think also Cookie Monster and one of the otters in that jug band. Many muppets, many smiles from me ha ha. I showed in the same building as Jim Henson! I was in the same space as Big Bird!

Theo Cuthand in front of Big Bird
Star struck with Big Bird

I tell you that’s gonna be a highlight for a while.

I also went to MoMA PS1 and saw more great art. Today I used my Artist Lifetime Pass to the Whitney to go see the Whitney Biennial. I went from there to the Grand Central Oyster Bar and had twelve oysters and a swordfish steak which is probably the most expensive dinner I can kind of afford while I’m here. There were two oysters that were each the size of a chicken cutlet and I had to open my mouth really big to get it in. I almost had to bite them in half they were so big. I wanted to go there for my 46th birthday this year, but I was having passport delays (because of birth certificate delays) so this was my much delayed birthday dinner. So I don’t feel too guilty for spending that much money on oysters and swordfish.

I also got a latte and a tart au citron from the Whitney’s bakery and it was TOO MUCH MONEY. 31 Canadian dollars!!! I should have asked if members get a discount. But it was a great tart! But also I am swearing off eating in museum bakeries/cafes/restaurants from now on.

I stopped at a deli for a sandwich on my way to one of the screenings this weekend and it was way more reasonable. And I ordered burgers on Uber Eats when I was at the hotel, which was way cheaper too. So I think I just got to avoid the super pretentious places for eating. The Oyster bar is not pretentious but it is expensive.

Tomorrow afternoon we are going to a bagel place and then taking the ferry to the gay beach. Which will be exciting. I’ve been carrying around a stick of sunscreen AND using it AND a hat and I’ve managed to avoid burning myself except for the first day when I tried to take on the sun and lost. One day I wore my hat and it was so hot that it was literally WET with sweat and I had to take it off and let it dry during a screening. I also brought my cock hat but I was gonna save that for Pride weekend.

I have a ticket for a sexy cis and trans party on Pride weekend so I am excited about that. I also went to a gathering for the solstice the first night I was here. Tonight I went downstairs to hang out with the Union Docs lab people who were having a BBQ. And I should probably start winding down since I gotta get up early and go to the American Folk Art Museum.

I’ve been doing the subway while I am here which has been a lot better than I thought. I only got lost one time when I took two different wrong trains. But I found myself again! I think it’s been way faster to get around here on the subway, my Mom and I used to use cabs a lot but they always got stuck in traffic. If my Mom was here she would hate the subway though because she’s got a bad knee and there’s a shit ton of stairs and people walking fast. There are some accessible stations but not enough. Anyway, when we were in London in the fall we did take more public transit but it was hard and we could only go on routes that had minimal walking. While here I’ve been walking so much.

OMFG I keep forgetting to write about this! Well, I had hooked up with a guy back in Toronto and while we were fooling around his hand grazed my left side near my nipple and I swear to god there was an erotic sensation! It does feel like something is going on there. It kind of tingles when I touch it now, both sides actually. Not TOTALLY how my nipple used to feel before it was a graft, but it is closer to an erotic sensation. If I pinch it it hurts a bit which is a good sign. Although I knew I had deeper sensation anyway. But the surface being a tingle now is very encouraging for me. I hope when/if I get a revision on my sides that my sensation doesn’t get knocked back again. The other cool thing is the tingly part is even bigger than my nipple. It’s the skin around my nipple too. It’s a pretty wide area actually. So I’m feeling like maybe that sensation will come back.

It would be nice if it does. I’ve been unenthusiastic about letting guys play with my chest just because it was so numb for so long. But it’s been ten months now and I’m feeling like nerves are more connected than before.

Anyway New York has been fun so far, and Union Docs is showing my video game and my videos on Thursday so I am looking forward to that. I’m going to play a demo of my lesbian vampire game and then show some videos (or vice versa I dunno lol) and then the audience can take turns playing the game.

I also got some (very pricey) books from the MoMA PS1 bookstore, I got Revolution is Love: A year of Black Trans Liberation, and then I got Rest is Resistance: A Manifesto by Tricia Hersey which I am SUPER excited to read because I logically know sleep is helpful, but also feel so guilty sometimes if I need a nap. So maybe this will reinforce my respect of my own nap times.

I don’t remember if I wrote about this already, but the thrill of hook up culture is starting to leave me. I’m asking myself questions like “What if I had an ongoing relationship with someone who actually cared to learn about what makes me feel good and vice versa?” A lot of guys just seem to want to stick it in and I’m thinking maybe the Bottom label doesn’t work for me anymore because I want more attention on my cock than my hole now. I don’t know I would always like both being stimulated, but guys don’t really pay attention to my cock which is an issue and why I’m thinking dating for love might be better for me. There was one guy who was amazing at it though and I will probably hook up with him again. I guess it’s a learning curve? My therapist said maybe I should start teaching them what I want which is probably the best idea. Some guys are just selfish though and I need less of them coming over.

I have had more and more romantic feelings for men and men-adjacent people this last couple of years, but still not an actual romantic date with a masculine person. So I aspire to that at some point. It doesn’t mean I haven’t been asking people on romantic dates though, but no one has said yes yet, or not that particular group of people anyway. I was on Grindr the first night I was here but ugh I don’t really think I want a Grindr hookup here.

Chest Update and Shirtless Outdoors for the First Time

So my new chest is doing awesome. I thought I could post a new pic of it here for your perusal. I think I have a bit of dog ears going on, BUT overall still really happy with it. Won’t go to talk about a revision until maybe September. It would probably be a simple liposuction revision on both sides and a bit of removal in the middle. But I’m doing good! Here it is today.

Theo's Chest
My chest today, almost 10 months after top surgery

At some point it won’t be new anymore. Although I guess I plan improvements. Like I still want to build my pecs up.

OK Todd is freaking me out! I have the window open (but there’s a screen) and he keeps looking outside and then getting scared and going under the couch. What is he seeing?! We’re not on the ground floor, all there are up here are squirrels. And maybe the odd athletic raccoon I guess. What ever it is is very concerning to him!

Anyway back to my chest, hopefully a murderous raccoon is not lurking outside.

I’ve decided to start doing pushups every day. I’m starting slow with 30 pushups a day. Although yesterday I could only manage 20. But that’s because Todd thought it was a game and kept trying to give me kisses and was doing play bows because I guess that’s what he thought I was doing ha ha. Lil guy. Posey used to be like that but she’s matured.

She’s so lovely but she really is SO OLD now, like she’s ten but I can tell she is slowing down. She’s on heart medication. BUT ALSO has been putting on weight because she’s eating Todd’s food. It’s a mess, she needs to lose weight. She’s like a little turkey. Or a piglet. I mean she’s adorable she’s just wider than Todd is and I need to get them both into a more equal space, because Todd has been too skinny. BUT he is finally putting on weight so I’m happy about that. But Posey needs less. Ahhh. Pets! Having a really old girl and a really young boy is very different! When Little Mister got old there came a time when he couldn’t really do walks anymore. I would take him out to the courtyard and he would sniff around a bit and then ask to go back inside. So that time might be coming. Although right now Posey still likes a walk. They’re short walks, she goes out for 20-25 minutes. But Todd could probably go for longer. I might try bringing him places with me. I think he could get used to it, he used to go on streetcars when he was just a little baby, getting carried in my bag. But he’s gotten more barky with people. It’s an experiment I guess.

ANYWAY on Sunday I went to boxing class in the park and my shirt turned out to be dirty, so I took it off. It was my first time in the world shirtless! Aside from being in swimming pools/hot tubs! I stuck to the shade, so I think my scars are okay. I might go without a shirt next time at boxing class too. Some other trans masc people with top surgeries have been taking shirts off in class before, but it was my first time!

I’ll definitely need to start carrying around sunscreen though. Because my scars turned out sooooo nice and I don’t want to mess them up. PLUS ALSO I should just start carrying around sunscreen anyway because the sun is not always our friend. Not in this climate, with this amount of radiation. So sad! It feels nice on my chest though, I used to only go shirtless indoors.

Anyway it’s after midnight and probably too late to do pushups, but also it’s finally cooler so maybe I will do them before I go to bed.

Thank god it’s Friday

I’m doing ok, doing work stuff. I am going to be editing a video all weekend but also hopefully have time for a hookup. The dogs can only be crated for three hours at a time, so generally I kick out my hookups after that time has elapsed. I’m a single Dad! I have limitations!

I finally got my taxes done, or rather, got all my stuff together and added up for my accountant to do my taxes. It’s going to be late, but hopefully the penalty isn’t too too bad. I guess we’ll see. I had a LOT of expenses last year, and only so much income, so I’m not sure how it will work out in my tax return. I think I will not have to pay too much, maybe nothing at all. I had a lot of medical expenses last year between therapy and massages and top surgery. And a lot of travel costs. So we’ll see.

I was overwhelmed by all the things I needed to do, so I made a big to do list. And I got through the admin stuff pretty quick. I still have to change my name on my business account so it matches. But I filled out two forms for the credit bureaus in Canada so they will change my name. I mailed them off last night. I also finally filed my corporate return for my production company, so it WON’T get dissolved and I should be able to use it to apply for more funds from funders that need a corporation. I also finished these Equity Diversity and Inclusion videos we made for McMaster, so that’s a relief, it was one of those tasks hanging over my head for ages. And they turned out really lovely, so I think it should be good now. I still need to figure out if I need to update my info in CAVCO and I don’t know where I go for that.

One of my funding things didn’t come through, but it’s OKAY because I made plans for the next year with the expectation that I wouldn’t get it. So I am not counting on it for income this year, and my income should still be definitely above poverty level for a while anyway. So I’m fine, and the plans for that project are shifting but it’s still not cancelled yet. I’m just waiting to hear back from people about where it could go from here and I have an idea of somewhere that could produce it. So it’s working out eventually I suppose.

I’m making money moves! Ha ha.

I got a faculty email account for the first time, which is exciting. So far the only email I have sent is to my Mom and my regular email address to test it. Yes it works! I don’t have a super professional signature on it, so I suppose I should work on that. And I’m not sure if I should put my website or my game’s download link in my signature. This is probably the most professional gig I’ve done, in regards to academics, so I’m not sure a sloppy overshare blog should be on there. ALTHOUGH this is also my artist website, so it is unprofessional in a professional way I guess?

I took a pic of my bulge that the new packer makes in my pants and posted it on Instagram but put the word “dick” in the caption, so it got autodeleted. No dicks on Instagram. It wasn’t my actual dick tho it was just the bulge. Sigh. It’s fine, I think they did leave a second one I posted because I didn’t write dick in the caption. It’s just trans masculine things I guess. It DOES feel nice, even though it’s fucking huge. I feel like it’s such a show off thing though and also kind of silly for me to walk around with since I’m not much of a top. I take turns, I’m not selfish, but also it’s just not my usual thing. But anyway, seems silly to delete something that is on a Rolling Stones album cover.

Anyway, the dogs are fine. I’ve been using that dog corrector spray can when they bark too much and it really works. I haven’t had to use it a LOT, but the times I have they definitely shut up. So that’s good. The neighbours will be happier.

I’ve got leftovers for dinner today. But I need to go through my freezer at some point and throw out all the freezer burned meat so I can put in fresh meat (to hopefully not freezer burn). Lol so boring!

I’ve stopped going to the food bank, partially because I missed my last appointment, but also because my money situation is better. Also I kept getting rice and spaghetti and that’s nice and all but I couldn’t eat it all in two weeks, so I was starting to end up with too many staples. PLUS the food I get at the store is more specific to what I actually like eating. I know it’s a privilege to be able to leave the food bank behind, but also I’m really glad it was there for me this winter/spring.

Interview in Public Parking Publication, and thoughts!

Hey all! I have an interview right now in Public Parking Publication. Have a look!
“I like to think there are alternatives”: in conversation with Theo Jean Cuthand

I think it turned out pretty good!

Anyway, not many thoughts today. I got my new Status Card with my real name and gender on it. For the purposes of reality I just call my current name and gender my real name and gender since I was always heading this way eventually and I feel more me now. Other thoughts is that raising a puppy is HARD! I did not realize how difficult it would be until he was home. But also he’s this sweet adorable guy and I’m really in love with him. Some things that are totally connected to love are HARD. But worth it I guess. At this exact moment he is trying to dismantle the couch cushions. But I love him.

I have a work day today but today it’s creative work so I am looking forward to that. No meetings or deadlines today. But I was hoping to edit two videos. One is very close to being done, I just gotta finish it. The other one needs a breakthrough, BUT ALSO the breakthrough might come when I edit it more.

Anyway have a great Tuesday!

UPDATED image after doing a lot of change

I’ve been driving myself crazy trying to find the featured image that was coming up with all my blog posts, because the image was an OLD pic of me, that isn’t representative anymore since I lost weight, continued testosterone, and started shaving my head. So I went looking through like, EVERYTHING on my dashboard and finally today found where the image is coming from (Yoast SEO plug in). So now when my site comes up places I will feel more myself. Which is good!

I still have to go to the credit bureaus to update my name, and it’s a pain in the ass but I guess would help if I ever want to get a loan or mortgage. I’m making enough money in the next year that I don’t think I’ll need a loan though, but I am not making enough that I would get a mortgage either. I’m in a comfortable spot out of poverty later this year. But I should do that paperwork still. I need to call CRA business accounts and update my HST number though, etc. I also don’t know if I need to update my CAVCO number/code/whatever, even with a different name the code would still work because it’s my first initial and part of my last name, which didn’t really change when I changed my name. It’s all such a pain in the ass, how many government/corporate/non-profit/political databases am I in? At least Jagmeet Singh updated my name in the NDP database. Or not really him, it was a staffer. But still a relief to not be deadnamed by the party I usually vote for.

I also updated my lil website icon! I put the Carmilla fangs in there.

I have so much work to do this summer. BUT today I am going to see the Pixies/Modest Mouse/Cat Power, my friends gave me their tickets and my stalwart concert friend is coming with me! So I’m excited to get out to a concert. Another friend invited me to the Melissa Etheridge concert in Saskatoon so I got tickets for that since that’s the week I will be there. ALSO we have Missy Elliot tickets for near the end of summer. So it’s great, I love live music. The Melissa Etheridge concert will be hilarious for me I think because it’s such a lesbian event, and also because I think I only ever had one of her CD’s and wasn’t super fanned out about her. But Jewel is also playing that day and I think I still listen to a couple of her songs, or they are on my iPhone anyway. OH MY GOD that song Pieces of Me kind of makes me laugh though. Like when she’s talking about all these oppressed people and there’s that one line that’s just “FAAAAAAGOT, FAAAAAAGOT” ha ha ha. Maybe I’m misremembering it, I always skip that song ha ha even though that line is funny. She’s probably changed the lyrics now. Maybe she made it more relatable by saying “TR@NNY, TR@NNY!” I mean I don’t know lol. Cringe ha ha but also funny cringe still just ends up being funny.

I read my own tarot cards last night about my career and got a ton of pentacles. Six of Pentacles, Ace of pentacles, Nine of Pentacles, TEN of Pentacles. So many, and the good pentacles too, not the five which always makes me worry. I also got the tower, the queen of cups, and the Numinous which is interesting. It is weird though because the tower was followed by a ten of pentacles which makes me think it’s not a bad tower. Maybe a redirecting tower.

I have felt that my life is some kind of pinball machine right now. I know everyone’s like “You should have a five year plan” and I’ve been lucky to have even a three year plan. But the thing is funding changes my life plans so much. And it’s not a bad thing, sometimes there’s just not the right people on the jury, or there’s not enough money, or I don’t know, maybe the universe has other plans. I can already see two good reasons why this one funding thing didn’t come through this year that actually have nothing to do with the project but more to do with my hoped for life plans and another member of the team’s current life plans. It doesn’t mean it won’t happen, it’s just like, maybe this year isn’t the right year and the universe knew that. Like I still want to get meta, and if this funding had come through I would have to delay that two years, but now maybe I can do it next year. And it’s a bit of a longer healing period, so it would put me out of commission a little bit. But if I did it next summer I could save up enough for the travel and accommodations near a surgeon in the US. So that’s potentially an increase in life quality that comes from delaying this big project. Like maybe that’s toxic positivity or something, but no I really think it’s kind of a relief. We were hoping to do this project last year but since we didn’t I was able to get top surgery. So in a way things are working out. Very weird. ALSO maybe I could get a hysterectomy, I’m putting it off but this fibroid is a pain and causes me to pee soooooooo much. It’s the size of an orange and yeah, I HATE IT. I thought I would be fine just getting my tubes out, but I do want this fibroid to fuck off for good.

Anyway, I dunno. Events in the spring WERE dramatic, but essentially I had hoped to get the bullying out into the open, which worked. I don’t know if that strategy is good but at least it’s very public that this behaviour is happening. Which is better than just getting abusive emails and not knowing what to do with them. It’s still pretty sketchy with posts that I know my harasser will make any time there is publicity about me. But also now that it’s an established pattern I know what to expect. We all know what to expect.

Time for a Nerdy Bowtie

Todd has been going bananas all day. It was rainy so we didn’t really go out. He was causing all kinds of trouble. I was trying to send a work voice message and he started bringing me all these rolls of toilet paper. And then he knocked over the water dish on purpose. He wrestled with the other dog but I think she got sick of him eventually. Bouncing all over the place. He was a busy guy! Doing too many things!

We got bad news about funding this week, BUT I got good official news about job stuff. I signed my first teaching contract at a university! They actually sent a letter via email that said “Dear Professor Theo Cuthand.” I knew I was gonna teach this class but it still surprised me how emotional I felt to be addressed that way. Like in a good way obviously. I’ve been trying to break into teaching at a University level for like, a long time. And now I will get to teach! So I’m not sure yet if I will like it, but I do like doing workshops with students so I imagine it is somewhat similar.

Professor Cuthand. My Mom was a Prof, my Aunties have been or are Profs, my Grandpa was a Prof. It’s a lot of Profs in my family and now I get to be a third generation Indigenous Professor. That’s amazing! My family was super into education so it’s like, a pretty good trajectory I think, to have three generations of educators. And I’m trying to be fun and thoughtful and engaging in my classes. So hopefully that works out. I haven’t lead a workshop that involved grading though, so grading students will be new for me. But all in all it will be a good experience, or a learning opportunity. My cousin is a Vice Principal at a school in Alberta, so I guess there’s been three generations of educators for a while now. But yeah!

Todd is being a little bug as I type. He’s trying to annoy Posey and it’s working. He’s such a jerk.

A cute jerk though.

I wish things were easier. But also they are fine I guess. I did some challenging things with work this week and it seems to have worked out for everyone involved. AND now I’m a Professor. It’s wacky! I’ve been a little scrappy punk for so long, and now I get to be semi-respectable.

My rent cheque bounced today which was SO FRUSTRATING because it went into overdraft but the overdraft got covered, but they bounced it anyway. I think my bank is trying to pressure me into getting overdraft protection or something, which I wish I DID have but yeah, sucks. I did have almost the whole rent though because it was just this rinky dink 20 dollar automatic payment that came out that fucked me over. Like, SUCH A SMALL AMOUNT which is why I’m so pissed it bounced anyway. AND THEN they charged me 48 dollars plus 5 dollars for returning the cheque. I fucking hate TD. It’s shitty to bank with a pipeline bank anyway, but ugh.

Between TD being a dick, and Adobe deciding to scrape all our work for their AI features, I want to move stuff and find different companies to support, but changing my bank is such a headache, and I still have projects in Adobe Premiere Pro that need finishing. Ugh! It’s really getting annoying though.

So yeah it’s been a mixed week of highs and lows! But the highs are more sustainable over the long term, and I know the lows will turn around at some point. It’s just life I guess, up and down! Also I got invited to another American University to do a screening and talk etc, so I’m glad they’re contacting me again now that my name change stuff is sorted.

I’m 46 now, it’s about time I became a Professor.

A Note to the Likers

I had an awkward interaction yesterday. Someone who was once a friend/curator who had liked that defamatory post about me rode their bike past me and waved. I had actually unfriended/unfollowed them everywhere and blocked them. And they had obviously publicly supported my ostracization. So I’m not sure why they thought they could even say hello to me or wave. If they hadn’t been riding a bike past me I probably would have told them off. But since the people I’ve unfriended and blocked can read this. Yes I am still on social media and if you can’t see my posts it’s likely because I blocked you. And if you weren’t one of my sexual harassers who are also on my block list, it’s probably because likes are public and I noticed you supporting defamatory statements about me without talking to me first. Please do not interact with me in real life, if you support my ostracization then carry through with your actions and leave me the fuck alone.

Just a brother

I was approached on the street the other day by someone who looked unhoused, he was in rough shape but being very polite. He said he liked my tattoos and then it kind of pivoted to asking for financial help, which made sense for the situation. I gave him some money and he called me Brother and did a fist bump. And I realized he wasn’t seeing me as trans at all and def not as a woman, I was just some more privileged man who he saw could help him out. I was telling my therapist about him today and how strange it was to be talked to by a man like this, because I’m so used to being approached on the street as a woman, or woman-lite, or whatever I was before I was getting more accurately gendered. And she was like “WOW you mean he wasn’t objectifying you? That’s amazing!” And then we laughed.

It really is a bit of a mindfuck to be passing on a more regular basis. Ever since top surgery it’s been like walking through a portal to Man Land or whatever ha ha. But like, since top surgery people Sir me more consistently and no one thinks it’s weird for me to be in men’s room and it’s like, fine. It’s so wild! I did get misgendered in the security line on the way to Troy, but that was just the one time. It’s nice to get gendered accurately most of the time though.

Also a trans friend told me men get treated better and yeah that is true too. I remember feeling disrespected so much of my life as a butch woman, and now it’s just like I’m a regular dude who gets regular respect.

I was going to get my nails done, but now I’m unsure. I used to really love it. But passing is like, a system of points, and people do calculations to decide what gender you are. And unfortunately fancy nails are a feminine point that might make people misgender me OR be transphobic. So I’m nervous. I don’t have to worry about surgery for a while now since the salpingectomy is done, so I can totally get them done (anesthesiologists need to see your nails to make sure you are ok). But I am liking just being a Brother in the street.

ANYWAY! Also I am meeting with my nurse in July to talk about metoidioplasty, which I’m still in an exploratory feeling toward. But I want to know what steps I will have to take to get it done. July 25th will be two years on testosterone, and they want you to be on T for 2-3 years first for meta. So it’s probably not gonna happen for another year or two. And I’m very particular about what I want and it’s not going to be full meta, probably simple release and no urethral lengthening or scrotoplasty. And I am keeping my hole. So it’s not a super complicated request but I still want to find a good surgeon for it. OHIP will pay for me to get it done in the States, so I’m looking at surgeons down there. I’ve been looking in the meta subreddits and on transbucket for outcomes and reviews and it’s been helpful. Some of them look really amazing, but some types need vaginectomy to work without so many complications and I’m not interested in that because I’m a bottom generally and more interested in keeping all my holes ha ha. I don’t believe I am interested in phallo at this time, because it’s a lot of surgeries and I guess I am just more interested in having a small dick with good sensation and a front hole that can get penetrated, than in having something I could penetrate with and feel. I DO top sometimes but I’m not really like, compelled to be a top like some people. So I think it would be wasted on me to have a big dick. It would look great I’m sure, and feel nice in my pants. But also if I change my mind later I can do something about it.

I will probably have to lose more weight for meta though, not A LOT, like maybe five pounds. But this one place said they recommend a bmi of 30 or under, and mine is like, 30.6. Which I know it’s a bullshit number, but also five pounds is not A LOT to lose. So I think I will be fine. Unless I get a ton of muscle in the next year or two I guess, which could happen.

What else? Work-wise things are improving. I’ve been doing more gigs now. I’ve been unsure about if my income was lower because I couldn’t travel for work, because someone tried to cancel me, because I’m trans, or because of social media posts about what is happening in Gaza. In the end I guess I really don’t know, but work is picking up and by the fall should be back to normal or even better than normal. So I’m looking forward to that. ALSO May is FINALLY over and I knew for a while that May would be my poor month because of how my income is coming in. So now that’s sorted, I can get back to normal. I’m still stuck on needing an ITIN number though which is super annoying.

I checked to see if the States had a record of my visits from before I changed my name and got a new passport, but so far they only think I went to the USA once for Troy. So I don’t know if the visits under my old name will get linked at some point or not. It feels kind of cool if it doesn’t, just a brand new person.

I’m so glad it’s summer. It’s Pride month and things are happening and people are horny and dressed in less clothing. And my dogs are back and being super cute. Todd had milk this morning with my cereal though and puked it up. Too much milk for a little baby!