Hey! There’s a new interview with me about my short film The Lost Art of the Future.

Have a read!
https://filmint.nu/theo-cuthand-the-lost-art-of-the-future-interview-abigail-yartey/

I hope you enjoy!

My Macbook Pro went to the shop and was toast basically. The things that needed fixing were way too expensive. There was water damage on the logic board from when Todd was smaller and dumped a bottle of water on it. The display was screwed up. And smoking weed indoors ALSO damaged it, which was a big wake up call and now I’m smoking weed outdoors. The great part of that is that I am smoking up a LOT less. Which makes me more productive overall.

My friend lent me some money to get a new Macbook Pro, so I am writing on it now. It’s got less hard drive space than the old one. I am thinking of reformatting my time machine backup and using it as a regular hard drive that has my files on it, because I can’t use the time machine back up on the new Macbook because it’s too small to fit all that stuff. ALSO I don’t need all the old stuff. It’s weird to delete video files though, because I don’t want to destroy that stuff. So if I can put it on a hard drive that works like a regular external hard drive, that would be helpful. I also have 3TB on my Dropbox, so I’ve been putting things there. But really I just got to reformat this time machine and copy stuff over.

Todd went to the vet yesterday so they could look for his missing ball, but it’s way up there. So it’s gonna cost almost 300 dollars just to get that ball out. SO MUCH MONEY when he could have just let it descend like a regular ball. I know it’s not his fault, our bodies do what they please. His baby tooth DID fall out though, finally, like literally the day before he went to the vet. They said he had no more baby teeth and I was honestly shocked because it was there the last time I checked. So that’s 200 dollars I don’t have to spend on it.

I’m relieved I have a new Macbook Pro, although it was SO expensive. But I’m doing a gig that wraps up soon and should pay me enough to pay my friend back. I’m paying her back sooner, so really it will pay me back my living allowance I need as an artist in residence.

My hookups are dwindling this week because I have too much work to catch up on to be able to meet up with people. I used to love having sex with randos, but honestly I have no time for anything like that right now. It seems silly to choose work over sex, but looks like that’s what I have to do for a while. Someone was messaging me A LOT and I kind of had to put a stop to it. Which I feel bad about but also I was not planning to have that involved of an ongoing thing with him. I’m very popular on Grindr ha ha but it’s also a silly place and I can’t keep up with it at the moment. And the people who KEEP messaging when I’m busy are so annoying. If they bought me dinner maybe I would care, but for a hookup? No I don’t need to respond to you this instant. I’m WORKING I gotta feed myself and my dogs. Guys are so pushy.

I did manage to do my marking this week though, so that was good. And it was reading week which was a nice break, but Monday it’s back to work. Monday will be hard because I am leaving here at 5am instead of staying overnight on Sunday. I have a concert to go to on Sunday. It’s Cyndi Lauper! Her farewell tour! I have been a fan since the 80’s and I need to see her before she or I dies. Lol so yeah, I couldn’t give my tickets away. I wanted to go for sure.

BUT I am looking forward to the business class ticket on the way back Monday evening. I get to eat something lovely.

I went to a gala for ImagineNATIVE yesterday, but my lump of roast beef was mostly fat which was kind of hilarious. I never saw so much fat in a piece of roast beef! It was a blob ha ha. I got to sit next to someone who told me some funny stories about the celebrities she worked with. I had to leave early to go see a movie, which turned out to be terrible. But it was a nice Friday night. Tonight I’m just staying home to work on my PowerPoint for class on Monday. We watched Beans! So I get to talk about OKA. I think most students I have weren’t alive when it happened. My experience of OKA was just watching it on the news being horrified. I have an uncle who was one of the warriors there. He came into our family after OKA and is my cousins dad. I really admire the people who were there. It was a big moment in my life, seeing my people fight for our rights. ALSO what I love about Beans is that it was the first time I saw Indigenous Girlhood being represented in a film. OH I mean except for Whale Rider, but she was Maori. I haven’t seen Whale Rider in a long time.

Hard to believe my class is halfway done! I could talk about Indigenous Cinema forever, there are so many other good films I didn’t have time to squeeze in.

I was looking at my calendar today and realized a grant deadline was coming up. And I needed to write a script before applying, because it’s for a dramatic short. I realized Telefilm is not going to give me money for a feature unless I keep making short dramas. Although I love experimental docs and don’t think that contraindicates being a feature film director. But apparently it does. SO ANYWAY I had been wanting to make a short about poverty. And I’ve been talking about it for a while but it just hadn’t gelled yet. BUT this deadline was coming.

Not to mention there are issues with my Macbook Pro where I have vertical lines on the screen. I’m hoping it will hang on long enough to do this workshop tomorrow. HOPEFUL! But also I knew it probably wouldn’t survive long enough to write a short script this weekend. So I had TODAY to write it, because my scriptwriting software is on my Mac and I don’t want to get a PC version and pay more money for it. And I opened my notes about the film I wanted to make and realized there was finally enough. So I wrote it. In like, an hour, eleven pages. Maybe an hour and a half. That’s the fastest I’ve written a script. BUT ALSO I had been percolating this idea for months, so maybe it just spewed out. And it was all about poverty and how hard that is and the decisions you make and feeling like you’re not able to be there for people you care about. So it was a lot and the end is SUPER SAD and made me cry. And now every time I read the end I cry. Which I guess means it’s working. But then I shared it with my Mom and she was like “Yikes that is depressing!” Which makes me wonder if it’s a lot. BUT ALSO it’s reality that Indigenous people live with. And poverty is violent. And the death in the script isn’t directly linked to poverty, but the poverty the main character experiences is what keeps him from being able to be present for his loved ones. So it’s a bummer script really.

BUT ALSO as someone who struggled with poverty, especially during the last year, I wanted to talk about how violent and coercive poverty can be. Like it’s not like he’s killing pigeons to eat squab at home (although I have heard of people having to do that). But it is depressing. He’s a good character too though, he’s an Indigenous trans man and I think I’m going to be the actor for him. I’ve wanted to act in a dramatic short of mine, I think I can do it. And with a small enough crew I won’t feel self conscious about it. And it’s easier than trying to find such a specific type of actor. So yeah, I will be directing AND acting which is, you know, different. But doable. And there aren’t a ton of locations, just a call centre, welfare office, the main character’s home, and a pub. And the outdoors, but like, the front sidewalk of his house. So that’s minimal. And the pub just has me and an actress in it. The call centre and welfare office could be the same location with minor changes, and that’s only three actors and the main character. So it’s all doable, with specific angles. Like, I don’t want to pay extras for the pub scene, so it will just be them in the corner together. And I’m hoping to hire someone I’ve worked with before for the girlfriend role, who is a trans character. And then there’s going to be some stuff “online” and some printed correspondence and some texts and some phone calls. The phone calls will be easier because only one character will be on camera.

So I have planned it out as low budget as possible. Three locations, I could probably shoot it in two days. Three at the most, but the pub scene will be short because it’s only two pages of dialogue, and the welfare and call centre office could be most of the rest of the shooting day. I’m thinking the scenes in his home can take up one whole day in one location. So yeah! That’s the plan.

After I wrote it I completed the grant application for it. I’m asking for $15,000 for it. I did a rough budget. I’m hoping it comes through so I can shoot this spring and edit myself for a summer finish. It won’t take a ton of time to make. It would be done in time for fall screenings next year. I just hope no one says it’s poverty porn. It’s not porn! It’s just life when life is rough! Not all of us can be non-triggering in talking about our life experiences. Sometimes life fucking sucks and poverty makes it worse. Although he does make porn in the film, but not onscreen, just behind his bedroom door.

Yeah. It’s depressing but human I think. But will probably make a bunch of people sad. BUT ALSO it’s about poverty and that’s the point.

People are so ashamed when they are poor. I know I am. It feels like being a failure, instead of how the system is working and failing people.

Anyway the university had lent me a laptop for work, and I’m using it now while trying to preserve my computer for this workshop tomorrow. But if the lines get worse I’m not sure what I will do, it will interrupt me being able to show how this program works. So wish me luck I guess! I might download the software onto this computer too. Although I am hoping to record Spanish zoom interpretation on this computer. AHHH WORK.

I also have to mark assignments this week. It’s reading week, so I can catch up on all of that. The deadline is tonight for the students. So I will have most of them to start tomorrow night. I’m going for thanksgiving dinner tomorrow afternoon, which should be nice, after my workshop.

It’s Wednesday! Hopefully I don’t just forget I’m writing this blog post and wander off until Thursday, although I do have ADHD and it’s been known to happen.

I got closure on an old relationship recently which was REALLY FUCKING GOOD. I just realized nothing was going to change in that situation, and it’s made it easier to move on. I hate getting stuck on people but I was SUPER stuck on this one person. But I think I was more stuck on possibilities and not the reality of the situation. And now knowing the reality of the situation has stayed the same made me able to abandon the possibilities. Plus my idea of a good relationship is evolving to something possibly not needing cohabitation, and definitely not monogamy, so I’m looking for something different now than what I wanted with that person. But even so I said something that they will definitely not forget and move on with me from, so yeah. I mean I criticized their partner, which was probably bad. And yeah it’s probably not something I would do now, but also it was just looming in my head which I guess is why I said it.

But anyway, now there’s finally space in my heart for someone new. My therapist and I were talking about it, she said I didn’t need to fill it with someone right away. Which is true, and something I always used to do as soon as I moved on from someone. But I’ve been in therapy to deal with my attraction for unavailable people, so I think I need to have a longer audition process for potential partners. I mean just date for a while before deciding on things. I also have this bizarre public profile as an artist/filmmaker/etc and so I need to find someone who can handle that. I really need someone who isn’t going to be worried if I post a couple photo to my instagram that has 2529 followers. I know it’s a lot of followers! Not a ton, not a Kardashian level of followers. But someone who only has 400 followers might be intimidated.

I hate being intimidating which is something I didn’t really consider when I became a more publicly known figure. I was telling my therapist one time about how I feel like I’m too powerful sometimes, to where being seen with me online is kind of like trying to shoo a small fly away from me and me accidentally squishing it. Like I don’t MEAN to cause harm but sometimes it just kind of happens by being publicly linked to me. And not that I have a horrible reputation (except for that defamatory series of posts about me) but just I don’t know, it makes people more visible when not everyone feels comfortable with visibility. It’s probably why I mostly post selfies and art and flowers and food on my Instagram.

I watched Will & Harper the other night, and the scene where they are looking at all the transphobic tweets made me sad. I know they are both public figures, but Will Ferrell has a more public facing role in his career than Harper and so everyone would notice him and by extension his trans friend. And have an opinion on it. It was really interesting seeing Harper try to engage in a road trip across a country with areas gripped by transphobia, with a celebrity friend with her.

It’s strange being a public figure but also to transition. I don’t know if I talk about that a lot. Someone was asking about my deadname at the opening the other day to make sure I was the same person and I don’t know. I guess I’m supposed to just say “I’m Theo I used to be Thirza.” But I don’t really feel the need to say that. But there’s also this pressure to like, forbid any visible remnants of Thirza, while I just don’t feel like editing all my videos again to change my credit line. But yeah I’m sure lots of colleagues have negative opinions of me transitioning, not that that really matters to me. But everyone seems to have an opinion of what people do with their bodies, and politicians have been trying to make my health decisions EVERYONE’s decision, which is unhelpful.

We need to get rid of the notwithstanding clause actually. It’s just being used to suspend the charter of rights and freedoms for trans people, that’s total bullshit. I hate Canadian politicians. Most of them anyway. The conservative ones especially.

Sometimes I talk to gay men on the apps and find out they are conservatives, or have no issue with the Conservatives taking power. And I’m always like wow what is your problem? That’s like the mice voting for the cats.

I was in business class on Via Rail coming back from London the other day and reading this sad story about a mini dachshund who died after being neutered because of complications with his undescended testicle and how his prostate got removed instead and his urethra. And omg I got SO SAD because Todd has to get neutered in a couple of months and he has one undescended testicle, so the same complicated thing could happen to him. I really hope not. His vet seemed confident at one of his puppy check ups that they would be able to get it out no problem. But I am still a worried dog dad.

Not to mention I am wading through all the paperwork for my own bottom surgery which will add nuts to my body and make my dick not tethered down, and I know there might be complications like with any surgery. But actually, even though it’s a bit scary for me, I have less concern with my own surgery than with Todd’s. I don’t know why I’m more worried about him. Maybe because if something goes wrong for him he could die, whereas I might just end up rejecting a testicle implant or something. Which is concerning but like, I would live. Or even if I lost sensation, I would at least still be alive. But Todd is just a little guy and I’m the one in charge of him and keeping him safe. I guess my surgery could go sideways and I could get sepsis and die. But that’s unlikely.

Anyway, Todd is getting too humpy in his adolescence and starting to be more aggressive so he DOES need to get neutered. Plus it will be easier to board him in a kennel if he’s fixed, and his license will be cheaper, and we could go back to dog classes. It will happen, I’m just going to be terrified when he goes in for his surgery. And will probably pray even tho I’m not a praying man ha ha. He also still has a baby fang that needs to get pulled while he is under, it’s super wedged into his mouth behind his adult canine. Just didn’t come out. Ha ha omg what is wrong with my dog? His baby tooth didn’t fall out and his testicles didn’t both come down, just the one. He’s holding on to stuff he doesn’t need to hold on to.

It’s a metaphor for life I guess ha ha.

I’m doing well aside from my worries about Todd. I’m still practicing my guitar almost every day. I have discovered I can practice in the mornings on Sundays too before I go to the train station. I’m not going to have access to my guitar for a lot of the next week though, since I’m away Thursday night and then Saturday until Monday. I’m finally seeing my guitar teacher for the first time next week. He seems cool, I’m not sure where we will start from. I can’t read music, I’m not great with tabs but I kind of get the concept, I know maybe three chords. I can play Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Smells Like Teen Spirit, Take a Walk on the Wild Side, that one line from Born In The USA, Wild Thing, the Mission Impossible Theme sort of. I need way more practice though. I learned the pentatonic scale today and I think I know the G scale too. I know how to do spider walks, but when I’ve seen youtube videos of them it seems everyone does them differently and I’m not sure which is the best way to do them. I have small hands so doing chords across three frets is hard for me, so I am hoping a teacher will show me how to be able to hold those chords properly. I sometimes wonder if I should have gotten a smaller guitar, but also I love my Martin Dreadnought and it’s the same style of guitar (not the same version tho) that was used on one of the songs I want to learn for Personal Reasons. And it’s pretty. And it makes me happy. I must be holding it better because my back pain has eased up and I really think it was linked to poor form and posture.

My back felt so messed up for a while that I thought I was like one of those people attacked by the secret weapon in Third Body Problem where they get cut into pieces with mysterious beams. I was sure my head and shoulders was just gonna fall off at some point. But I guess it was just the way I was holding my guitar, because I watched a youtube video that was more instructive on how to sit with it and since then my back pain has eased up a lot.

I also worked with the metronome more to learn timing, because mine is messed up. PLUS sometimes without the metronome, I find I try to hurry things up and then my hands get sloppy and I hit wrong notes.

Anyway, tomorrow I go back to London for an artist talk. Then I come home on Friday, have a hookup with a new hottie, and Saturday I go to Ottawa to do an artist walk through at this show I am in. So that will be nice, I’m so tired. I have to do a quick powerpoint tonight of some images I want to show for my artist talk tomorrow. I’ve been making PowerPoints for class and it’s been a lot. But I am more familiar with how to do them now so that’s cool. Anyway I also have to pack my bag for leaving early tomorrow morning. My train is at 11:30am. I guess that’s not SO early. I think it’s the train back the next morning that is early.

Ahhh artist talk! I could do the PowerPoint on the train, but that is cutting it too close!

So I DID do that pros and cons list about applying for the job in California, and it was kind of depressing. Like, ten pros to twenty-five cons. Which is very overwhelming. I decided not to spend my limited time applying for the job. HOWEVER I have not totally ruled out EVER moving to the States for work. Just not at this time. It also interfered with some long range plans I have. Like, I need to be able to schedule in my filmmaking and hopefully a larger project that would take more time. And I’ve really been conscious of how limited my time is for work and stuff. Like, even this teaching thing, I have realized one class a semester is probably doable. But two a semester AND trying to keep on top of my art practice AND being a little disabled dude? I don’t know about that. Not at this time anyway.

My therapist was being really supportive of me doing whatever I decided, but I could tell she was really happy that we would have more time together because I am staying in Toronto. I’m also not done therapy with her because there’s long range goals I’ve been working towards and we aren’t there yet. And also I have had a number of therapists/counsellors in my life and she’s been the best fit for me and has helped me become more of who I am. So having to search for a totally new therapist is daunting, even though at least I finally know what type of therapist works best for me. Plus the idea of starting from scratch with a new one, ughhh. And my therapist has seen me on two different hormonal systems too which is nice because she remembers when I was all hopped up on estrogen and would just come in and cry from beginning to end of our sessions, and me now where I just talk about what is going on and once in a while get teary.

Anyway, that dream of moving to California kind of got cancelled for now, but I’m not saying no forever because things could change for me. And I’ve learned that change is just part of life. And there was a person I had deep feelings for once upon a time who lives over there and maybe I will meet someone who lives there and wants to be with me. Like there’s just variables I am unaware of right now that could happen in the future.

I’ve been communicating with ancestors more these days (lol ancestors, I mean my Grandpa really) and I was just thinking on the train about why he never tells me future stuff. Like he’s not giving me advice about exactly what happens in the future. I think maybe the future is so unstable really that it’s hard to exactly say what will happen anyway, even if you are a spirit. And what good does knowing the future do for me anyway? Is it helpful? I see psychics sometimes, and there was one who got SO MUCH correct, but even then the thing I was hoping would happen that she saw happening didn’t happen. I was talking about this with my therapist once and I was like “But she said so much that was true, but this one thing she said doesn’t seem to be happening!” And my therapist said something like “Well I don’t know how the future works!” Which is so honest and just something I should probably accept. I heard someone else say psychics work with probabilities, like, these things are LIKELY to happen. But it’s never really guaranteed. Anyway it’s probably better to get advice from a spirit than a set future that might not be 100% for real.

Anyway, I’m over halfway done my PowerPoint for class tomorrow, so I should go finish that and then order some dinner. Last class I accidentally subjected them to Dua Lipa and then Tyler Tarot because the autoplay was on my YouTube. I have fixed that now! But every class I have forgotten how to set up the AV, and I am using a Windows computer for class that I have next to no understanding of. I just don’t want to bring in my Macbook because it’s near the end of it’s life and overheats and shuts down and plus I look at rude stuff on it and plus sometimes I get notifications on the screen and I don’t need my students reading my texts. Oh man. That was the worst invention, on screen notifications. I don’t mind notifications for my calendar, but like, rude texts that are not really rude but maybe inappropriate for my students to read? No thanks!

I went to the Polaris Prize Gala last night, it was nice! People were getting rowdier and rowdier as the night wore on though because they were drinking and getting drunker and drunker and more cringey by the minute. Or at least some people near me were driving me kind of nuts. I don’t know what happened to concerts where now people sing along but I don’t pay to listen to drunk people singing and that’s just a thing now. Lol ok that’s my crabbing for the day. But really I feel like this is a newer phenomenon? I don’t know.

I did really love that Jeremy Dutcher won though! I was glad to see his speech.

In other stuff, I’ve been doing a lot of different types of work things these days. There was a workshop I lead on Saturday on video production and I taught my class the other day and I got in an application to a fellowship and I’m helping a friend with her script. And soon we’re getting money from Telefilm to do another couple of drafts of the script. So it’s busy times! I am still probably putting my application in to that job in LA. BUT I also know I need to do a more exhaustive pros and cons list before making major decisions. Like, what if I get fired and I’m living in California with no money to get back to Canada? Or what if the pay isn’t enough? Or what will happen with my relationship with my therapist (not an inappropriate relationship, just the therapeutic relationship)? What if I am doing better here than I would be there? I know so many people here and it’s hard to get re-established somewhere else. Especially as an older person.

ALSO I got my approval for funding for bottom surgery! But it had an error in it that included vaginectomy. Which I didn’t want as I am still using that! So I got some anxiety and then someone else who dealt with OHIP told me to email them and let them know and so I did and they got back to me today and let me know they would resend the approval letter today WITHOUT vaginectomy. So that got fixed so quickly! I’m really happy I didn’t have to fight to keep it, because I know of someone else who had to fight to keep his front hole and get a phalloplasty, and there was a case recently of a nonbinary trans person who had to go to court to get penile preserving vaginoplasty covered because OHIP kept insisting they needed penectomy if they wanted vaginoplasty. ANYWAY I should get that letter soon and then I have to fill out a ton of forms on the GRS website to get in the queue to get my file looked at. They said 6-9 months to get my file assessed or whatever and then I guess we can do a consult. And I don’t know how long after that to get the surgery. I’m hoping I can do it next summer. But it also might get interrupted if I end up moving to California, so again another con in the pros and cons list.

I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow and I think I need to do this pros and cons list today so I can get a bigger picture of what I am thinking/feeling about potentially going to California. Like even just with therapy, she’s such a good therapist and I was hoping to still be with her when I was forming my next relationship because I feel like it would be helpful. Ah ha ha but what if my future partner is in California and not here?

See also around this time is when I would usually see a psychic but I saw one recently so it feels silly to see someone again so soon.

Anyway I think I’m going to go make this pros and cons list and start my powerpoint for class next week and also I have to squeeze in some guitar practicing time.

I’ve been doing good with guitar! I practiced almost every day that I’m in town except for one extremely busy day. But everyday between 15 minutes to an hour. As I learn more, my practicing goes for longer. I learned Take a Walk On the Wild Side yesterday which is super easy because it’s a bar of A chord and a bar of D chord over and over. I haven’t tried singing along with it yet. I know I have to practice singing at some point but omg I need vocal lessons too. Actually vocal lessons would be helpful even just with my voice changing from my second puberty. I’m hoping to start classes soon but this week my teacher is away and next week I’m away.

BTW I did my pros and cons list and the cons list is unfortunately longer at the moment.

I have been so fucking busy the last few days. Sunday I went to London and finished my PowerPoint for class. Monday I was up at work just after nine working on my video game, taught my class etc., and then I went to the train station. Got home about 10:30pm and I hadn’t been hydrating myself properly so I was super dizzy when I woke up the next morning. And so then Tuesday was kind of a wash, I was just rehydrating and eating properly and recovering from Sunday/Monday. And Wednesday I went to the optometrist and picked new glasses, and then went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned. No cavities! Then today I had therapy and then Ubered to my top surgeon’s clinic so they could do a revision consult with me. So that got scheduled for December when my class is done the in person stuff. And today I also did a lot more work, I wrote a letter of recommendation, and worked on my PowerPoint for next week’s class, and did a reading and watched some short films to include next week (it’s Taika Waititi next week!). So that was cool. And I drew my first asset for my game, a mace! I need to draw so many things omg and I think I need a new Apple Pencil.

Tomorrow I am helping my friend with top secret film stuff, and also continuing with my PowerPoint and also doing some writing for some applications.

I got a really nice job opportunity sent to my email inbox, and I was debating if I would apply (I’m assuming it starts next fall because it’s a tenure track position and they have to do the whole job search thing this academic year). ALSO it’s in Los Angeles. And I haven’t done my whole pros and cons list yet, but even though I was kind of like “Oh maybe it would be super bro-ey” I finally looked at the program’s webpage and the department seems really progressive and artistic. And looking at their job application stuff, it seems like they are looking for someone like me. Which might be why they emailed me the job advertisement because I know I’m not on their mailing list. Anyway, I hadn’t really thought of moving to Los Angeles, so it’s kind of a long shot for me and not really where I was expecting to go. BUT ALSO it’s really early days and I haven’t even submitted my application yet. AND ALSO it would be nice to have some regular income after this artist-in-residence position wraps up next year.

I talked to my therapist about it today because she and I would have to stop seeing each other if I move, which is hard on me, but also I think if something like this worked out it would be worthwhile to move for the job. It’s weird considering a change this big though. I don’t know. Moving cities/countries is a big deal. Even moving here from Saskatchewan was STRESSFUL and hard. I think I would abandon all my furniture though, I would get rid of a lot of books too. I would try to move as little as possible, because when I came here I brought so much stuff I really didn’t need.

It’s a lot to think about!

I’ve also got another application for a thing I am working on. A lot of work! I am also leading the video production workshop on Saturday for Crushing Colonialism, so that’s something I need to prepare for. I feel like I’m just going to be constantly working for a while now. Which is good in some ways, because it means I am making money. But hard in other ways because I need to carve out moments to rest so I don’t burn out.

I didn’t have time to go to the gym this week so far, which kind of sucks. I’m hoping Saturday I can go. I have so many responsibilities and I take them all seriously, but I did want to keep working on my body because it’s making me happy and relieves stress.

I’m still working on playing my guitar! I know I need to start lessons soon though because I need some direction in what I should be learning. I play every day that I’m home though. My fingertips are starting to get a funny pins and needles sensation because they are building callouses. Which is cool! My friend who plays guitar told me I would notice them in two weeks of playing, and it’s true! I think my baby finger needs work though. But at least three out of four fingers on my left hand are getting good. I need a teacher who will show me proper form though and stuff. I’m such a baby guitarist!

I got an email from a casting director for Canada’s Got Talent who wanted to know if I would audition for the next season and I was like omg what would I do? Nude trans performance art? Also Shania Twain is the judge next year, that don’t impress me much (ha ha it kind of does tho). BUT realistically I can only play one line from Born in the USA and I also learned the opening riff for Eye of the Tiger, but that is so limited and I am not going to scar my psyche by playing my piss poor guitar skills in front of Shania Twain. It would be incredibly funny though, to go and be such a sad beginner. I can’t even sing, or I haven’t tried since my voice changed anyway.

It would be cool if I was a good singer now that my voice changed. It is a sexy voice, maybe it’s a money maker beyond narrating experimental documentaries.

So I’ve been noticing Twitter is way more fash in the last year etc. since Elon took over (probably an understatement on the fascist stuff). And there’s a shit ton of bots being run by foreign and domestic governments, and accounts run by people paid for by foreign and domestic governments. I recently saw a post of a link to an Israeli government fee sheet for people posting on behalf of the government that outlines how they are paid for their actions online, including being paid for engagement with their posts, even negative engagement. So it feels less and less like being part of any kind of reality to be on sites like that. I find this similar on Facebook, but have family members on Facebook so that’s keeping me there for now. It’s probably similar on all social media across the board really.

But Twitter/X was ESPECIALLY clearly destructive in terms of manufacturing a reality we really aren’t living in, making things stressful for me as a trans person also. And the good accounts have mostly left Twitter/X. And really it just felt like staying there was giving the site some kind of legitimacy when really there’s so much bullshit there. I know there’s some good people still trying to raise awareness about important issues. But the fact that I had to wade through so many dubious accounts and bots just didn’t make it worthwhile to stay. It felt like being in the Matrix! What’s even real there? Never mind the AI and shit, just so much dubious content. And it just gave me anxiety to be there.

I’m still grappling with my Facebook addiction, so if you have any tips for how to reduce my time there I would love to hear it. I’m not ready to completely delete it, but if I could just be on there for a certain amount of time a day that would be better.

Anyway, I am not judging people who stay on sites like Twitter, but just think critically about the accounts you engage with and who is benefiting from your outrage or anxiety when interacting there. They really are just propaganda sites now and society is being manipulated by using them. So I’m out.

There’s a medical emergency going on with someone I am close to, but he’s a very private guy and I already mentioned it elsewhere and I don’t think I’m going to write about it here cause he would probably hate it. But it has added some stress. Luckily he’s improving and I’m sure he’s going to pull through, although it will be a while. It’s just a lot to be dealing with right now on top of everything. And I got misgendered and deadnamed when someone put me down as his relative, so THAT’s been a whole thing to deal with too. My old name isn’t even legally my name anymore, and legally I am male and not female. And I have a dude voice. So it’s kind of frustrating. The old me does not exist on paper anymore, all my ID has Theo on it and M.

ANYWAY that’s all I will say about it here.

I’m still getting ready for class on Monday, which I am excited about. It’s the first class so I am trying to keep it a bit lighter. But we’ll see. I don’t want to talk about that very much here either because social media + teaching can go awry so easily. So I’m just keeping that private too mostly. I don’t know anything I would mention anyway, besides maybe being excited about the content I’m covering. I don’t know that a blog is social media, no one is interacting with me here except for a couple friends who sometimes leave comments. But I guess it does have a bigger audience.

So the things going on in my life otherwise are pretty okay. I’m still practicing guitar every day. I was falling behind in this youtube 10 day guitar lesson thing I was doing, so I switched it up and started learning about super basic exercises to practice instead. Things that teach me how to do fingering and strumming and picking and scales etc. Not so much focused on learning songs right now, but I’m hoping getting these steps down will give me a better place to move back into learning songs. I still know that one melody for Born in the USA which is hilarious, I should learn at least one other melody before my neighbours think I’m a big Bruce Springsteen fan. I played today until my arm muscles got fatigued. It was nice, I should probably try to get into my gym habit again too, especially since my YMCA membership is still active and I need to work off some stress energy.

I was making a weekly schedule I’m going to try and follow and it goes like this:

Sunday – Go to London
Monday – Teach, go to Toronto
Tuesday – Work, Gym, Guitar
Wednesday – Work, Guitar
Thursday – Therapy, Work, Gym, Guitar lesson
Friday – Work, Guitar
Saturday – Gym, Guitar

I think this schedule is sustainable. That work day I did this week where I went at 6am and came back at 9pm was NOT very successful. I even ate throughout the day, and still the sleep deprivation kicked my ass. I have Cyndi Lauper tickets on a Sunday night in Oct and was going to try and do the 6am-9pm commute the next day, but now I’m not sure.

BUT it’s Cyndi Lauper’s Farewell Tour and I would PROBABLY regret not going. Why does she have to perform on a Sunday? Curses!

Aww ha ha after all that shit went down in March I was like “I should just never say anything about any nice thing I do again!” Like in case it got evil eyed I guess even though that’s not really an Indigenous concept. I don’t know, I guess there’s people who do bad medicine. And I did have a dream recently someone tried to stab me with a fork but I fought them off anyway. I don’t want to get cocky and be like “no one can ruin my life with evil magic” but I mean fuck I don’t know. I think I’m protected spiritually though. And I mean it was mostly to get buff, but I did do all those boxing classes for years so physically I’m not completely helpless. BUT ANYWAY the point is I still get excited about life and no sour apples are going to make me stop being excited about the things I do in my life. Even if they get ruined I suppose, because at least I got to enjoy it for a while.

Big picture career wise my feature is going back into development and some stuff is getting moved around to see if we can get money in a different way. And people keep complaining about the violence but it is a film about violence against Indigenous women. So I am trying to figure out a way to convey the same stuff but not in such a graphic way. There was a horrific case in Winnipeg about a serial killer necrophiliac and that is so fucking evil and nothing like that is in my film. But it’s just like, I think I AM holding back on the violence already, but I am supposed to make it even less graphic. So it’s something I am considering, how to sensitively talk about violence against Indigenous women. It’s been hard writing a film about trauma to begin with. And it’s kind of odd because I also want to make a sitcom someday about nothing to do with violence, just some light fluffy fun series. So I guess I just don’t want to get pigeonholed because I make one type of genre film. BUT ALSO like yeah awful things happen. And it’s not like I’m making SAW but with Indigenous women, the lead character does have super powers and even her partner has agency and is well rounded.

So yeah. SIGH ha ha omg. Making a film is hard, especially in budgets over 2 million, and I had a brief moment where I was like “I’m giving up!” But people keep telling me not to give up so I guess I have to keep going. And we do have a distributor so it’s like, there’s some stuff in place that will help it get made.

And then I make experimental films which are usually not so horribly expensive, but also not the right form of film according to Telefilm. Although I did direct some dramatic shorts. But not ENOUGH. And I’ve made like, 37 shorts altogether. But mostly experimental docs which don’t count I guess. It’s frustrating. So I’m going to try and make another dramatic short, possibly about the horror of poverty because it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot. I like comedies though but my feature is not a comedy, so I guess it’s better to prove I can direct drama still.

So many things are going on!

I should go and call the hospital to check on my relative again. And then go to the gym finally. There’s some kind of street fair going on so I have to find out how to get my streetcar because it definitely has to go off route. I hate when there’s this many people in the neighbourhood, so crowded! I had to go get dog food and it was a lot.