InLove is a bool

I have recovered mostly from COVID. I have tested negative since last week and I’m slowly getting back into life. A lot of my work is done on my laptop so it’s just thinky stuff. I have a rash though, it could be covid or allergies, who knows, it’s going away tho.

I got back to work on my video game and solved some mega problems that were preventing it from being a winnable game. And then I struggled with coding it to win or lose properly. I did a build of it last night and it was MOSTLY working except I have to delete the saved games because that’s messing up the variables. I need it to reset itself after losing. Also the canvas for the Vampire Health Bar is attached to her for some reason in the build, while in the editor when I run it it is in it’s proper space in the corner of the frame. So I need to solve that. I also have to get the take damage function to work properly because I was trying to do something and ended up deleting it. It does the thing I want. But it also still needs to damage her. I was getting a null error and decided not to destroy her sprite but to make it invisible when she gets staked so she would SEEM destroyed and also the camera follow transform wouldn’t go “OH MY GOD WHO AM I FOLLOWING?” which is sort of the error it gets when the sprite gets destroyed. And I need to make the selection zone smaller so that she can be in love and also bite someone without also biting her companion. I could turn off the ability to bite that person, but I’d rather make it POSSIBLE to bite them but not ALWAYS. If that makes sense. I just need some space between them and her.

BUT after I smooth out those errors and add some sound effects, it’s basically a fully functioning game. I also want to do some credits tho. I was thinking of having a vampire and her lover have a conversation to do the credits, but now I don’t think I want that. I think I just want a screen with credits, like scrolling credits or something. Plus I want to put McMaster University and Museumsquartier and Canada Council logos on at the end to show who supported the project.

I’m really excited though, I’m hoping this weekend I can finish it. I think it’s possible! I just have an hour long work thing tomorrow and I’m doing an hour and a half of other work every day for a while. So I think I have enough spare hours to hyperfocus and finish the game. I was watching a tutorial for scrolling credits in Unity and they were like “Let’s put the programmers, animators, department head” and on and on and I was like shit, that’s mostly all me. I am not gonna make obnoxious credits though that list every duty I had making this game. Cause I did it all! I’ll probably just write “Game by Theo Jean Cuthand” and the funders and the year. I don’t know what else to add to it, special thanks I suppose! A lot of friends did listen to me blab about it while I was going through my creative process.

I really like some of the code I wrote for it. I think just because the functions were sometimes very customized, so the code words are cute. And also I had to set a variable for if she is in love or not, so that another script will make another character follow her. So there is a bool called “InLove.” Which is pretty cute. If you don’t know what a bool is, it’s just a true/false statement. Which I kind of like in regular life too. Because I don’t often feel grey areas if I am in love or not, it’s usually just true or false. I mean there is liking someone but that is not the same as love! I suppose if you wanted to make it complicated you could make InLove an integer and then quantify HOW MUCH you love someone. But I don’t really need that for this game.

I also started working on a google form to send playtesters. I am gonna get some friends to try this game and then fill out the form so I can get some feedback. I am hoping to be able to get this done and documented and send videos in to Canada Council for my final report. And then that will be one more final report off my plate! I need to finish that one AND another final report so I can apply for ANOTHER grant in the fall. I think I can do it! It’s really encouraging to have this one so close to being done. Because then I can REALLY focus on the other project which is a script, which has been languishing while I focused on the game. And I AM excited to write the script too, it’s just been really hard keeping two different projects in my creative space at the same time. And video game development is so different than script writing, like it just uses my brain in a way different way. I did write a lot of dialogue in Twine though, so that was similar to how I write a film script. But the script in a game can have so many branching conversations which is what makes it kind of exciting.

I learned a lot while I was making this game. It’s more advanced than my last game, Bipolar Journey. Bipolar Journey was very difficult to lose, except for the last level I guess. But you could get pretty far pretty easily. This one is different because there’s a goal and two variables you need to win, and a timer in the last level. And it has a dialogue system and lots of other interactive things. You can bite people! Except for your familiar I suppose. I think it’s fun. I don’t know how many times someone would want to play it. If you know how to win it, it can go really fast, but hopefully people meander around. I’m curious what kind of feedback I’ll get.

It would be nice to show it in a gallery. I already have an idea for my next game which would be good in a gallery too. But I’m pretty sure I’m gonna release a version on for something like five bucks. Not a ton of money but it would be nice to get paid a bit more. People keep asking me about when they can play it, so it seems to have a potential audience.

ANYWAY I was told to take it easy after COVID and I really did try for a long time, but I like my work too much to really relax. PLUS I gotta make money.

Nerfed by COVID!

Oh man! I was doing so good! I’d made it for over THREE YEARS without getting COVID! I did so good! And then I went to a dance party with tons of Indigiqueers and Two Spirits and three days later started feeling bad. I thought maybe it was allergies because all the flowers in my neighbourhood were flowering. BUT NO. I finally was like ok I better test for COVID. And this time it was positive!

Shit shit shit.

So I got COVID after all this time. I was being sloppy with masks, I got too cocky. And there are some extremely IMPORTANT things coming up, so once I am cleared to go back into the world I am gonna mask again. Because I am not gonna end up canceling top surgery because I got COVID a second time. And also other career things are happening and I just can’t be sicky like this again.

I feel like I get better every day but really I think new symptoms come and then go. I mostly deal with fatigue but today I was also extremely dizzy. I started reading about dizziness in COVID and long COVID and was worried I would feel dizzy forever. But it went away. It might come back.

I cancelled a bunch of things so that I could be ok, or as ok as possible. I know it’s when people make themselves keep working that they get long COVID. So I am trying to avoid doing work. Which is hard because I really like the work I do. I swear my brain is just like “OH come on we could just do this thing, or this thing.” No. I am really trying to be strict about it. Which is hard.

And some people were asking me to help them with various things and it’s just like I have COVID I cannot help anyone at all right now. It’s been four days into COVID and I only had enough energy to type this blog today.

Some people did offer to help me out, which has been nice, and some of them sent or dropped things off. So that was nice. I’m finally able to do the dishes today and take out the garbage. At some point I have to do my laundry, so that will be a whole thing. I was just going to wear a mask and wash my hands really well before I go do it. I’ll probably wait until Monday when hopefully I am less contagious.

I had to go tell all the people I had been near that I had COVID which made me feel bad, although they were all happy I told them and wished me well. So that’s nice. And to my knowledge none of them got it. But who knows. I have to see my therapist on video on Monday though because I still need to talk about my feelings in my life but obviously don’t want to get her sick. I know I could NOT see her, but I think I’d prefer to see her. Even if I am a bit dopey.

Anyway, I am gonna run out of rolling papers tomorrow too, so I will have to figure out how to get some.

Top Surgery Coming Soon to a Theo Near You!

I called the surgeon’s office today to see if I was up for being called for a consultation date, and they said I was the next person they were gonna call so they scheduled it with me for July! I could have gotten late June but I’m away that week. July it is! I’m so excited, they emailed me some registration forms that I got all eager beaver and filled out already. I feel pretty happy about it! I don’t know how soon after that that I can get the actual surgery. And hopefully I know if we are shooting this film this fall or not, so I can schedule accordingly. I know based on some issues we might not be funded for this film this year (the script is ready, just one other financial thing needs to be figured out by a certain time), so my reward for not being funded was to get my top surgery earlier. Otherwise I might have to schedule for November or December. I should know by July though, in time for when we schedule it.

I’m so excited! I got a wedge pillow and a set of dog stairs heading my way. Posey always wants me to pick her up when it’s bedtime, but she needs to do it on her own while I am healing. She jumps on and off the bed all night also, so I need her to be able to go up and down whenever she wants. I recorded myself sleeping this one time and apparently I pick my dogs up all the time all night and don’t even actually wake up for it, or I don’t remember doing it anyway. So I have to train her AND ME not to pick her up while I’m sleeping.

I’m excited to see what I look like with a more masculine body. I mean logically I know a body with breasts can be masculine, but also I just want to see my pecs. I can feel a ridge of muscle under both my breasts so I know SOMETHING is going on there. But it’s not impressive to me as long as it’s being obscured with breast tissue.

ALSO I want to go to the gay bathhouse, BUT ALSO I don’t feel comfortable going there before I get top surgery. And also I think top surgery will make me feel more comfortable in the men’s locker room. I’d probably not take off my underwear anyway, but not having to wear a binder or bra would make me feel like I fit in more. I know I could try these spaces now, but also I just want people to see me for who I am more easily.

I won’t be able to get sunlight on my scars for the first year, but hopefully there will be a summer when I can take my shirt off more. I always really did want to be able to walk around shirtless and not be sexualized as much as people sexualize people with breasts.

I was looking at facebook memories the other day, and found some from when my Grandpa was dying. He was having an alert day and happy to see so many of us visiting him. And he was counting us and shaking hands and then he pointed me out and told everyone I was a good man. And at the time I’m sure I just thought it was him being silly. But reading that now I was like OH MY GOD! My Grandpa knew I was a man! I don’t know if he always knew, or if he was seeing me clearly because he was dying. But he recognized me as a good man. I’m really happy that I read that memory. Part of my sadness around transitioning later was that my Grandparents never got to see me grow into the man I am. But Grandpa saw it.

I visited my Mom this past weekend while she was nearby briefly. It went well, I feel like therapy has helped us a lot. Not “perfect” but I don’t think many interpersonal relationships are perfect. It works though. She wants to help me when I get top surgery, which is good because I don’t have a partner to help me and my friends here are busy people unfortunately. But yeah, I think it would be good for someone to be around the first week at least.

I am balding and I can’t deny it anymore! I still don’t want to do the things to stop balding though. I’m trying to figure out how to lean into it and be a sexy bald guy. It’s not doing that receding hairline thing tho, it’s really thinning at the crown. I wish I had the receding hairline instead but I can’t choose how I’m going to go bald. My dad’s hair is thinner, and my Grandpa had VERY thin hair when he was old. But neither of them have gone the whole way and shaved their heads. And I think I AM going to shave my head. I tried it earlier this year and wasn’t happy with it. But maybe I just need to get used to it. And wear more hats. I finally dug up my Cock hat that I got in New Orleans last year, so that will help ha ha. I actually have a ton of hats, I just need to dig them out and start putting them in a rotation. I mean I can also walk out with a bald head tho I am sure it will be fine. AHHHH baldness. It’s such a funny thing, I mean you either lean into it or try to prevent it it seems. I know there are sexy bald guys. AND ALSO in a weird way it is kind of gender affirming. I know baldness isn’t really a gendered thing though, lots of people go bald. But bald men are more expected so hopefully it just helps people gender me the way I want.

I have gone up to 70mg of testosterone today, after checking with my nurse about levels. I could have stayed at 60 but we are just seeing if this helps me get more effects that I want.

I did something sort of silly and got shaving cream and a razor while on vacation and started shaving my face. I did it a few times but now I kinda miss all the peach fuzz I had. I know it will probably come back, and also that none of it was terminal hairs anyway. But it at least had given me a bit of a fuzzy cheek feel. I did really like the act of shaving my face though. That was pretty euphoric. So funny, to want a furry face but also enjoy shaving it.

I’m in a good mood today. My vacation was amazing and I had so much fun. I don’t know if I will write about it here, you can see more on my Instagram if you want to know what I did (@cabbagetownstomper). I’m really happy that I’m in a place where I can have casual sex more easily also. Dating only women in the past was such a barrier omg! There’s just a limited number of queer women. And sex with guys didn’t make sense until I was also a guy. I had a number of crushes on Queer men though through my adult life but yeah obviously I was more puzzled than anything about that. UNTIL NOW!

Therapy today was also good. I talked about transference stuff last week, so this week was nice because I was talking about desire for all these other people. ALSO I only mentioned my ex once in passing and the conversation wasn’t focused on them so that was a really good sign. I feel like I am SO CLOSE to being truly emotionally available again. I’m really not in love with anyone available right now. Which is always kind of a weird feeling for me. But also exciting because that means I could fall for anyone right now. Maybe they would be more compatible, whoever they are. Or maybe I can be more firm about what I want in a partner versus someone who is more of a casual lover. Maybe there’s not that same pressure on it now that I am almost a year on testosterone.

July 25th is my 1 year on T!!! Still a ways away, but it’s nice to be noticing the changes over the last year.

Trans Timeline Check in

Monday will be 38 weeks on testosterone! I like making these posts cause I can more accurately see changes over time.

First of all, my voice is different! It’s just getting lower and lower and really fascinates me when I’m talking. I made a recording last year and then one on Wednesday, so you can hear the difference.

Also my face, I dunno, I guess it’s different? I also lost weight on T, so that could be making a difference.

Pre Testosterone and at 37 weeks on T
This is a comparison to show how testosterone changed my face

I’ve also been building more muscle but I feel awkward about trying to show it here ha ha. My muscles are getting bigger though! I’ll try to get some cute pics when I’m on vacation maybe.

Facial hair is still MIA. And my Dad said he didn’t try to grow a beard until he was 30, so it could be a LONG WAY AWAY still. If it ever comes.

BUT also bear in mind that I started at a very low dose, and only got to my top dose a few weeks ago. So I don’t know how that has impacted my timeline.

ALSO I am probably holding off on muscle pics of my torso until I get top surgery. Because there’s PROBABLY pecs under there, but I can’t see it yet. I do know my stomach is still very soft but I can feel muscle under it now. And I can do sit-ups finally! Maybe I will make a video of doing sit-ups and pull-ups when I can do a pull-up too. It is a goal of mine for sure! I didn’t really think too much about what it would be like to have upper body strength until my personal trainer got me to do a sit-up a couple weeks ago. But it’s nice! Things feel lighter too when I am carrying them.

Anyway I am really happy with my transition so far, even tho the only extra hair I have gotten is nose and ass hair.

Never again

I’ve been feeling dramatic this week so far. I was in therapy yesterday being like “I wish I never met my ex! I never want to fall in love again!” I know I’m just having a hard time but UGH I never want a broken heart like this again this fucking sucks. And my therapist was like “You know rejection and break ups just happen a lot, even people who are with their partners for ages will have someone die at some point.” And yes that is true but also UGHHHHHH I hate this. I mean no one likes having a broken heart though. They’re just so uncomfortable and embarrassing. Like yeah I fell for someone who doesn’t give a shit about me, how awful is that? How do I keep it from ever happening again? And that brings me to the “I never want to fall in love again!” feeling.

But my therapist says she doesn’t want that for me. Which was kind of nice to hear. It’s been very frustrating trying to date for most of my life though, I’m just not very good at it. I think specifically I choose bad people. Not like “EVIL PEOPLE” more like BAD FOR ME. And my therapist and I have been working on it. And I am dating people very casually right now but nothing has solidified into love yet, or maybe never will, so yeah it’s hard. I am trying to move on.

I think though also dating as a trans person has changed for me more recently because I have changed and gotten on testosterone. And it has changed the way I date in positive ways, like not being hung up on any one particular person right now. My therapist says I am not the old me anymore but I am not the new me yet either. So I’m kind of in this weird middle space where I’m rethinking how I want to have sex and relationships. Like I’m starting to not be into being penetrated for health reasons (I CAN but I have a tilted uterus so it’s uncomfortable in specific positions). And I am more upfront about what I need to be able to cum, and queer people are generally open to that. But then also sometimes I just don’t even want to have sex again. It’s very ridiculous, these were all things I used to like and now I just don’t know. I probably will like them again at some point. I mean probably the people I’ve recently had plans to have sex with I would still have sex with. It’s just complicated in my heart and underwear right now.

My dick had a big growth spurt more recently since I got on 60mg of T. It was growing before but SLOWLY and now it’s just kind of getting longer in a more dramatic way. So that’s nice. See I will probably want to share that with someone. I’m really curious about feeling what it’s like to have sex as my body changes.

But at the same time my heart is just super raw and has been for a while. I thought I was ready to date other people again until I found out my ex blocked me. Now I’m just like ARGH even though I already knew they weren’t going to talk to me again. It’s kind of silly, they probably blocked me as soon as I unfriended them last November, and I just never went looking until last week when I got super curious. But whatever. The weird thing is there are still other ways I could contact them, but I’m not going to because obviously that isn’t something they want. And probably not something I want either, I don’t want to beg someone to pay attention to me. That’s so ridiculous. And I don’t really want someone to get pissy at me for trying to talk to them. UGH.

I’m in such a bad mood. Someone could say the smallest criticism to me right now and I’d just be like “Well yeah fuck you too!” or something. Ridiculous. Times like this it’s just better to stay alone.

BUT I have to get out of this foul mood because I have what might be the most important pitch of my life coming up on Thursday! I honestly can’t keep holding on to this disappointment and anger because I have to do something productive and exciting and get people interested in my vision. Arg. I mean maybe that’s a lot though, it’s fine to be angry. I just have to be able to do my work still.

I was trying to figure out how to make a boolean value a static so I can call it from another scene. But I mucked around with it all day and haven’t gotten any closer to solving this. The problem is the boolean is called from a dialogue manager in the inspector but I’m trying to make it a static in a script so I can check it in another scene. I was trying player prefs, I was trying statics, I am thinking of trying a game manager with a don’t destroy on load script. I really just wrestled with it all day and now the day is almost over and I had to have this moment of despair on my blog because of course everyone loves that ha ha.

I will be ok I know that. I will probably fall in love again someday and maybe it will work out in my favour finally. My astrologer said I should concentrate on my career this year more than relationships, so I will try that. I mean that’s what I’ve done my whole life though, when love stuff doesn’t work out I just work super hard on my career. And I got really far in my career. And I just need to get a bit further, I just need to get my head in order so I can do a good pitch, and finish this video game. I’m so close! Good things could happen! And the video game is super cute and interesting and there’s just this one thing I gotta figure out and then I can finish this!

I AM SO CLOSE to wrapping up some major projects this year. I know it will be ok. And I do have cute dates coming up and I probably will kiss more people and things will probably improve for me. I just wish I hadn’t been blocked. But on the other hand I mean I WAS the one who did the initial unfriending. I should have expected this.

New Muscles

CW: This might be mostly about working out but I am not so interested in the weight loss side of things because I am trying to build muscle

OK so I have been seeing a personal trainer at the YMCA for five weeks, and we’ve been working on getting me some muscles. Today she got me to do a set and a half of sit ups for the first time. Ha ha omg I did the first one after being like “OK so I have never been able to do a sit up, I’ve only done crunches and not even very good.” And she’s like sure just try. And then I did a sit up! And I was so amazed that I just laid down after and was like “OMG!” And then I was like “OH wait should I do some more?” ha ha and then I got ten done. I’m honestly amazed, I’ve never been able to do a sit up. I’ve barely been able to get my shoulders off the mat when I tried doing them. And this was just like BOOM sit up! I couldn’t do tons of them but fuck ten reps is ten reps more than I’ve ever been able to do.

I’m honestly so shocked! I was hoping one day I would be able to do a pull up (still working on it) but this was the first sit up ever. EVER!!! And here I didn’t think I was working my abs much. My muscles are just so much happier on testosterone, and I’ve been working out at least two times a week. I also walk my dog a lot more, and do walkable errands in the neighbourhood more. So I’m just stronger and I don’t get as breathless as fast anymore. It’s really nice. And I’m started to see some definition in my muscles, especially legs, arms, back. My stomach is more round but obviously there’s muscles in there because I can do a sit up now. I don’t really mind if I keep a round belly, I just like having muscles and being stronger.

The good food box arrived today and again it felt really light compared to the way it used to feel before my testosterone gave me more strength. It’s so cool noticing my strength increase. STRENGTH!

Anyway maybe I don’t only want to talk about my sit ups.

I’ve been doing ok. The early part of the week was kind of rough on me. But I had a good therapy session today, and also that good personal training session. And also even though I get career rejections, there are also opportunities I am getting that are so fancy I can’t even talk about them until they happen. So that has been really nice. I’m going to Syracuse in a week and a bit, so that will be an adventure. I am going by train so I’ll be curious to see what crossing the border is like. Apparently I don’t have to get off the train? Ha ha I guess we’ll see where I end up. But whatever happens I need to be back in Toronto to get my flight to San Diego. So I have a couple days between coming back and going away again and hopefully that gives enough room in case some shitty thing happens in transit.

Hopefully no shitty things transpire!

I’m trying to figure out how to let go of the past. I guess that’s always happening. I really don’t want to still be hanging on to people who won’t even talk to me. I know in a lot of ways people have left my life for good reasons for me too. But it’s weird anyway I guess. But not everyone is meant to stay.

And I’m not gonna talk about reasons and seasons and stuff about why people are in your life, I know there’s a lot of cycles that have to end and stuff.

And really I haven’t known either of the people who don’t talk to me since I’ve started transitioning. So they don’t really know me anymore either. I guess maybe those relationships were supposed to end before I transitioned. Like some people just can’t come with you into the next phase of your life. It’s sad but I have also hung on to people way too long until it hurts.

Anyway, I think I hate having my chest touched. I thought I would like it but people recently were pretty rough with it and I’ve just felt so much desire for me to have top surgery already so people won’t pay attention to that area in the same way. I think probably a different type of lover would have a better relationship with my chest. But yeah also I just need to tell people what I want in bed and what not to do. Stop squeezing my god! I hate that. Fucking Grindr lol. I can kind of see why some trans men keep their shirts on in bed. I know the people I’ve been fucking would leave that area alone if I told them though.

One step forward

I FINALLY got the girlfriend to follow the vampire at a respectful distance, enough that she can’t get bitten or in the way and is just this cute companion. Next I have to wrestle with this Dontdestroyonload coding so that she can follow through all the levels. I think it might be more straightforward than I think. After that it’s just tying up loose ends and making some winning and losing screens and then this game is done. I’m so relieved!!! I’m really glad the follow love script worked in the end, I was stressing that my character being followed wouldn’t work. But it does! If it didn’t work I was going to add a canvas with a heart that would turn red if you fell in love, but that’s not as fun and visual as your girlfriend following you around. So I’m glad it worked. It was a vector 3 offset that worked, surprisingly. I was struggling so hard ha ha.

Anyway, I found out my ex blocked me. Or maybe changed their name, I don’t know, but they don’t exist on facebook anymore in my searches. I didn’t look SUPER HARD but enough to know they’re not available to me to see. I should have expected it I guess. I thought I could just unfriend them and that would be that. It’s kind of funny to find out I got blocked the night before I finally solved this coding problem of the girlfriend being too clingy. I feel kind of shitty about the whole experience now. I don’t like having bad blood with exes and I just feel really hated by people right now (probably global transphobia is also helping with that feeling). I also have another ex who doesn’t talk to me ever since I got worried because she said she was alone on Christmas 2021 and asked if she broke up with her partner BECAUSE I LEGITIMATELY WORRY FOR FRIENDS and she got pissed at me and since then our friendship has been total garbage. She doesn’t even watch my Instagram stories anymore, and I am so tired of apologizing for myself so I’m not even bothering anymore. I mean I guess there is a reason they are exes.

The funny thing is I have a really good ex who I’ve also had a rocky history with, but I don’t know I just kept trying to tend to our friendship over the years and now it’s been really good for a long time, like years. And at some point we weren’t even fb friends at all and it was pretty hostile between us. So I don’t know, sometimes relationships are salvageable into a really nice friendship, and I guess sometimes I just have to know enough to give up on people. I don’t like giving up on people is the thing. But when it hurts to try and mend things, its just useless.

I tried, is all I can say, I did the best I could and for those two people my best wasn’t good enough. I suppose things will be fine, neither of them was paying my rent or anything, neither of them have children or pets with me, I’m not tethered to either of them with finances or contracts. It just sucks to see the divide grow between myself and people I once deeply loved.

I think also though is that there’s this growing anger in me about being treated badly by people. My family was pretty shitty to me last year when I tried to go home to visit, and that is still something I’m having a hard time with. And now I’m trying to break more into the Industry with a story with a lead who isn’t a white cis het man so of course that’s not going as smoothly as I would like because capitalism in film is racist and homophobic and we don’t get lots of money for our stories. I’m also adjusting to being a man in a queer world that can be very anti-man, or has a lot of misandrist sentiments anyway that make me feel shitty about myself.

BUT I should be happy because I solved this big problem in my video game. It was really such a difficult thing to fix for me, and now it’s done and I’m so much closer to being able to wrap it up. ALSO I wrote five pages of my new script, so that was a good accomplishment. I don’t think they are five GOOD pages, but they are five more pages than I had yesterday. Ugh I hate being whiny but honestly things can suck and it’s ok to acknowledge that. But things can be good too!

Even tho I am crying around about exes here, I am actually dating some interesting/fun people right now. Nothing super heavy or serious at the moment, but like some sexy dates, some super cute wholesome dates, things in my love life are well rounded. I guess it’s just a polyamorous thing to kind of have a broken heart at the same time as being excited about other people. And to be honest my heart is NOT as broken as it was last year. Last year it was like SMASHED on the floor broken heart. I didn’t even really want to date. But now I do, and I’m having fun. And most of my friends are not saying shitty things to me about men, it’s just this feeling I guess from coming out of the Lesbian community and not being a Lez anymore.

Indie Game Making Feelings, Gender Feelings

I solved this one major issue I had with my game, and now I have two new problems to solve. For the longest time the vampire wasn’t falling in love, but now she is and after a conversation with some other sprite, it will follow her and now I need to make it not follow her so closely so I need an offset. But none of my code is working. I’m wondering if I need to add something to get the offsets to work. When it did kind of work, the girlfriend sprite looked like she was humping the vampire and it was very irritating. So I need to get it to just like, smoothly follow at a respectful short distance. I’m not sure why it’s being so difficult. Also I have to make the sprite dontdestroyonload so that she can follow her into other scenes, but only if she is following the vampire. And then I also have to make a singleton I think so that the sprite doesn’t end up having TWO of itself when she comes back to the street level.

I know I am so close to having this game be finished. I need to fix the audio though, I tried a few different things to get a stake sound to happen, but it’s being a weirdo and like, rapidly repeating the sound so it doesn’t work. I know it’s likely just a setting I need to fix. And then also after I get the sprite to follow Carmilla into other scenes, I need to code it so that she can trigger the winning screen if she falls in love, has blood, and makes it through the maze to her crypt. I think it will be fairly straightforward. Most of the hard stuff has been programmed and now it’s just these last fiddly things.

I’m excited to almost be done this though. It just took two residencies and a Canada Council for the Arts grant. I’m pretty stoked that it managed to become a thing. I’m also excited to get this final report in and then start writing a new game design doc for the next game I want to make. So far it’s been living in my notes on my iPad.

I never really considered I would ever be a game developer. It’s kind of a fascinating thing to do though, I don’t know. I like solving problems. And making it do what I want.


I was writing this and just never finished for a couple days. I am now writing this on Saturday. I am still puzzling out my problems.

It was Trans Day of Visibility yesterday so that was ok. I was visible. I’m not sure how to not be visible. I got a certain specific type of fame before I transitioned, so now I’m just dealing with that and my career and trying to decide if I want to go the whole way and become formally known as Theo Jean Cuthand instead of just TJ Cuthand. I’m starting to be more comfortable with Theo, so I think I might actually start going by it. It’s weird debuting a name. Because I really didn’t want to go change it everywhere. And I probably will keep some tjcuthand urls and handles. But I do like being a Theo and it would just make things easier if it was more universal that my name is Theo. I want to do a name and gender change on my ID this year, but so far I’m trying to schedule it around international travel, because I will have to get a new passport and everything. And I just travel a lot. I’m also trying to figure out when I will have time to do my top surgery. Right now it’s going to be in early December or late November I think. I might be in post around that time, but it will give me a chance to not have to carry things around. I can do that remotely. I wish I could get it sooner but I don’t think I can. It’s getting weird around here, Canadians are trying to import transphobia (or like rehydrate their own I guess) and it’s so tiresome. We are not remotely all Christians up here. We don’t have to listen to some fringe groups little book that probably doesn’t even have things about trans people in it. It’s so tiresome and unimaginative. Fascists are so fucking boring, and they want such a flavourless oatmeal world. So boring! I can’t imagine making up that many problems.

Anyway, it would be nice to get my name and gender and surgery before they start getting pissy about trans health care up here. They’re already starting to go after schools, which is so shitty. Going after children is despicable, and exactly what the settlers did to Indigenous kids. It’s part of genocides. And I know I’m already a survivor of one genocide, but having yet another potential genocide piled on is not on my list of things to experience. I’m a scrapper though, and my family were fighters for a long time. So I think I’ll be ok. Also honestly it’s mostly a loud ugly minority of haters, who can’t even use their real names online. And when I think of the people who do know me, they generally find me likeable. So yeah.

Last night I went to the gym and worked out for an hour and a half. It was a half hour of cardio followed by an hour on weight machines. I think I did a good job even though my abs hurt when I left the gym. I did the captains chair and the hyper extension bench near the end of my workout, so my abs were super worked out and I haven’t worked on them much before. It’s nice! I am seeing my body change which is exciting. I can feel a ridge of muscle under my chest tissue on both sides so I think I AM getting bigger pecs, but of course they are covered with mammary glands right now so I can’t see them. I’m going to be so curious to see what I look like after top surgery. It’s such a funny hobby to get into, to start working out.

I know I’m still not feeding myself properly though because my muscles aren’t getting the heft I want them to. I need to up my protein and carbs. But also I dunno I mean how long does it take to build muscle?

Anyway. Love life right now is cute. I’m just dating various people and having fun getting to know them. And having sex again! I’ve met people generally respectful of my gender, and the kissing has been super fun. Also have a sweet crush on someone so that’s nice. And I guess I have a crush on my therapist but that’s transference and not going anywhere anytime anyway. But it does make things extra fun I think.

Maybe I just like having crushes, I don’t know. I like liking people. And most of the time it doesn’t go anywhere but it’s still fun. Oh except for those times it sucks I guess ha ha. It’s interesting finally dating multiple people who are into me. I’m not really used to that so sometimes they are being sweet and I’m like “Weird.” Ha ha aww. The last time I felt Big Time Feelings, the person I was dating wasn’t very flirtatious with me, so I guess that’s what I got used to. But I like being flirted with.

Things I’m Liking

I think my voice deepened this week again. I took my first dose of 60mg on Monday so it’s still very early on this higher dose, but I noticed when I went up to 50mg a while back my voice dropped in a couple days and it seems to have happened again. It’s probably my favourite testosterone effect so far because my voice started changing so early.

TMI for the next paragraph:

I had a dream I was touching my dick and it was big, not cis big but trans big. I remember feeling pretty happy about it. And then I was curious about what was going on down there so I took a pic and it IS a lot bigger than the last time I checked. It made me feel pretty happy, bottom growth was something I was excited about. I’m hopeful I can use it soon with someone else.

Unrelated to my dick, I started seeing a personal trainer at the YMCA and we’ve had two sessions so far. She already noticed progress in the second session. I was able to do more pushups, and I could hold a plank for a longer time. In fact even the first time we met up I realized I was able to do things I hadn’t been able to do before. Like the plank, I could sort of do a regular plank but only on my knees, and now I can do them on my toes and hold it for longer. Also I can do pushups way easier, it was funny because the last time I did them with her I felt like I could go longer if I wanted to. And we went from 2 sets of 12 reps in the first session to 3 sets of 15 reps in the second session. So I’ve been watching my muscles finally start to get bigger and that’s been super cool.

It’s way more motivating to work out when you can see your body changing into something you want. And I think honestly I always did want masculine musculature more than what women’s bodies look like typically, so before working out was kinda meh. Also it just FEELS good to work out so that’s cool. I try to go to the gym three times a week including the one day I see the trainer. I don’t want to go every day, but also it’s close enough that it’s more or less convenient to go, and my schedule is so varied that there’s generally enough free time to go.

I’ve got an idea for an art project that is making me laugh a lot and people are helping me out. I don’t know that I will release it under my name though because of reasons. But it’s still been really fun to suddenly get an idea and figure out how to execute it without a grant.

I’m still working on my video game. I had some kind of error happen and now the dialogue manager doesn’t work on my street scene, so I have to get it fixed somehow. The version of Pixel Crushers Dialogue System I was using just got improved though so I am hoping the new version works better for me. Although tbh I don’t know if I was able to download the new one. I tried!

I’m coming up to near the end of my residency at McMaster. End of the semester I will be done! Also I am going to Syracuse next month, and then also next month is my vacation with my friend!!! To San Diego and Joshua Tree! I’ve never been to either place so I’m pretty excited, also I need to be somewhere sunny. The snow just kept hitting us this month and it was getting so tiresome.

I feel like the changes I’ve gotten on T have made me feel a bit more confident about dating guys. I don’t know why I don’t feel weird about dating women and non-binary people, but guys make me wary because I don’t want to be with straight guys who are mentally misgendering me so they can sleep with me. I feel like my voice and having more muscles makes me feel I’m more obviously a guy. Not that it matters anyway because I haven’t been able to have sex for a while because of reasons. BUT SOMEDAY I will have sex again and I want to feel confident in my body when that happens.

Dating after Testosterone

I’m going up to 60mg of testosterone on Monday, which is an average dose for a lot of trans guys. So that is exciting. I am in male range now, but I think going higher will get me more masculinization. So I am looking forward to this. I remember when I went up to 50mg I noticed my voice did a sharp drop within a week. That was pretty cool.

I have been thinking a lot about how going on testosterone has changed the way I approach dating. I am A LOT more laid back about it. Like I can date multiple people now and not feel really obsessed about a person or possessive. I feel like I am way less jealous too which is nice. I also changed my priorities because for so long I was looking for a partner to live with and have children. And now I don’t want children, and although I could still live with someone, I don’t feel it’s necessary for me anymore. It would have to be a serious connection because I’m worried about losing access to stable housing if we broke up and I had to move out of the co-op. But so far everyone I am dating is also very laid back and not looking to cohabitate, so that’s good.

It makes me miss my ex though, because I was so not the right type of partner for them at the time we were dating. And now I think I could possibly fit in with them better. For one thing I wasn’t dating anyone else and they had some serious relationships, so I was all focused on them and pretty needy. And I know it’s ok to be needy, but I think I overwhelmed them. While the way I am dating people now involves giving everyone a lot more space than I was able to before testosterone. I don’t mind so much when someone takes hours/days to message me back. Especially as my career has required more and more of my time and focus because sometimes I can’t message back for hours or days either.

Although I don’t know maybe if I met them again I would turn into a pest. I was/am pretty heavy in love with that person and it’s not going away and what if I just latched onto them again?

Another interesting thing I’ve noticed about being on testosterone is my ability to date different genders has expanded a lot. Before it was SO NARROW. Femmes only! But now I could date lots of kinds of people including cis and trans guys.

I haven’t fallen in love with anyone new for a while, but that seems to be ok. Some people I am super curious about have potential. I’m trying to just be open to life I guess.

I haven’t had a ton of sex on T yet, but that’s mostly due to medical reasons and not a lack of desire. Desire for sure has increased overall. I have had TONS of orgasms on my own though ha ha and those definitely improved after testosterone too. They are way longer for one thing which has been really nice. And a bit easier to have. I’m trying to learn how to communicate around sex and kink more effectively. I’ve gone into sexual relationships all wrong for most of my adult life where I wouldn’t really get into specifics about what I wanted, so then obviously I wouldn’t have the kind of sex I wanted. I’ve been improving but I’m realizing I need to really work on it. Like I need an elevator pitch or something for the sex I want to have. Especially on Grindr because they are very upfront about what they want there and always ask about it.

BUT ALSO I do need at least one partner who wants to explore a bunch of things with me. Because I have a LONG list of things I want to do. And also I need to be more experienced as a top, which I have had very limited experience in. Mostly I’ve been a bottom. Anyway blah blah blah ha ha I just want my sex life to elevate.