My neck, My Back

Theo's Back, it is a triangle shape
My back has changed shape!

I went to the gym again today instead of hooking up with someone. So I did manage to make it 3 times this week. This morning I was rubbing my lower back before I got in the bathtub and it felt way more muscly, so I took a pic in the mirror and wow! My back is finally in the coveted Dorito shape. I wasn’t sure I was gonna get there. Transition can feel so slow when you’re really wanting it. But it’s been over a year and a half and my thighs and hips got skinny and my shoulders and back are way more muscled. I’m also working on my pecs and they look cute but not as muscly as I hoped. I know I have to start doing a short workout even on the days I don’t go to the gym. I just keep putting it off. I was also able to do the Gravitron today and the last time I went to the gym. So I feel way better about my upper body strength. I have a pull up bar in my house but I haven’t tried it in a long time. Maybe tomorrow I’ll see if I can do anything with it.

I’m so happy my back is changing shape. I knew that shoulders can get broader on T and I was starting to see a difference in my profile pics in terms of how my shoulders look. But I hadn’t looked at my back in a long time.

I’m pretty happy with my transition overall. I am going up to 80mg a week on Monday, which is cool and I hope it helps. I’m really not sure about my body/facial hair situation. If it goes by matrilineal lines, that’s all Scottish stuff. And I’ve seen historical photos of Scottish men, they have GIANT beards. So I guess I am hopeful again, but also it might just be Cree genes and I won’t get a big beard. Like I think my Cree Grandpa had four facial hairs, it was very little of anything.

I’ve noticed I smell a lot better since top surgery healing is done. The binder was getting smelly, and before that all my sports bras and binders would get smelly. So now I just wear a shirt that I change every day and at the gym and it’s made my armpits smell much more subtle. Which is a relief because my bras would get RANK. Odiferous!

I think I want to record my voice more. I did record along the way, but mostly I didn’t use it for work things because I dunno, I was letting it become what it was becoming I guess. But I like my voice and normally I use it in my work so I’m probably gonna start making videos again. Like those personal monologue videos.

I’m doing good otherwise. I am halfway done my application for this job on Monday. I got all my references together so that’s the main thing I was stressed about. Now I just have to do my CV and teaching statement. I also found a grant I can apply to for developing my next video game, but it’s more of a corporate grant so I have to really put specific work into it. I’m basically just scrambling for money right now hoping I won’t be as broke in 2024 as I have been this year. It was a bum year! I did do a lot of work but some of the grants for this year came a while ago and so it was just trying to catch up. 2022 was way better.

But also I came out a year and a half ago and have been super insular about my transition and watching all the things happen. So it’s been a generative year and a half I suppose, but not “productive” as I would like. Although I did make that giant video game.

The video game is almost done but I’m putting it aside until this job application is in on Monday. I did fix a lot of things really fast though. It’s getting there! I’m almost ready to test a build of it again. I need to redo the credits tho.

I was able to buy casein protein again for my protein shakes. I was super getting into drinking that while I was working out, like in the evening before bed. Anyway I think I am gonna go do that right now.

IsConsensual Bool

Theo's flat chest with faded top surgery scars
Settled in with my new body

My chest is settling in really well. I got the seroma drained a couple days ago (there were actually two!) and now that side of my chest is less swollen and I’m actually getting hope again that it will smooth down enough that I won’t need a revision. It was probably the most difficult part of my chest, it had a stitch coming out for a long time so it was inflamed, PLUS the seroma was causing swelling. It’s still getting over being inflamed from the stitch, I had to stop doing scar care on that one area because the skin was broken there and taping it wasn’t letting it heal. But it’s healed now and hopefully I can keep doing scar care on it a while longer and it will start fading too. None of my scars got raised so far which is good. I had a keloid on my bellybutton scar from my gallbladder surgery for a long time, so I know it can happen on me sometimes. It did flatten and fade after a number of years though but I didn’t know to do scar care on it so it was left all on it’s own. But anyway, so far so good. I’m not really expecting my scar to totally vanish, but it might be less noticeable eventually which could be cool.

I am applying for a teaching job. I might not get it. I was swearing off doing this for a while just because my career was paying me enough without teaching. Also I was concerned for my disability and my career and teaching and how much time I had. BUT ALSO I have a lot more energy since getting on testosterone, so really I might be able to do all of this. I’m also only applying for one teaching job, just to see. Like a sessional gig, not a full time job. It’s a job that requires almost all of my technical skills, so that’s exciting because I know that’s a very specific kind of person who could teach that course. Also it would be good for me to get more income in this house. It wouldn’t pay me enough to live, but with that AND the regular ongoing income I get from my film career, I think it could work out. So I am hopeful for that. But also hopefully whoever is hiring isn’t reading this and feeling pressured into hiring me. Because really I could make it either way. BUT this is a cool job and would help for a few months AND I know all about all the things for it.

Posey and I have been enjoying the change of seasons. Her little green sweater is coming out with us again. When I got her from her breeder, she came with the sweater. Like, it’s a specifically “female” dog anatomy sweater because there’s no long bare spot where a penis would go. And sweaters and coats that cover an entire tummy don’t really exist for dogs, and I feel bad for her because she’s a smooth so her tummy is like, bare skin. Poor pup! Anyway, I’ve never found another sweater that covers her whole tummy, so mostly that’s been her winter clothes. That and her horse blanket jacket. But I have not really found an ideal dog jacket for her. There was this like, super fancy dachshund jacket store that I’ve looked extensively at, but the jackets are too pricey for us.

She would look like a really boogie dog if she had one of those jackets.


It’s weird thinking of who reads this blog. Like it’s really just such an overshare ridiculous blog and I don’t think I have any ambitious aims in writing it. It’s an outlet. I sometimes wonder what will happen when I pass away and the bills for this website stop getting paid and where this blog will disappear to. It’s been a writing project for a long time and some people talked with me about maybe making a book out of it. I tried to save up some posts that could be a good book but I think then I got to the year I had my last manic episode and got overwhelmed.

I’m busy with other projects. I got back into finishing my video game yesterday. FINALLY there is a specific bool for “IsConsensual” and you need consent to be able to feed on this particular character. And if you don’t have consent, you’re just draining her blood and not getting your needs met and eventually you’ll get staked. I was surprised actually how easy it was to program when I looked at the code for the other bool “InLove.” It just clicked so easy.

I also opened up the responses to my video game play testers form. Only one person responded (ugh! After all those people got a copy) BUT she gave really good responses and I know a couple other things I can fix now with the sound. Also I have to test the dialogue again on the build to make sure it’s not going too fast. So that’s good. I am trying to track down my other friend to see if she can help me build the image for the app. Like, the block you click on to open the app on a desktop computer. The ICON I guess, I dunno. I’m just a boy! I already know I just want it to be the vampire’s head.

Aside from that, trying to figure out what to do with my unwieldy debt I owe to the government and Visa. I’ve heard about some other people’s debt to the government tho and I am LUCKILY not that bad. It’s bad but like, I could get it down. I talked to a financial advisor but he gave me bad advice which could have ended up preventing me from getting a grant for seven years so like, NO I don’t think so. I just gotta make more money I guess. Like it’s not that I am handling my money completely wrong, it’s just that there isn’t a lot of it right now.

ALSO I really think this video game is SO CLOSE to being able to be released, and then people will see that I made something this past year. It’s very thankless tho, video games. Like, people might tell me about playing it. Or they might not say anything more likely. And then I’ll be wondering if there was an audience for it at all. My Bipolar Journey game got attention but it was also floating around for a long time. I did get featured on VICE for it tho. And I dunno, I could probably submit it to ImagineNATIVE next year because they have space for new media projects.

Cutting back and Being Responsible

I redid my budget this morning and put my cleaning service on pause for a while. And told my personal trainer I can’t hire her again right now because I’m so broke. Anyway it cut a lot from my budget and it’s way more reasonable now. I still need to get out of debt tho, and also make sure there’s regular money coming in. My money is made up of so many little gigs from institutions and universities and it can take WEEKS to process. So that’s always a struggle, and trying to remember who owes me money and remembering to check if I owe someone forms so I can get paid. There’s multiple places owing me money right now and it’s just like, ugh I hope it comes a little quicker.

It would be nice to win an award with a large amount of money attached so I could wipe out my debt and go back to that blissful debt free life I had for six months after my student loans were paid off. It was like, a good feeling. Owing no one anything.

The thing is if we get Cows and Plows I can get hopefully $15,000 and pay off my credit card and a big chunk of taxes and I’d feel way better. But my rez is still all arguing over Cows and Plows and what to do and it’s just stressful. It’s this mythical money right now. Some rez gave their members $35,000 each so there’s this like, tension where some members want more. And some of it gets reinvested into our community which is good. But also there’s always been this tension amongst NDNs over whose rez gave better per caps and Christmas bonuses and stuff. Like one rez gave full turkeys for Christmas and I think this other rez gave like, half a chicken. And we aren’t a separated people, so people from different reserves know what the other reserves are giving. And it’s awkward as fuck. Disparities among reservations.

I know how to be poor tho, like I do remember all the things you do. There was a point in my life where I could estimate how many groceries I could get for how much and be accurate down to the penny. And that involved including tax in my head because they don’t put the real prices on most food in Canada. I hate having to calculate for taxes in my head tho it’s so annoying.

AND ALSO like geez just give me the $15,000 already I want to pay bills.

Anyway I am being responsible today I guess because I also made a doctor’s appointment and also got an appointment to see my surgeon to get this seroma drained. I hope that’s the end of it really. I’m tired of it coming back. I also have a plan to balance my household budget by unsubscribing to a couple more things and seeing about getting NIHB to pay for my therapy. I think my therapist just has to do some paperwork and I’ll be able to get paid back for future appointments for over a year. Which would help me out a lot. I think there’s things I can do to improve this money issue. I’m also thinking about teaching maybe one or two classes, if I can get them. I mean who knows right? Maybe if it’s just one or two classes I can do it.

I am seeing some more money come in, and I will get some grant results in February. But I gotta cut back until it’s better. No more frivolous purchases!

This is a terrible time to talk about something unrelated to injustice

OK so first of all, yes I am doing what I can to ask for a ceasefire. I’ve started a faxing practice where every morning I amend my last letter to Justin Trudeau and fax it to his office. I’ve only done this twice so far but it feels like SOMETHING. I don’t know, I am going to a protest in the next while. I repost things online about the genocide in Gaza. I’ve also been learning more about antisemitism and trying to make sure I’m not posting anything questionable like that because I am also worried about my Jewish friends and loved ones who are scared. Today I walked Posey and saw a poster that said “Free Palestine, Ceasefire Now” and I thought about taking a pic, but then I noticed how someone had worked really hard to try and tear as much of it off the pole as they could. And it’s still legible but just the idea of someone taking that much time to try and remove it made me sad. And I didn’t want to take a pic of that.

I have no eloquent summary of those current events, so here’s a buffer sentence between my earnest desires for a just world, and my more tawdry desires I’ve just been noticing that I find kind of interesting and wanted to write about.

SO that being said…

I’ve been watching my sexuality shift around over the last while. Some days life just feels too awful to get horny about anything. But then also there’s been this like, low level hum of a desire that is starting to get noisy. And it’s very specific and I haven’t felt it this strongly in a while. It’s just this desire to be submissive with someone. Like a deep LONGING to be submissive for someone.

But also I am like, so ridiculously particular about who I feel submissive for. It’s like a demisexual type of submissiveness that needs a deep meaningful relationship to go with it. And to be honest I’ve only felt that way about maybe three or four people in my lifetime so far. I mean like there’s people I would bottom for as a masochist but if they tried to get me to be submissive I’d probably be like “Nahhh fuck you.” Ha ha omg. Like most of the time I do feel too tough to sub for anyone. But when I do feel subby it’s like, so rare and precious and damn I just wish I had someone I could feel that for. I miss that. It’s just living as a day dream in my head now. Like in moments of stillness I start thinking “It would be nice to be obedient for someone. It would be nice to be owned.” Which if you know me as a person is just not the kind of person I am, like I’m not subservient for anyone really. But in fantasies it just would be nice.

I wonder if I will ever find the person who clicks with that? It seems unlikely the older I get. I can see why some people just end up in vanilla relationships. But damn that’s a nice fantasy. And anyone who inspired that feeling in me would have to be pretty amazing.

ANYWAY besides that, I’ve just been smoking this homegrown weed a friend grew for me this summer. It’s fucking amazing! And I found a couple seeds in it, so hopefully next year we can grow it again. It is Apple Fritter weed. Which is one of my favourite doughnuts. I also love Dutchies but Tim Hortons stopped selling them. I don’t know where to find a Dutchie anymore.

I felt sad today after reading all the newish news (Meta has stopped allowing news in Canada, so some of our news gets delayed) and I ended up playing some rounds of MarioKart. I was playing as Bowser for the first time. Usually I am Tanooki Mario. But I wanted to see if Bowser was a better fit. I don’t think I’m a big enough man to feel comfortable being Bowser tho so I might have to keep looking for a new Mariokart character. Maybe I’ll be that ghost, or the skull guy.

I’m also just like, doing work and hoping my money will come in again. It’s so choppy. I need to get a more even income stream. I actually started rethinking my prior position on University teaching which was NO WAY and now I’m like “Welllllllll it would be nice to get a regular income.” Ahhhhh. I don’t want to teach tho but also I should not say that in case in the future I apply for a teaching job and they do a background check. OK so I DO like teaching and have done it in workshops, but I am apprehensive of academia. But all the art departments I’ve gone to do talks at in the last year have been very baffled by me not having a teaching job. So maybe I should? Ahhh.

OK but that is not an inner voice debate for the interwebs.

I really like Toronto tho. But the last two teaching jobs that intrigued me were in the USA. BUT politically things look kind of dicey down there. BUT ALSO Canada kinda sucks too.


I have to make the best decisions for my dogs quality of life. So far she is happy. But she is also overdue on her next vet appointment because I don’t have the money for all her annual tests and shots. And it’s not coming!

Money and Politics and other Dirty Things

I’m so tired! Today my friend Aylan and her son and I went to pick up Posey from her dog sitters, who is a ways away so it took a while. Also on the way we stopped at Six Nations to see our friend Terri. It was a good day, but a long day and me and my pup are sleepy. It was great seeing Posey again, she was excited, I was excited. She was wagging her tail and if I had a tail it would have been wagging too. We just love each other! I missed her so much! She was away since the beginning of October, so we had a month away from each other. A long time! I’m glad her sitter loves her so much and they have fun together.

I didn’t get my travel grant to go to London. Which sucks. But my Mom offered to pay for it since she just got an award and also we’d been wanting to go to London for a while anyway. So I guess we had a vacation. It still sucks not being supported for a travel grant because you really don’t know if you can afford it until you’re back and find out if you got the grant or not. BUT ALSO it concerns me because I have consistently gotten all the travel grants I’ve applied for for the last decade or so, and the only difference between then and now is that I’m trans and the grant was to travel with a film about being trans. And it was to a relatively prominent film festival too, so it sucks that I didn’t get it. Suspish.

My income has generally gone down a bit since I came out as trans, which is something I was worried would happen. I know so much of film industry stuff is being appealing to the masses, and marginalized people just aren’t as appealing according to a capitalist reading of audiences. So that’s frustrating. I’ve also posted on some social media in support of Free Palestine and ending the genocide and I know people are getting blacklisted around that. So that’s another concern. I’m honestly so relieved I chose not to go into academia, because of the silencing of scholars on these issues. And I feel like if I didn’t say anything I would feel like I wasn’t living up to my principles. BUT does it mean I will never get to make a feature film, and be confined to only doing a life of low budget short videos? I think it would rob the world of some great art, but also honestly probably some part of me feels like if I am punished for saying what I think is unjust, then that’s what happens. And if the world doesn’t want to fund my projects, then I’ll probably just keep making them and do sex work or something. Like, I know what it’s like to spend years doing DIY projects. And I know how to be poor. And I am not losing some job with benefits, I am just getting a slow trickle of money instead of what it was before I came out.

I was trying to encourage a friend to keep asking people out because she got rejected recently, but so did I this morning so it was kind of funny timing. I was telling her to try try again with someone new. And then I said something like “I’ve been rejected by so many amazing people!” Which is true the people I have asked out on more romantic dates this past year were all really amazing but not interested. So I guess at least I am picking amazing people. Not aligned yet I guess.

The strangest thing happened to me, I was talking about my last broken heart in the car with my friend today and after I was done telling them all about it, Snapchat sent me a friend suggestion and the friend was my ex. It was kind of eerie! I know it’s probably just listening or something creepy. But it always feels like “Is the Universe sending me a sign?” when really it probably just went through contacts and found someone with the same name as who I was telling the story about.

OR I DON’T KNOW maybe it is the Universe. They’ve been heavily on my mind and I’m just so tired and frustrated of myself and not being able to just move on. I feel like a failure in the art of letting go. And it seems like they’ve completely let go of me, they probably don’t even really remember me by now. And I’m just stuck with these reminders and haunted by these memories. And the sad thing is I really still wish it could work out some how, but I am so stuck and I can’t message them because they told me not to. Like I wish they had left it open so we could have talked a few months later, but NO they wanted no contact. Ever ever ever. So what am I supposed to do about that? Nothing, there’s nothing I can do and it’s the worst feeling. They could talk to me but not the other way around.

I also had an awkward session with my therapist recently around current events and I feel anxious about that now too. This world is getting so ugly and things are getting torn apart everywhere because of it. It really sucks.

I don’t know if things will get better. I wish they would but it looks pretty dire out there. I also think the refusal of the Canadian and American governments to listen to their citizens about issues like not sending arms to Israel has demonstrated pretty clearly that we don’t live in the democracies we are pretending we live in. Like the United States government listens to big money lobbyists more than their constituents, I think that’s a government run by capitalism more than democracy. And I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with Canada even tho I live here. We’re stuck with the Liberals and if we go Conservative it’s gonna get so shitty and fascist and I’ll probably lose my access to legal HRT. ARGH! And the NDP DID finally turn around and start asking for a ceasefire, but there was a long period where they went along with all the other parties in terms of the bombing of Gaza, which was really disheartening to me as a progressive. I really don’t know where a safe place is anymore. Fascism is rising all over the place, and based on my reading about what happened with the Nazis after the war, it makes sense. Most of them weren’t punished, most of them were welcomed to other countries all over the world. It just went more places. It is very disturbing.

And I was reading about the rise in hate crimes in Canada, and there’s some against Muslims, but a LOT against Jewish people. Like it definitely spiked. And that’s really scary and something I am trying to remember in all of this. I don’t want people to be unsafe because of what is happening. And also just the fact that I can never have a view of the world from all these different perspectives because I don’t have lived experiences in those communities. I can try to empathize. But I’m limited, and the fact that Meta decided Canadians can’t share news stories has meant I don’t see these events as easily unless I deliberately seek out news sources. Which I was just lazy about before and would read what friends shared on Facebook. But now I have like, a responsibility to actually keep on top of this stuff.

I read about the Hellfire Missiles today and saw a blurred video of a man with his legs chopped off in Gaza. Like it’s basically a missile with giant blades around it to chop people up. It’s disgusting, what kind of fucking monster would imagine something like that into existence? This genocide is bringing new horrors to the world every day. And yet we’re getting blacklisted for saying it’s wrong? Ugh fuck.

Pride in Buenos Aires and random stuff

I am writing this from Canada, I got back here yesterday. On Saturday I went to Pride with Diego and it was fucking incredible. Over a million people marching for LGBTQ Human Rights, but also in solidarity with a lot of other movements like Free Palestine. And they were also super political because an election is coming up with a far right guy they don’t want. And while I was there they also told me a lot about the military dictatorship and I found out about a lot of trauma that happened around those times. And it was over in 1983 which really isn’t that long ago. Like I would have been five years old when it ended, totally unaware in Canada. But they did a really amazing job at preserving sites of remembrance of the terrible things that happened. I showed my films at a building on the same grounds as ESMA which is one of the bigger detention camps where a lot of torture happened. And murders. And they had a plane on the grounds that was one of the death planes where people were sedated and bound and thrown into the ocean or the river. And the plane ended up being sold to the US for a mail plane, and then it went on to be a plane for a skydiving business in Arizona. And then they tracked it down and brought it back to Argentina. It’s intense seeing stuff like that. Canada really does its best to sanitize it’s history. Like, I don’t know that we have a specific residential school as a site of memory. It feels like we should but people kept burning them down.

But anyway, I think I was trying to figure out why they connected with my work and then I thought about some of the newer stuff I’d shown there and how it talks about Indigenous trauma and historical trauma and stuff and I realized nêhiyaw people and Argentinian people are both traumatized people. So maybe that’s the connection.

I do notice that I feel more comfortable around people who have trauma in their history like that.

Anyway Pride was amazing and inspiring and I got to march with some trans people which was super cool. I also went to a trans art exhibit and the curators gave a bunch of us a tour. And then my last night in Buenos Aires I went into an Airbnb with a hot tub, and floated around in just a pair of swimming trunks for the first time. Only two other people were in the hot tub area, so it was a nice intro to being topless in public. Like a regular guy.

I went on Grindr in Buenos Aires and made plans with a guy who bailed, I think he just wanted to jerk off. So that was fine I guess lol awkward but then I didn’t feel like continuing to find a date there. I have a man interested in fooling around in Toronto, so that might happen which would be nice.

I got on this big plane and flew 10 hours to NYC and then in NYC I got delayed for three hours while they fixed something on the plane. And I had a screening last night of work I curated with KJ Edwards and it was like, totally nuts doing ALL the things before and in time for the screening. Like customs/baggage pickup/getting home/taking a bath. And also I had to pick up food but then my card stopped working, so I had to call and get someone’s credit card numbers for the customer service woman to get paid so I could leave. But it all worked out. And today I had a massage and then talked in a class and then just finally relaxed. I’m trying to conserve money so I am smoking roaches in a pipe until Friday when I can pick up weed someone grew for me. And trying to eat the things in my house already. I need to go buy coffee and toilet paper tomorrow tho.

Anyway my point is I’ve been go go go for a while and I’m glad I just get to relax more again. I have therapy tomorrow morning and that’s gonna be nice. I hope! I don’t know I might feel weird who knows. I thought I was gonna have to reschedule her next week but I think 40 minutes is enough time to get home. I have a talk at 1:30 so yeah it’s cutting it close, therapy usually ends at 12:50. But there’s a bus that goes from there to here and I think it’s pretty quick.

It’s so much work being me! I’m glad my work is picking up again though. My income took a hit when I couldn’t work while recovering from surgery. But I think it’s starting to come in again. I remember there was this nice moment when I decided to be a full time artist that I knew I just had to keep doing all these gigs that were offered to me and I could make a living at it. I mean also the big creative projects sustain me. But doing talks and events also brings in a lot of money. I was meaning to do a break down of my income and see what pays me what. But I haven’t.

I’ve been passing as a man pretty consistently these days. There was one guy who called me seniorita in Argentina, just some guy on the street, but mostly people treated me like a man. I’ve noticed people in queer spaces aren’t sure what to do with me tho. I think I read more transmasculine to people who know trans people. But I dunno. It’s like people are shy to flirt with me because they don’t know if I am a fag or a dyke. And that is a weird feeling, to know if people were less confused it might make more dates happen. I was thinking of getting a bisexual flag pin or something to look more open to different genders.

I’ve noticed straight women treat me different, which is interesting. Like, they are a bit more flirty/open to me than when I was presenting as a masculine woman. I haven’t gone on a date with a straight woman yet, but I’m nervous to and also I just have always liked bisexual women. But I should try being open to a straight woman, I don’t know what dating them is like. I did fall for a straight woman once and it was very confusing for me.

Anyway I am passing so well that I had a trans experience with TSA finally on the way back from Buenos Aires. I got a red square over my crotch in the sensor thingy and they did a pat down which was VERY INVASIVE. Very awkward. I don’t understand why someone missing a penis could be hiding something. Where am I hiding something? There’s nothing there! Like that is the anomaly is that there’s an absence, how is that suspicious!? And what about the smoothies?! I guess they are always suspicious?

Anyway ugh. I am doing my name change finally and I gotta do a gender change too on my birth certificate, but that’s not gonna stop the TSA pat down. I was literally standing there getting this pat down and thinking “Maybe I should do phalloplasty just so I don’t have to do this all the time now.” But I don’t want phalloplasty, it was just some desperate thought. Aw. I don’t know if packing would help either because that’s definitely a detachable thing. I think next time I’ll just tell them I’m trans and see what they say.


It’s freezing rain here today so I didn’t go out after I got back from my massage. But tomorrow I am going to the post office to mail my name change, and also to the parcel place to get my packing underwear. I ordered five pairs! One for every weekday. I hope they fit good, I think they will. I’m just looking forward to underwear that will help me pack, because honestly I would do it more if it was simpler and I didn’t have to wear a harness or deal with it moving around in a sock. Like they fall out so often if they aren’t attached somehow. I think I’ll feel better.

I’m doing fine I guess, transition wise. I need more testosterone soon, I gotta call my pharmacy for it. My chest is healing well, the scars are getting lighter with all this scar care I am doing. I massage it with scar cream and then I put silicone scar strips over it most of the day until I have a bath again and do scar massage again. I did leave it off a couple of nights, but it’s definitely working and I want to minimize them. I know likely they would lighten on their own though. But it’s keeping the scars from getting raised which is good. I still need to get a seroma drained. It’s just not absorbing fast enough.

What else? I’m tired! I’ve got a lot of thoughts on my mind. And tomorrow is the two year anniversary of getting dumped by the person I hoped would be a true love so it’s like yay feelings ugh. At least I get to see my therapist tomorrow.

Considered Pornography by the Internet Service Provider

Well, I was gonna post on this page but I guess I have to tether my phone to actually do that, so I am writing this offline and posting later to save data. I was wondering because the wifi here won’t let me look at definitely legit pornography, so I was tethering to my phone for j/o sessions. BUT NOW I find out my own sad sack overshare blog is ALSO pornography.

Please let me know if you have ever orgasmed from my self-indulgent anxieties as detailed here. I would love to know! I never thought of myself as a pornographer but I guess I am, according to right wing leaning Internet Service Providers. I should step it up I don’t think my writing or art has ever made anyone cum. Lol emotional pornography. I do know that my friend who is a school teacher says their school blocks this webpage, and that was a long time ago.

ANYWAY I am in Buenos Aires and it’s been really nice. I am TOTALLY out of my element in terms of not knowing enough Spanish tho, I know very minimal things. I need to practice more. Google has been helpful though, I learned the word for pumpkin (calabaza). Someone on Grindr taught me the word for cocksucking because he prefers to use the Spanish word as it isn’t so rough (peteros). I guess that’s a trigger word for pornography but like whatever grow up.

I’m feeling in between here because I feel too hairless for the men (and also I’m not sure how to signal I also date men) and too dudely for the women (and also I date women but I don’t think I’m around women who date trans men but who knows). There was that one guy on Grindr into peteros tho so I might meet him (and he did specifically say he liked how hairless I was). It’s a confusing time! I also don’t know enough Spanish and I can do easy things like order uno café con leche y dos medìalunas, or uno calabaza risotto y uno limonada. But the menu and google is helping me. I had an awkward time at the store because I was trying to buy blueberries at the wrong counter and they were trying to tell me to go to the fruit and veg guy’s till. I did figure it out (or they figured out how to show me what they meant). I’ve been eating a lot of empanadas and I think the festival people are like “Uhhh but there are also all these other things you could be eating” which is fair but I know where the nearby cheap empanada place is that seems to know enough English so it’s kind of a standby at the moment.

The festival people are great, they are radicalizing me ha ha. The director Diego was telling me how their gender identity laws work here because they are MUCH better than Canada. In Canada I need to get a doctor’s letter to change my gender on my ID, but here you just go and tell them who you are and they change it. Even eight year olds can just go to their teachers and state their name and gender identity without needing anyone’s permission. Diego was saying Identity is a human right and I’m like fuck of course it is that makes so much sense. Also it makes me realize how backwards Canada is still. I mean the whole thing with trans kids is still being debated there, and here it’s just a human right.

Of course tho there’s a lot of violence against trans people in Argentina, one trans person gets murdered every week. I know we have violence against trans folks in Canada but I don’t know if it’s because our population is smaller but it’s not at that scale.
But also the population of Buenos Aires alone is comparable to the population of all of Canada. So there’s differences.

The economy here is in a bad way, so things are really cheap according to my exchange rate. However I notice I get charged more in certain touristy places, like, I think they just know I have more money. Like I bought a stamp and postcards and it was kind of nuts, and of course it was from a touristy gift store. So I just mailed one postcard. I might mail the rest from Canada, but I don’t know.

My money situation is also sucky but I’ve managed to coast on my perdium so far. BUT FUCK! So many places owe me money and they all very happily tell me I’ll get it in a few weeks while their systems process whatever. No one is in a hurry to pay artists. It sucks. It really does, and I know they could speed it up but they don’t, it’s not THEM who has to pay the rent, it’s ME. So I could get tossed out of my apartment but whatever, they’re not gonna rush the administration to put my payments through. I also still have $8000 worth of travel grants that I don’t know about yet. I would love to have them because I’ve had to front a lot of money for the London trip. For this trip I got some help from the Embassy of Canada because we were waiting and waiting and I needed to get a plane ticket to come here so they used my artist fee to buy it. But now I’m in this weird situation of needing my artist fee and I still am waiting to hear from the ISO if I am getting covered.

Basically I don’t think I’m gonna get any money until I’m back in Canada. Because people who have money to give me are fucking slow and not in a hurry at all. And I still have another week here and I guess I’m just lucky that the economy here is not great so I can get things relatively cheaply unless they know I’m a tourist (which they clue in on pretty fast when I don’t understand what they are saying). But really I just wish I had money again so I could like, actually go get a steak and not another dos empanadas. I’ll be fine I guess I have a place to stay this whole time and the festival is looking out for me, and I do have family back home who could send me money in an emergency.

ANYWAY ha ha I guess that’s all for this blog. I am gonna tether to my phone now and try to post this.

It's a pornography store, I was buying pornography

Tired in London

It’s late evening in London UK and I am sooooo tired but at least I am making plans to see friends while I am here which is good. Mom and I saw some really good films, two standouts were Sky Peals and All Roads Taste of Salt. They were both slow savoury kind of films that made me think a lot in different ways. Sky Peals seemed to be about a man trying to understand his fathers and his own neurodivergence. And All Roads Taste of Salt was very tactile and rich and a really interesting way to tell a story of a woman’s life.

Anyway, tomorrow we are going to the Book of Mormon which is kind of funny because my Mom has Mormon related trauma but wanted to see it. So that’s what we are gonna see!

We’ve eaten tons of things and I try to take pictures of the exciting ones, although I did take a pic on the first day of a substandard English Breakfast with a sausage that tasted like it was made with sawdust. Who knows, maybe it was! The English breakfast yesterday was amazing tho.

I’m also thinking about things like my life and shit like that. I think maybe what is tripping me up about getting over my ex is that I really wanted that relationship to MEAN something. It wasn’t a real relationship tho, it was a situationship. Which generally don’t mean much. BUT now I am seeing it did mean something, just not what I was expecting. It somehow was a catalyst for my transition. BUT the funny thing is even though it was, I don’t think I transitioned to try and win them back. Like I just wanted to finally be myself. It sucks to be rejected, but even worse is to be rejected when you aren’t even being yourself fully. Maybe I can console myself that the next person who comes along will reject me for who I really am instead of for who I am pretending to be.

I don’t think I was a very good lesbian. I mean, I didn’t even really date lesbians anyway, I was always dating bisexuals because deep down I knew I was a dude.

I feel fundamentally changed by that situationship though. It did something to me. I don’t know if it was good or bad. It felt bad when I was in it, on some level I knew they didn’t love me and then they even told me that straight up at the end. I felt like a wilting flower in that relationship, like my shine was getting duller and duller the longer it went on. It was like never being seen for who I am, I even told them they couldn’t see me for who I am. It was so frustrating and sad and made my self-esteem go in the shitter. I feel like as much as it hurt, them dumping me for good was probably the best outcome ultimately. Afterwards I could finally be myself and fall in love with myself again and do all the things I wanted to do and be ambitious again.

Like really I did all the things they say you should do after a breakup. I went to the gym and started working out. I made major physical changes because I transitioned. I know they don’t say “You should transition after a breakup” but they do say stuff about improving your appearance and I did improve for myself in more masculinizing ways with testosterone and top surgery. I didn’t really change my wardrobe, but I have started wearing tighter shirts now that I don’t have chest dysphoria. I even embraced my bisexuality which I was always trying to stamp down before because my attraction to men confused me when the only options were boring straight guys who didn’t care about making me cum. Suddenly I was having sex with queer guys who liked having queer sex where cumming is more equal. That was really nice. I think I got more confidence also. I also worked REALLY hard in therapy on things I’d been having issues with and some of it is making demonstrable changes in my life. Like my boundaries are a lot better. I’m more protective of myself now. And my self esteem is not in the shitter anymore. And my career is in a really good place right now. I made an entire video game. I’ve continued with other projects. And I guess I learned to love myself more so I don’t need to find outside validation.

Can something shitty make life better sometimes? That seems like a weird path to go on. No one says they want to fall in love with someone who won’t love them so it will make them a better person. But is that what happened? I don’t know. Maybe I could have gotten better in a different way. Maybe with the therapist I was already working with I would have gotten there anyway.

BUT I do remember why this bad ending turned into a catalyst for my transition, and it wasn’t entirely to do with that person. It was a long distance thing and I’d cancelled an overseas flight somewhere else and Air Canada was trying to do something so they gave me extra aeroplan points in exchange for not giving me my money back. And I took them because I was like ok, this is enough for three round trips to the area my person I loved lived. And then it all went to shit so ok, those flights are not getting used to visit this person anymore. So I took a FUCK YOU trip to New Orleans to use one of my round trips. And at the time I knew something was up with my gender so I was trying to get people to rotate using she/they/he for my pronouns. But people were REALLY resistant to using he/him for me, except for this new friend I made in New Orleans who was using he/him for me all the time and I realized those were my pronouns. And then it kind of all snowballed from there.

So yes, changing pronouns is like, a foundational thing that can lead to good things. Because as disruptive as transition can be, ultimately being yourself is a good thing.

Anyway, I don’t want this to sound like my situationship ex was a terrible person. I’m just not made up of things they find lovable. But that doesn’t mean no one will find the things I am made of to be lovable.

Buenos Aires is coming up later this month. It’s getting confusing!!! So many trips. I’m excited tho, it’s going to be super fun. I’m working on my Spanish with Duolingo still. I can say “Una hamburguesa de pescado, por favor!” Although I don’t want a fish burger, but pescado sounds so pretty. I’ll have to think of another food item that sounds pretty in Spanish. El pescado es bonito! There now it just is pretty but I don’t have to eat it. I’m in the Emerald League right now. Maybe after I learn enough Spanish I’ll go back to one of the other languages I ditched. I was pretty advanced in German. It would be nice to finish one entire Duolingo course instead of a few units. Una hamburguesa con queso por favor is probably more my speed really.

More ramble! And a failed hookup

I probably won’t post here while I’m in London because I’ll be busy or tired. But tomorrow night I go to London! Super exciting. I did laundry today and took out my trash. And bought a bunch of Clif bars for the trip in case we are doing something and I suddenly get hangry. They’re kind of the easiest thing for me to maintain my appetite needs since I got on T, you just open them and eat them and you don’t have to worry for a while.

In Animal Crossing there’s all these apple trees on my island and sometimes I eat the apples after I pick them but also I don’t know if it really does anything for my character. He’s very underfed honestly, usually I sell his apples. Manzanas!

I’ve been doing Duolingo Spanish for the last week and a bit and I got really far with it the other day and did like, ten lessons! It was a lot. I ended up number 1 on the Ruby League leaderboard. I’m gonna fuck up my statistics while I am away tho, probably lose my streak. Unless I can keep it up just before bed. I think I’m at eight or nine days in a row which isn’t a lot but it’s at least something.

I tried to set up a hook up before I leave town tomorrow, and this guy seemed kinda ok but now I found out he doesn’t kiss so my interest went from 75% to 0%. I don’t know, if you’re going to stick your dick in me you should be able to use your tongue too. Maybe that’s just me. Kissing is the best part! Ugh. So nevermind.

Anyway hopefully I will post at least something from London. It depends how much free time I have I guess!