Reading Old Diaries is Instructive

So I opened an old diary from earlier in the pandemic and read through a tragic relationship. And wow, with the benefit of time and distance I can see so many things that were wrong about that situation. Like, there were a lot of hot/cold, push/pull stuff going on in the relationship. Long silent treatments and then these weird apologies and then it would happen again, over and over. And for some reason instead of walking away like I would now, I would stay and try to work things out. I don’t know, I would also take on too much responsibility for why things were fucking up in that connection. Like I had legit reasons to complain and ask for better behaviour but instead I would bend over backwards trying to fix it.

And I was so convinced it was meant to be when it was just a big mess. Wow when I read my diary from that time period I just want to tell myself to give it up and walk away and save my dignity. UGH. Gross.

My therapist recently asked if the reason that my relationships haven’t really worked out so far is because I’m being protected from unsuitable partners and I kind of think it’s true. It’s a valid question anyway, especially since for the most part I’m glad most of my romantic relationships either ended or transitioned to friendships. I just feel so bummed that I wasted so much time looking back and pining for someone who couldn’t even be respectful to me when we were dating. Ugh it’s depressing. BUT also I did have to go through kind of a romantic transitory period while transitioning where I wasn’t spending time on someone else. So in a way it was good I was single the beginning of my transition.

I think the other good thing about reading old diaries is seeing how I have changed so much. Before testosterone, I was so fuelled by romantic obsession. Estrogen is a wacky hormone! And it’s not for me, although I know everyone has a bit of estrogen in their system. But my testosterone is more dominant now and although I do get romantic feelings for people, they’re not obsessive like before. Like they are curiosities. And if someone wants to follow up on my curiosity for them maybe I would let the romantic feelings get bigger. But so far no one has really picked it up. So I don’t have big romantic feelings for anyone really right now. I have crushes and stuff but they tend to start with sexual desire more than romantic desire. I’m not aromantic though. Just, things are different.

I feel bad for myself when I was hopelessly in love with someone who didn’t love me at all. And I just kept trying to make it work. But if I was dating that person now, I would have walked away as soon as they started being inconsistent.

Also I just don’t think I have the same feeling of romantic scarcity that I had when I was dating them. Being a lesbian and looking for lovers was fucking HARD and I was pretty demisexual I think so it was hard finding people that matched. But now dating as a bisexual trans man, there’s so many more options and even just having sex and finding sexual partners is ridiculously easy. I’m not romantically dating anyone right now, but I don’t feel like, as almost desperate as I felt dating as a lesbian. I feel more calm and centred and like, if someone comes along then great, but in the meantime I am doing my career and having casual sex and hanging out with friends. Also I don’t feel jealousy the same way. Like, I can date or fool around with people and not get anxious when they are fucking other men/people. Things are just a lot easier.

It’s hard to look at someone who broke my heart and be like “Wow they did me a favour.” But they did. I don’t know, reading this old stuff was illuminating.

I also finally deleted their phone number and blocked their Instagram. So it’s like putting the final nail in the coffin I guess. I’m sure they don’t even check up on me though. And their Instagram was always private so I never really knew anything about them since the end of our friendship/relationship. Wow that was a weird time in my life. I am so relieved it’s over. And hopefully I can stay on testosterone so I’m never that lost in “love” feelings again.

The Poo Emoji IS Helpful

I’m really busy right now, ever since I got home. I’ve been catching up on work. I didn’t have a lot of time for work in Saskatoon and now it’s like, back to all my jobs. I’ve been having meetings and stuff. I actually missed two meetings by accident, one was because I put the time in my calendar in Saskatoon and forgot to update it to EST. So it was two hours behind in my calendar and I missed it! And then the other meeting I missed because I was hyperfocused on doing my syllabus. So that was too bad but I caught up with all those people now. I really need to set more alarms for myself, I lose track of time so easily. My calendar used to be a good enough reminder but it’s not working like it used to.

I was throwing my hands up in the air and like, giving up on Canada Council grants. But then someone convinced me to give it another shot. So I am slowly getting all the materials together for the fall deadline. I was also intimidated by doing the budget, but the budget is not as horrible as I assumed. I have one project I think I can do in two years, and then hopefully another project I can finish in a year. BUT ALSO I might just make this one big project a three year project. Because it does have a lot of steps, AND I can include another project in at the same time. Because I would like to work on more than one project.

My transition video was on hold during travels. So I haven’t worked on it for a while. I need to edit in a lot more things. It’s taking so much longer to edit now that there are background videos, so I need to figure that out, or hit render more I guess. I am hoping to finish it by the end of this summer though.

OH something exciting in my transition did happen! ***TMI WARNING****

I had an appointment with my nurse practitioner who deals with trans health care to talk about metoidioplasty. Which is a bottom surgery. I’m hoping to get a simple release metoidioplasty next summer. So that’s a thing. I don’t feel like I have to fit a particular shape of a guy though. Like I do feel like a man, but I’m ok with genitals that aren’t like a cis man’s genitals. But they could work in a way I appreciate more. So that’s happening. I have to pick a surgeon. She gave me the email address to ask if OHIP has worked with funding particular surgeons, so I have it narrowed down to three or four surgeons and am going to send an email about them. There’s one in the USA I particularly want, but I’m not sure I’m small enough fat wise for her. It’s complicated!!! I hate bmi stuff but yeah it comes up a lot.

I’m being bothered by my fighting dogs right now. Play fighting. Well I think Todd is being annoying to Posey. TODD cut it out! He’s such a brat. Puppy adolescence is no joke! He’s very willful and ridiculous. And he goes to sleep so late and he wakes up so early. It’s hard because he’s bouncing all over me while he’s awake. So it makes falling asleep and staying asleep difficult.

I’m doing the syllabus for my class so I’ve been looking through the online journals and stuff for readings. I’m realizing I may have to revise which films from which directors I am showing because there’s more writing about one film than another.

I’m having a good time otherwise I suppose. I also have to get materials ready for a workshop later in August because some of it has to be translated into Spanish. I’m hanging out with my dogs and mostly sticking close to home. It’s nice just being home for a little bit. Although I remember I got antsy about wanting to travel while I couldn’t because of my name change going through. So maybe that’s just my curse, to want to travel when I can’t and want to stay home when I have to travel.

I do like traveling though. I think the anxiety comes from me needing to get dog sitters all the time because I have sucky dog babies ha ha. They’re sweet but yeah, organizing that is stressful.

I have therapy on Monday! I had to skip this past week because I was traveling and then she was unable to reschedule. So I am gonna be happy to get to talk to her again soon. I haven’t seen her since before Saskatoon so that’s a whole thing to talk about. And I guess other things happened. I got a job! That’s right, I didn’t talk to her after that happened yet. I did tell her in an email because I will be able to pay her higher rate when I get paid. I need to redo my budget actually.

I’m struggling for the rest of the summer though, because money is few and far between right now. So that will be a pain. Posey had mystery bloody poops for 24 hours and I almost had to find money for the vet, but then she got better and I think it was just dog anxiety because she went to my friend’s house with their roommates for a night. Blood poops, so dramatic! She’s fine now. There was a series of texts back and forth about her poops. So that poo emoji IS helpful.

Melissa Etheridge Didn’t Get Hit by Lightning

I made it back to Saskatoon for my first time in two years. It’s been really nice. Something I like about coming back to my territory is I learn new things about myself every time. I visited my cousin and she let me try on my late Grandpa’s cowboy hat. And even though it’s prob 2 sizes too big for me right now, it does look really good on me. And then my Uncle John decided to give it to me, so I have that now and it’s really nice! I actually also decided I want a felt cowboy hat. And then I talked to my Dad yesterday and he offered to give me his Grandfather’s cowboy hat from the 50’s which is a brown Stetson flat top. So someday I will see it I suppose!

I also visited my Dad obviously, and I’ve seen my Mom a lot and it has been nice. I saw a couple of cousins and a bunch of friends. And my Uncle John and one of my fave exes/friends. I also went to Sasktel Jazzfest and took mushrooms with my friends and watched Jewel and Melissa Etheridge. I knew very few of their songs but it was still fun. There was a thunderstorm when Melissa got on and I was surprised they went ahead with it because normally the Jazzfest cancels outdoor concerts during a thunderstorm. I guess Melissa’s team was determined to play though. And like, the rain did let up about ten minutes into her concert so it was fine really. She didn’t get hit by lightning anyway.

I also got a psychic reading from one of my fave Youtuber tarot readers, Cosmic Tarot. It was SO fucking accurate holy crap! I was pretty amazed. I’d been watching her collective tarot readings for Taurus and also Sagittarius and they often had points that resonated with me. And I like her style of doing readings. So I had to get a personal reading because I was looking for a psychic and she really tapped into my energy it was incredible. I’ve had a couple of disappointing psychic readings in the last couple of years, so I was so pleased with this one. The other ones just didn’t “fit” with what I was experiencing at the time. But this one made sense in so many ways. I won’t detail it here.

But one thing I have been noticing which she picked up is this closer connection with a spiritual world. I’ve noticed it since I began transitioning. I mean I knew spirits were around and have had experiences before, but this is getting more and more clear in the last two years. I’ve been able to communicate with my Grandpa without any tools or anything, just in this space. I don’t know how to explain it. Telepathically I guess. It’s not like I have to say my answers or questions out loud. But it def feels like he communicates with me and I “hear” his voice although it’s not an audible hearing if that makes sense. Also I’ve been seeing spirits finally. A lot of stuff in my peripheral vision, but also some full on apparitions in front of me. One was a little girl back at the Whaley House in San Diego. But mostly they are lights or shadows, like orbs and light forms and stuff.

There’s also some spiritual stuff I found out about myself by coming back home and talking with relatives who have some spiritual knowledge. So that’s been interesting, and of course not something I will talk about here in public except that it makes things make sense for me. Like protective things and that sort of stuff.

It’s been a good trip, and I am so relieved because I was apprehensive about coming back to Saskatoon. I mean, not everyone is getting my name or pronouns right. But they are trying which does mean something to me. And no one has been acting fucked up to me or anything. Most strangers here just see me as a dude which is nice. And my friends are all still my friends and I got to see a lot of them and catch up on Saskatoon gossip. There’s a whole kink/leather world in this town that I was never really a part of while I lived here, so hearing stuff about that was kind of cool. I was never really a part of the film community here either. I’m not sure why that was, I just didn’t gel I guess. I am much more rooted in Toronto now.

I like coming back to Saskatoon for this visit, but I go back home tomorrow evening and I am pretty sure I’ll be ready by then. If I stayed two weeks it might start to drag on and get weird/shitty. But I think this is like, eight days, and it’s been fine. I’m also staying with a friend instead of my Mom and that’s been good. BUT I have seen my Mom a lot, like almost every day except for a couple days. I think it’s better for us that I’m not at her house the whole time. Like, we can see each other and be happy and then go to our separate spaces at the end of the day and it’s fine. Even before things got weird last time, she would always be a bit stressed out by me being at her house, like the way I would take up space and stuff. And I dunno, I guess I feel weird being a grown up and being in my Mom’s house all the time. SO I think it was a good move.

I miss my dogs!!! I love them so much and I get to be home for a good long while when I return to Toronto. My next trip is to London Ontario for a few days to get settled in as the Artist in Residence/Professor. I’m going to be commuting I think with one night a week in London and taking Via rail there and back. So we’ll see how long that lasts. I mean it has to last ha ha it’s my job. I just got a teaching position there for the Fall term which is a film studies class so I am making up the syllabus now and I think it will be super fun. It’s Indigenous Cinema! I am having a hard time whittling down which films to show, there’s so many good ones!!! It’s really nice that we have this problem, that Indigenous Cinema is so deep and beautiful from so many filmmakers and so many countries. I mean even though the last few months was rough, I really do love the Indigenous film community and all the work people have done.

Self Consciousness about Dancing and Music

I’m trying to crack my self consciousness around dancing and music. Like, I just feel very awkward dancing in public which is kind of weird because I used to love dancing in public until someone made fun of me. Which is shitty, esp since they were also a person who likes to dance so I don’t even know why they were acting like that. ANYWAY I am still very awkward about it. And not going to dances which isn’t helping.

I’ve also got a mental block around being musical. Because of my Mom being annoyed by me singing when I was a kid. So I’m trying to break that barrier too, not so much about singing (although I do like to sing alone at home a lot) but more around playing music. I have a ukulele but I haven’t played it in a long time. I actually would like to try getting an acoustic guitar. I think I could have fun learning how to play it. I don’t really want to play in public or in a band or anything, I just want to do it for my own satisfaction. Like spend Sunday afternoons learning a song or something. I don’t know!

I’m also trying to get back into Duolingo even though I find their decision to use AI suspect. ALSO I heard they got rid of the gay content so that they could still operate in Russia which I think is a bad move. Personally I don’t like when my community is eliminated in online spaces. Just a feeling I get.

I am practicing Spanish and German. I forgot all my Spanish but actually so far it hasn’t been bad. I also forgot German or so I thought but I’m doing ok with that too. Maybe I didn’t forget as much as I thought I did. I’m not paying for Duolingo Plus. It’s just regular Duolingo. And it told me today that the German word for Job interview is Jobinterview. But then Google translate told me Job Interview in German is vorstellungsgespräch which is very different than just two English words squished together. I would rather learn the big unwieldy German word because accuracy is important.

I don’t know how I will have time to add learning two languages and a musical instrument into my life, considering all the work I’m still doing, but I may as well. I don’t even have to be doing it all the time anyway. But I haven’t got the guitar yet, so it will be a while before learning the instrument comes up in my day to day life.

I have to empty my sharps into my big sharps container! Ahh I wonder if I should take mine to the pharmacy finally? I have like, a GIANT tub of sharps and it’s probably just getting to the line where they ask you to stop. So I should prob take it in and exchange it.

I remember I had a job for a couple of summers where I would go look for used needles in Saskatoon’s inner city, and one time my partner and I were looking and someone was like “Someone left their recyclables over there!” And it had been some street involved person’s secret stash of used needles. I think we took it but left an empty sharps container behind. I don’t totally remember. I just remember finding it cute they called it recyclables.

Harm reduction is important!

Man! That box of needles looks rank, ha ha I think I’ll do it now since I need to get toilet paper anyway and it’s finally cooled off.

Berry Picking Demo

I have to record a workshop on Friday on Procreate and Unity and it’s not an exhaustive workshop, more like a demo to get people used to the tools. So I’ve been all angsty about pre-recording it because my Macbook has been overheating and shutting down when I use Unity with other programs open. And I had to record Procreate on a separate device. The Procreate demo went fast, I was just making a background and some sprites. 12 minutes! There’s other demos that go more into detail, but I realized I only have an hour for this whole workshop. So I still needed to make AN ENTIRE GAME in Unity. So I did that too tonight, in MANY small screen recordings. I was stopping every time the computer was thinking and you know, not able to do anything, as it does. And the parts at the end when I had to learn why something wasn’t working, I cut that too and just ended up showing what worked. The game itself is not totally finished, it’s just an intro to unity. But the player moves and it has a function.

I didn’t know what kind of game to make until today. I know how to do collecting objects, so I needed to do a destroy script, only I called it PickBerry, and the game was to pick berries off a bush. So the berry sprites disappear when the hand touches them. And then I wanted them to make a bloop noise, so I tried to do PlayOneShot but that DID NOT WORK. I ended up doing all kinds of stuff off camera to get it to work. And it DOES work now, and I showed what I changed to do that. So I cut out my boring attempts to solve it because no one needs that in a workshop. And anyway, the screen recordings are 41 minutes without a lot of editing. I deleted one moment when I forgot to stop the screen recorder. I made 20 screen recordings and then put them all in Premiere Pro and tomorrow I will edit more out of it. So in the end I DID manage to record a demo under 40 minutes. Which gives me extra time to blab about my career in games. My career in games is like, small, I made two games. But there’s things about it that I’ve learned I guess ha ha.

I had a great time in New York last week, I came back on Monday. I saw a lot of art, I went to the Guggenheim and saw the Jenny Holzer show which was incredible. She is one of my favourite artists. I got a hat from it that says “Protect Me From What I Want.” I wanted the hoodie though, and I think I WILL order it when I get more money. It says “Savour Kindness Because Cruelty Is Always Possible Later.”

I got lost in Central Park and then found and saw a John Lennon mascot which I initially thought was Jesus until I saw the little glasses.

I also went to the 9/11 Memorial and Museum and let me tell you that was HEAVY. Holy fuck! There’s a wall that has human remains behind it from bodies they are still struggling to identify. And the main exhibit in the middle which tells the story of that day is really intense but you can’t take photos in it. Which I think is reasonable considering the content. The part that made me cry was a scrolling text of all the voice mails of people checking on their friend who had been in one of the planes. I was just reading them but you could listen to them too. But I was already crying too hard reading them to be able to listen, I knew it would make me even more of a mess.

I later was thinking about as Indigenous people we don’t really have a museum about our trauma. And maybe we don’t need it, but also maybe we do? Maybe it needs to be laid out there for non-Indigenous people to learn about what happened. Because people just kind of don’t want to look at what happened to us. And also I think we’re very private about what kind of trauma is in our communities as a safety thing. I dunno, just some thoughts.

I went to the sexy party for trans masculine people and friends the same day as the 9/11 Museum which was a VERY AWKWARD switch from the emotions of the day. I think if I had planned better I would have gone to see art that day instead. BUT the party was lots of fun and I met new people which was cool. Someone recognized me in the backroom and told me how much they loved my films which was kind of hilarious.

I feel good about doing the demo for Unity today, because I realized I DO know a lot about how to make a game. I’m teaching a class on video game development in the Winter term so I’m happy I’ll be able to do it. I don’t know if I will have to pre-record all the Unity demos though. Because it does cut out the boring time where the computer is working and can’t do anything. But also the class time is longer than an hour FOR SURE and hopefully students are following along.

I also have this for that class now which might be a good intro to Unity and C#. I’ve got to think of specific functions I want to teach students, and how they can find out answers to their own specific functions they want in their games. I’m going to be learning how to make a character that can jump this fall, so hopefully I’ll be able to give them more options for their player controller. Because all my players have been floating heads so far which are very easy to program.

I’ve also got to make some curriculum for a workshop next month on Storytelling, because it needs to get translated in advance into Spanish. So I’ll be doing that. I like teaching skills, I feel like people need to be empowered to tell stories in videos and video games and I know how to do that nerdy stuff and like talking to students. So it’s fun for me, plus getting paid to do it is helpful for me as a struggling artist.

I’m so exhausted now. I spent a lot of the day making sure most of the code I was using was going to work. Because I had to type it all in again. And I think being apprehensive about if the Macbook crashed and deleted screen recordings. But it never crashed because I quit Chrome before working on it. Chrome is a RAM hog. Ugh. Hate it. So yeah in the end it worked out. But I’m glad I recorded today because I can edit it and output it tomorrow morning before I have to go somewhere.

I have to see my doctor who did my Salpingectomy tomorrow afternoon, I think it will be fine, my incisions FINALLY stopped spitting out stitches and healed over. So that’s a relief. I think I might start putting scar sheets on them because they are very dark right now.

Anyway I should get ready to go to bed. I get to see a friend from far away tomorrow so that’s exciting! Hoping my Goodfood box arrives in time, but also might end up having to make something else for us for dinner.

New York Citaaay!

I’m in New York City! My pups are being lovingly cared for back in Toronto. I’ve been here since Thursday and will be here until next Monday so I got another week here. I did the Tosquelles themed film series that I was programmed in at the Museum of the Moving Image and tomorrow morning I am going to go see the accompanying show for it at the American Folk Art Museum. So that will be fun. I saw the Jim Henson Exhibition at the MoMI and it was fucking AMAZING ha ha I saw Big Bird IN THE FEATHER and Miss Piggy and Kermit and many other celebs like some Fraggles and Statler and Waldorf and a Skeksi and also Sarah and the Goblin King’s costumes and the Goblin King STILL has a giant bulge ha ha. And I think also Cookie Monster and one of the otters in that jug band. Many muppets, many smiles from me ha ha. I showed in the same building as Jim Henson! I was in the same space as Big Bird!

Theo Cuthand in front of Big Bird
Star struck with Big Bird

I tell you that’s gonna be a highlight for a while.

I also went to MoMA PS1 and saw more great art. Today I used my Artist Lifetime Pass to the Whitney to go see the Whitney Biennial. I went from there to the Grand Central Oyster Bar and had twelve oysters and a swordfish steak which is probably the most expensive dinner I can kind of afford while I’m here. There were two oysters that were each the size of a chicken cutlet and I had to open my mouth really big to get it in. I almost had to bite them in half they were so big. I wanted to go there for my 46th birthday this year, but I was having passport delays (because of birth certificate delays) so this was my much delayed birthday dinner. So I don’t feel too guilty for spending that much money on oysters and swordfish.

I also got a latte and a tart au citron from the Whitney’s bakery and it was TOO MUCH MONEY. 31 Canadian dollars!!! I should have asked if members get a discount. But it was a great tart! But also I am swearing off eating in museum bakeries/cafes/restaurants from now on.

I stopped at a deli for a sandwich on my way to one of the screenings this weekend and it was way more reasonable. And I ordered burgers on Uber Eats when I was at the hotel, which was way cheaper too. So I think I just got to avoid the super pretentious places for eating. The Oyster bar is not pretentious but it is expensive.

Tomorrow afternoon we are going to a bagel place and then taking the ferry to the gay beach. Which will be exciting. I’ve been carrying around a stick of sunscreen AND using it AND a hat and I’ve managed to avoid burning myself except for the first day when I tried to take on the sun and lost. One day I wore my hat and it was so hot that it was literally WET with sweat and I had to take it off and let it dry during a screening. I also brought my cock hat but I was gonna save that for Pride weekend.

I have a ticket for a sexy cis and trans party on Pride weekend so I am excited about that. I also went to a gathering for the solstice the first night I was here. Tonight I went downstairs to hang out with the Union Docs lab people who were having a BBQ. And I should probably start winding down since I gotta get up early and go to the American Folk Art Museum.

I’ve been doing the subway while I am here which has been a lot better than I thought. I only got lost one time when I took two different wrong trains. But I found myself again! I think it’s been way faster to get around here on the subway, my Mom and I used to use cabs a lot but they always got stuck in traffic. If my Mom was here she would hate the subway though because she’s got a bad knee and there’s a shit ton of stairs and people walking fast. There are some accessible stations but not enough. Anyway, when we were in London in the fall we did take more public transit but it was hard and we could only go on routes that had minimal walking. While here I’ve been walking so much.

OMFG I keep forgetting to write about this! Well, I had hooked up with a guy back in Toronto and while we were fooling around his hand grazed my left side near my nipple and I swear to god there was an erotic sensation! It does feel like something is going on there. It kind of tingles when I touch it now, both sides actually. Not TOTALLY how my nipple used to feel before it was a graft, but it is closer to an erotic sensation. If I pinch it it hurts a bit which is a good sign. Although I knew I had deeper sensation anyway. But the surface being a tingle now is very encouraging for me. I hope when/if I get a revision on my sides that my sensation doesn’t get knocked back again. The other cool thing is the tingly part is even bigger than my nipple. It’s the skin around my nipple too. It’s a pretty wide area actually. So I’m feeling like maybe that sensation will come back.

It would be nice if it does. I’ve been unenthusiastic about letting guys play with my chest just because it was so numb for so long. But it’s been ten months now and I’m feeling like nerves are more connected than before.

Anyway New York has been fun so far, and Union Docs is showing my video game and my videos on Thursday so I am looking forward to that. I’m going to play a demo of my lesbian vampire game and then show some videos (or vice versa I dunno lol) and then the audience can take turns playing the game.

I also got some (very pricey) books from the MoMA PS1 bookstore, I got Revolution is Love: A year of Black Trans Liberation, and then I got Rest is Resistance: A Manifesto by Tricia Hersey which I am SUPER excited to read because I logically know sleep is helpful, but also feel so guilty sometimes if I need a nap. So maybe this will reinforce my respect of my own nap times.

I don’t remember if I wrote about this already, but the thrill of hook up culture is starting to leave me. I’m asking myself questions like “What if I had an ongoing relationship with someone who actually cared to learn about what makes me feel good and vice versa?” A lot of guys just seem to want to stick it in and I’m thinking maybe the Bottom label doesn’t work for me anymore because I want more attention on my cock than my hole now. I don’t know I would always like both being stimulated, but guys don’t really pay attention to my cock which is an issue and why I’m thinking dating for love might be better for me. There was one guy who was amazing at it though and I will probably hook up with him again. I guess it’s a learning curve? My therapist said maybe I should start teaching them what I want which is probably the best idea. Some guys are just selfish though and I need less of them coming over.

I have had more and more romantic feelings for men and men-adjacent people this last couple of years, but still not an actual romantic date with a masculine person. So I aspire to that at some point. It doesn’t mean I haven’t been asking people on romantic dates though, but no one has said yes yet, or not that particular group of people anyway. I was on Grindr the first night I was here but ugh I don’t really think I want a Grindr hookup here.

Chest Update and Shirtless Outdoors for the First Time

So my new chest is doing awesome. I thought I could post a new pic of it here for your perusal. I think I have a bit of dog ears going on, BUT overall still really happy with it. Won’t go to talk about a revision until maybe September. It would probably be a simple liposuction revision on both sides and a bit of removal in the middle. But I’m doing good! Here it is today.

Theo's Chest
My chest today, almost 10 months after top surgery

At some point it won’t be new anymore. Although I guess I plan improvements. Like I still want to build my pecs up.

OK Todd is freaking me out! I have the window open (but there’s a screen) and he keeps looking outside and then getting scared and going under the couch. What is he seeing?! We’re not on the ground floor, all there are up here are squirrels. And maybe the odd athletic raccoon I guess. What ever it is is very concerning to him!

Anyway back to my chest, hopefully a murderous raccoon is not lurking outside.

I’ve decided to start doing pushups every day. I’m starting slow with 30 pushups a day. Although yesterday I could only manage 20. But that’s because Todd thought it was a game and kept trying to give me kisses and was doing play bows because I guess that’s what he thought I was doing ha ha. Lil guy. Posey used to be like that but she’s matured.

She’s so lovely but she really is SO OLD now, like she’s ten but I can tell she is slowing down. She’s on heart medication. BUT ALSO has been putting on weight because she’s eating Todd’s food. It’s a mess, she needs to lose weight. She’s like a little turkey. Or a piglet. I mean she’s adorable she’s just wider than Todd is and I need to get them both into a more equal space, because Todd has been too skinny. BUT he is finally putting on weight so I’m happy about that. But Posey needs less. Ahhh. Pets! Having a really old girl and a really young boy is very different! When Little Mister got old there came a time when he couldn’t really do walks anymore. I would take him out to the courtyard and he would sniff around a bit and then ask to go back inside. So that time might be coming. Although right now Posey still likes a walk. They’re short walks, she goes out for 20-25 minutes. But Todd could probably go for longer. I might try bringing him places with me. I think he could get used to it, he used to go on streetcars when he was just a little baby, getting carried in my bag. But he’s gotten more barky with people. It’s an experiment I guess.

ANYWAY on Sunday I went to boxing class in the park and my shirt turned out to be dirty, so I took it off. It was my first time in the world shirtless! Aside from being in swimming pools/hot tubs! I stuck to the shade, so I think my scars are okay. I might go without a shirt next time at boxing class too. Some other trans masc people with top surgeries have been taking shirts off in class before, but it was my first time!

I’ll definitely need to start carrying around sunscreen though. Because my scars turned out sooooo nice and I don’t want to mess them up. PLUS ALSO I should just start carrying around sunscreen anyway because the sun is not always our friend. Not in this climate, with this amount of radiation. So sad! It feels nice on my chest though, I used to only go shirtless indoors.

Anyway it’s after midnight and probably too late to do pushups, but also it’s finally cooler so maybe I will do them before I go to bed.

Thank god it’s Friday

I’m doing ok, doing work stuff. I am going to be editing a video all weekend but also hopefully have time for a hookup. The dogs can only be crated for three hours at a time, so generally I kick out my hookups after that time has elapsed. I’m a single Dad! I have limitations!

I finally got my taxes done, or rather, got all my stuff together and added up for my accountant to do my taxes. It’s going to be late, but hopefully the penalty isn’t too too bad. I guess we’ll see. I had a LOT of expenses last year, and only so much income, so I’m not sure how it will work out in my tax return. I think I will not have to pay too much, maybe nothing at all. I had a lot of medical expenses last year between therapy and massages and top surgery. And a lot of travel costs. So we’ll see.

I was overwhelmed by all the things I needed to do, so I made a big to do list. And I got through the admin stuff pretty quick. I still have to change my name on my business account so it matches. But I filled out two forms for the credit bureaus in Canada so they will change my name. I mailed them off last night. I also finally filed my corporate return for my production company, so it WON’T get dissolved and I should be able to use it to apply for more funds from funders that need a corporation. I also finished these Equity Diversity and Inclusion videos we made for McMaster, so that’s a relief, it was one of those tasks hanging over my head for ages. And they turned out really lovely, so I think it should be good now. I still need to figure out if I need to update my info in CAVCO and I don’t know where I go for that.

One of my funding things didn’t come through, but it’s OKAY because I made plans for the next year with the expectation that I wouldn’t get it. So I am not counting on it for income this year, and my income should still be definitely above poverty level for a while anyway. So I’m fine, and the plans for that project are shifting but it’s still not cancelled yet. I’m just waiting to hear back from people about where it could go from here and I have an idea of somewhere that could produce it. So it’s working out eventually I suppose.

I’m making money moves! Ha ha.

I got a faculty email account for the first time, which is exciting. So far the only email I have sent is to my Mom and my regular email address to test it. Yes it works! I don’t have a super professional signature on it, so I suppose I should work on that. And I’m not sure if I should put my website or my game’s download link in my signature. This is probably the most professional gig I’ve done, in regards to academics, so I’m not sure a sloppy overshare blog should be on there. ALTHOUGH this is also my artist website, so it is unprofessional in a professional way I guess?

I took a pic of my bulge that the new packer makes in my pants and posted it on Instagram but put the word “dick” in the caption, so it got autodeleted. No dicks on Instagram. It wasn’t my actual dick tho it was just the bulge. Sigh. It’s fine, I think they did leave a second one I posted because I didn’t write dick in the caption. It’s just trans masculine things I guess. It DOES feel nice, even though it’s fucking huge. I feel like it’s such a show off thing though and also kind of silly for me to walk around with since I’m not much of a top. I take turns, I’m not selfish, but also it’s just not my usual thing. But anyway, seems silly to delete something that is on a Rolling Stones album cover.

Anyway, the dogs are fine. I’ve been using that dog corrector spray can when they bark too much and it really works. I haven’t had to use it a LOT, but the times I have they definitely shut up. So that’s good. The neighbours will be happier.

I’ve got leftovers for dinner today. But I need to go through my freezer at some point and throw out all the freezer burned meat so I can put in fresh meat (to hopefully not freezer burn). Lol so boring!

I’ve stopped going to the food bank, partially because I missed my last appointment, but also because my money situation is better. Also I kept getting rice and spaghetti and that’s nice and all but I couldn’t eat it all in two weeks, so I was starting to end up with too many staples. PLUS the food I get at the store is more specific to what I actually like eating. I know it’s a privilege to be able to leave the food bank behind, but also I’m really glad it was there for me this winter/spring.

Interview in Public Parking Publication, and thoughts!

Hey all! I have an interview right now in Public Parking Publication. Have a look!
“I like to think there are alternatives”: in conversation with Theo Jean Cuthand

I think it turned out pretty good!

Anyway, not many thoughts today. I got my new Status Card with my real name and gender on it. For the purposes of reality I just call my current name and gender my real name and gender since I was always heading this way eventually and I feel more me now. Other thoughts is that raising a puppy is HARD! I did not realize how difficult it would be until he was home. But also he’s this sweet adorable guy and I’m really in love with him. Some things that are totally connected to love are HARD. But worth it I guess. At this exact moment he is trying to dismantle the couch cushions. But I love him.

I have a work day today but today it’s creative work so I am looking forward to that. No meetings or deadlines today. But I was hoping to edit two videos. One is very close to being done, I just gotta finish it. The other one needs a breakthrough, BUT ALSO the breakthrough might come when I edit it more.

Anyway have a great Tuesday!

UPDATED image after doing a lot of change

I’ve been driving myself crazy trying to find the featured image that was coming up with all my blog posts, because the image was an OLD pic of me, that isn’t representative anymore since I lost weight, continued testosterone, and started shaving my head. So I went looking through like, EVERYTHING on my dashboard and finally today found where the image is coming from (Yoast SEO plug in). So now when my site comes up places I will feel more myself. Which is good!

I still have to go to the credit bureaus to update my name, and it’s a pain in the ass but I guess would help if I ever want to get a loan or mortgage. I’m making enough money in the next year that I don’t think I’ll need a loan though, but I am not making enough that I would get a mortgage either. I’m in a comfortable spot out of poverty later this year. But I should do that paperwork still. I need to call CRA business accounts and update my HST number though, etc. I also don’t know if I need to update my CAVCO number/code/whatever, even with a different name the code would still work because it’s my first initial and part of my last name, which didn’t really change when I changed my name. It’s all such a pain in the ass, how many government/corporate/non-profit/political databases am I in? At least Jagmeet Singh updated my name in the NDP database. Or not really him, it was a staffer. But still a relief to not be deadnamed by the party I usually vote for.

I also updated my lil website icon! I put the Carmilla fangs in there.

I have so much work to do this summer. BUT today I am going to see the Pixies/Modest Mouse/Cat Power, my friends gave me their tickets and my stalwart concert friend is coming with me! So I’m excited to get out to a concert. Another friend invited me to the Melissa Etheridge concert in Saskatoon so I got tickets for that since that’s the week I will be there. ALSO we have Missy Elliot tickets for near the end of summer. So it’s great, I love live music. The Melissa Etheridge concert will be hilarious for me I think because it’s such a lesbian event, and also because I think I only ever had one of her CD’s and wasn’t super fanned out about her. But Jewel is also playing that day and I think I still listen to a couple of her songs, or they are on my iPhone anyway. OH MY GOD that song Pieces of Me kind of makes me laugh though. Like when she’s talking about all these oppressed people and there’s that one line that’s just “FAAAAAAGOT, FAAAAAAGOT” ha ha ha. Maybe I’m misremembering it, I always skip that song ha ha even though that line is funny. She’s probably changed the lyrics now. Maybe she made it more relatable by saying “TR@NNY, TR@NNY!” I mean I don’t know lol. Cringe ha ha but also funny cringe still just ends up being funny.

I read my own tarot cards last night about my career and got a ton of pentacles. Six of Pentacles, Ace of pentacles, Nine of Pentacles, TEN of Pentacles. So many, and the good pentacles too, not the five which always makes me worry. I also got the tower, the queen of cups, and the Numinous which is interesting. It is weird though because the tower was followed by a ten of pentacles which makes me think it’s not a bad tower. Maybe a redirecting tower.

I have felt that my life is some kind of pinball machine right now. I know everyone’s like “You should have a five year plan” and I’ve been lucky to have even a three year plan. But the thing is funding changes my life plans so much. And it’s not a bad thing, sometimes there’s just not the right people on the jury, or there’s not enough money, or I don’t know, maybe the universe has other plans. I can already see two good reasons why this one funding thing didn’t come through this year that actually have nothing to do with the project but more to do with my hoped for life plans and another member of the team’s current life plans. It doesn’t mean it won’t happen, it’s just like, maybe this year isn’t the right year and the universe knew that. Like I still want to get meta, and if this funding had come through I would have to delay that two years, but now maybe I can do it next year. And it’s a bit of a longer healing period, so it would put me out of commission a little bit. But if I did it next summer I could save up enough for the travel and accommodations near a surgeon in the US. So that’s potentially an increase in life quality that comes from delaying this big project. Like maybe that’s toxic positivity or something, but no I really think it’s kind of a relief. We were hoping to do this project last year but since we didn’t I was able to get top surgery. So in a way things are working out. Very weird. ALSO maybe I could get a hysterectomy, I’m putting it off but this fibroid is a pain and causes me to pee soooooooo much. It’s the size of an orange and yeah, I HATE IT. I thought I would be fine just getting my tubes out, but I do want this fibroid to fuck off for good.

Anyway, I dunno. Events in the spring WERE dramatic, but essentially I had hoped to get the bullying out into the open, which worked. I don’t know if that strategy is good but at least it’s very public that this behaviour is happening. Which is better than just getting abusive emails and not knowing what to do with them. It’s still pretty sketchy with posts that I know my harasser will make any time there is publicity about me. But also now that it’s an established pattern I know what to expect. We all know what to expect.