I’ve not been on Grindr very much recently. I have some regular lovers I see frequently so I’m not really looking that often, PLUS I am busy with projects. Yesterday Inside Out started, so I went to go see My Brother’s Killer today which was sad, but ultimately had a really solid ending. It’s a documentary about a young gay adult film performer who was murdered in LA and covers the whole search for his killer. In the Q&A someone asked how the filmmaker funded it and she said it was mainly volunteer work. People just really cared about the project. She also got the rights for two famous queer dance songs by writing to the artists and explaining the project. Amazing!

It seems that is what we are going to have to do now, make films with volunteer labour. I hate not paying people. That’s probably why I just turned to writing a book instead. Also some of my ideas are big budget ideas, and it’s just looking very dubious that anyone is going to want to support any of those larger projects.

I wanted to make a tv show about my ancestors and all the things that happened when we were being colonized and put on reserves. There’s some really intense oral history I know of, including the battle my great great Grandfather was the war chief for, the first time the Cree got smallpox, what my great grandfather was doing when he was a Cree refugee in Montana and joined a wild west show that disbanded in Chicago. And how he used a jigger on the rails to get back to Canada. I don’t know that project has been frustrating because I’ve pitched it twice in applications and no one had any interest in it. It’s also kind of driving me nuts because I feel like Canada needs to face the facts of what was happening when we were being terrorized and colonized. Like, that battle my great grandfather was War Chief for? I think the Canadian soldiers who attacked us were planning a massacre. My family would not be here if he hadn’t had such a good battle plan. And Poundmaker gets all the attention for that battle because of his diplomacy. But he was the peace chief so that was his role, my great great grandfather Mistatimwas was the war chief who made battle decisions until he was shot and wounded with a gatling gun. SO yeah ha ha omg I have this whole family history and I don’t know what to do with it. My mom and uncles and auntie are getting older, one has a serious cancer, they surely have stories I haven’t heard that they will take with them. I’m starting to think about making it into a book after this book because I’m just tired of the run around with tv people who don’t want to make something like that, and the fact that I think that particular series of family stories need to be told before we’re all gone and no one knows what the fuck happened to the Cree.

I just know these stories aren’t getting the respect and care they need to actually become things in the world. So making a book is the next best thing. At least then these stories would stay when I’m dead.

I’m thinking a lot about what I am leaving behind when I’m dead and there’s at least three major projects I want to finish before I pass away. I feel like a life support system for stories and history and it is a lot to carry and after I get them in the world maybe I won’t be so nervous about life. And I’m sure people would be like oh but you’re young. Young? I’ll be 50 in two years. And a woman got hit by a truck and died just on the corner down the street, so I know there’s always that chance something could happen. And then there’s also this anxiety that I’ll die violently in a hate motivated crime. No one can tell me that doesn’t happen. I am open on Grindr that I am trans so one bad actor sniffing around there could potentially get me one day. I’m really careful about meeting people but you never know.

ANYWAY I know I’m not getting funded for my epic projects right now with people bowing to fascists, so for now they have to be epic books. And I’m doing good on my writing! I’ve worked for two weeks and I am close to hitting my 25,000 words this weekend. I had no time to write today because I saw two films, but tomorrow is for writing and maybe having a hookup with someone I’ve met before. So I am sure I will make my goal. At this rate I should hit 50,000 words in two weeks. And that’s my goal for this first draft. I think it will get longer when I go in and do the second draft because the action was unfolding way too fast in this draft and there’s A LOT that happens, but I need to be more descriptive. I don’t think I’ve even described what my main characters look like, so there’s a lot of holes right now. I also need to be more clear about names of places etc. BUT it’s still a really good start and I am enjoying writing it, which is funny because it’s such a heavy story.

I think it’s that I know someone not in this physical world gave me this story and I had to think about it for so long and do so much outlining that it just feels really good to finally start writing and feel like I know where it’s going. But also because when I got this story I was kind of in a trance every time I imagined it unfolding. Like watching it, like I know some parts of it come from me but some parts of it are coming from a more spiritual plane. Being told a story by a spirit is INTENSE especially when you know it’s a fictional story based in truth. And also it kind of gives me some solace to think more spiritually sensitive artists and authors are able to pick up a story from a spirit and make it in this world. It makes me hope if I am ever a wandering spirit I can come across someone who is creative and somewhat psychic and plant a seed for them to make something.

I think my main concern is that I feel like these stories are urgent and need to be in the world, and I am so tired of the film world not hearing me. I’m tired of not getting bigger budgets and then being patted on the head for always making those kooky low budget films. And really if you take away everything, it’s the story that matters more than me ever walking down a red carpet. I would rather the story be told than be struggling in another twelve years of development.

So this is why I am becoming an author. I was always writing anyway, I just never had such a clear idea for a fictional novel before. A memoir maybe but one time I tried to do my memoir and just got annoyed and quit ha ha. I write enough about my life here. But a fictional novel is very different, and reminds me of the writing I used to do when I was younger. I’ve also gotten back into reading physical books this last year, which I think gave me a leg up on getting into writing like this again. I wasn’t really reading books when I first got the idea, I was one of those people who got suckered into reading mostly on screens and the internet. But the spirit who gave me the story was very clear that it was a book. And I think based on the type of person the spirit was, it makes sense that they envisioned it as a book because that was more the medium of epic stories in their time.

And maybe if/when I finally get to the point of publishing it, someone wants to make it into a movie or limited series, I would be interested. BUT I don’t want to just assume I have to make a series out of this and then shop it around to uninterested parties until I’m dead. It’s too frustrating. I know all the limitations I have based on how marginalized I am and how parts of my identity are being persecuted right now. People don’t want to give someone like me money and I know that and this is the next best thing I can do right now.

Ugh you know this website is held up with my meager income. I do not make the money to afford this place, BUT it also gets me work. So I guess in a round about way it’s monetized, but only for other work I get. Not for these rambling posts. I wish I could say it was me being principled, but really the only other way I figured out how to monetize it was installing google ads, but I sometimes post drawings of T Dick here so it’s probably forbidden from getting money. BUT also because of that you get to read my unvarnished rambles.

Anyway whatever. I had to pay $150 for some webhost services this week which is what reminded me of it. But I pay over $1000 a year for this damn site. I didn’t want to leave it on a free WordPress site. And back when this existed on Blogger, Blogger was going to bring in rules that would censor this place so I had to export it and bring it here. So here is my own place on the internet that I pay for so I can say whatever I want.

Life is going ok. I was reminded of this book project I’ve been wanting/trying to work on for the last year. I got the idea on a train from Amsterdam to Osnabrück last year, but I had a LOT of questions that needed answers before I could write it. I wrote a 27 page short story out of it but left the ending off. Then I wrote down the timeline for it. And I kept getting more and more ideas and would just add them to the two documents I had running about the book. So after coming back from Amsterdam this last week I decided to start. So far I have written 12,957 words. One and a half pages were already written though, I just need to go over them again when I start writing again tomorrow. I was dedicating a couple of hours to it every weekday. And some days I increased my writing just because I had a lot to say. One day I wrote over 4000 words but I generally try to get in 1500 a day. I’m aiming for 50,000 words by the middle of the summer, or maybe sooner, it depends how fast I write. In paperback pages I’m at 52 pages I think, and ideally I want 200 pages. Not a super long book. But also! This is me just barfing out the story, I imagine adding a lot more description in the second draft. Plus it’s got a lot of grief in it so I need to linger on some emotional points and right now I’m just kind of zooming through it all. There’s still a lot that has to happen, but I think I might be giving away the answers too soon in this draft. Which is fine since it’s a first draft I guess, but I need to hold back more.

I’m extremely protective of this project though, to the point that I don’t want to apply for grants because I don’t want the idea to get stolen. It feels like a winning lottery ticket and I need to hang on to it while it’s in it’s little ugly baby bird phase. And coax it into being and I just don’t want what has happened to my film career to also happen to something I can write in my own free time. I don’t want to be constantly waiting for permission to tell a story. It’s really frustrated me to need to ask for money for my whole film career and always get just a little bit but never enough for the epic stuff I want to make. And then people are like why is your work so low budget? UGH because that is the budget I keep getting okay?

Anyway, in a book you don’t need a big budget to talk about massive epic things, which is why this particular project is a book and not a film.

The dogs are fine, in other news. Nothing super exciting about them, they’re adorable and fine and Todd is getting less aggressive to Posey and that’s always a good thing because we all have to co-exist in this house.

I’m going back to the gym, I went yesterday for the first time in a long time. I’m thinking about quitting smoking weed again too. I was doing pretty good when I wasn’t smoking it, I was doing ok. And then I guess I just wanted to have shorter periods of being high, because edibles get you high for way too long. But with smoking it’s usually back to normal for me after an hour. But the reason I want to quit is because I know I need to be better to my body. Especially if I want to outlive the fascists to the point when people will give me money to make films again. I just need to live long enough to make stuff! I’m having trouble with my diet though, I just can’t feed myself in a healthier way. I don’t know, I guess I should get more vegetables in my diet or something. I love pastries too and that’s not supposed to be good for me either. But a life deprived of pastries feels like no life at all.

I may as well include here a message that I have started consuming alcohol again. It’s been a couple of months, I have been very careful. My goal was to see if I could hit a limit and not keep going. Because that’s what got me into trouble when I used to drink, I would go way over the limit and puke all the time and not know how to stop. BUT I am happy to say I can stop now. I have not once gotten pukey. And it doesn’t feel as compulsive as when I used to drink. At the same time I know alcohol is a carcinogen so I might end up wanting to quit again for other reasons. But moderation is going alright. I am keeping myself a lightweight too, so that’s kind of good. I don’t ever want to be drinking like, six drinks at a time again. That was not great for my body at all.

What else? I’ve been doing a lot of reading. I read almost all of Parable of the Talents on the plane coming back from Amsterdam. Then I read most of Kindred in one day. Octavia Butler is amazing. I’m reading Fledgling now which is her Vampire novel. I love the way she writes. And I think the way she approaches trauma is really interesting. She will give you this raw information about a traumatic event, but somehow the way she writes it feels respectful, even if it’s horribly violent and unsettling. I noticed that a lot of the Parable of the Sower, with all the violence against children in it. I appreciated that she didn’t just omit the violence and try to act like humanity would be better behaved in that circumstance, which is maybe what other writers would do.

It’s difficult writing trauma. I wish there was a workshop on writers working with trauma because I noticed it a lot in writing one of my features that it didn’t feel good writing these terrible things and I didn’t know what it meant for my brain that I was even thinking of these things. But then if you follow the news there are even more terrifying and evil things happening in real life. So we do have to deal with this in art and writing and film etc.
Anyway besides all that. I am glad I started reading again last summer. I didn’t read as much when I was teaching this last semester. But getting back into it makes me feel good. Especially deciding not to read on my iPad, I think having a physical book in my hand feels a lot better to me. Reading words on a page is a very specific act compared to reading on a screen. Also doing music has taken a large space in my life that I think opened up creative forces that I wasn’t tapped into before.

This weekend Cris Derksen died and while we didn’t spend much time together I would see her out and about. I think the last time I saw her she was performing with Tanya Tagaq here in Toronto. She was three years younger than I am. So definitely in my age group. While it’s been sad to see someone so talented and with such a bright soul pass, it has been nice to see how many people were touched by her work while she was here. At the same time while I know sometimes people say there’s a reason or whatever, I think really sometimes life is just unfair and things happen that shouldn’t have happened. I hope her wife recovers from her injuries. It’s really brought out how fragile life is here. And we don’t know when people will leave.

I think I’ve been angry about a lot of things and it’s difficult for me to deal with. Being in an Airbnb in a Nordic country in the late spring that doesn’t have blackout curtains also didn’t help. I was so sleep deprived by the early sunrise. Waking up every day between 5 and 6, nightmare.
I notice I always feel better with food and sleep. I also did a bad job feeding myself on time. Aw it really sounds like baby needs a bottle, but it’s true, being hungry puts me in a terrible mood.
I did get to show parts of some new stuff, like my transition video, and part of Unsettled Climate, and the beginning of POOR. But it also ended up making me angry too because a lot of that stuff was not properly funded.
There is some noise finally on social media about how established artists are not being funded anymore. And especially mid career artists. Also I think 7a*11d not getting its funding because of a technicality has opened the floodgates for people who are not happy with Canada Council and the ways it is failing the arts community. I don’t know if it’s that they don’t have enough money or if juries just don’t care about mid career artists anymore. Money seems to go to emerging and late career artists and not much in between. But also on my part it feels very transphobic because I didn’t have so many difficulties being funded until I came out as a trans man and started making work about trans people specifically. Like what other conclusions am I supposed to take from this?
It started with not getting travel grants anymore. I applied for one to go to BFI London with my video about being a trans man on PrEP, and Canada Council refused to fund it. Even though BFI London is a very prestigious festival. The next travel grant I applied for was to go to the European Media Arts Festival with my experimental video about my transition. Again, a refusal. Even though the European Media Arts Festival is also extremely prestigious in the experimental video and film world, and I was one of only a very tiny number of Canadians in the International Competition (like maybe the only one?). It’s since continued in a refusal to fund any project grants. I am expecting my next refusal in August.
I do feel it’s going to be a number of years until I’m properly funded again. And that pisses me off because I am 48, not a young pup who has my whole life to wait around. The clock is ticking and I need to be super careful to take care of my health so that I can make the work I want to make. Also because people have been so cavalier about why I must not be getting funded, that my grant writing skills suck despite the fact I’ve been able to land so many grants until the last two or three years. It’s offensive honestly.
Ah and there I am getting angry again. And that’s the other thing is it feels like we’re not supposed to get angry at the funders and the juries, like we should always be grateful for even the chance to apply for a grant we won’t get.
I know there is a lot more support for cis people making art about trans people than trans people making art about trans people. It’s frustrating. It’s always the person on the outside of a marginalized community who gets the credit for speaking on our behalf. Like goddamn Gordon Downie speaking on behalf of Indigenous people and being the one they listened to, omg.
I don’t know, it’s disappointing. I think the work I’ve been doing for the last few years has been the most interesting and important of my career. But I’m discouraged. I saw someone post on Facebook that Canada Council giving people their scores has just discouraged people who shouldn’t be discouraged. And it’s true but I can’t help feeling that they are doing it on purpose. Also these juries are not really our peers, they are cross sections of the art world that are not informed about specific disciplines and yet get to make decisions about them. That really angers me because a painter just does not know how to read the budget for a film. It’s annoying.
And yeah ughhh this tarot reader I got a reading from did say I had to get a job because I won’t be supported as a filmmaker for a while. And ultimately I know that’s true, that I will probably have to keep getting teaching jobs and funding my Unsettled Climate doc that way. I just don’t think Canada Council is going to give me money for a long time. And probably the fact that part of my film is already shot will make them even less interested because I’m asking for post production money and they will probably say I should do that on my own and I don’t need to eat or pay rent. Or why don’t I have a full time job anyway when everyone else has to have one? Arg it’s just not fair and I honestly fucking hate the Canadian art scene at this point. It’s the cherry on top of never being long listed for a stupid Sobey. I mostly was funded by American gigs and those have dried up since they got their dumb fascist government.
The American government wants to kill trans people now and even put out a statement saying as much. And I guess we’re just supposed to take this because no one is coming to help us. Definitely not the Canada Council, despite us being in Canada.
I’m going to post this on my blog because I think people need to know the crisis artists are in in this country, especially trans artists. And yeah maybe some other trans artists might be getting funding. But Indigenous trans artists? It’s very difficult. Indigenous people are supposed to be cis and heterosexual, even some Indigenous people believe that. I think people just find it too niche and uninteresting. But also it’s just infuriating to be turned down SO MUCH and still have to act like we all have a fair shot at arts funding. We do not, there is discrimination in arts juries. And I don’t know how that could ever be overcome honestly. They have priority groups but I don’t think that counts, especially considering I am in a LOT of the priority groups and still don’t get funded. And yeah I guess I’m supposed to believe the best about people but I just don’t. Not after all I have seen. Not after watching my career hit a rough patch at the same time I’ve transitioned. It’s too suspicious. And climate change is, I think, one of the most urgent issues of our time, which incidentally is why I have been so anti AI. But that doesn’t inspire juries, especially when it’s looking at how climate change impacts trans people, who honestly aren’t cared for the same as cis people. It’s why the American government can even put out a notice literally saying they will kill us and it barely makes the news. We’re on our own out here. No one is coming to save us or give us arts grants.

I did some major edits and got my script/diaries down to 21 minutes and 15 seconds, but actually once recorded and edited down (just silences and flubs) it was only 15 minutes. I decided to make a song for it, so I finally experimented with Logic Pro. I got it a while back and I used my Juno DS61 and my Telecaster to make a three track song. It’s got this synth thing going, a drum track from the synth, and then the guitar track. I was mostly recording stuff and then cutting out the parts that actually sounded good and putting them together. I might make more edits to it. I don’t know, but I used the pieces (stems?) in the audio track for my performance, so now there’s some musical elements. I think I might cut some of it back though. It’s a bit heavy handed now musically. Plus there’s one part I don’t think I like. BUT I still gotta get this video done for next Saturday, so I’m glad so much of it is together. I also downloaded some stock footage of shimmering light on water, so I’m going to try and do something creative with these two clips. I was showing my students all kinds of cool things you can do, and I really just need the images for the background, so it doesn’t have to be super fancy. it would be boring if this was the only footage and it was a final stand alone video. But who knows, if I like it maybe I’ll use my green screen and recreate the performance in front of it. I don’t know, it seems to say something. It’s funny because it’s all about my gender and coming to terms with it, but it ends when I get my first testosterone shot. And all the exciting stuff came after that. But maybe someone struggling with their gender will see it and relate. Or maybe trans people who have been out for longer will remember all those feelings while they were trying to figure out what to do.

It’s also funny because it’s almost four years since I got on testosterone, so my performing body has already had that much on T and had top surgery. I don’t know, maybe it will work. I guess! We’ll see.

I went to the witch store and got some candles, one is a white soy penis candle! So I think it will work out but I gotta do a temperature test of the other candles and see how much it’s going to hurt. I also have to time my story so I know which part to bring the knife play in. ALSO I gotta find my knife, I had a ceremonial knife I used, but I don’t remember where I put it. I might know. I have another knife which might work, but it’s more of a native ceremonial knife that I got as a 12 year old so I don’t want it to get confiscated at some point. Anyway, we’ll see I guess!

I’m real tired. Aside from that, I did manage to finish the polish on my feature script yesterday. So tomorrow I finalize the performance video stuff, and then Monday I head to Helsinki. My performance is at 7:30pm at the Trans Library on Saturday May 9. I haven’t checked out Helsinki Grindr yet. I’m sure it’s entertaining. I also did guitar class today, so that was fun. I am learning a bunch of new chords and they are all difficult! I mean, to remember. There’s def more than four. I’m still getting over my cold too, but I think I’m getting better. Last night I could sleep without being bothered by my stuffy nose, which was an improvement.

When I’m back from Helsinki I have to work on my climate doc, and after that I am working on my book and my other script. I want to get that script done by the end of the summer, and the book, well I just want to have a nice chunk of it done.

I do really love doing my career. Like it’s just an enjoyable thing, to be a creative person. I am thinking of applying to more teaching jobs though, just because it was nice to have a consistent income for a while. It did take a lot of time from my practice though. BUT also I did manage to finish a film during the semester so I can’t say it was impossible to make stuff. Either way I need more money all the time. And I guess also I am out of semi-retirement since I’m making stuff again. So retirement over? Ugh, I just want to be paid what I am worth and for art stuff I still often get underpaid or plain ripped off.

I’m done all my grading and the grades are submitted, so I am working on my script polish and reading these old diaries of mine for gender clues. I did find some. Some have none at all but I still read the entire thing just in case and I was discovering A LOT about my old self. I also read a whole diary about a frenemy I let get close to me who basically bullied me through our whole friendship. When Facebook came around we were briefly friends again until they were trying to tell me war is bad because I mentioned something about my Great Great Grandfather Mistatimwas being a War Chief at the Battle of Cutknife Hill. And basically, if he hadn’t been a War Chief our family would have been yet another massacred by the government, and I wouldn’t be here at all. So I unfriended them, so annoying, like oh you’re being violently colonized and your community could all die, but for Godssakes don’t fight back because that’s violence and that’s not okay. Please die peacefully. It would be better if you had. UGH. But reading this old diary I also found all these other ways they were a terrible person. Like my newly ex girlfriend and I went to their show and they made us get on stage and then said something about our “Doomed relationship” while we went back to our seats. If they were still id’ing as a girl I would call it mean girl energy. Anyway though, I realized they were just a bully in general reading these old diaries. And that most of my conflict with that particular community centred on this one person.

I also realized I was rejecting people A LOT. Like I have this whole story about feeling like a loser and always being rejected. But I probably rejected more people than people rejecting me. Or I would like someone a lot but oh they didn’t call back on such and such day so fuck them! Like dramatic, but also part of that was probably my undiagnosed bipolar disorder, and the other was probably this more unconscious part that wanted to be a man with men than a woman with women. So I pushed people away, or didn’t notice romantic invitations from women on purpose. And also I kept writing about like, how fucking many people would stare at me on the street or follow me or ask for my number. Like one time I was walking down the street and this guy in a sports car jumped out and came up to talk to me and gave me his number. But I was trying to be a lesbian so I never called him back. BUT people were chasing me in this way I never really like, followed up on. I once told the aforementioned bully about how people kept staring at me and they were like “It’s your hair.” Because I had coloured hair at the time. But one time I chopped it all off and the stares continued. To be honest I think that person just told me it was my hair because they were a bully. Because I was definitely attracting people and still attract people.

Anyway I also felt at times that I wished I could go back and talk to myself when I was younger, like to not be so hard on myself and not let people push me around and to see more clearly what was going on, not always with a negative view of things. It’s wild going back to those old diaries. I do feel like I turned into a better person than I was too. I’m a lot less judgemental, a lot kinder to myself, gentler with others too I think. I also have strict boundaries around being bullied and who I allow into my space vs who I don’t allow. Like cutting all those people off by blocking them two years ago was probably the healthiest thing I’ve done for myself. I just have no need to allow violence in, even if it’s people liking a post bullying and slandering me. Why should give any of them another chance when they never gave me a chance? Forget it. But that’s something I might have allowed in my younger years. I’m just not that person anymore.

Anyway my birthday was kind of a bust. Not totally. I had a lot of sex in the lead up to my birthday, four guys in three days! Two at a different bathhouse than I usually go to. I also did karaoke with some coworkers on Thursday. But my actual birthday I woke up feeling sick and gross and so I had to cancel everything. Probably got the cold at karaoke or the bathhouse. Anyway, I’ve been staying home since then working on getting better. And reading these diaries. I still got a birthday cake the day before my birthday, and also made a pot of chili so I had food on my birthday. I’m going to Helsinki next week so that will probably be my real birthday stuff.

I was telling my therapist this morning about all the things I realized about my younger self by reading my diaries. She was helping me unpack it all. I still have more diaries to go through, but yeah it’s a lot reading stuff written back then. I was so miserable. I really needed to transition but I also wanted to fuck queer men and I think I was too scared of HIV to go the whole way. I read a passage from the 90’s of a queer friend telling me most of the men they knew who were still virgins were virgins because they were scared of AIDS. Like, that honestly did traumatize a lot of queer men, including myself. We saw all that shit happening in the 80s and 90s. I came of age when people still died of AIDS, just on the cusp of the antiretroviral medications coming out. And even after that, it was still terrifying. I know there are people still dying. But there are some who are fortunate to have medications that work now. And PrEP exists. And I made a film about how I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I came out as a queer trans man after PrEP had been around for a while. It’s kind of wild to see that I had the same kind of living through AIDS trauma that a lot of queer men had, to the point I held on to trying to be a lesbian for so long to avoid it.

I read once about how there’s a famous gay man who is older and won’t get a partner because he is still terrified of AIDS. Even with the medications we have now. It’s kind of sad. Younger men are fortunate to not have to worry so much. And also it scares me because I know they just have to restrict access to those medications to start the whole awful trauma of living through AIDS again. Wild times!

Anyway I will probably not write again until I’m in Helsinki next week, or afterwards. I don’t write while traveling often, because I am too busy doing things. I’m doing a performance at the Trans Library with this video component based on these diary entries. I feel disappointed that the older diaries don’t have a ton of gender clues. They are there now and then. But really brief things like “This shit happened in my dream and my wife was there (also I was a man)” like really brief asides like that. I feel like I just wasn’t ready I guess. I was reading about trans stuff though. Like when I look back with my memories I remember being VERY curious about gender and transitioning. But it’s not as obvious in these particular diaries I guess. I have way more to go through though.

This is the lead up to my birthday. I’m turning 48 this weekend and I’m going with some friends to sing karaoke. It will be fun. I’ve also been practicing Life on Mars, which has two high notes that I CAN hit, an improvement from Goodbye Yellow Brick Road which I don’t think I was able to hit the high notes. It is a very weird feeling to go up that high. BUT I was measuring the pitch and recording it while singing and I generally am getting more consistent with the high notes in most of the chorus. Mars is still the high note I can’t quite reach. I’m SO CLOSE to it, A4 and the high note is Bb4. I just need to tip myself over a little bit and be able to sustain it. It’s crazy, singing is like running hurdles or something. Or for that song in particular.

I am steadily getting work done. I marked most of my stuff and now it’s just the late assignments in one class that I have to mark, hoping to finish those tomorrow. I got my grades in the other class approved, so I don’t have to do anything with that class anymore. Unless they offer it again and let me teach it. But yeah I’m glad the teaching stuff is wrapping up. I’ve got more time in my schedule for other work. This weekend I am going to work on a script that is due early May. And I also have to continue scanning diaries for snippets of things.

I was scanning one diary and realized some spirit kept talking to me in my mom’s house for a while. I don’t know who it was though. There’s this feminine spirit that I am sure is not related to me but I do sort of get messages from her. She was really upset with someone I was kind of seeing, but like I do not know who she is. Maybe some guide or something. Or a spirit who followed me at some point I don’t know. But I found it interesting that this old diary from 2006 had messages from another feminine spirit, is it the same one? If I was a spirit I would follow people maybe. Although I do like staying home, but I don’t know if I accept the idea of being tied to a house forever. Maybe it’s just a spirit who likes following me and wants things a particular way. The ghost roommate.

I was talking to my Auntie Lori today on the phone and decided to declutter some wires in the corner of my living room and I discovered there were all these A/C chargers that were plugged in but charging NOTHING!!!! Like I unplugged one end but not the other I guess. The corner is a lot cleaner anyway, I also found a curtain rod that I should have thrown out but I guess I just put it in the corner? I’m on a bit of a spring clean kick I guess, in free moments of the day. I put together my new tv stand last night and it’s a million times better than the old one. ALSO it makes the uranium glass look nicer. I need to find my velcro and see if I can attach the light to the top of my stand to light up my uranium glass without burning into my retinas.

Ha ha holy ADHD. I just got up and found some industrial adhesive and velcro so I could put my light up. I’m not sure it will work. It might! I guess we’ll find out tomorrow when the glue is dry.

I didn’t do keyboard OR guitar practice today, but theoretically I could do it now if I used headphones. Ugh but I would rather not because I’m also super tired. I got something off my plate today though so I should be happy.

I have finished POOR entirely! It is at Vtape if you are interested, or you can message me for screeners if you might want to program it. It’s not experimental. Just so you know, I know everyone thinks that’s all I do but it isn’t! I also do dramas and comedies. Anyway whatever, the point is I managed to finish that film this semester so it kind of goes against my theory that you can’t make art and teach at the same time. I am still looking forward to this break though until whenever I decide to teach again. I have some travel this summer and other projects to do.

I guess I should write something about my birthday. I don’t know, 48 is a nice number, 4 is half of 8. It’s an even number. I’ll be 50 in two years and will probably want to do something much fancier, but this year my only goals are to sing karaoke, eat cake, and go to the cherry blossoms. Should I make a goal for myself? I feel like I am always doing that with my career. Maybe I need a personal goal I don’t tell anyone about. ACTUALLY there is a sex thing I want to finally do this year so probably I will work towards that ha ha. You can just try to imagine what it is and then ask and I won’t tell you unless I think you might be of assistance. In more serious life stuff I need to be going to the gym again because my cholesterol sucks and my blood sugar is like, pre diabetic? Pre PRE diabetic? I keep walking this very thin line and honestly I had a lot of candy the last while. I was eating Twizzlers like nobody’s business, AND Sweet Tarts which are basically just pressed sugar.

I finished my semester. Did a bunch of grading today. I just have one assignment left to grade and then any late submissions. So I am on top of it all and relieved. My film is almost done with the sound, I got a copy of it today that I still need to watch before bed. But if all sounds good then basically POOR is done! So that is very exciting, I’m hoping this week I can take it to my distributor. I submitted it a few places but need to do some more.

What else is going on? Keyboard class was cool, I am learning basic technique and how to tell where the notes are on the keyboard. So that’s cool. In singing classes I am working on Your Song by Elton John, but I am also trying to learn Life on Mars by Bowie which is also super fun to sing. My voice fits with Your Song really well though. Of the two I am going to perform one at my recital so I need to decide which one. In guitar I am learning I Love Rock and Roll which has been super fun, also working on Call Me by Blondie. Which is also fun but like, A TON of power chords. Like almost all power chords.

My projects are going well. I have a lot on my plate but basically I’m still going through them to get stuff done. I’m glad POOR is done. I am really ready to put it out there. I showed a lot of friends the film when I was working on it, but now it’s actually really done. Or will be very soon! I have to make a video exploring my gender clues in my diaries from childhood to now, which is going to need a big deep dive. I’m sure I will discover things about past me that don’t fit the me I am now, because I noticed that last time I made a video like this going through my diaries for mentions of love. But I haven’t sought out gender clues before. It’s for a performance in Helsinki I’m calling Gender Shimmering because I remember a time early in my transition that I went out for drinks with another trans dude early in his transition and I could see his gender shimmer back and forth, sometimes looking slightly feminine and then other times being so clearly a man. So I think that’s sort of a state I lived in for a long time before transitioning.

Anyway I also have this climate doc to finish but I’m giving myself another year of editing for that. And my last ditch attempts at getting it funded. I don’t know what is going on with it, if people don’t have faith in me as an artist, or if people just don’t think trans people and climate change is particularly important or interesting. It’s been frustrating though. I did get some funds but not enough. So yeah I don’t know, it’s very frustrating, I don’t think we are being adequately funded at large and I think the Liberal government we have is basically the Conservatives Lite delivering austerity because rich people love that shit. It’s not austerity for them after all, they aren’t losing money.

I am having fun with music stuff and thinking of dressing more rock star when I do recitals. I have a ton of leather and shit. I even have leather pants! I could be the dreamy rock god ha ha.

I’m still very much a beginner though. But I am using the drum machine on my loop pedal to try to strum in time with. It’s better, I am actually able to do it pretty good. I think learning in a slower speed to begin with is still the best though. But yeah I am able to strum at the right beat! I’m impressed.

I have to remind people I came into this not knowing ANYTHING about music. I pretended to play saxophone in band class in elementary school and then quit because I guess I just didn’t want to be a sax player. But guitar is fun. And yeah I didn’t even really know how to strum at all when I bought my first guitar Stanley. I don’t have a name for my telecaster yet, but that’s only been in my life for a year. But I think I was a bit frustrated with my telecaster until I got a real set up for it with Long & McQuade. It had a buzz but I don’t notice it anymore.

Anyway blah blah blah. The point is I survived the semester, my film is SO CLOSE to being done, I have two more films I gotta finish/get shipshape by May/June. And I also have to do some last edits on my script before it goes back to my producers at the end of April/Early May. So there’s a ton of deadlines but I really did get so much done today and I’m relieved. I am in a much better position for getting ready to put my marks in later this month. I am doing some work tomorrow with filmmakers in a workshop about their project. And then I am getting a massage, and then later is my singing class. I’m thinking of asking to change the time again, I go in at 8:30pm for this class and it’s LATE, but was the only way it would fit my schedule. But my schedule has opened up again.

Here I am again. I’m busy with a lot of things. I am finishing a rewrite on a script this weekend and also marking students projects and papers. It’s my two tasks. Today I got my quota of student projects marked. I have some marks I need to put in that have already been marked but on my notes app in my iPad. It’s almost the end of the semester. Next week is the last week for Indigenous Cinema and the week after is the last week in Video Art Production. So it will come to an end and I’m trying to gather short term jobs over the summer and maybe beyond. I have a plane ticket to go to Saskatoon in July. I bought it when I had money a little while ago because I knew the gas prices were going up and plane tickets would get more expensive. I used points but it was a lot more points than usual. But at least I have the chance to see my family this summer. My relative is having health issues and I would like to see everyone again. I need to visit my Auntie Beth too and I don’t know how to do that. We were doing zooms for a while but I guess I’ve been too busy to visit her. And zooms aren’t the same thing.

I have been sick all week. I got a little cough and then it was at its worst on Wednesday and I had to zoom into work. I felt SO SICK. And then basically every day since then has been a little bit better. I don’t know where my COVID tests are either. There’s a games day my co-op is doing today that I was supposed to help with but I don’t want to infect all the children and adults at the co-op. So I’m staying in with my dogs blowing my nose.

I am getting a lot of work done though which is good. I have met with the sound designer/mixer and she is working on POOR starting today. She said I exported the files perfectly which was good to hear because I’ve never made AAF files for a sound person before. Actually even though I didn’t get paid to edit my film, it did teach me a lot of things about editing dramatic shorts. Probably comedic shorts too. I think it might be fun for me to try and get some editing work so if anyone has any please let me know. I have Premiere Pro and am starting to learn DaVinci. Although I still love Premiere just because I know how to use it.

I submitted it to some festivals and I’m just going to see what happens with that. I think it will get programmed somewhere hopefully. It’s kind of a hard piece. But also this morning I got up super early to present in the Disabled Legacies panel at the Paul Mellon Centre and watched three really emotionally difficult films I made about madness (Anhedonia, Madness in Four Actions, and Love & Numbers) and realized I’ve made really hard work before and it does find the people who are interested. I think Anhedonia was the most difficult film for me to make because I was having a massive depression, tension at school, and also it just brought up a lot of emotions I was trying to process while finishing a program. It’s interesting to make a film so deep within the feeling of depression and then to make another film about sort of the same themes but as a drama. Most of my mental health films have been experimental. Videos, they are videos although Anhedonia was shot on 16mm. Anyway I can’t spoil exactly what my film is about.

Ugh I have to get a poster made. I don’t know. Do I want to cheap out and make it myself? I did make some of the graphics for the call centre office. I think the image of me typing my username into the porn sharing site makes a good explanatory image. But also there’s an image of me looking anxiously up the stairs that is kind of calling me. Ahh. But anyway I should think about that next month.

I am starting keyboard lessons next month. Tuesdays! Which will make singing lessons on Mondays, Keyboard lessons on Tuesdays, and Guitar lessons on Saturdays. A lot! I am aware that is a lot to be learning but I’m only taking the keyboard lessons for two months. I just want enough to be able to play around with it. But who knows maybe I will want to spend more time learning it after 8 weeks. I feel like it’s going to finally help me truly understand music theory which I have had difficulties with. I think learning guitar and then music theory is harder than keyboard and music theory. But who knows. It’s also hopefully going to feedback into helping me learn singing. My singing teacher can listen to a song and then just find the exact notes and play it on the keyboard and I’m just like wow a miracle I could never! I’m still learning.

The next film I need to pay attention to is Unsettled Climate. I need a cut for June as part of my residency so I’ll be working on that outside of writing duties and obviously marking assignments for the next little while. I interviewed a climate data scientist who is also transgender and we had this amazing conversation. It is going to be really hard to only use small clips of all these brilliant people. I did end up writing another grant. I’m trying to learn not to feel so hurt about rejection. But it would be a long time since I got a grant from Canada Council that wasn’t travel. So yeah boo ha ha ha fuck.

I read somewhere that Monty Python and the Holy Grail was funded by some rockstars who needed a big tax write off. That is what I need, some obscenely wealthy celebrity who needs to help lower their taxes by donating me a huge bucket of cash to make something. Why is this so hard to find? I was talking to people about privately soliciting funding for my practice, but this friend told me you have to ask a rich person five times for money before they will give it to you. And I was like, fuck, FIVE TIMES!? That’s like some kind of fae rule. But also maybe the wealthy scare me. I mean not like I am never around them, if you’re in the arts there’s often some incredibly wealthy donor at gallery events and stuff. But those billionaires who keep making rocket ships and shit, those guys scare me. Especially with the files coming out. Like this is nuts, that level of wealth is so unhealthy for everyone.

Anyway blah blah blah.

I hope no one tries to preserve my brain after I die. Isn’t Einstein’s brain in a jar or something? Let the man decay, he did enough!

My film POOR got colour graded so I am happy to show some stills from it. I did a lot of work! My friend Yuma Hester did the colour correction and showed me enough that I was able to apply the grades to a couple shots that didn’t get graded because they were on a different timeline. I also fixed some sizing issues. I’m pretty stoked that it’s SO MUCH CLOSER to being done. I think I have added all the credits I needed to add. I fixed someone’s name. It’s got to go to the sound designer next week and then it’s finished. So I am happy about that.

It just looks really nice now. I was wanting to see what it would really look like for so long and now I know and yeah. It’s a good feeling to be close to finished with this film. It took so much work and most was unpaid for me. Especially the post production since my grant for it got rejected. I think it’s an important film but yeah I could only convince a few people who had money decisions to make about me.

Anyway I’m staying in this weekend marking projects and listening to tunes and playing guitar. I’ve been learning how to play I Love Rock and Roll and the B is a power chord B. Which has been tricky for me, but I am getting better at landing on a power chord while doing a progression. I’ve been practicing Call Me and it’s the guitar that does all the power chords, so I am learning how to land on them up and down the fretboard better than before.

On Sunday my electric guitar got all busted and sad so I had to take it to Long & McQuade in Scarborough because they were faster, and I got it back on Thursday. So it’s all shiny and fixed. I’ve been noticing the strings are still stretching a bit because they aren’t holding a tune for hours after playing. So that’s ok it just happens. I think my Martin needs to be restrung soon. Maybe next month, I did put it away for a while.

Anyway I better go see if I can get into the laundry room.

My real diary hasn’t gotten many entries this semester as I’m usually too tired on the days I am working, and I close my diary on my computer all the time I’m working too so that my students don’t find out rude things about my sex life they really don’t need to know. It’s kind of weird having a computer that is routinely hooked up to a projector. All kinds of personal things are on my computer! Anyway so far so good.

I’m really looking forward to the end of the semester, as are my students.

I feel like there’s so many things I want to do and I need to work on my priorities. Like making music has been fun, and so has making films, and teaching has been fun and so is writing. But sometimes I get anxious about how much time I actually have to pursue my interests.

Also! I have discovered that except for going on Grindr and Scruff to find hookups, I really haven’t been doing fuck all in terms of looking for an actual partner. Also I’ve discovered my desire has changed and I think I want to be with a man as a partner. Although sometimes I meet women that I have massive crushes on. So it’s a bit of confused bisexual times over here. But also I’ve discovered that I’m having difficulty letting myself love men, I think just because of how much misandry was around me. Not like misandry is a structural oppressive system it’s just a whatever thing. But it is oppressing my heart and I think probably my own self esteem to boot. I know my parental figure doesn’t think there’s anything to like about men, so it’s been hard for me to grow up liking myself knowing I was likely a boy/man. I just felt it was easier to say boys are assholes. And some are but not all and I’ve never really aspired to toxic masculinity. But that’s a type of masculinity, I like to think I have a more gentle masculinity. Gentle not feminine. I don’t know, I just know I’ve been around a lot of people one could call man haters and it’s really fucked over my sense of self. Maybe if I was more obviously a boy growing up I would have bonded with men more.

I feel pretty solid in terms of my relationships with other trans men. I have trans men I’ve been friends with for years and never felt that they were toxic or anything. There’s some kind of barrier for me with cis men though and I’m not sure what it is.

One issue I’ve noticed is that some guys on Grindr don’t recognize my gender, they only recognize my genitals, and that’s annoying as hell. Even as a bottom I feel like a man and not a woman when I’m having sex. So yeah, less of that. Another thing I have noticed is I just don’t have a gay male friend group. I have queer men who are friends, but not queer men who will go to the bar with me.

I went to a gay bar on the weekend and I felt kind of out of place. But I also feel out of place at women and trans nights. So I’m trying to figure out how to acclimatize to queer mens spaces because those are where I find the sexy guys. BUT ALSO I want to be open to kissing some guys big beardy face and telling him I love him and I’m just not there yet. ALSO I’m watching facial hair come in at a glacial pace and some part of me feels like I would be more comfortable in mens spaces if I also had a beard. So it’s a lot of complicated things.

Anyway I gotta go teach. I love making stuff but also falling in love has been a nice feeling in the past and I kind of miss it. I’m learning to sing Your Song by Elton John but I have no one to sing it to.