I am done my final report for the Toronto Art Council on my production grant for POOR. So that’s a good feeling. This means I should be able to submit another application for post production of POOR. I’m looking forward to it! I am starting to get some people together to help me out. I’m just so glad I was able to submit this.

And the footage looks amazing! It still needs a lot of editing and colour correction and sound design etc. And music. BUT it’s like, very good! And my acting didn’t suck a lot. I mean, it’s good. I feel shy about it but also I don’t look super fake or anything, like most of my takes I seem very genuine. I’m still syncing things though and I haven’t synced the last scene yet. I’m happy about the quality of the footage and the sound. There’s definitely more than enough good stuff to make a decent film. I think I’ll get used to seeing myself on screen.

I have other things to do though. I need to get back into going to the gym and reading books. I’ve gotten back into singing and guitar though, it did take a week for me to recover from the shoot so I wasn’t very active. Yesterday I walked over 10,000 steps so I’m still getting exercise. Tonight I am going to the Polaris Music Prize Gala which will be nice. I like sitting there and hearing all the nominees. I forgot to ask someone to come with me so I am going alone.

I wrote a letter to the Prime Minister today about the genocide being perpetrated by Israel on Palestinians and I doubt it will make a difference but maybe it will push the needle towards stopping these war crimes and crimes against humanity that we are complicit in. I feel like it’s too late but I know as long as there are survivors we have to fight for them to be protected finally. The west has completely failed humanity because it’s built on a racist system where justice is only for a select few, and the rest get nothing. I think also watching the United States begin to fall apart is not helping.

I was posting a lot of memes about the USA but I realized it was fucking up my algorithm and making me angry besides, so I vowed to stop reposting them for a week. Today I’ve been getting posts about hamsters which maybe isn’t as informed, BUT ALSO definitely less anger inducing. How to stay informed while also not feeding the rage algorithm? It’s ridiculous.

I’m really disappointed with the Canadian government, but also I didn’t vote for the Liberals so I feel like “I tried!” I voted NDP, and if they had gotten in again as a legit party maybe they could have pushed Carney more left. But now he’s all proud of his austerity budget and putting money into defence even though I’m dubious that he really would take a stand against Trump. I really don’t like this because this is making life more difficult for me as someone who depends on grants for projects etc. I mean, not always. But the big projects for sure. I can make stuff with no budget but I have ambitions for things right now. And he’s cutting back on the arts because he thinks that’s a luxury even though the arts is a large Industry that employs many Canadians. ALSO cutting back on International students has fucked over a lot of Universities who were depending on International student tuitions. I am concerned about the general welfare of intellectuals and artists right now.

I do have some ideas about work I can do if I don’t get these grants. I mean, a contract gig. I think I can edit videos for people, I know how to do it and have been doing it for ages. And my computer is super fast at it. So it’s an option. I’ll probably try to make a place on here for work inquiries, I’m just waiting until I get back from Lisbon and have heard about these grants. I think I’ve had imposter syndrome for a while about film work but at the same time I’ve been doing this stuff since 1995 like, it’s not something I know nothing about.

My therapist is pretty confident I will figure out a way to make a living, so that’s encouraging. I do have this artist in residence position too, I’m not completely broke forever or anything.

I found my moldavite this week. It had been in my bedroom this whole time in a bag! Last time I had it Posey almost choked me to death by getting her paw caught in my necklace. But I shortened it this time and I think it’s ok. It’s supposed to be an alien crystal because it comes from a meteor, and it’s transformative. So I checked when I got it and it was November 2020. So much has happened since then! I transitioned for one thing. I was talking with my therapist about what I’ve done in the last five years and while the five years ago me would be disappointed that some dreams didn’t come true (like having children or making my feature film) the present day me is fairly happy with the things I have done. I finally transitioned, and my ideas are really good right now, and I got teaching experience, and got to be a slut which I always wanted, and I have more skills, just more happy with myself, making music which I didn’t think I could ever do. I think I’ve learned more about what my goals are on a soul level than what my goals were on a societal level. I feel very fortunate that I’ve been able to live the kind of uncompromising life that has let me be so creative and make so much work, at a time when the world definitely needs it.

I guess some people hate me but I don’t have them in my life so it makes no difference to me. I can’t be liked by everyone. And I’m queer, trans, Indigenous, neurodivergent, and gifted in certain capacities so of course there will be people who don’t like me. There are also people who love me and love what I do and those are the people I want to concentrate on for the rest of my life. I know we are in a time of white supremacy trying to avoid becoming irrelevant so things are pretty weird right now. And I will do what I can to protect my people, and hope they do the same for me. It’s very weird trying to be a trans artist right now because some people would prefer us not to be around so they can save their own skins. I know that’s true in the United States.

So basically, my income used to come from German speaking countries and the USA (and to a lesser degree Canada). But when the genocide started in Gaza, Germany closed ranks with Israel and made it basically impossible to hire people who spoke against it, so my income dried up from there. Then Trump took over the USA and I had to stop traveling there and then also arts orgs and festivals stopped showing my work because I’m trans (except for a few!) so that income stream has dried up. So it’s me and you Canada. And I’m not sure, I really don’t know! I have three grants submitted right now and I have no idea if I will get them. I have a plan B now for income so I’m hoping if I don’t get them I can still make some money with my EXTREMELY skilled brain. I would love to make money making my own art, but if it has to be other people’s art so be it.