I’m having an argument with Todd because he needs attention. Poor baby. I do need to take him out soon so he isn’t wrong. I hate that the sun goes down so much earlier now, I don’t have as much time to take him for a walk in the cemetery unless we go out earlier because they close the gates at 5pm instead of 7pm and it’s scary to be in there as the sun sets. I know zombies aren’t going to pull themselves out of their graves, but I would still rather NOT get locked into a cemetery after dark. So we’ve gone on less fun walks recently.

I’m doing ok I guess. Still broke as fuck. I don’t know, I will have enough for rent but not much else, I need to pay some stuff like my singing lessons and therapy. I had to fire my cleaner, fire is such a mean word, I guess I let him go more than fired him because really it was for purely financial reasons. I’ve been cleaning my own place and it’s fine, just a drag because I knew it would all get a reset once a month, and I have executive dysfunction so getting it together to clean can be hard.

At the same time I had two really great energy days on Friday and Saturday this past week. I roasted a pumpkin that I originally got for halloween, and then roasted the seeds, and then made a Saskatoon pie. And then I made pumpkin soup yesterday with ginger, salt, pepper, cinnamon, onion, garlic, red pepper, and milk. And it was pretty awesome and I still have some. I had sex with a couple of guys this weekend but nothing super exciting aside from that was going on. I mostly stayed home and minded my own business and practiced my guitar and singing. I also did some more edits on my script and I THINK it’s at the point where it can go to someone else for notes, so we’ll see how that goes.

I am learning to sing and play guitar at the same time and I think I’m doing ok. It was really hard to figure out how to strum different patterns AND sing at the same time. I still think my singing and my playing are independently stronger when done separately than together, BUT I am just learning. I started with Knocking On Heaven’s Door and I got pretty good at singing and playing that, although I keep making errors in the chords because one is meant to be an A Minor and I keep sticking a C in it because in the next line that chord is a C. So I have to work on that. My guitar teacher also wants me to learn how to sing and strum with Ring Of Fire. It’s easier to learn if you sing with it because then you know when things are supposed to happen. So I am working on that too. I can sing and strum with the verse, I think the chorus will be ok too but I haven’t tried that yet. But if I can get the verse and chorus down that’s almost the whole song, and I remember the intro because that’s where my guitar does the trumpets sound. So yeah, practicing all that.

I still feel really nervous about calling myself a musician. I have a strange relationship to ambition, I can be really ambitious about my film career, but music seems like something that belongs to gods or something. Rock stars. STARS. I know I probably have star power personality wise, I do ok in interviews and panels and stuff. But I haven’t been on stage as a musician.

The recital is coming up at the beginning of December and that’s a bit terrifying. I know it will go really fast when I am up there and also everyone is nervous when they perform, especially beginners. But I’m terrified of fucking up and getting ridiculed ha ha. Which is ridiculous because no one is going to ridicule me or I hope not anyway.

At the same time I am glad I took some singing lessons this term because it’s helping me be a bit more confident about singing and playing at the same time. I don’t know that I sound amazing but I guess I sound adequate at this stage. And I did only start learning music stuff in August 2024, so it’s only been a year and three months, which is a very short span of time. I wonder how long I have to play before I can start a band? I feel like it’s better to be learning right now and not performing but at the same time I have to pop my performer cherry at some point. I’ve been recording stuff and putting it on my Instagram once in a while.

My Instagram is full of food I made, books I am reading, music stuff, I don’t know maybe dinners I am eating too if they look pretty. I also repost things but yeah it’s a quiet life here.

I sometimes wonder if the pandemic broke me and turned me into a hermit? I didn’t have the same experience during the early part of the pandemic that other people did because I live alone, and I was forbidden from seeing others by the city of Toronto, not because I had COVID or anything but because SOMEONE could have it. I understand why they wanted us home, but also I think it seriously fucked me up. I was so lonely, and now I just stay home alone out of comfort? Other people had partners, and my girlfriend dumped me at the beginning of the pandemic and no one was dating, so I didn’t date again for a while. I think I had zoom dates but those were kind of bullshit. Not the same! And then I dunno, other people were socially distancing WITH their lovers and families and I had friends who were already keeping to themselves with whoever was in their house. So I was alone for a long time.

It was a fucked up time but also I guess in some ways I just started becoming the person I wanted to be, and not who my friends and family wanted me to be. It’s probably a big reason I ended up transitioning. I had an ideal place to stay healthy in because I lived alone and also my door goes right to the outdoors, so I never had shared space except maybe going to the laundry room, where I wore a mask anyway. I’ve still only had COVID 19 twice. And both times were after the main part of the pandemic had finished, so it wasn’t as horrible of a virus when I got it as the early strains that hospitalized people.

Anyway, I guess it would be nice to have a partner but I also think that if I had a partner they would have gotten fed up of me and my career a long time ago. It doesn’t make much money, especially now. And I didn’t have an ongoing full time job for a long time. Now I am applying for teaching positions, but I think a partner probably would have pushed me to work in some really soul destroying job so we could afford to live. I guess that’s the responsible thing to do, but I don’t know. I wanted to get better at my craft by making work and that didn’t jive with a full time job.

But here I am still broke and having to find work anyway. SO I don’t know. BUT at least I don’t have a partner telling me to give up on my dreams so we can eat, I think that would crush me.