Todd likes getting in my face and I start asking him “What’s this boy want?” and usually it’s a snuggle, sometimes a walk, sometimes he’s reminding me it’s time to eat. He’s very cute.

But I was thinking it’s a good starting question for this blog in relation to myself and what this boy wants.

Well, I’m tired of depending on grants and people having me talk in their class, so I want an ongoing decent income. Not one that is project based. Because those can take so long and pay really low wages anyway, most grants they want most of it to go to the project and the living is really what I need. But yeah I just want something where I do stuff that is interesting and meaningful and pays well. And then do projects on top of that because projects pay shitty wages.

So I’m looking into being a professor, and applying to teaching jobs. I’m not sure I’ll get called for an interview, and I only applied to two full time jobs. I might have a sessional gig next semester so that’s promising. I can use the money and the experience. It’s going to be funny to be Professor Cuthand again. But I did like teaching, the only issue I had the first year of teaching is that I was commuting so it cost a lot of money to go there. So in the end I didn’t make much money off of it, BUT I did get a lot of experience and learned a lot about teaching a class. I did a lecture class and a studio class. So I can do both of those types of classes. I think I liked the lecture class better in terms of the dialogue the students got to have with each other. But I also taught a lot of video making workshops in the past and those were fun, so I know studio classes are fun too.

BUT YEAH I know I said all these things in the past about maybe not wanting to teach but I guess I am at a stage of life where it seems like it makes more sense for me. There’s not a lot of money in my film career right now and I’m not really expecting it to improve, since I am doing a lot of trans related work and people with money are weird. I am getting some money for projects it’s not nothing. But it’s not enough to live on that is for sure. So teaching seems like a better way to make a living right now. I also will have time to work on art I think, because the place I applied to for full time work really likes their profs to be doing their creative projects. So I am optimistic if I get a job there that I will be able to continue being a filmmaker and not forced to completely retire as a filmmaker.

But also just like, wow can you imagine getting a guaranteed amount of money every year? Damn.

The first time I had a chance for a lifetime job was when I was a telephone operator. But I’m not sure if their jobs got cut with all the computer stuff now. Ha ha computer stuff. But yeah! I was deep in a troubling addiction though, kind of depressed and trying to escape my life, living in a city I didn’t want to live in forever, and not sure I wanted to marry a job. Because it was one of those jobs that if you did a good job, you could retire and have a decent pension. I made it six or eight months and then I got fired for absenteeism because it was still a call centre job and those are awful. But I did work long enough to get a $13,000 pension when I retire later in life (after it’s gotten all it’s interest etc). So if I had stayed my pension would be enough to live on. But yeah I was not ready for that kind of a job, and it wasn’t a job I loved.

But I do love teaching, so this doesn’t feel like I’m making some huge compromise. Or selling out my soul. And there are a lot of trans men with teaching jobs so it’s not a really unusual field to go into for my gender. And I’m in Canada and Universities here still care about equity, diversity, and inclusion, which is way better than the US because I care about being accepted for myself in my workplace. Like someone can think I’m a bad teacher, but I would rather that be because of how I am teaching and not because of who I am. That being said I have Indigenous friends who are profs who got a lot of push back and racism from students, so yeah ahhhh.

Anyway I choose to be optimistic I guess. I will assume the best and prepare for the worst.

I’m doing good with my trans climate project. I interviewed a third person today, and there’s someone I am interviewing in the beginning of December. And then my research assistants are off for winter break, so it’s a little bit of a chill time, I will do some editing.

I have been progressing in therapy, which is nice. I mean I don’t know that I have an end goal in mind, we’re doing long term therapy because that’s what I was looking for, so I think she’s here to help me be the person I want to be as I go through this life. It’s been really cool how much work we’ve done together, it’s been five years, like the whole pandemic! Omg. But yeah it’s changed my life, therapy. I’m still not completely happy with where I am in life, but I know I am in a better place than I was five years ago. And more myself. And happier overall.

I don’t know, what else do I have to talk about in this post?

These are not ever well thought out posts, just so you know. It’s usually just a spare half an hour to an hour I have once in a while where I barf a bunch of words onto my website. If this was writing for a professional gig it would be so much different.

What’s this boy want?

I’m having tons of gay sex but still not much in the way of romantic dating, so that would be nice. I think I’ve been cruising for hookups more than romance. And it’s kind of terrible because sometimes when men come at me all romantic on Grindr, I’m like aw fuck its a scammer. Because it usually is! But yeah maybe one is sincere and I just thought “what’s with this suspiciously handsome one photo profile? I should block him.”

I was talking in therapy about the difference in my sex life from when I was trying to be a lesbian to now as a queer trans man, and the sex now is so much better. Like before I usually only had sex with someone once, like being auditioned, and then they would be done with me. And it’s so hard finding someone, if I got laid once a year that would be impressive. I was not a popular date as a lesbian AT ALL. And it meant I never really got to explore myself as a sexual person when I was only dating women. And now I can have sex with a bunch of people in one week if I want, super easily. I’m slowing down because it’s not as exciting, but it’s still like, usually one or two guys a week. This past week there were two people. Sometimes it’s more. But yeah that never happened when I was a lesbian. BUT because I’ve had sex with so many men and AMAB people now, I am way better at having sex with people with dicks. But I kind of wonder if I would still be bad with women? It’s been a long time, and I have definitely had way more sex with men than women in my life now. Maybe I just let too many femmes break my heart and now I have to do other things. I don’t know! But I know I don’t want to be a lesbian again.