Cindy and Megan

So yes, it is Cindy and Megan’s wedding tomorrow. They have ten cakes! Mom just went to the rehearsal. They’re both femmes, so it will be so frou frou! I’m excited. Megan is American actually, she’s becoming a Canadian now because of various things, like same sex marriage. And just that she loves Cindy. We went camping in the States with them last year, it was so fun. Except I was having psych med issues, so I was fucked up. But it was really fun. We went to Arches and the Canyonlands, and we went to look at pictographs on this one road. Megan found the motherlode behind a bush, and those were some amazing artworks. There was a bison, actually, which means there was some kind of cultural expansion between nations. There was a thunderbird too, which is another Plains symbol. The name Anasazi is derogatory by the way, the proper term is Ancestral Puebloans, which I was always gleefully pointing out anytime someone said Anasazi. We went to Mesa Verde, which had just survived a major fire, and that was really fun. There were bunnies everywhere! And I took mom to Cliff Palace, which is the largest ruin, it was hard though because it’s grueling both getting down and coming up. Our tour guide was a Hopi woman, and she had some really great things to say about the culture and what she knew about kivas and how the agriculture worked on top of the Mesa. And she was asked over and over why they were gone. Her answer was basically that they moved, they didn’t feel like living there anymore. She told us about some of the places way in the back of the Cliff Palace where only the rangers get to go, they used to store corn back there. And they had bad teeth because they ground their corn with rocks and rock particles would mix in and wear down their teeth. We also looked at the highways, which are just hand and toe holds carved into cliff faces. On the way back up from Cliff Palace we got so tired, going up three steep ladders and mom is afraid of heights so I had to keep telling her not to look down.

Mesa Verde is at such a high altitude that you can actually get sick from it, because it’s hard to adjust to it. And Cindy got altitude sickness, poor girl. Later when we were at Devils Tower, in the middle of Sturgis, we saw a sign saying that they had the Plague in certain gophers, because we went to see the gopher civilization. And Cindy was so funny, she was just like “Oh, now I have the Plague!”

After Devils Tower we stayed in some crap campsite and I got into trouble for smoking a clove cigarette inside, even though other people were smoking gross cigarettes. Anyway, I was annoyed with the service there. Mom asked for cutlery and the waitress didn’t know what she meant. Mum was like “You know, knife, fork.” She never got her cutlery. I thought that was rude so I made Devils Tower out of my mashed potatoes and then we went back to Canada. And we love Canada, but it was nice to finally see all of those American sites. And Cindy and Megan made us go to Walldrug, which was funny because again we were travelling during Sturgis, so there were bikes EVERYWHERE. And we started forming opinions about Sturgis, because some bikers were hardcore and drove all the way there on their bikes, while others had full on RV’s with some bikes on a trailer. You can guess which people impressed us.

Anyway, I finally got the appropriate wedding present for Cindy and Megan, I think they will like it. And I’m glad they are finally getting married, because they have been together for so long.

We bought some Anasazi beans, the same kind they grew. It’s called Anasazi beans, but I always prefer calling them Ancestral Puebloan beans.

Service

This has been the most intense day of my life, EVER! My Aunt Beth took me to Good Friday services with the Lutheran Church, and it was really beautiful. They sang the entire Passion service, and that was intense. I almost started crying at the end actually. And my Aunt, who is graduating and starting her clergy work this year, brought me up with her to bow before the cross. And it was intense, because here were two psychiatric survivors standing in front of the cross. And it wasn’t a fancy cross, it was very humble, made from two pieces of worm eaten wood. I was thinking about the Passion, but I was also thinking about that horrifying moment when I was in four point restraints screaming and no one cared. I was looking at this sad cross and thinking about what it really meant. And thinking about my body laying in a psych ward so afraid and so alone. And then Aunt Beth touched one arm of the cross, and I just automatically touched the top, because that’s where my head was in four point restraints and that’s where I was being tortured. And I think she was also thinking about her own time in psych care. It was really moving.

I got paid, so afterwards we went tuxedo shopping, at Value Village! And I got this great swish tux with tails, and it is cut just perfect for my body. So that was good, because now I can finally wear my top hat. And I went to a mens clothing store on my own to get the rest of my outfit, which was an interesting experience. I haven’t ever gone into male territory like that before, I only ever bought mens clothes from vintage stores. And it was weird at first, because some teenage boy came in to look at grad clothes with his girlfriend and this one salesman spent so much time talking to him about EVERYTHING, I was so snubbed. And that was bizarre, but I was kind of expecting it. What I didn’t expect was when I paid for all my stuff and the other salesman rang it through, and he totally started razzing me about getting married, and he knew I was buying it for myself, not for a boyfriend or anything. And I was so shy, because he was really friendly about this total transman getting formal mens wear. And he was Middle Eastern, by the way. And the teenage boy didn’t buy anything.

I look really good in it. I am such a dandy! I’m a sloppy girl, but as a boy I just go into dandy mode. And the shirt I got was pink, by the way, because originally pink was a mens color. Hallmark changed it at some point in history, I forget why. Anyway, I’m cleaning myself up, I actually care about how I look, and that is so different.

My mom has finally accepted that I am going to be a man now. She was really scared about it, obviously, because it means I could get hurt. She said she would knit me a codpiece that says “Don’t be mean to my son.” Aw. She still uses the Thirza name, but it’s okay because she’s adjusting. I am impressed with anyone who calls me Sarain though, because it means they actually care about my identity and knowing who I am. Mom actually had a dream a while back that I was a man, so she knew it was coming. And I did give her Gender Outlaw to read when I was in high school, so she does know what it’s about. And when I talked to her best friend Norlane about it, who has known both Sarain when he was alive and baby me, we actually talked about David Harrison’s play which we had both independently seen when it was here at the Fringe, and so we talked about what it means to be a transman. I believe he actually comes from Saskatoon, because I remember everyone was kind of amazed that he would come back here and perform it for us. The Saskatoon Fringe festival is actually reputed as one of the best Fringe festivals in the world, we used to get a number of highly talented international companies coming here and I used to volunteer and see like, seven plays or more.

Norlane was the one who contacted Sarain’s mother in Italy when he died, and she didn’t know Italian, so it was an awkward conversation. I don’t know how she found his mother actually, but she started crying and I think she knew he was going to do what he did. Or I was going to do what I did. Sarain has a sister in Venice somewhere. When Edward did his Venice show, he played a song for Sarain every morning at seven o’clock on the Venice radio. I think that is my favorite part about his piece for the Biennale. I would actually like to get a copy of the song he played.

And I have Schrodinger, which is also excellent, because Jesse Duval Loewy was the one who raised Schrodinger. And Jesse committed suicide this year. I like to think that I can at least take care of the one boy cat from Jesse and Linda’s litter. And Schrodinger is a gorgeous tomcat, although he ran away with my digital camera yesterday. Schrodinger’s sisters are with Leif, he named them George and Alex.

Transition update

I was talking to a friend of the family who practically raised me actually, and she works at the Community Clinic here in Saskatoon. We talked about me seeing a therapist there again, I have the appointment next week. And I have to make an appointment with my regular doctor, who is like, the best doctor I’ve ever had. She’s like Saffy if Saffy went to med school. So she’s pretty cool and she likes doing research on new things, I mean, she always augments her education, which not a lot of doctors do. So I guess I will meet with her and talk about profoundly gifted people AND transmen, and I’m sure it’s not all new territory for her, I mean, obviously she’s gifted for starters. Plus they actually do keep medical records confidential, which is a far cry from the Quebec health system, and that’s good. Quebec releases personal files to employers. So that’s not safe at all! I think Saskatoon might actually be the best place to do this. And my friend Laurel has filled me in on Saulteaux prophecy, which says we should return to our homelands for seven years. And I think, well, I’m part Saulteaux and Laurel is the expert on that culture, and we’ve known each other since we were two, so I’m fine with keeping to that. And even though I’m from a bunch of different places originally, this is where I grew up. So yeah, back in the homeland!

Aw

Peg Campbell, my favorite prof at Emily Carr in the Film department, sent me her blessings on my transition. You have no idea how happy that makes me. She’s great, man, one of the few professors with tenure who still cares about all her students.

Good Friday

This should be a Good Friday again. I have been thinking about colonization and treaty rights and land entitlements and so on . . . and I realize we actually did sign one completely unbreakable treaty. It doesn’t seem like it now because of the current Quebec government, but honestly, I believe the best treaty the people of the Americas signed was with France. They had a different approach to schooling aboriginal children in the beginning, and it never worked because they couldn’t figure out our kids. But they did try to form some alliances, and maybe the best alliance ever created the Metis people of Manitoba. And even though that was just French/Cree in the beginning, the concept has expanded now to include all kinds of mixed race people with aboriginal blood in them. And there are a lot of us, like A TON.

England has broken treaties with us over and over, to a ridiculous degree. I won’t even speak of Spain. But France, now that is an interesting treaty. Because they are artistic, they have some liberating politics, they are sexy and open minded and they actually brought native people to Paris to study. It never worked out well though. BUT, if we could negotiate our real treaty with France, and I mean all of the indigenous peoples of the Americas, then maybe we could get somewhere. The French actually are really fun nice people, I love the French. I hate racists and there are a lot in Quebec, but that is very different from hating the French. And besides that I have French blood in me too, so there, neener neener. Just kidding, I mean the neener neener part. But really, maybe we should ponder today on working out a servicable treaty with France. They did give the United States the Statue of Liberty, and she has style man! And the American government isn’t taking care of it well, which is a travesty against all artworks ever made.

Plus I always wanted to have a honeymoon in Paris, where I could eat more than just baguettes.

Joni

Aden Bowman’s most famous Alumni.

Astumotah!

That’s probably a really bad spelling of a commonly used Cree word. It may surprise people, after watching most of this blog be in English, that in fact I do appreciate the multilingual quality of Canadian culture. And I did take French through school. I started out in French Immersion actually, the only reason I switched to Anglo schooling was because I moved to Montana for a year. Either way, when my brain is operating at full capacity I can pretty much decipher French. I mean, I do it literally so it sounds funny, but I have some fluent French speaking friends here in town who can correct the mistranslations. And mistranslations always occur. So if people did want to write here in French, and there are a lot of free thinking Quebeckers I know, then that is totally welcome. I am so not into having this blog stay a monoculture. That’s not the point.

The Cree language comes in 5 dialects and is the most widely spoken Aboriginal language in Canada, with 80 000 fluent speakers from Quebec to BC. Cree Speakers are well known for their diplomatic skills and ability to travel to various places while still retaining a sense of humour. The Cree language itself is a decolonized language which made concessions for change after the North West Rebellion, so that certain terms became contrary, including words for land and leader. Currently it is one of the most popular languages to be revived here in Canada, with both Native and Non Native speakers. Cree people were in charge of Canada’s fur trade and provided valuable assistance to otherwise clueless refugees. The Bible is the most recent translated addition to the current written language, the most recent translation was into the Y dialect, otherwise known as Plains Cree. Some new terms were created specifically to describe parts of the New and Old testament.

Lakota is one of the rarest languages in Canada with only 25 fluent speakers and most other Lakota/Dakota/Nakota speakers living in the United States of America. Sioux is considered a derogatory term for this tribe. Dene is a Canadian aboriginal language, and also ironically is the same language as the Navajo people of the South Western United States. Dene people in Canada still remember their migratory history. Saulteaux is another language spoken on the Plains, which has been revived and kept alive, there are some fluent Saulteaux speakers here and in Manitoba.

Cree is not the right name for my tribe, we are actually called Nehiyaw. Cree is a French term for Christians. I also don’t have my orthographics handy, so the accents are not in my Cree words right now, but there are long and short vowels all through Cree. Hopefully someone will point me in the right direction of using them online.

Awass Kisemohkoman!

Buddhist Primer

Buddhism was one of the core principles I worked with since I was nineteen or so. I was all independently doing it though, I didn’t really want to study with others because I was all, hmm, quiet. Anyway, the best author of Buddhist texts for a North American audience was Lama Surya Das. He was a Jewish boy who went to Kathmandu to find himself and ended up studying at the feet of the greats. Then he came back over here to try and apply it to contemporary life. The meditations he outlines are fairly simple but effective. I started out with Awakening the Buddha Within, which was a good beginning book and had some really enlightening meditations, like the candle meditation. Later on I read Awakening To The Sacred: Creating a Personal Spiritual Life. And now I’ve just finished Letting Go Of The Person You Used To Be: Lessons On Change, Loss, and Spiritual Transformation, which he wrote after Sept 11. I think anyone looking for their own spiritual path can find a lot of relevance in his books, even if you don’t become Buddhist or you want to apply it to other faiths.

Hope

You guys need some hope. Here is one of my favorite songs while I was in first year at Emily Carr. It’s Euphoria by Delerium.

Prevention

Damn! I thought I could take a break, but here’s some more info. I was talking to my friend Paul Lang who was literally an HIV poster boy. He’s been doing phenomenal work for years on HIV education and prevention. He recently teamed up with the folks who did the viral marketing for the wildly successful The Corporation. They have some websites for HIV education aimed at youth. He will be writing some stuff here and hopefully we’ll be linked up for that.

Hello Cool World
http://www.hellocoolworld.com

Condom Mania
http://www.condommania.com

Planet Ahead
http://www.planetahead.ca

I should also mention my lovely friend Robin Williamson, who has been working steadily with the bisexual community of Montreal to do HIV prevention work with Polyvalence. This is their site. Oh yes, and I should mention they don’t actually use the bisexual word, because some people who have sex with both genders don’t identify as such.

Polyvalence
http://polyvalence.ca/e/main.html