Pan’s Labyrinth

I just came back from seeing Pan’s Labyrinth and my muscles hurt from being tensed up that whole time! And I haven’t cried that hard at the end of a movie in forever and ever. Jesus Christ. Ow. My body hurts! It was such a good movie though, between him and his friend Curaron, jesus they’re intense!

Filmmakers are brutal. It’s the most extreme amount of power you have, to have people spend two hours listening and watching an entire story you’ve created and responding in certain ways. I think if you can make someone laugh and you can make someone cry on demand in response to a film you’ve made, you have the potential to be an amazing filmmaker. I seem to have mastered those two things in my filmmaking, I’m trying to incorporate other things. I REALLY want to make a film that will make everyone in the audience have an orgasm on demand, but I’m not sure how to do that, and I’m not talking porn or where they actually start masturbating, I just think there must be some way to make someone come without doing anything to them. I told a friend about my idea to do that and she said “Oh, that’s a very kind film you’re making.” So yes, emotions are complex. And when people get mad about films manipulating people, uh, well yeah, that’s what we do. That’s a very simplistic explanation of filmmaking, but at the same time I don’t want to deny that filmmaking is one of the biggest power trips ever, it’s the uber apex of domination.

I’m working on one film which won’t come out for another decade at least, but the ending is so intense that it makes ME cry every time I think about it.

Anyway, Pan’s Labyrinth, wow, anti-war movies starring children seem to be the most effective. Cripes!!

Culture Clash

Last night I went out with my friend Laurel, who’s been my best friend since daycare. She’s Saulteaux, which because of geographical proximity is pretty close to Cree. We were talking about the current problems in the aboriginal communities, like the fact that we treat our children really horribly when before colonialism they were afforded the same respect and reverence as elders. But then European thought was imposed on our cultures, and children were treated terribly of course, they weren’t even considered persons of value until they reached adult hood. And so we have learned that from Europe, to disregard children and abuse them in all the ways that they can be abused. Not everyone, but child abuse is epidemic in our communities today. Dickens had the Blacking Factory and too many aboriginal children are working the streets.

But I was extending it to something else. In Cree culture, and many other aboriginal cultures, people with disabilities were also honoured. I know people, usually white people, try to say that we would have just left them on an ice floe or in the bush to die, I don’t know about other tribes but Crees did not do that. If someone like my sister was born they would be a good omen for the community because they were seen as being spiritually advanced. The parents lucky enough to have such a child would also be honoured. People like me were recognized for having abilities to speak to spirits and see the future, and would have been trained to control their mind powers (not stifle, just be more in control).

This idea is starting to be lost in our communities since European values have been imposed on us. Disabled people are said to be a “white thing,” like we never showed up in aboriginal communities before contact. They try to say the same thing about gays, lesbians, bisexuals and trans people too. But we’ve all been showing up in our communities here forever. I should also note that it would never be just the immediate family who would act as caregivers to disabled people, the whole community would be involved in looking after that person. My sister would have been able to wander around the camp and everyone would keep an eye out to make sure she was safe.

It is strange to read things about people with disabilities that violates the values I was brought up with. Like when the Ashley X thing happened and some comments on various blogs were to the effect of her life being worthless because she can’t work or think in specific ways. That is such a European concept to me, and horrifying. How can someone’s life be considered worthless just because they can’t work? Ugh, so disgusting.

And I think about myself too, and my times of extreme poverty and starvation, and I wonder why that was allowed to happen, why I have to earn things like food and shelter, why anybody has to earn those things, when as a community we should just be ensuring everyone is being taken care of. I hate when I hear people tell panhandlers to get a job, like it’s such an easy thing. Or to get a house. People don’t think about what is involved in that, you need an address and phone to get jobs, you need references to get housing, you need money to get housing, and often you have to put down a damage deposit when you first move which can almost double your rent for that month. Sometimes you have to pay first and last months rent. And shelters and housing for street people often comes with conditions, like not being allowed to drink beer in your apartment because it’s a sober living arrangement. I know alcoholism sucks, but not all street people are alcoholics, and it’s not always a good idea to stop drinking. Take someone who has incest flashbacks that create suicidal episodes who’s drinking to forget. Yes, it’s a problematic thing to drink, but is someone going to be there looking after them when they start having those flashbacks? Some shelters require you take part in religious services, some require you meet with a psychiatrist and start taking medication. These aren’t conditions that will improve these peoples lives, these are just situations where poor people are being blackmailed.

I remember when I was in the hospital I got in there during a severe cold snap, so all the homeless people had been rounded up and sent to the psych wards. They weren’t really crazy, most of them, not more so than anyone else who’d been streeting it for a while. But it was a chance for them to get housing and three meals a day, so that people could think it was a good thing. They weren’t freezing to death, but on the other hand they were being exploited to prescribe heavy antipsychotics which were paid for by Quebec Healthcare.

My cultural values are so different from mainstream Canada’s. Take the concept of wealth. In white culture, wealth is demonstrated by how much you own. In Cree culture, wealth is demonstrated by how much you can give away. We still have give aways, ceremonies where a family will collect things like blankets and dishes and toys and so forth, and invite people and give it all away to them. In contemporary life, if we come into more money than usual, no matter how little we may have, it’s common practice to share it amongst friends. I’ve had periods of extended poverty where I suddenly get an artist fee windfall and take some friends out to dinner. Things like that. It means we can get taken advantage of by unscrupulous people, but it’s also just a nice thing to do.

So I am very interested in reviving some of these values which I don’t want to see us lose because of colonialism. Children should be served food at the same time as elders again. Disabled people should be respected members of the community. And we need to find a better way of distributing wealth.

Fireworks!


Fireworks!
Originally uploaded by fit of pique.

These are the fireworks. The ones laying down are 12 roman candles, each spits out 8 balls. From right to left: Silver Palm Tree spits out a mortar that goes 50m and explodes into a huge silvery star. The box is a series of short roman candles which ignite sequentially and shoot off several fireworks, specifically it “vomits peonies”, it is called “Bewitched,” apparently another variation on this was “Anti Terorrism” but I didn’t want something so GW Bush-like. The tall one sends out about 70 balls altogether. The short one sends out stars and “goldfish” whatever the hell that means in pyrotechnic world. The Cluster Bomb is a large fountain which also sends out stars. The cone is a regular old cone fountain, not superspectacular but cool nonetheless. I was trying to find the Burning Schoolhouse, which was a favorite between Luke and I when we were kids, I was going to change it to the Burning Psych Ward, but yeah, it’s not around anymore. I gotta go, my mom’s yelling at me and we have to go buy hotdogs.

Get Politicized Linkage

The uncle on whose land I am doing the box burning – fireworks ceremony/celebration called my mom to ask about me, wondering if I went off of my medication because people make plans when they go off their medication. Mom got mad at him, good for her. She told him I’ve been planning this for years, which is true. I just got the whole box together incidentally, and it wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be. It did make me get a bit creeped out though, all of the other bipolar people in my family are very much into psychiatry in that they faithfully take their medication and don’t rock the boat too much. And I am not sure that they will respect the fact that I’m opting for alternatives and that I’m becoming politically active. I think there are some differences in our lives though, in some ways being a minority in so many ways made me learn a lot about civil rights from different groups besides native people, and different strategies, and interrogating assumptions within myself. I lived in extreme poverty in some extreme situations. I don’t know, I’ve gone in a very divergent path from them. So I don’t want to be “helped” by them, I don’t want them to think they have to intervene on me, I’m pretty aware of myself and my own condition. And sometimes I look and do bizarre things while being completely sane, just because I’m not a regular person.

Anyway, I’ve been reading more and more psych survivors blogs and sites, here are a few of my favorite posts.

Stir Crazy posted a Critique of the Icarus Project, which goes into some incredible detail on the issues psych survivors are facing, even from supposedly alternative/enlightened/anarchist/counterculture communities. This is one of my most favorite posts recently, especially since I also come out of a queer punk millieu, and not everyone is aware of their own use of oppression against other people even though they run around being proud of their being so non-oppressive.

This is a great article called Confessions of a Non-Compliant Patient, which is about this idea of compliance and being a good mental patient, when we know that good mental patients often do not get better, while a non-compliant patient has a better chance of not only surviving but thriving. This is her story of her journey towards non-compliance and eventual freedom through joyously “falling through the cracks.”

Amanda at Ballastexistenz wrote this great post about What Happens When You Ignore Power Relationships, referring to a review by someone working in the psych industry to Call Me Crazy, a book written by survivors, only the psych industry worker puts survivor in quotation marks. Anyway, yeah, worker gets professionally insulted by survivors talking about their lives and Amanda looks at what the real power relationship is going on here.

This is a whole site run by Safe Harbor and connected with Margot Kidder, a proponent of Alternative Mental Health. If you want to get off your drugs and find a new way of taking care of yourself, this is an excellent place to start. It includes a doctor database of openminded friendly folk who will support patients through med withdrawals and assist in developing different treatment strategies.

This article is a summary of the development of the chemical imbalance theory, which yes, is still a theory. No one has ever been able to prove it.

This article talks about the ideas which arose from the Soteria project, an experimental home for people in psychosis which had excellent recovery rates and used medication only if patients requested it.

You’re a nut! You’re crazy in the coconut! This is a video mash up of Gnarls Barkley and the Avalanches.

This is a preview from PharmedOut, an interview with an ex Zyprexa drug rep for Eli Lilly.

An ironic fact about me: when I was hospitalized, I had been working in pharmaceutical market research for many of the big companies, Eli Lilly, Bristol Myers Squibb, Abbott, etc etc. We would ask physicians questions about if they knew how the drug worked, how it worked in their patients, and generally figure out how to sell the drug in better ways. For instance, we would ask if Geodon would be prescribed more often if it was called some different spectacular name, we would ask what images came to mind when they heard certain drug names, we would ask if the drug rep visited them and how many samples they got. Yes, life is full of peculiar ironies.

Men only space


Biological males only!
Originally uploaded by seyd.

I guess I can’t go to Dallas. I went with some trans friends to a mens leather bar in Vancouver and it was so creepy, the doorman id’ed all of us, even though we were so not underage and some of us were passing pretty damn well. This wouldn’t immediately seem like transphobia, except he spent a very very very long time looking at all our id’s for the gender on them, which obviously didn’t correspond to who we were. It wasn’t specifically men only space, but he still wanted to make damn sure we knew we weren’t welcome.

Annie Sprinkle and Elizabeth Stephens


176_7639
Originally uploaded by superfunkmobile.

Remember my post way way back about being jealous of Cindy and Megan (of Lady Lady fame) going to Annie Sprinkle’s wedding in Calgary? She’s legally married now under Canadian law, and in Calgary, which is super cool. Anyway, this is from Megan’s flickr of one of the blushing brides. Man, still so jealous. They got to make the cake (with four breasts on it of course) and generally assist.

I always secrete ocular fluid at same sex weddings.

Psychiatric Exam Paperwork Error


psychexamerror
Originally uploaded by fit of pique.

Something which was/is going in the burning box, but I just noticed it. This is from my application for confinement to an institution, it’s a psychiatric exam by one of the two doctors who examined me. I probably spent less than six minutes with this doctor. As you can see, the doctor probably didn’t really know who I was, because someone else’s name originally appeared on this summary of my admission and my exam. I blurred their name out for privacy reasons, I don’t recall who this person is at all actually, or why their name originally appeared on my exam. By the way, I was supposed to respond to this application to the person who delivered it IMMEDIATELY although they just gave it to me and walked away, and although all of the documentation which I was supposed to refute was written in French, which I don’t speak or read, at least not at this level. I was also told by a nurse not to contest it, even though I wanted to, because I was ALMOST out, according to her, I was about three weeks away from release. I got about three of these applications altogether, all sucessful, and each could hold me for 21 days. This wasn’t the first time my identity and another patient’s was mistaken, by the way.

Flames of Liberation

This Sunday I am finally burning The Box. The Box contains a motely assortment of items and papers related to my psychotic episode which I just don’t want to have around anymore. These include diaries, drawings, my hospital bracelet, pieces of one of my hospital gowns, my smiley face slipper (a foam travesty of mockery, I would keep it but it’s getting gross, but yes, my slippers had smiley faces on the toes), legal orders for committment, and a long diatribe en francais about my strange actions upon admission, like me peeing on the floor. I in fact did pee on the floor, because they refused to let me use the bathroom even though I asked about fifteen times. So it’s a huge deal, I’ve been carting it around with me for ages. And it’s shit I really didn’t want to throw in the garbage, I have to destroy it in a more specific way. And so for years it was a vague thought, figuring out how to burn The Box. And by now it’s symbolic of so many things. There are some prescription medications I have around which I don’t take anymore, and they are getting burned too, including Zyprexa, Celexa, and Lamictal.

My mom took me to Bazaar and Novelty and I stocked up on about 71 dollars worth of fireworks. I have twelve roman candles, two fountains, and several exploding stars, I think one sets off about 70 balls in five different colours. One is a box of roman candles that all go off sequentially after lighting one fuse. I also have 3 ft and 12″ sparklers. I will be making some paper bag lanterns to place around the area, and I will also be burning incense, some huge sticks that are used in outdoor altars. It all happens this Sunday night at my uncle’s place in the country. It has two other meanings as well, Sunday is Chinese New Years, as well as being the birthday of my cousin Christopher, who died in June. It’s the first birthday of his since his death, and his immediate family went out of the country but I think the rest of us feel like we need to mark it somehow, and he happened to love fireworks. So it has several layers of meaning. The whole family is invited, along with some people I know here in town. It’s a celebration really, of liberation from psychiatric oppression, because it marks my release from the hospital. I’m hoping to transform my anniversary into something more positive, so this is the first time I’m doing anything celebratory around it.

Plus it’s the burning of the box!! I mean, that is a huge step for me. I had such a difficult relationship to that stuff, I didn’t know if I should destroy it or keep it and then in the end I realized I didn’t need it and I didn’t want it to fall into someone else’s hands either. I will be taking pictures of course, I’ll probably post them all on Monday. And yes, after it’s burned we’ll be using the fire to cook weiners and marshmallows. Although my mom keeps trying to get me to turn it into just a weiner roast. No no no, it’s burning the box, setting off the fire works, and weiners somewhere in between. Ceremony people, ceremony. The box is the number one thing. I think she just doesn’t want to have a late supper.

Crabby, but not wanting to be Normal

Mom and I crabbed all the way home. Actually, I crabbed, and then she crabbed about me crabbing. It was kind of funny. But soome of it had nothing at all to do with her, I was on a tangent about homophobia in reggae music and she seemed to think I was confronting her, although to my knowledge she’s not into reggae. Oh no! It was about if I got married somewhere far away, like in Jamaica, and then I said something about homophobia in Jamaican music and thinking probably same sex marriage isn’t legal there.

But what I was really thinking about it the evolution of the c/s/x civil rights movement as compared to other civil rights movement, and noticing that we’re stepping out of the phase most fledgling civil rights movements go through. As in, when various POC groups started working towards rights, there was this attempt to be less threatening to the ruling class by appealing to them based on a principle of sameness. You know, the old line “The only difference is the colour of our skins.” It’s total bull. We have lots of cultural differences, our lives are totally different from someone who’s white, and that’s not based on skin, that’s based on something else. Same with the gay rights movement, when the lesbians would wear dresses and the men would wear suits and they would calmly walk back and forth holding signs and trying to look like heterosexuals. If that wasn’t bad enough, for a long time gays and lesbians would also say “If I had a choice, I would be straight!” Which is homophobic in and of itself. I don’t want to be straight, fuck that, how boring. I like the extravagant mess that is the Queer community, even with all our infighting. And the sex is great, which is just another perk. And then even among transgendered people, those who went for sex changes often were pressured into saying they hated their bodies completely and were just regular straight people in the wrong body, and now of course it’s much more complex than that, there are trans people who don’t even want to end up at a specific gendered destination.

And the same is happening in the psych survivor/consumer movement. I mean, we all had to go through this phase of “I would be sane if I could, I hate my mental illness, I wish I never had it,” and now some of us are saying, actually, it’s not so bad, it’s the system that makes it really hard. I mean, there are a lot of things that could be done so we can just be who we are and live in society, disability access issues that are particular to people with psych disabilities. And also, a lot of my symptoms are things I can live with more or less. I know sometimes normals will tell me to slow down when I speak, sometimes I get insomnia, sometimes I get super sad and need someone to hang out with me so I don’t turn into a lemming. And sometimes I hear things or can’t be around large groups of people. But it’s not really so bad, and I don’t know that I would want to be cured or fixed or whatever you want to call it. The insomnia sucks most of the time, but you have no idea how useful a hypomanic episode is when deadlines are approaching. So, enh, why should I want to be a normal person? I think this kind of sentiment is being expressed in a lot of disability rights thought nowadays. I don’t think it is a tragedy when bipolar people are born, or people with Downs Syndrome, or Autism, or Cerebral Palsy, or Deafness, or Blindness, etc. Why should we all be the same? I don’t want to live in a world that misses all the diversities of human experience, whatever they may be.