So I got my travel grant, which was a relief (thank you Indigenous Screen Office). But two other funding applications I had in were turned down. So one was for a tv show, but the ISO and broadcasters didn’t want it, so I am taking a break and looking for a television producer who is up for hearing my pitch so I can approach other broadcasters with an actual producer. The other project that got turned down was my trans climate migrant project, in fact Canada Council now gives you your score so I got this insultingly low score. It was a bummer. I kind of had a spiral and I admit I suspect there’s a certain amount of transphobia at work in these funding decisions. But also I do wonder how much of this is related to that bullying campaign Jas Morgan and others did on me last year. Which is a shitty thing to think. I just think the ideas I have right now are really good so it’s disappointing to not get support for them.

Anyway I am available for gigs like editing videos, script consultation, acting, directing, artist talks, writing essays and other things, etc. So if you have a gig for me let me know!

I did get funding for the trans climate migrant video with the University of Toronto’s Queer/Trans Artist In Residence position at the Mark S. Bonham Centre for Sexual Diversity. So that project is changing to one I can finish in a year, without the music and dancing stuff. A more straightforward experimental documentary. I still have the people I am interviewing that are just waiting, so I’ve started scheduling interviews this month. I also have two research assistants, so I am reading the links they sent me about the particular climate disasters my participants were dealing with. It will become a thing but not as extensive a project as it was originally conceived. But it will still be a good and important project.

Anyway I’m basically going to be cobbling my income out of gigs and this residency and then next May I need to find some more ongoing income. But maybe my name will get out there enough that I can get more regular gigs again and make a living that way. I also still have a chance to get production funding for a big film next year so we’ll see how that goes.

Lisbon was super fun! Queer Lisboa was a great festival, they were feeding me with food from the concession downstairs and took me out for dinner one night where I had this amazing mushroom and chicken Vol-Au-Vent. A kind of chicken pot pie puff pastry. SO GOOD. I made it to Capela dos Ossos, the chapel of bones. It was incredible. I don’t even remember where I heard about that place, but it was fascinating. You can find pics on my Instagram (@piedaddytheo)

I did a couple touristy things like the beach and also a tuk tuk tour of Alfama where I was staying. I got a tuk tuk driver who knew I was Native and said “I love your people!” People did ask me where I was from and immediately got friendly when I said Toronto Canada. I’m sure it is received better because I’m not American. I’m sorry America! You have some work to do right now. But the touristy things and the film festival were great, and I was there for six days (with also a travel day either side of those) and it was pretty good, not too long. By the time I wanted to come home I was getting on the plane. There’s still some things I would like to see in Lisbon if I ever go back. My Apple Health says I was climbing 30 flights of stairs a day. That place is so hilly! I don’t think my Mom could ever go. Evora (where Capela dos Ossos is) was more flat and maybe she could do that.

OH YEAH and also my screening went well, I heard some weeping in the audience at the end which was positive for me to know it’s making an impact. I know it’s an important film but I also think it’s going to be one of those films where in 20 years it will get more play because people will recognize it’s important. Hopefully I am still alive when that happens. Also a trans woman came up to me after the screening to tell me it’s good I leaned into the trans joy, because the joy of transitioning is what gives us strength to deal with the shit we get for being trans.

It’s true, transitioning was the best thing I ever did. It opened me up to so much. And the only shitty part has been how cis people react. It’s strange that people think they should be able to have control over someone else’s life that doesn’t impact them at all. Me stuffing a packer in my pants is not oppressing some Christian or spitting in the face of God. It’s ridiculous.

I’m excited to be back in Canada though, all my favourite food is here, and I can go back to finding gigs to make a living. I am a good video editor! And script consultant. And writer (although I admit I work best with an editor because my grammar isn’t 100% up to snuff). Anyway we’ll see how it goes getting back to hustling for jobs.

I am disappointed but I’m still going to make my art no matter what people say about it or if they do or don’t screen it. There are a lot of cowards in this world right now. I made a post on Bluesky where I said the cowardice of American curators and programmers who won’t screen my transition video speaks to why that country is losing it’s democracy. If you can’t stand up for trans people, you can’t stand up for democracy. It’s disappointing to see how many cultural institutions down there just folded and went along to get along. I’m not very hopeful about that changing right now. But there are other places that do want to hear my voice, so I am pivoting to them. Unfortunately there’s not a lot of funding opportunities here right now to support my work. I’ve been turned down from Canada Council for the last two travel grants I sent in and a research creation grant AND this composite grant. And it’s just so much work to write a grant, and you don’t get paid for that work either.

Also Queer Lisboa was more pro-Palestinian and anti-genocide, which is interesting because so was EMAF and I think the connection between pro-Palestine festivals and pro-trans festivals is interesting. Sticking up for the underdogs/oppressed. I appreciate that there is a solidarity between the two movements of resisting colonization and supporting marginalized people. We’re all just trying to live here on this poor planet. I think resisting transphobia is also part of resisting colonization. The binary model of sex is a colonial concept, it’s not Indigenous at all. Forcing Indigenous trans people to detransition to make cis people happy is just another page of colonization and it should be resisted.

Anyway I think the saddest part of being turned down for funding and other screenings is that I know why trans representation is important right now. People think they don’t know trans people, but if they see us in a film they do get to know us. They can’t see us as 2 dimensional people anymore. It goes a long way to dismantling people’s transphobia. And that’s really important and necessary right now, and I’ve worked SO HARD to get my skills and accept myself and become, but I can only go so far if I don’t have financial support or screenings. It took me 44 years to accept myself for who I am, I’m not sure how many years it will take before people catch up and give me money for my stories again.

I guess thank god for U of T.

So I’m in Lisbon! Right now I am doing my laundry in a washer that is taking a really long time, also I need to put it on a clothesline which terrifies me even tho it just means leaning out a 3rd floor window (2nd floor but it’s Europe so the 1st floor is on the 2nd floor blah blah ha ha). I only brought four jeans and four shorts because I knew I would need a variety but I used all my jeans and have been wearing two outfits a day because of sweating and temperature changes.

Yesterday I went to the beach with Walter Scott which was super fun, I haven’t been to a beach all summer, not even Hanlan’s. So nice! And walking into the ocean was lovely. I’ve been seeing films and going to openings and being busy and later today is my screening! 6pm Cinema São Jorge. Come see me and other trans folks and our films and we will be having a discussion.

I went looking for a market yesterday for my breakfast needs and thought Yelp would help me, but the grocery was so out of date that when I found it I opened the door to basically a small construction site. So yeah, I ended up getting an overpriced chocolate croissant and a black drip coffee. Not great. BUT last night on the way home I spotted a market that was basically across the street and down the way a little bit. So I did finally get breakfast things today. Yogurt, cereal, milk, coffee, some cokes (I know they are evil I’m sorry I have an addiction). OH and laundry detergent which I’m going to leave behind in the flat.

I’m hoping to go to Capela dos Ossos on Saturday for a quick day trip. It’s out of town about an hour and a half. But I’m waiting until I get paid tomorrow to get bus tickets. It’s basically a chapel made out of bones from medieval cemeteries when they needed the space and had to move the remains. I’m not sure how I would feel if my bones ended up building a chapel. But I am curious to see it and I was similarly curious about the Paris Catacombs, but too terrified to go underground and get through tight spaces. But this is a larger space above ground. And I’ve heard about it for a while and yeah, I want to see it!

People here are very friendly which is nice. I’ve had nice interactions with the Queer Lisboa festival people. Most people I’ve met have been pretty cool. I’m not getting a lot of action on Grindr here though, so maybe hookups won’t happen here. I think I also feel weirder about bringing someone into the Airbnb, while in Amsterdam I brought a couple guys to my hotel room and I guess I felt braver about it because there were people around in case anything went sideways. I’m in a very populated apartment building though and there’s people all over the place. But I AM conscious of my safety so yeah, I might just go to a sauna or cruising bar on the weekend and be in a bit of a safer place to hookup. I already emailed one of the cruising bars to make sure trans men were included and he said they were.

I’m doing well. This website needs some work though, sometimes it’s very slow so I need to check in with my hosting provider. I recently updated the PHP which was very out of date, and that did remove some errors I was getting. But it’s got issues still so it needs to get tuned up a bit more.

I wrote a really pissy post about being disappointed in Americans, but it went into the void and I had trouble logging in and had to fix some errors with the hosting service so it’s gone. Maybe for the best, I’m not sure they need an anti-pep talk right now.

I’m heading to Lisbon tomorrow to show Dreams of Sunlight Through Trees at the Queer Lisboa festival. It’s screening in the Trans Shorts program at 6pm, in Cinema São Jorge. So if you happen to be in Lisbon please come see it! I will be there to have a conversation afterwards.

I’m doing ok, in a bit of a crunch money wise as I still haven’t heard about my travel grant (which always happens) so if you have some cash to donate to a poor trans artist you can paypal or etransfer me at tjcuthand@gmail.com. I have already paid for my plane ticket and lodging, but I still need money to eat and also to use transit in Lisbon. So anything helps!

I’m tired of being poor. After this trip I should know if I got my grants and if not I will be trying to get some editing jobs. But clearly I can’t work this week because I am already working by going on this work trip.

I’m also reading research my research assistants have been gathering for me on the trans climate migrant doc series. So that’s been good.

Today is not super exciting, I have to clean my apartment for my dog sitter who is staying with the pups, it isn’t very dirty though it just needs a pick up sweep and a floor wash.

My stove lost electrical power and I had no idea how to fix it and sent in a work order. But then I realized I could reset the fuse in the electrical plug which is attached to the same circuit as the stove plug ALSO and now it’s fixed. I was really sad though like ha ha oh no I can’t use the stove and I need it fixed for my sitter! But it’s fine it’s fine!

I have to do some laundry today too.

Anyway wish me luck on my travels!

I am done my final report for the Toronto Art Council on my production grant for POOR. So that’s a good feeling. This means I should be able to submit another application for post production of POOR. I’m looking forward to it! I am starting to get some people together to help me out. I’m just so glad I was able to submit this.

And the footage looks amazing! It still needs a lot of editing and colour correction and sound design etc. And music. BUT it’s like, very good! And my acting didn’t suck a lot. I mean, it’s good. I feel shy about it but also I don’t look super fake or anything, like most of my takes I seem very genuine. I’m still syncing things though and I haven’t synced the last scene yet. I’m happy about the quality of the footage and the sound. There’s definitely more than enough good stuff to make a decent film. I think I’ll get used to seeing myself on screen.

I have other things to do though. I need to get back into going to the gym and reading books. I’ve gotten back into singing and guitar though, it did take a week for me to recover from the shoot so I wasn’t very active. Yesterday I walked over 10,000 steps so I’m still getting exercise. Tonight I am going to the Polaris Music Prize Gala which will be nice. I like sitting there and hearing all the nominees. I forgot to ask someone to come with me so I am going alone.

I wrote a letter to the Prime Minister today about the genocide being perpetrated by Israel on Palestinians and I doubt it will make a difference but maybe it will push the needle towards stopping these war crimes and crimes against humanity that we are complicit in. I feel like it’s too late but I know as long as there are survivors we have to fight for them to be protected finally. The west has completely failed humanity because it’s built on a racist system where justice is only for a select few, and the rest get nothing. I think also watching the United States begin to fall apart is not helping.

I was posting a lot of memes about the USA but I realized it was fucking up my algorithm and making me angry besides, so I vowed to stop reposting them for a week. Today I’ve been getting posts about hamsters which maybe isn’t as informed, BUT ALSO definitely less anger inducing. How to stay informed while also not feeding the rage algorithm? It’s ridiculous.

I’m really disappointed with the Canadian government, but also I didn’t vote for the Liberals so I feel like “I tried!” I voted NDP, and if they had gotten in again as a legit party maybe they could have pushed Carney more left. But now he’s all proud of his austerity budget and putting money into defence even though I’m dubious that he really would take a stand against Trump. I really don’t like this because this is making life more difficult for me as someone who depends on grants for projects etc. I mean, not always. But the big projects for sure. I can make stuff with no budget but I have ambitions for things right now. And he’s cutting back on the arts because he thinks that’s a luxury even though the arts is a large Industry that employs many Canadians. ALSO cutting back on International students has fucked over a lot of Universities who were depending on International student tuitions. I am concerned about the general welfare of intellectuals and artists right now.

I do have some ideas about work I can do if I don’t get these grants. I mean, a contract gig. I think I can edit videos for people, I know how to do it and have been doing it for ages. And my computer is super fast at it. So it’s an option. I’ll probably try to make a place on here for work inquiries, I’m just waiting until I get back from Lisbon and have heard about these grants. I think I’ve had imposter syndrome for a while about film work but at the same time I’ve been doing this stuff since 1995 like, it’s not something I know nothing about.

My therapist is pretty confident I will figure out a way to make a living, so that’s encouraging. I do have this artist in residence position too, I’m not completely broke forever or anything.

I found my moldavite this week. It had been in my bedroom this whole time in a bag! Last time I had it Posey almost choked me to death by getting her paw caught in my necklace. But I shortened it this time and I think it’s ok. It’s supposed to be an alien crystal because it comes from a meteor, and it’s transformative. So I checked when I got it and it was November 2020. So much has happened since then! I transitioned for one thing. I was talking with my therapist about what I’ve done in the last five years and while the five years ago me would be disappointed that some dreams didn’t come true (like having children or making my feature film) the present day me is fairly happy with the things I have done. I finally transitioned, and my ideas are really good right now, and I got teaching experience, and got to be a slut which I always wanted, and I have more skills, just more happy with myself, making music which I didn’t think I could ever do. I think I’ve learned more about what my goals are on a soul level than what my goals were on a societal level. I feel very fortunate that I’ve been able to live the kind of uncompromising life that has let me be so creative and make so much work, at a time when the world definitely needs it.

I guess some people hate me but I don’t have them in my life so it makes no difference to me. I can’t be liked by everyone. And I’m queer, trans, Indigenous, neurodivergent, and gifted in certain capacities so of course there will be people who don’t like me. There are also people who love me and love what I do and those are the people I want to concentrate on for the rest of my life. I know we are in a time of white supremacy trying to avoid becoming irrelevant so things are pretty weird right now. And I will do what I can to protect my people, and hope they do the same for me. It’s very weird trying to be a trans artist right now because some people would prefer us not to be around so they can save their own skins. I know that’s true in the United States.

So basically, my income used to come from German speaking countries and the USA (and to a lesser degree Canada). But when the genocide started in Gaza, Germany closed ranks with Israel and made it basically impossible to hire people who spoke against it, so my income dried up from there. Then Trump took over the USA and I had to stop traveling there and then also arts orgs and festivals stopped showing my work because I’m trans (except for a few!) so that income stream has dried up. So it’s me and you Canada. And I’m not sure, I really don’t know! I have three grants submitted right now and I have no idea if I will get them. I have a plan B now for income so I’m hoping if I don’t get them I can still make some money with my EXTREMELY skilled brain. I would love to make money making my own art, but if it has to be other people’s art so be it.

If you’ve ever left a shitty comment on my blog and your smug smile disappeared when you realized I would have to approve it before anyone could see it, and it ended up never showing up on my site… you can thank TERFS for that.

A few years ago I fell for a straight woman briefly and was super confused and some gender feelings came up (because I had not transitioned yet) and some TERFS got triggered and I assume posted my website somewhere and I ended up spending a couple hours deleting comments until I realized I could change the settings so that I had to approve them first. I remember one hilarious TERF got angry at me for deleting their boring shitty takes and said they had freedom of speech so they should be able to say what they want.

Maybe on other parts of the Internet, but this is MY shitty website that follows MY rules and my rules are that no shitty comments get to live here. I don’t need your discourse here, you have lots of places to write your shitty opinions.

I am exhausted. We wrapped on Sunday evening and the stuff went back to Charles Street Video yesterday morning. I’m still trying to track down a c-stand head and I’ve misplaced my laundry fob which is where people put things they’ve found in the co-op, so I would like to find it. Anyway I emailed the co-op to get a new laundry fob. Whenever that is.

The first day of our shoot was at 401 Richmond Street West so it was really cool, we had a nice time shooting. No one bothered us. People were still using the patio outside but they didn’t have to walk through our space so it made no difference. Altogether it was the boss’ office, a call centre, the welfare office, the library, and the bar. I think it turned out well. The footage was looking amazing from what I could see. I’m so curious to see what it will look like when it’s edited together.

The next day was all the stuff at my house. It briefly rained outside but most of the day was dry so people worked in and out of my apartment. I hope it turns out well omg. I’m nervous. I feel it will be fine. I’m not going to really know until I see the footage and that is getting copied over to my drive etc. Anyway even though I live in the tiniest place it was okay, we made it work.

I had a great crew! All very nice people who worked well together and three of my good friends. I appreciated them plus the day at my house Todd had his usual dog sitter as his assistant who hung out with him. Todd also got to meet the crew and be more sociable, which was good to see because he was very into meeting people. He’s a sweetheart. Not great with dogs or cats or anything non human though. And I would not want him unsupervised with a baby. But he is kind to most people.

Anyway the crew was so great and it made things easier. I finally had a decent sleep last night. My dog Posey went to her sitter’s in Port Dover so I had to get her home and I met her sitter at Aldershot station and Posey and her crate and I came back on the GO train last night. So that was like, 2 hours and 20 min of travel time plus waiting around for trains and stuff. Anyway we are all back now, things in my home are slowly finding their places again. People had to move stuff around to shoot so I am finding things in weird places like my nail clippers in the kitchen cupboard by the plates ha ha.

I’m so tired still but today I get a massage which is something I’ve been looking forward to all weekend.

It’s just very difficult being a producer/director/actor all in one, I don’t know that I would wear that many hats again ha ha. It’s a lot. If I do that again I would just pick two of those roles, not all three, or not all three the whole time. Plus I was also doing random things like set dec and wardrobe and sort of make up (just powder to stop the shine) and ordering food etc.

The important thing is the crew and actors are paid, I owe only the dog sitter. I owe my friends my undying devotion but for sure I’m going to be open to doing good deeds for them forever. And also we all had something to eat. AND the parking situation was not such an issue on the day the festival in my neighbourhood was happening. So many of my anxieties did not come to fruition.

I’m also just relieved it’s all been filmed and that I can move into post-production. I have to record two more voice over roles (telephone conversations). I contacted a friend who is a trans film editor and if I get more funds I can hire him this winter to edit it. I’m going to try and get a good paper edit before then. I want to have it done for an important application early next year, so that I can be like “SEE I can make a film!” But I don’t know yet if it will be a good film. It might be horribly awkward ha ha I have no idea, editing myself acting isn’t always weird but this might be weird. We’re gonna find out!

Monday after I finished taking the gear back I emailed my research assistants some information for a documentary series I am working on. I have some funding for it (it’s a multi year project and this is just one year) and also research assistants because it’s part of my queer/trans artist in residence position at the Mark S. Bonham Centre for Sexual Diversity at U of T this year. I’m excited to work with research assistants because it takes me a while to get up to speed on stuff while researching and having someone collect it for me to read is appealing. Anyway it’s very cool. I’m going to be contacting the documentary subjects to let them know the status of the project because it’s still not completely funded, BUT this is a good start and I can do interviews.

Anyway yeah so the shoot went ok. I am taking today off sort of. Hopefully. The massage is my only thing on my calendar. Grindr guys have been messaging me but I’m too tired still.

It’s less than a week to my shoot! It’s next Saturday and Sunday. I’m struggling trying to get some dog care for the Sunday, Todd has to leave the house cause he gets jerky and I don’t want him to ruin takes. Posey is going with her old sitter though, so she’s going to have a lovely vacation. They love each other so I’m glad she gets to see her.

Posey has a surgery on Tuesday to get rid of a lump by her ear. It’s just been getting bigger and the vet said he had seen one before and we may as well remove it and test it. So that’s her job on Tuesday and then just healing up. My poor old lady. Senior dogs are so expensive, all kinds of weird and wacky things happen to them and it involves a lot of money in vet costs. Little Mister was the same, he became a frequent flyer at the vet. He was also the sweetest old man, and Posey is becoming the sweetest old girl too. Maybe not to everyone, but to me and I’m the one who spends the most time with her. She’s so adorable. Stinky breath tho.

I finished Who’s Afraid of Gender by Judith Butler this past week. A very satisfying read. I found it way more accessible than earlier stuff I had read of theirs. But also last time I read them I think I was in undergrad and I couldn’t grok all the words they used. But most words I didn’t have to look up this time around. I think I looked up Phantasm but that was about it. I appreciated the way they took down all the arguments and paranoias people are using against this huge umbrella of Gender. Like they explained how Gender was being used as a catch-all for trans issues, women’s issues, abortion, same-sex marriage, queer issues, etc. And also there was this great part where they were talking about “gender critical” feminists being terrified of trans women in bathrooms and asked if they got scared every time they changed their sons diapers and saw a penis. It’s true, penises are ridiculous things to be scared of. And they made this other hilarious comment about how most of the time they are flaccid anyway. They made a lot of great comments and they even got into colonization and how the binary sex model is a colonizer’s concept and many cultures around the world had space for genders outside of it. And also how translation issues bar gender from really being a universal word and that gender concepts change with different languages. It was a fascinating book. I would read it again.

Right now I have just started Living My Life by Emma Goldman. After reading her talk about her husband’s inability to get it up in Chapter Two, I am no longer going to feel bad about oversharing on my blog. I’ve been around some guys that couldn’t get it up but I don’t think I’ll put it in a book and name them. I guess none of them were my husbands or wives or spouses though since I haven’t had a husband or wife or spouse yet. It seems like she got a lot of grief for leaving him so maybe she was just being practical by explaining her decision honestly. Still pretty intense for 1931 ha ha! Anyway I was not sure how dry that book would be and it’s longer than the Origins of Totalitarianism (and honestly two books but I got the one where they are together) but already I am entertained and also learning a lot.

Remember that scene in The Matrix where Neo is downloading karate and he’s like “I know karate!” (Or kung fu I forget!) It’s like that. I’m downloading stuff that is more whole than the TikToks and memes that try to distill some of these messages for the masses. But it’s slow going, unlike the Matrix, because it’s a damn book. Still I’m glad I finally got back to reading. I feel like it’s improving my ability to make connections between things, which is important for my creative process.

I’m excited for my shoot but also nervous because the second day my shoot is happening during a local neighbourhood festival which means parking is going to be hard to find in the area. I think we can solve the issue by bringing the equipment here after the shoot on Saturday night, and then it doesn’t have to go back to the rental place until Monday when the festival is over. It’s still a big issue which I could have solved if I looked at the schedule. BUT OMG ok this festival…. I have lived here for 10 years (in this unit) and EVERY YEAR I have forgotten about this festival and had conflicting things going on. So I guess this year is no different. Luckily I am the only actor for the Sunday it’s here, so it’s just figuring out how my crew can get here that will be difficult.

SIGH this is why I like working with producers. But this is such a low budget film and I am the producer basically. And writer/director/actor which is a lot of hats to be wearing. I could also rent an Airbnb to shoot in but then that’s a whole other issue I don’t want to deal with because the set dec would be a pain in the ass.

Anyway it will be fine! It might also be noisy. I’m not sure. I guess we’ll find out, but usually the yard next door gets turned into a parking lot for this festival which is actually quieter than the yard normally. But also sometimes there’s crazy shit happening in the park. But also that could happen any time.

Yeah fun times ha ha ha.

I should mark this weekend down next year in case I try to plan during this festival again. Based on how long it takes between posts, I am sure by the next post you will find out how badly or well this went.

I’m in a good mood though. I’ve been learning singing. I’m learning Fast Horse by Tori Amos which has a lot of high notes, and the word Shackling has five syllables and five notes. So it’s a HARD song. But kind of fun and I think I’m doing pretty good on the shackling part. Here is the original if you are curious.

And there’s a Youtube karaoke of it, which is also helpful because those videos are what I’ve been using to sing along to. I originally wanted to sing Lady In Blue by Tori Amos (which might have been easier) but I couldn’t find a karaoke of Lady In Blue. Damn.

But I have noticed the days I do music I am happier. Whether it’s guitar or singing or both, I go to sleep feeling more satisfied with life. Even when nothing else exciting is going on. It’s really nice, also I sing along to songs more often just in daily life. ALSO I have been improvising on my guitars and was learning Ring of Fire and ended up playing an adapted improvised song for Todd when I was making fun of him the other day. He loved it! He loves music so hearing me sing his voice made him really happy and silly. TODD! He’s a sweetheart.

Also singing I think is improving my breath and how oxygenated I am. I always get a bit of a head rush after practicing which is cool. Like it does kind of feel like doing drugs it’s wild. It’s not drugs though it’s just how I breath and sing. And also I was reading that it increases happy brain chemicals. So that’s cool too.

It’s hard to believe now that it’s only been a year with my guitar. I feel like it helped me grow so much. And when I started I felt like I had no right to call myself a musician, and now I’m realizing I can start accepting that title. I think I’m still such a beginner though. But learning Ring of Fire has been awesome and my guitar teacher said that I did really well with it just in the week since he showed me the tabs. So that’s nice, it’s a fun song too! But I mean I am picking things up faster now than before. And I am starting to appreciate music more and see how it’s composed when I’m listening. Before it just seemed like pretty sounds but now I know why it’s pretty, if that makes sense.

Anyway I have a lot of work to do so I can’t write more today. But hopefully the next post is about my shoot going awesomely.

Oh man! This website needs some work. I have a webmistress who sometimes comes and helps but I’m not sure what’s she’s doing right now. I’m not hiring a new one though at this point I am just blabbing aloud.

I’m having a good end of my summer. I am shooting soon and things are coming together which is really nice. I’m excited, and also I need to practice my lines. I did write it but I don’t remember everything I’ve written. I’m doing some preproduction work this next week so that’s also cool.

I did a lot of reading between July 21 and August 21. In that time I read The Communist Manifesto, Pedagogy of the Oppressed, Wretched of the Earth, Freedom is a Constant Struggle, Giovanni’s Room, Notes from a Native Son, The Message, Perfect Victims, One Day Everyone Will Have Always Been Against This, The Origins of Totalitarianism, and The Man In The High Castle. Which is a lot of reading! I am sort of waffling on what to read next, I got Who’s Afraid of Gender by Judith Butler and a few others. I think probably Judith wins for next book though. Having a reading practice again has been so nice. I always felt so disconnected when I read things off my iPad. But this is more personal, to have a paper book.

I’ve been meeting lots of cuties these days which is nice because it’s summer and that’s great flirty/sexy time. I like connecting with people. But in smaller groups or more one on one. I’m not great with large groups because I get shy and boring. Not bored but boring because there’s not really anything coming out of me at those points.

Anyway! I thought my credit card got scammed but no I was fine I was just trying to buy legal drugs. I have had this crazy situation going on with this guy I met from Grindr who invited me to this group sex situation BUT getting involved would mean following a link to another site and giving my credit card. And I was like fuck this is how I’m gonna get scammed, trying to get into a secret group sex chat. Anyway it sounded too good to be true so I’m not signing up. I just think that’s sketchy! Ahhh ha ha but what a dumb scam to know I really was tempted. It’s too funny. But also maybe it is true and I’m missing out on an orgy, I have no idea lol.

I’m thinking a lot about the state of the world. I’m trying to understand what is going on with all of this. I think the reading is helping. I appreciate that it’s not information from social media.

I’m doing laundry and there was a power outage and I thought the machines would automatically start but no, I had to go and press start on all the machines. So we’re 34 min behind. Which seems like a good time to write a post.

I feel like things have changed within me since transitioning. Cis people always act like you’re a completely different person when you transition and for the longest time I thought no I am the same person. But also transitioning opened up so many new paths in my life that felt more possible and interesting than they had before. Like I did always want to be a slut, and now I am and it’s great. And I did want to go to the gym, and on testosterone I have enough energy to go and also to see gains. And I did want to play the guitar back when I was a 20 something but I never had money to buy a guitar and I guess the times I did have money I didn’t even think I had a right to play a guitar. So I think I was finally confident enough to try something I knew I would be bad at for a while.

I was practicing singing and discovered Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash is a really fun song to sing. And so I am learning it right now and it’s so funny, I play it and feel no good at it because I just got the tabs today, BUT it does already sound like the song. Which is the quickest I’ve picked up on a song, I can’t really play it yet because I don’t know all the parts. But it works, whatever it is doing, so I just need to get the right strumming pattern etc (which is mostly down but one upstrum before chord changes). It’s a complicated song but easier than Manic Depression. I am getting those fret-bends to work though which is cool so it’s starting to sound more like what it should be.

My goal for the end of this year is to be able to play and sing Ring Of Fire in front of an audience. I’m just doing the guitar school’s recital, no open mic nights, no big concert, no performance art, no busking ha ha.

But yeah anyway transition did change me but in good ways I think. I’m a lot happier in my personal life. Some people hate me more because I am a man, which is weird to get used to even though there was also hostility when I was a masculine woman. It seems people are just real cheap with who they think should be masculine/male I guess, and there’s that whole bullshit betrayal of the sisterhood thing too by transitioning. And certain people are super feminist but also misandrist so I’m stuck with that I guess, I love the feminism but the hate directed my way sucks. I try to limit people’s access to me when they are abusive though, so I don’t let it in as much. I know some people say misandry isn’t a thing, but it’s a thing. It doesn’t mean it has the same power structure as misogyny but it’s still discriminatory and can be used against marginalized people. Ahh that’s an essay for another day ha ha.

I need a break but I’m going to another country next month for a festival so I am getting a bit of a work vacation. Not really a vacation but a change of scenery. I’m hopeful that I get a travel grant but we’ll see.

I’ve come to an educated guess about why the ruling powers are allowing climate change to occur. I believe it is a long range white supremacist plan to commit large scale genocide against the majority of the population while the privileged white folks stay in bunkers and survive. And I don’t mean ALL white folks will survive, a lot will also die. But the rich ones will survive for a little longer time, and assume that means they won. It’s horrible, but it makes it all make sense. Why are Christian movements so tied to fossil fuels? Because it feeds into the long range plan to kill us through climate change. And Christianity and White Supremacy are very much linked, especially in the United States.

We have ways to back off from climate change. There are new energy sources being developed all the time. So why are we spending so much on encouraging fossil fuels? Because it helps the oligarchs in their white supremacist plans.

I don’t know what else to say about it except it is fucked up and I thought I should mention it here. I am trying to do some work about climate change. It’s seemed so irrational, to destroy the earth. But now I realize they do want to destroy humanity. Except for a few people. There’s more of us than there are of them, but the way the power is distributed has given us a disadvantage.

I think the only way to stop it is massive wealth redistribution.

It’s late so we’ll see how far I get writing this post.

Well it’s been the second week of working out three times a week, I suppose really it’s the start of the third week working out three times a week. My muscles are already returning from their year of exile while I was a traveling academic. I can shoulder press 45lbs! When I started working out in 2023 I could barely do 10lbs shoulder press. So it’s a big change! I can feel nice muscles in my shoulders too, and my biceps are getting a nice curve to them. I’m glad I didn’t have to start from the bottom again, it didn’t take too long to get back to where I was when I quit.

I am continuing singing lessons. I am also starting to sing along to songs more just in my regular life. There’s also the songs I sing to the dogs which are very silly and generally have lyrics based on my pups. Todd loves being sung to. This morning he and I watched Breaking Down by Florence and the Machine at the Royal Albert Hall which is Todd’s all time favourite song. I love that he has a favourite song, Posey never really got emotional to songs. But Todd is a sweet little music lover.

Here’s his song!

I’m thinking of what I want to learn besides Yesterday by the Beatles. I’m not sure, Yesterday was good because it had a melody, but a lot of the other songs I like are practically monotone which is not really helpful.

Stupid Girl by Garbage is also fun. But it would be nice to learn a love song.

I think I want to fall in love so I can write a love song and play it for someone. I just think that would be a nice experience.

I’ve learned that singing can make me cry, so I’m dealing with that. It’s helpful though because my testosterone makes crying decidedly difficult. But something about singing cracks my heart open. BUT it is difficult because then I have a hard time singing. So I want to be able to sing something and NOT cry, but I also value the fact that it opens that channel for me. I really rarely do cry otherwise. Anyway yeah.

I found out today that an old bestie died back in June, Stephanie Llewellyn. I knew her in Vancouver and we spent a lot of time together over the years and then drifted apart. I feel bad I didn’t know she died until today. We were super close for a long time. I guess that happens, the drifting apart. I never thought she was a terrible person though, we just didn’t connect the same way. Oh well. She was only 56, so young! I suppose at some point I will have to do something with my grief, right now it’s a confused little ball, also connected in some ways to the death of my friend Jes earlier this summer who I was getting closer to.

People have finite times on this earth and sometimes I forget that. I haven’t cried over Stef yet, but maybe if I pick a song to sing to myself I can cry. I don’t know a Stef appropriate song to cry about her with. I’m sure it will hit me though.

The table read went great on Friday. I have to do a shot list. I am having a meeting in the morning for my residency at U of T this fall. I think they’re just going over what my resources are etc. I didn’t get a call back from the university I submitted applications to to teach. Which is fine, but it would have helped.

I’m not really interested in a FOREVER job. But I did write down all my skills on a file so I could see what I could get jobs doing. Editing is one big skill, but I was offered a job for a bit and couldn’t take it right now because I’m gearing up for my short film shoot. BUT maybe after that is in the can I can look for some other gigs. I came out with about 14 different skills, most of them media related but when I put down EVERYTHING I also had performing, beginner guitar, acting, and singing. Although the singing is very very very beginner and I wouldn’t do it for work yet. The acting is more developed than I think people know which is kind of cool. But I haven’t acted in many other people’s films. Still, I have been cast in a feature that might shoot someday.

I’m doing other things. I saw some friends today from Berlin which was nice, we got caught up. I haven’t seen Berlin friends in a while!

I don’t know, what else? I practiced guitar today and was doing spider walks a lot which I need to do more because it was really helping with my speed. I also practiced a few scales.

There’s these books on chord progressions I am curious about, but when I went to buy them they were recommended by Jesus type singers and I was like oh no! Christian Chord Progressions. I am sure they are fine, I’m just suspicious.