Time for a Nerdy Bowtie

Todd has been going bananas all day. It was rainy so we didn’t really go out. He was causing all kinds of trouble. I was trying to send a work voice message and he started bringing me all these rolls of toilet paper. And then he knocked over the water dish on purpose. He wrestled with the other dog but I think she got sick of him eventually. Bouncing all over the place. He was a busy guy! Doing too many things!

We got bad news about funding this week, BUT I got good official news about job stuff. I signed my first teaching contract at a university! They actually sent a letter via email that said “Dear Professor Theo Cuthand.” I knew I was gonna teach this class but it still surprised me how emotional I felt to be addressed that way. Like in a good way obviously. I’ve been trying to break into teaching at a University level for like, a long time. And now I will get to teach! So I’m not sure yet if I will like it, but I do like doing workshops with students so I imagine it is somewhat similar.

Professor Cuthand. My Mom was a Prof, my Aunties have been or are Profs, my Grandpa was a Prof. It’s a lot of Profs in my family and now I get to be a third generation Indigenous Professor. That’s amazing! My family was super into education so it’s like, a pretty good trajectory I think, to have three generations of educators. And I’m trying to be fun and thoughtful and engaging in my classes. So hopefully that works out. I haven’t lead a workshop that involved grading though, so grading students will be new for me. But all in all it will be a good experience, or a learning opportunity. My cousin is a Vice Principal at a school in Alberta, so I guess there’s been three generations of educators for a while now. But yeah!

Todd is being a little bug as I type. He’s trying to annoy Posey and it’s working. He’s such a jerk.

A cute jerk though.

I wish things were easier. But also they are fine I guess. I did some challenging things with work this week and it seems to have worked out for everyone involved. AND now I’m a Professor. It’s wacky! I’ve been a little scrappy punk for so long, and now I get to be semi-respectable.

My rent cheque bounced today which was SO FRUSTRATING because it went into overdraft but the overdraft got covered, but they bounced it anyway. I think my bank is trying to pressure me into getting overdraft protection or something, which I wish I DID have but yeah, sucks. I did have almost the whole rent though because it was just this rinky dink 20 dollar automatic payment that came out that fucked me over. Like, SUCH A SMALL AMOUNT which is why I’m so pissed it bounced anyway. AND THEN they charged me 48 dollars plus 5 dollars for returning the cheque. I fucking hate TD. It’s shitty to bank with a pipeline bank anyway, but ugh.

Between TD being a dick, and Adobe deciding to scrape all our work for their AI features, I want to move stuff and find different companies to support, but changing my bank is such a headache, and I still have projects in Adobe Premiere Pro that need finishing. Ugh! It’s really getting annoying though.

So yeah it’s been a mixed week of highs and lows! But the highs are more sustainable over the long term, and I know the lows will turn around at some point. It’s just life I guess, up and down! Also I got invited to another American University to do a screening and talk etc, so I’m glad they’re contacting me again now that my name change stuff is sorted.

I’m 46 now, it’s about time I became a Professor.

A Note to the Likers

I had an awkward interaction yesterday. Someone who was once a friend/curator who had liked that defamatory post about me rode their bike past me and waved. I had actually unfriended/unfollowed them everywhere and blocked them. And they had obviously publicly supported my ostracization. So I’m not sure why they thought they could even say hello to me or wave. If they hadn’t been riding a bike past me I probably would have told them off. But since the people I’ve unfriended and blocked can read this. Yes I am still on social media and if you can’t see my posts it’s likely because I blocked you. And if you weren’t one of my sexual harassers who are also on my block list, it’s probably because likes are public and I noticed you supporting defamatory statements about me without talking to me first. Please do not interact with me in real life, if you support my ostracization then carry through with your actions and leave me the fuck alone.

Just a brother

I was approached on the street the other day by someone who looked unhoused, he was in rough shape but being very polite. He said he liked my tattoos and then it kind of pivoted to asking for financial help, which made sense for the situation. I gave him some money and he called me Brother and did a fist bump. And I realized he wasn’t seeing me as trans at all and def not as a woman, I was just some more privileged man who he saw could help him out. I was telling my therapist about him today and how strange it was to be talked to by a man like this, because I’m so used to being approached on the street as a woman, or woman-lite, or whatever I was before I was getting more accurately gendered. And she was like “WOW you mean he wasn’t objectifying you? That’s amazing!” And then we laughed.

It really is a bit of a mindfuck to be passing on a more regular basis. Ever since top surgery it’s been like walking through a portal to Man Land or whatever ha ha. But like, since top surgery people Sir me more consistently and no one thinks it’s weird for me to be in men’s room and it’s like, fine. It’s so wild! I did get misgendered in the security line on the way to Troy, but that was just the one time. It’s nice to get gendered accurately most of the time though.

Also a trans friend told me men get treated better and yeah that is true too. I remember feeling disrespected so much of my life as a butch woman, and now it’s just like I’m a regular dude who gets regular respect.

I was going to get my nails done, but now I’m unsure. I used to really love it. But passing is like, a system of points, and people do calculations to decide what gender you are. And unfortunately fancy nails are a feminine point that might make people misgender me OR be transphobic. So I’m nervous. I don’t have to worry about surgery for a while now since the salpingectomy is done, so I can totally get them done (anesthesiologists need to see your nails to make sure you are ok). But I am liking just being a Brother in the street.

ANYWAY! Also I am meeting with my nurse in July to talk about metoidioplasty, which I’m still in an exploratory feeling toward. But I want to know what steps I will have to take to get it done. July 25th will be two years on testosterone, and they want you to be on T for 2-3 years first for meta. So it’s probably not gonna happen for another year or two. And I’m very particular about what I want and it’s not going to be full meta, probably simple release and no urethral lengthening or scrotoplasty. And I am keeping my hole. So it’s not a super complicated request but I still want to find a good surgeon for it. OHIP will pay for me to get it done in the States, so I’m looking at surgeons down there. I’ve been looking in the meta subreddits and on transbucket for outcomes and reviews and it’s been helpful. Some of them look really amazing, but some types need vaginectomy to work without so many complications and I’m not interested in that because I’m a bottom generally and more interested in keeping all my holes ha ha. I don’t believe I am interested in phallo at this time, because it’s a lot of surgeries and I guess I am just more interested in having a small dick with good sensation and a front hole that can get penetrated, than in having something I could penetrate with and feel. I DO top sometimes but I’m not really like, compelled to be a top like some people. So I think it would be wasted on me to have a big dick. It would look great I’m sure, and feel nice in my pants. But also if I change my mind later I can do something about it.

I will probably have to lose more weight for meta though, not A LOT, like maybe five pounds. But this one place said they recommend a bmi of 30 or under, and mine is like, 30.6. Which I know it’s a bullshit number, but also five pounds is not A LOT to lose. So I think I will be fine. Unless I get a ton of muscle in the next year or two I guess, which could happen.

What else? Work-wise things are improving. I’ve been doing more gigs now. I’ve been unsure about if my income was lower because I couldn’t travel for work, because someone tried to cancel me, because I’m trans, or because of social media posts about what is happening in Gaza. In the end I guess I really don’t know, but work is picking up and by the fall should be back to normal or even better than normal. So I’m looking forward to that. ALSO May is FINALLY over and I knew for a while that May would be my poor month because of how my income is coming in. So now that’s sorted, I can get back to normal. I’m still stuck on needing an ITIN number though which is super annoying.

I checked to see if the States had a record of my visits from before I changed my name and got a new passport, but so far they only think I went to the USA once for Troy. So I don’t know if the visits under my old name will get linked at some point or not. It feels kind of cool if it doesn’t, just a brand new person.

I’m so glad it’s summer. It’s Pride month and things are happening and people are horny and dressed in less clothing. And my dogs are back and being super cute. Todd had milk this morning with my cereal though and puked it up. Too much milk for a little baby!

20 Years of Total Gibberish

I’ve been having issues with naming my posts the same thing as posts I named before, so the url is the same. So I am going to try adding numbers in the urls so that it’s a bit more NEW. I don’t know, hopefully that solves the issue. I don’t remember all the names of my posts because I’ve made so many and written here for 20 years. 20 years of total gibberish ha ha ha.

I’m writing this from Troy New York USA. I had no issues going through the border with my new passport. It was so smooth. No questions about my name or gender or anything and I think she even called me Sir. They didn’t give me a stamp, I guess they stopped doing that since things are electronic now. But I’m on the other side of the border and things are ok. I also got enough artist fees before I left to not have to worry for a while. So that is a relief, I can pay my rent in June and also dug myself a bit out of my debts. Not totally out of debt, I need a lot more money for that, but at least I am not a Visa card delinquent anymore. Still owe money on my Visa though, and a delinquent with taxes. But it’s improving!

It’s amazing what money can do for your mental health, like really as soon as I got it and was able to pay some people back and pay my bills this huge weight was lifted. And getting food was amazing, being food insecure is such a stressor and makes things feel SO DIRE. I know I did have SOME food, but it wasn’t enough, especially not for my body on testosterone. I was so relieved and so aware of being relieved that I even sent some money to a friend who’s also been struggling because I wanted her to eat something decent too. And that felt nice to do too.

I also finally managed to buy a new Skull Shaver because it broke at the worst time when I was totally broke and I couldn’t afford to get a new one. So I should have it when I get home. My hair is growing out and the top of my head is thinning so it looks awkward. But I’ll be okay!

Todd and Posey are at their sitters. I got a complaint about their barking, so I have to work on it when I bring them back home. Little jerks. They do bark a lot, but the complaint came a day before they went to the sitters so I was really strict with them (I mean not hitting them or anything but telling them to be quiet) and they WERE quieter and I think everyone including me was relieved. I don’t know, I felt really embarrassed before about yelling at them to be quiet, but they do need to be quiet so I guess it’s fine. It’s not like I’m stomping around calling them assholes.

I didn’t really expect how HARD it would be to raise a puppy again. Posey was such a sweet dog as a puppy, or maybe it’s just hindsight. I know she only peed on the bed one time and it was her first night home, and she wasn’t so bitey. But Todd peed on the bed so many times, and he is STILL kind of chompy. Hopefully the dog sitter can work on it with him. He is marginally improving but he’s not as quick to improve as Posey is. And now both of them have issues with strangers so I need to work on that. I think Todd is still more open to making friends though. But it’s hard, puppies are hard. I finally started following a puppy subreddit and there was a post about puppy blues and I realized this is a common problem.

It also didn’t help that some emotionally difficult situations outside of Todd were going on when I first got him. So it was stressful all around, and hard, and then I was also trying to raise this puppy who was sweet but also, you know, just learning good (and bad) behaviours. And that was hard, we did do puppy start right classes but I don’t think that was enough socialization for him. It’s a headache. He’s really sweet though, a gentle funny boy. And I want to do right by him and socialize him but I’m also just not a very social person really, not since the pandemic for sure.

Anyway I should go! Gotta get ready to go to EMPAC. I have a busy day ahead of me. Tonight is a screening and artist talk, and tomorrow is a workshop at The Sanctuary. So I’m busy! I had a shower and put clothes on and had coffee and did this blog, so I’m up to speed to start the day.

ALSO I finally made up with someone I was missing for a long time. Not an ex lover though, but a relative/friend who I had been very close to for a long time. So I hope we can be close again because I missed her.

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

I’m so bored out of my skull being broke and recovering. SO FUCKING BORED. I’m doing my work though. I did some admin. And I finally updated my name on my Social Insurance Number. That was easier than I expected, I just had to fill out an online form and then upload my birth certificate, passport, Status Card, and Legal Name Change certificate. So it’s fine. I don’t know how long it will take to update the system, but when they do I can finally change my business name in my CRA account. And then I think I’m done for my legal name change process, a relief! Unless I want to update my old universities so I can get new degrees issued.

My money is missing, someone is looking into it for me but basically it never went into my account. So it’s somewhere in the ether I guess! Yikes! It’s 500 USD which is a CHUNK especially when converted to Canadian dollars. Where is it? Floating in space. It’s not a check it’s a wire transfer. I hope I get some answers soon because I’m officially in the hole. Adobe took money out of my account but there’s no money in that account so it’s like, 77 in the hole. And it will probably bounce by the end of the day, but my bank will take a further 48 dollars out of my account for being poor. Capitalism is a scam! I saw a meme or something about how this one place finally taxed the rich people and raised almost two billion dollars and it’s like YEAH you fuckers if you want money go after the people with the money! Not me and my empty pockets.

Anyway. Dogs have been barking all day. I’m not sure who barks more. Todd doesn’t really bark unless he’s looking out the window and there’s a dog or someone nearby. But Posey randomly barks at various times. ALSO she insists on making me check if the mail has come. And then when the mail HAS come, she makes me check some more because maybe MORE mail came? And sometimes she’s right. Even when I am doing a video call or something I have to go check the mail or she will have a major freak out. Dogs are exhausting. Pretty funny guys too though or I wouldn’t live with them. Todd’s been dismantling the couch so he can beat up the middle cushion. It’s pretty cute, it’s bigger than him!

Ahh fuck what else? I’m going to be on the radio today in the States so that’s nice. Hoping it goes well, I’m not sure what they are going to ask. It’s about my appearance at EMPAC next week. So that will be a thing.

I’m looking forward to travelling next week. I haven’t been on a plane since I got back from Buenos Aires! SO LONG! The last time I didn’t travel on a plane for a long time was the beginning of the pandemic when travel was cancelled. I think my first trip was to LA to see kwêskosîw (She Whistles) screen at Outfest. And I fell in love that trip too but it had a sad ending. But that is a fucking long time ago now! Wow, ages and ages.

I’m not sure when I’m going to fall in love again. I’m trying to avoid falling in love with impossible people, which has made me strike people off the list a lot faster. Which is good for me because I used to hang on to impossibilities. But I don’t know, maybe I just haven’t been impressed lately. My therapist says I should wait to see who works to impress me and treat me well and prove they’re a good partner. Which sounds simple enough. BUT it’s also pretty slow and boring because no one’s working to impress me right now. I have those Grindr guys and people, but none of them are serious contenders. I don’t know, it will probably be something like going to a festival or something. A big opening. I don’t know. The usual places I end up I suppose. Maybe this work trip! I have another work trip in NYC in June, and that’s a lot closer than my sad no love in California, so maybe I need to get on Tinder there or something. Lex probably. I don’t know Lex is kind of a flakey app. Really all the apps are flakey. It’s hard to take things seriously I guess. Sometimes I’m even just too busy or uninterested in dating. Like my career takes a lot of work and time and also gives me money occasionally so it generally has a higher priority than dates.

I was talking to some guy on Grindr and he wanted to meet up but surgery plus infection equals not right now but maybe later. But then he got kind of pissy about not right now and it raised a lot of red flags so I probably won’t talk to him much anymore. I don’t know why people are impatient. Like I get the desire to meet, but also I’m currently out of commission until things heal up so there’s not really anything anyone can do about it. Grr.

Everyone on Grindr wants to meet immediately, I should just avoid it until June.

Ahh what a complainy post! I’m just tired of always being like things are amazing! Never better. Being poor always sucks. Especially when people owe me money but haven’t paid or won’t pay for a while. Like I am so broke right now but I legitimately am owed almost $8000 from two places and I don’t know when I’ll see it. And I haven’t paid rent for this month yet, I told them I could pay at the same time as June rent. But I don’t know if I’ll get my money by then. It’s frustrating. MY MONEY! How come some people get paid right away but artists always have to wait?

The prairie is something profound

It’s day 3 after my Bilateral Salpingectomy on Friday. I can’t work out, or have sex, or do a lot of things like have a bath. So I’m just hanging out with the dogs. It’s a very slow boring weekend. I drew my dick again but I think I need to go over it with a couple different colours because it’s more flesh toned than the other drawing overall, and I liked the fuchsia that was in the first dick drawing. I’m still not sure what to do with them. Right now they are just experiments.

I’ve avoided taking the opioids I was prescribed for pain, and instead have done the extra strength Tylenol and this extremely potent edible that I’ve been chewing pieces off of for two years. Lol maybe not that long. But I’m finally down to the last bits of it and I think I might look for some more stronger edibles for the future. It’s been nice just being high and resting all weekend though. I did get my work done in time for my surgery, and I have more work this week but I should be fine when I do it because I just will be on Tylenol and not the edibles. So I’m looking forward to that. I’m also getting ready to go back into writer’s mode, which will be a nice change for a while. I know I just gotta burn through it and write write write.

I’ve not been making my protein target the last few days, which sucks. But I am coming out of poverty soon and then I’ll be able to concentrate on getting enough protein again so I can build muscle. So that will be nice. Again my left pec is perkier than the right one, and I realized I use my left arm for getting coffee etc because my shelf is on that side of where I sit. So I’m thinking that might be a reason that side is slightly more developed. So weird, I mean it’s not only the coffee though because I drink all kinds of things throughout the day that I use that arm for.

I’m going away soon!!! I think I’ll be ready to travel, I’m going to take a smaller suitcase because it’s only a few days. So it will be lighter than my big grey one. And has wheels so it won’t be like I’m lifting it the whole time. It’s exciting, I’m glad I can cross the border again. I can go anywhere!

I’m drawing Todd, he’s looking cute. I’ve been doing it in Procreate the same way I did the dick pics. I’m just doing the background now. It’s a very involved drawing! I don’t know what I am doing with these drawings, but its nice to create something. Like doing colouring books really, since I’m working off a photo.

I’m currently dealing with an impetigo infection, and I think I got it from my romps with dudes around my birthday. It’s on my face, it’s being treated and will go away. Just annoying. I’m just glad I didn’t get that antibiotic resistant strain of gonorrhea. It would totally suck. My wordpress says I didn’t spell gonorrhea correctly. I should ask my Mom, she beaded a gonorrhea. Anyway yay infections!

I feel like I’m constantly dealing with body stuff these days. I guess that’s what it means to have a corporeal body though. Upkeep. I should just enjoy this time though because while I’m in a body I can have sex and food and cuddling which makes the occasional impetigo infection worth it.

I’m supposed to go to a play party in a couple of weeks, but I’m not sure what I’m cleared for in terms of kink activities. I can’t have a bath for six weeks. And I never really do anything with my abdomen in kink anyway since it’s not a safe spot for the stuff I do, and that’s where the incisions are. BUT like is impact play on my ass ok? I’ll be able to fuck by then I think, but I should check. I asked about when I can work out again and they said to wait to talk to my doctor. But I don’t see my doctor until end of June but I have to change that to beginning of July. It was such a really minor surgery. Like, fallopian tubes are just not that big. And I feel more or less ok, but when the dogs bounce on my incisions by accident it hurts. But that’s it. Sometimes if I bend over the wrong way I can feel my incision pull. But I try not to do that.

However it really is such a relief to be dealing with this recovery instead of top surgery recovery. Top surgery recovery was so gruelling. And this is like, so little. Like yeah I’m not tippy top but I’m doing ok. I’m still mainly staying home for the next week but then I go and do work in the USA and I’m fairly certain it should be fine.

Poverty month is almost done!!! Just ten more days! And I’m going to the USA for part of it so it will at least be a different change of scenery. I’m so looking forward to June, both Pride Month and Indigenous Month. Or do we still call it Aboriginal Month here? I don’t remember, we moved on from Aboriginal a long time ago. It’s been Indigenous for a while, but with all this Identity fraud I do try to specify my tribe and First Nation so that people know where my community is.

I’m nêhiyaw from Little Pine First Nation in Saskatchewan. Four generations of my family are buried in that graveyard, at least. And I don’t know where the older generations are because we were nomadic, but we marked our families graves with a black stone, and we still do. I only speak a little nêhiyawewin, because I think day school influenced my Grandfather Stan Cuthand to not teach his children enough for them to be fluent. But there’s bits I know. Little Pine is not where our tribe wanted to settle, we wanted to settle in the Cyprus Hills where we’d camped so many times. But the Canadian and American governments didn’t like the idea of us being so close to the border because we kept crossing it. So they moved us way up north.

I always liked the nêhiyawewin name for the USA and Americans means Land of the Long Knives, and People of the Long Knives, because they had bayonettes (I do not remember the words tho!). Also we still call white people moniyaws because when we met the fur traders we asked where they were from and they said Montreal, so we called them what we heard for Montreal.

Anyway that was your nêhiyaw lesson for the day ha ha.

Today in therapy I was telling my therapist how much I appreciated that men aren’t shy about calling me hot. Women don’t really give that kind of feedback. If they think you’re cute it’s just way more subtle in a way I feel too awkward to pick up on. But guys on Grindr are way more upfront about telling me I’m attractive and it’s so validating. I don’t know, I wish I had transitioned and reconfigured my sexual orientation a lot earlier in life. I feel like my self esteem would be in a different place earlier. I think there’s different types of self esteem though. Like my self esteem around my career is quite high. But like, sexual self esteem is still growing and changing. I think there’s a lot going on with that. Also though I finally had energy to work out, and that’s changed the way people approach me in good and bad ways I guess. I just know I get more attention as a somewhat more muscular man than as a chubby woman. And that’s a WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF going on with things like misogyny and fatphobia etc. So it’s complicated.

I’m fairly happy with my life choices lately though. I feel like this surgery is the last one I need for a while. I might get a hysterectomy in the future, depending on this fibroid which is already quite large. But I know that is harder to recover from so I’m trying to put it off. Maybe in a couple of years. BUT ALSO this makes me safer if I am traveling in the USA and in a state where abortions are banned, because before this surgery I could get an ectopic pregnancy and those are emergencies that need salpingectomy but also were in that grey area of not knowing if it was legal to do because it would be an abortion. Fucked up world we live in. BUT ANYWAY that’s not a potential timeline I could go down anymore, because the tubes have vacated the premises.

I’m getting access to the garden downstairs! So I can start my old man gardening era finally. Spend weekend afternoons weeding and planting. It’s gonna be fun! I love garden lifestyles. Being close to the earth is important.

I miss Saskatchewan sometimes so bad. I can’t move back for multiple reasons, but there’s this memory I have when I was a little boy that is so clear. It was after a sweat at my Uncle’s acreage, and he had this patch of prairie that was still natural land and I remember laying in the dirt, with the little grasses all over. And I was looking at the sun setting across this big blue and pink and orange sky. And the sunlight was orange. And I felt this profound sensation in me, I think it was my blood memory knowing I belonged to that land. I get kind of offended when people act like the prairie is nothing. It’s something profound!

I’m FREE!!!

Theo and his new Canadian Passport
I can travel under my real identity now!

I finally have my passport! OMFG though, I almost cried. I went and they showed it to me and then the woman behind the counter was like “Oh this part isn’t right.” And they had put an F instead of an M and I was just like omg. I mean there was an M on my application, and M’s on every piece of ID I used for my application except for my old passport which obviously had an F. BUT they said they would fix it and to come back in an hour. And they did! I came back and had to wait around a little longer, but I finally have my nice shiny new passport. The Photo page is way stronger than the old one I had, it’s an actual plastic card so it can’t get bent. It probably also has electronic data in it. But yeah I’m so excited! I can travel again internationally.

It’s very depressing not having a passport. But it’s over! I can go anywhere (where I am legally allowed to exist as a Queer Trans person). And the borders should be easier, no double takes trying to figure me out. Plus this is the first passport since I got my facial tattoos, so it’s way more accurate to me. Plus losing my hair! Bald tattooed man named Theo! It’s such a relief.

I am going to Troy NY in two weeks and then next month going to NYC for work and also Pride. So I’m relieved I finally have the passport. It would suck to have to reschedule those work things.

I also saw my hematologist for a second time because I’ve been having longstanding blood issues that he hadn’t thought were a big thing but needed to check and today confirmed it’s NOT cancer, because the last two blood draws I’ve done my white blood cells were back in normal range. So I’m gonna live!!! Ha ha it’s weird, I mean in the back of my head I was always wondering “is it cancer?” but luckily no it’s not at all. So that is a relief. It’s likely got to do with another infection which would come and go. But I am ok!!

My Mom sent me money to feed the dogs and myself, so I am going to make a breakfast strips casserole. I can’t call it bacon because it doesn’t have nitrates and so it’s technically not bacon. But normally yeah it’s bacon casserole. Which is just macaroni and tomatoes and onions and bacon with cheese on top. It’s my favourite childhood comfort food. Plus the food bank has been giving me can after can of crushed tomatoes so I need to do something with them before I go to the food bank again tomorrow.

I also have some work to finish up tonight. And tomorrow and Thursday and then it’s my surgery on Friday! BYE TUBES!!! Ha ha I wish I could have a bye tubes party with one of those inflatable tube guys. Or two, one for each side. I don’t think there’s an option in Grindr to say I’m sterile, just options for like if you use condoms or not or if you are on PrEP. But there’s so many trans guys on there and people who make sperm who like us so it would be nice to have that option. I mean you can also just mention it I guess when you talk. I’m just trying to think of easier ways to slut around. I’m really glad I won’t have to use hormonal birth control ever again though, always had a bad time on it.

Such a Nice Day!!! Kinda

It’s rainy, which is not really nice. BUT I had a nice social time with the social committee of the co-op today, so that was really nice. Found out about the goings on of the co-op. Also a lot of families have been here for DECADES which is comforting.

And then I came home and cleaned for a few hours. I can’t afford my cleaner this month so I skipped him coming this next week. So I decided to get into it myself and I did a good job! It smells so much nicer in here. I did my dishes and picked up and swept and washed the floor. Took apart the couch cushions and vacuumed all the crumbs and stuff. Threw out garbage and gathered laundry. I’m going to try and do my extra laundry tomorrow or Monday. I need to wash my duvet and my couch cushion covers. Todd had snuck under my bed and pooped so I cleaned that out too. I just have to finish cleaning the bathroom but that will literally take ten minutes.

I also smudged the house which helps a lot.

There’s this SAD OPPRESSIVE energy that finally lifted in my apartment today and that was really nice. It was probably a mix of the cleaning and the smudging. I’ve also been smelling phantom sweetgrass recently, and I did do a quick smudge with sweetgrass after I smelled it just to double down on whatever that was trying to protect me from. BUT I think I’m going to smudge with it again now that the house is clean. Ha ha it’s like that Zelda Rubinstein meme where she’s standing there at the end of Poltergeist going “This is house is clean!” JUST LIKE THAT!

I feel really optimistic these days which is nice. I think despite my bipolar disorder I’m generally a fairly optimistic person. I think pessimism can be a bit self-defeating. I know some people think it’s realistic, and I admit to private pessimistic thoughts sometimes. BUT I feel like change requires optimism. Not like, reckless optimism. But it does require some optimism and faith. And putting in the work!

One of my jobs is ending this week and then I have my salpingectomy and am going to be resting and doing some other work. But I’m hoping while I am resting I can do some script work. I really want to finish off this step outline so I can start a first draft. If things work out (and they should) I am getting $19,000 this summer, so I should be able to pay my story editor the last half of his fee and finish up this script work FINALLY. I want to get it done before I head into my residency and start my video game. PLUS I want to write this composite grant and that is gonna take a lot of work. Just work all around. PLUS soon we find out about a potentially large project, so I’m thinking optimistic thoughts about that.

In some ways I wish I’d had faster success, and in other ways I can see how all my projects, even the small ones, taught me skills to move on to bigger and better things. I mean they are all good, but you know, I want to do a feature film and it’s been a lot of learning to get to the level where I feel like I am REALLY ready. I think if it had been made earlier, I wouldn’t be in the place I am now with my skillset. Directing is a particular skillset that takes work and time. And openness. So I feel like NOW I’m ready, so I hope we get to do it finally.

I’ve been horrified with what is happening in Gaza, and I share things about it but I don’t know if I have spoken on it enough. I generally left it off my blog but was sharing on Twitter and Instagram and Facebook. In some regards the whole thing is just so sad and there are no words strong enough to condemn it. I don’t know what I can do to change things but it is our responsibility to keep talking about it and not let up. Generally Canada has been disappointing in regards to the government stance. But it’s a colonial government, who are also guilty of genocide of my people, so in that respect it’s not very surprising that the government allowed and encouraged it. And the settlers who live here are also complicit with genocide here in various ways, so yeah. I try to be optimistic like I said, but this is one of those horrifying moments where it does make me feel pretty powerless, seeing how genocide and colonization operate.

I want to make a limited series about my family’s experience being colonized way back in the 1800’s to 1900’s. It was horrifying, a lot of trauma, disease, displacement. My Great Great Grandfather was shot with a gatling gun, which is a precursor to automatic weapons. And if that was happening now, the weapons the USA is giving Israel would have been used on us. My Great Great Grandfather survived his gunshot wound, but like, if some trigger happy teenage drone operator came and wiped out my family for stealing food from the store because we were being deliberately starved, I wouldn’t be here. That would have been the end of it.

And I think about all of those families who HAVE been wiped off the face of the earth in Gaza and like, so many world possibilities have ended because of it. Like, really talented and loving people were obliterated. They keep saying 34,000 died, but honestly it’s probably in the hundreds of thousands now because they killed all the people who could keep counting early on in the genocide. It’s very sad. And enraging. I’m really glad the students are standing up against it even though they will face academic reprisals.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if more of my people had survived. Humanity can be so brutal. Not humanity, humanity is a good thing. But COLONIZATION specifically is violent and brutal, in all eras and in all manifestations. Even enforced poverty that we live with today is violent and brutal.

Digital Dick Pic Don’t look if you don’t want to see dick

I am going to try and make this hard to see if you accidentally came to this page by putting in some spaces before my dick pic that I have artistically drawn from a real photo of my real dick.
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An illustration of Theo's T Cock
Is Theo’s Dick Art?

I feel ridiculous being so shy about making erotic art about my own body. But I have been FASCINATED by my own bottom growth and I’ve been trying to figure out how to put a layer of artistic value onto what would otherwise just be a dick pic. So today I played around with a photo of myself and did some illustration on Procreate. It taught me a couple things, one is that yes you can totally draw over a photo in Procreate which is good to know. It could be handy for rotoscoping etc. The other thing is that it made me think about how many men have casually drawn their own dicks, and how HARD it is for me to even feel ok doing and showing this. I blame the algorithm of all the social media companies that are anti-sex. And also my own concerns about exploiting my own body I suppose. But it’s such a NICE pic!!! And now I’m like could I put it on a mug? Could I make merch out of this? It’s honestly so hot and sexy and I dunno, I guess I could make it political by putting a slogan under it or something. But also like, would I really walk around with a shirt with this on it? How to monetize my new desire to make artistic illustrations of my peen?

So far besides putting it here, I’m also using it on Grindr and will probably send it to potential lovers. With permission!

I wish I was braver again. There was a time I was completely fine showing my wide open vag in a video, and now I’m just so shy even though I’ve been documenting this part of my body for a while now.

I don’t think I’ll make it into a Canada Council project, but it was a really nice process trying to draw this and make it look good. And maybe I can draw more of them, or other things that aren’t my dick.

I do very liberally give people on Grindr pics of my dick, but this is like, a classy dick. An upstanding trans cock. It’s not even hard here though but it looks pretty nice I think, the real thing looks pretty nice too.

Doing the illustrations for Carmilla the Lonely really was a nice experience and I think I want to do digital illustrations more. It’s such a different way of making art than video. Like, it feels more based on traditional art, even though I prefer digital drawings.

I had the most fun doing all the different colours in my boy pussy. Because there WERE a lot of colours. I think I could do a better job on showing the shiny parts though, some of it needed to glisten and I didn’t convey it properly.

The beauty of restraint

I’m glad is spring time. Always my favourite season of them all. All the flowers, and the people wearing less clothes (esp since you can barely tell what people look like in Canadian winters). My apple watch exercise rings were closed for a whole week which is amazing just because of walking outside more. You would think I would also like summer, but summer in Toronto gets HOT and sticky and people hide in the air conditioning. I’m always promising myself to buy a better air conditioner because mine sucks, but I never do. And it’s so heavy to bring it outside and bring a new one in. Maybe it will be easier now that I have a man body.

I can chest press 60lbs now! That’s a lot!!! I can probably get up to 70 or 75 this summer if I keep going to the gym.

May is my poor month, probably my last poor month for a year because I’ll start getting money in June and then start a job in September. I hate being poor. I’ve been trying to figure out what made me so poor this year and there’s like, a combo of things so I don’t think I’ll ever be sure. I transitioned, I changed my name so I couldn’t travel internationally for six months and seven days, I was posting a lot of things on my socials about Palestine, I think those were the main things. Some of it is like, no one’s fault. Like it’s not that universities in the States did not want me coming to do studio visits etc, it was that I couldn’t travel for almost the whole school year. And no one can hurry up a name change process.

It’s probably good I couldn’t travel most of this year so far though, because it let me stay home with Todd and try to raise him to be a good dog. I don’t think he is, but he is sweet and funny and generally a happy guy, so it’s good for him he got to be around me this whole time so far. He’s also a puppy though so he’s just learning still. And we did do his puppy classes.

He needs more classes. He needs to socialize with other dogs more, and on our walks I can tell he wants to play with dogs, but Posey HATES all other dogs so we can’t go up to them and meet them.

Maybe I should give him a second walk on his own, he definitely has enough energy for it. He’s so fucking bouncy! I’m so used to Posey’s chill old lady dog vibes, and he’s just like bouncing all over the place, running, crashing into things. It’s a lot! Puppy energy vs. senior dog energy is very different.

Anyway, I was never into restraints because of psych ward trauma. BUT the concept of HAVING restraint has been very predominant this year, which an interesting concept. Like I could go around saying I’ll never work with a cis man again who’s going to take all the credit for a story about trans people. But I don’t do that. And who knows maybe there are cis men I would work with, I definitely have worked with cis men who are story editors and had a good experience. I have nothing against cis men in general, even though people are always trying to divide trans and cis men in terms of morals or some shit. Some people just have bad morals.

I mean really some projects just need to be relegated to the bin and we can all move on from them. When something gets too tainted by egos it’s best to just start over for everyone. Some people really hang on to things though. And make up lies, so many lies, just to try to salvage something they don’t even value because they don’t value the creator who made it.

ANYWAY I was working on my step outline for this script again which was starting to get somewhere. Then I am going to start back on editing this short film about my transition. I need to beef up the transition story! It’s just kinda boring right now and needs mucho assistance.

I ALSO LEARNED A NEW CREE WORD! It’s manchos. It means a small crawling insect or bug. I like that it sounds like nachos, which I imagine is what it would sound like to eat a bunch of crunchy insects, and probably what will help me remember the word. I was looking it up because of work reasons, because I need a name for these monsters in my story even though they are big and not small.

I made a payment plan for my rent this month, which is a relief, and also reminds me that grace can be found in many places. I’ve generally been fine at paying my rent here at this place I’ve lived for almost nine years. So I think one shitty month should be ok. I’m so looking forward to June when I can pay my rent without worrying and go on a long awaited vacation.

Mainly my life’s mission right now is to work out, smoke weed, make art. I could put love somewhere in there at some point but right now there’s no one to love honestly, so it’s not part of my life right now.