Yesterday was my third day at Western, but no students yet because they don’t start until Thursday. I’m going back next week for the first real class. It was a nice day at Western, I did a department meeting, met a lot of colleagues, worked on my PowerPoint for class, walked back and forth on campus getting keys and trying keys in mailboxes and offices and so on. I made sure I could unlock and lock my classroom. It was a lot! But I’m really glad I was able to do all the work to be ready for next week.

Since my artist residency starts now, I’m going to start drawing assets for my new video game. It’s the Repatriate Me game, so I have to draw the little spirit character. I already did a drawing of him facing the viewer, BUT I realize he’s going to be mostly seen from the side so he can go back and forth. So I’m going to have to redraw him from the side, but at least I know what I want him to look like.

In my head he’s a trans character. I don’t know how to let the player know that. I’m still conceptualizing how this game will work. I need to do more research honestly, and I might make a trip during reading week to see if I can go to a museum that has a repatriation department. Feels gross to ask to look at bones of someone from a community I don’t belong to though, and honestly I don’t know that looking at bones is going to teach me something more than just asking how the museum works with communities trying to get their community members back. Zoom meetings might even be sufficient to answer my questions. I know there is a presence though when being around human remains, BUT ALSO do I need to feel that in person to make a game? I’m just trying to be respectful with the spirits and remains of people who have already been exploited by virtue of them being in the basement of a museum in a box.

ANYWAY! I didn’t get to practice guitar yesterday because I was in London. I actually headed out just after 6am to make the 6:50am train. Then I went straight to work and visited and did all those things. Then I went to a bar for a burger and near beer, and then went to the train station for a 7:38pm train back to Toronto. And even though I did eat throughout the day, I think by the time I got back home I was distressed from being awake for so long and like, feeling doomed as a filmmaker. Which is funny because my new film got into an exciting film festival on Monday. So I was like fuck I’m never going to make a feature film and I’m gonna take a job in California and do something else because it would pay me more etc etc. I think I was just frustrated and tired. And I have been known to make sweeping generalizations when I’m sleep deprived and hungry etc. BUT ALSO I did notice not being able to play the guitar yesterday impacted how I was feeling too, because I was missing it and wishing I’d had room to bring it.

I’ve been acting like I’m never going to be a professional musician, even with this nice guitar and these lessons I am going to start in a couple weeks. BUT I do make media work that has sound, like games and videos and films, AND being able to write songs and play them just for those projects might be something I would want to do. AND maybe when I am more proficient with an acoustic guitar I will want an electric guitar, which could give a different sound that works for a video game better. So maybe I am gaining a new useful skill that I can use in my career, besides ending up joining a rock band of middle aged men. Lol a Trans Dad Band. I still don’t want to be in a band, but it’s because I’m not good at guitar yet. YET.

I’m also writing the handout for the video production workshop we do in a couple weeks. It has to be translated to Spanish, so I’m trying to come up with all the info they might need. I’m just trying to go through the main points so they have something to reference when they are shooting their projects. The workshop will be more about going over where they are in their projects and how to use equipment they already have. We might get them some cheaper additional equipment, like lenses and mics for phones. It’s a lot to put in one handout! But also most youth are very advanced with video already because of things like TikTok etc.

I started a TikTok a while back, but ugh I’m not really into making short form videos, or like, not THAT short form. I like shorts but I guess I’m a snot about it or something because of the type of videos I make. And I don’t really feel like giving endless hot takes to a TikTok audience. No dances! No condescending rants! People can either watch my art videos or read this ridiculous overshare blog. Or see whatever I post on Instagram I guess.

I get notices of what posts are popular on this blog and I found it interesting that this one popular post is about the people who don’t talk to me since before my transition. I am happy to say the one person I felt the saddest about losing contact with is in contact with me again, and we are having a good relationship and positive interactions. I don’t mean Relationship, it’s not romantic because they are a relative. But like, our connection is solidifying again and that feels good to me. And she is getting to know me again now that I have transitioned and changed. It’s kind of weird to talk to her about cute boys since the last time we talked I was a lesbian. But it’s good knowing I can relate to her again and be supportive and have a friendly vibe between us. And also I am realizing in talking to her that I’m still essentially the person she knew before, just a different gender. And maybe more confident and happier.

So that’s something hopeful for you to know about. I think there are some relationships that could be saved eventually. But there’s one ex I don’t talk to who I mentioned in that old post, and I actually don’t WANT to talk to anymore, even if she came back wanting to be my friend. There was a betrayal involved in that and I’m just not really in the mood to forgive that kind of thing.

Forgiveness is a weird thing. Some people really say you have to forgive everyone and I just don’t think that’s true. There’s some unforgivable things that people can do to you. I think there ARE some times it’s a good idea, but also sometimes not forgiving is an aid to keeping a necessary boundary.

OH YES But anyway, Dreams Of Sunlight Through Trees got into a film festival this year already, it’s the first submission I got a response too on Film Freeway, and I’m really glad they took it even though it’s in an exciting country I wish I could go to, but can’t because of work. I mean it’s great it will be there, but also I’ll be sad to miss it in person. There’s one festival I submitted to that I am going to try and find some way to go to if I get in though, even if it’s a very short trip because of work, just because it’s such an important festival for filmmakers. And there’s another festival I hope to get into that I would travel to go to. But either way I’m glad it’s premiering at such a cool festival and will be excited to give more info when they announce it.

I’m letting my natural curiosity lead me in learning this guitar. I’m doing a youtube tutorial course right now which is like, 10 to 12 minutes every day for ten days. And then you practice after. So far I have learned chords A, E, and D, how to fingerpick, changing chords (but i need to make that quicker), and a few memorized melodies. Only two melodies really. BUT I also finally learned how to read guitar tabs today, because the tutorial had a melody I wasn’t fast enough to follow watching his fingers. And then I practiced for a long time trying to get the tune right. It was fun!

I’m also finally reading Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto by Tricia Hersey. In the beginning she makes this point that capitalism started on plantations, and it’s really stuck with me. I think even I bought into the whole grind culture and trying to work all the time and not having enough time to rest. I do rest, I’m pretty good at not constantly working. But I do have capitalism-related guilt about resting. I will lie down and start thinking about all the things I have to do. She talks about a lot of other things that are part of resting though, and includes playing a musical instrument in the category of rest. Which is good because that’s my current hobby. But also yeah working on learning guitar is restful. It’s such a different way of using my brain and body.

I am taking lessons in guitar this fall, so I’m excited about that too. They gave me a questionnaire to complete and one of the things it asked me was my goals. And to be honest my goals are very modest. I would like to be able to play some songs. Specifically Wish You Were Here, and Help I’m Alive. But I am aware I will be learning other songs along the way. But yeah, it’s not like I’m planning to join a band. Maybe write songs for my videos, that could be a thing. But not really much else. I feel like I put all my ambition into my film and game and teaching career, and not so much into this area of my life. Even my game career doesn’t have as high ambitions as my film career though. Like that’s the one area of my life where I’m like “I want to win an Oscar” which is kind of a long shot considering how marginal my characters are and how little the Academy values that. Ahh I shouldn’t shit talk the Academy. I do know people in the Academy now, since they started expanding it to get more BIPOC in it.

I’m feeling discouraged about trying to get my feature film made. I feel like I really enjoy making experimental films, and they are cheaper to make than narrative/dramatic films, and I am generally speaking a poor person, so I haven’t made a lot of dramatic shorts. But since I make so many experimental films, I’m not really taken seriously as a potential feature filmmaker. Which is depressing. Some stories just lend themselves to experimental filmmaking better than dramatic filmmaking. I don’t know, it’s depressing. I wanted to make a sitcom some day too, but I’m just feeling right now that my dreams are unsupported. And it’s not that I haven’t directed dramatic films, just not enough I guess, or not the right kind. But how many is enough before they will let me make my first feature?

Anyway blahhh there’s my public moment of despair for you all to see.

I did an edible this weekend and it made me super paranoid and I wanted to come down as soon as I was high basically. But I started mulling on the Digital Footprint and what that means for people, and most of all, what it means for me who has left smears of myself on almost every social media website. I think it’s kind of messy, this blog itself is a whole big package of my thoughts over the last 20 years, and with the benefit of time, some of the things I thought when I was like, 26, I don’t think of the same way now that I’m 46. So I guess I hope if anyone digs up some old post where I said something cringey, they can see it as a process that I’ve since moved on from. Except for some things I admit I still believe in. But yeah. I kind of envy my friends who always had to have a difficult to find social media presence because of their job or something, like all my teacher friends who are anonymous enough that they aren’t easy to google. Meanwhile my students can just open this blog and read all my stuff.

I think I am recovered enough that I can go to the gym today. I haven’t been since way before I got COVID. And I miss it! And it’s been days since I started testing negative again so I think I am ok for people to be around. Anyway maybe I’ll go walk my dogs first before doing that, they are bored and inside for too long.

Ok first of all there’s not a lot to update you on because I got COVID not long after Missy Elliot, and then was just home recovering for a week. Today I finally started testing negative, but I don’t entirely believe it so I’m still masking in case my germs are going places I don’t want them to go. So that’s what is up. BUT since I got paid AND was testing negative, I went to Long & McQuade with a mask on and bought a Martin D10e. I finally have a guitar! I did a Youtube tutorial and learned chords E and A. I’m having trouble with the chord changes between those, so I need to practice more. Also my finger tips are like, baby skin, so I need to build callouses. My poor fingers! I know I wanted steel strings because I like the sound better, but it is harder. BUT ALSO sounds so good.

I have wanted this guitar for so long and now it’s here. It’s exciting. I have guitar picks, a wall mount, and a strap is coming in the mail. I’m stoked! Todd likes it, he sits next to me when I am playing it. He’s liked string instruments since he was a little baby boy, so I was curious how he would respond to an actual instrument in his space. So far he likes it, he’s not afraid of it which is good. He did try to eat a guitar pick so now I have to keep those out of his bad baby boy mouth. Posey doesn’t give a damn, not much scares her really. And of course she’s too grown up to try eating a guitar pick.

I am glad I am mostly over COVID. I still feel I have some stuff going on though, not 100% yet. I get a cough sometimes still etc. And my sense of smell is still pretty bad. But today was the first time I was able to do some major chores since I got sick. My laundry got washed which is a major improvement in my life all by itself. I’m planning to do the dishes tonight, still pacing myself because I don’t want to overdo it too soon. I finished my course outline today, I was working on it the last couple of days but kept having to stop when my brain didn’t seem to be working properly. But today was fine, and now it’s done.

I’m going to try and get individual guitar lessons, so hopefully I can work on learning with someone. I’m not sure who my teacher should be yet though. Someone close to Downtown Toronto though, ideally.

It’s kind of funny to be learning something I don’t want to do professionally. Like literally my only ambition is to be able to play some covers at home. But you know, I might change my mind about that. But also I just really love music and if there was some power outage or something, it would be nice to be able to make music for the huddled masses around the fire pit or something, you know? Entertain the neighbours in my co-op. There’s someone down the alley who has a piano, and I know because sometimes in the afternoon these tinkling piano notes fall out of the window. They sound so pretty.

I want to learn Wish you Were Here by Pink Floyd, and Help I’m Alive by Metric, and Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer. And probably other tunes. But right now I’m starting with super basic Youtube tutorials and trying to learn the basics. Like how to hold it and how to press the strings down properly etc. It’s fun! I’m going to try and play it a little bit everyday that I am at home. I’m going away two days of the week (leaving Sunday and coming home Monday nights most weeks) so I will only be able to play five days a week. I also have to move my shot day to Tuesday, it used to be Mondays but Monday mornings I am going to be in London Ontario, so not a great place to try and maintain my schedule. Bringing hormones back and forth just seems like more room taken up in my bag. And I’m already taking such a small bag with me. Tuesday is fine then, I will just have to switch blood test day to Friday.

I’m not a good singer, so it remains to be seen if I will even sing along with the covers I play. Ideally I would like to, but that might require voice lessons. My voice wasn’t great to begin with, and since transition has changed to a more deep baritone voice. I was probably an alto before. I am estimating ha ha but I do remember a voice app said I was a baritone. That was a while ago but I think my voice hasn’t really changed a lot since then.

Sometimes I still surprise myself when I open my mouth and speak. It’s such a big boomy voice now. ALSO because most of the time when I use it at home I am talking to the dogs, so to me it still sounds high pitched because of that. But it’s not. I can’t go WOOOOOO at concerts anymore, now I have to go YEAAAAAH!

Anyway I start teaching soon! I’m pretty excited, I think it’s going to be fun. And challenging, but challenging things are fun for me. I’ve got dog sitting lined up for this whole month, so it’s not until October that I have to start worrying about getting some sitters in because two sitters aren’t available for this one date. And after that is November! And after that is December! The year is starting to wrap up already.

I also have to get some applications in some places. There’s a Telefilm application we have to do, and a Fellowship application, and Toronto Art Council, and I am torn about Canada Council because I need to do more research into when I should apply and if it’s a good idea or not. I’m also part of a SSHRC application, but luckily not involved in most of the writing for it because there’s a lot of people on that application. Good because the SSHRC portal already gave me a headache when I registered my profile.

Missy Elliot was amazing by the way. It was a good concert. At the end when we were leaving I was standing on the stairs, but I could see some Black women on the row under me waiting to get out. And I thought Black women should be prioritized at a Missy Elliot show. So I held the stairs while they got out and one of them thanked me. But I heard some women behind me before the Black women got out saying “Why is he just standing there?” “Because he’s a man!” Which was kind of hilarious because honestly also it was just crowded and we couldn’t move. BUT ALSO because they still recognized me as a man and then just put this negative thing on me instead of recognizing I was holding the stairs for these Black women in row 15 to get out. Like it was semi-gender euphoric, but also a bummer because it was just random misandry and they didn’t even know I was trans or that anything might be unusual about my gender.

I guess it’s fine to get man-hate if they want. Like it’s really just words and nothing else. AND also I KNEW why I was waiting for these women to get out.

“Man-hate” is kind of hilarious because I think it talks about men like we are all cis and white and able-bodied, with the same level of privilege. When there’s a lot of men who have less privilege than able-bodied cis white women. So many intersections complicating things! I’m not all oppression olympics, but like, a disabled Indigenous trans man has a more difficult time than some other types of people, in different areas. I think we can all recognize that.

ON THE OTHER HAND from behind really I just look like a bald white man. Ha ha crazy how the nuances disappear based on which direction someone is looking at me.

Besides all that, things are good. I went to Western last week to start my job. I got my swipe card for access, got my keys for my studio and the Visual Arts Centre. Met a lot of people. Went on a tour of the Visual Arts building and also got a tour of the Wampum Learning Lodge which is so gorgeous. The Visual Arts building also has a lot natural light in it which is so lovely. My studio is HUGE and I think I’m going to find my spare green screen so I can shoot some video some days I am there. Although I’m not sure how great it will be for sound when the building is full of students. The men’s room down the hall has menstrual products in it which is cool, although I retired my period in 2014.

I’m really happy about how this next year is shaping up. It’s weird that I’m still a little paranoid of being happy about life in case some sour puss tries again to ruin me. Or maybe that’s not such a weird concern to have. I don’t know.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole last year so far. I was recognizing how adversaries could make me a mean person in response. But something told me that being a mean person wouldn’t make me a happy person. And I like being a happy person. And I like supporting other artists and doing educational/mentoring work. I guess just having the same values now as I did before, and not turning into someone who is vicious and spiteful. I would never lie about someone. Even if they were a terrible person, the ways they are a terrible person is all the truth I need to mention to warn people.

I am more protective of myself now though. Like, a lot of people don’t have access to me anymore (except for this blog, but if they are trying to keep up with me through reading this then that’s pretty sad they can’t just move on). And some people will only ever get my public facing information and not like, the deep stuff going on with me. I do share a lot though which gives people kind of a false sense of familiarity.

Chappell Roan made some TikToks about creepy fans and stalkers and stuff, and honestly good for her. It’s such a strange thing because obviously celebs make a lot of money from having a fan base, but also fans can cross boundaries in weird ways. There was a time I was reading a lot about parasocial relationships, because this facebook “friend” got obsessed with me and started sending me a lot of sexually inappropriate messages, I suspect when they were drunk. And she and I had never spent time together in person, so it was all this obsession based on my social media. I don’t know how to describe how weird that feels. Anyway I hope people start learning better ways to interact with celebs and so on. I don’t think they will. But like, some established expectations about giving privacy etc would be nice, not assuming you have a closer relationship than you do.

Ha ha anyway I just came here to post about having the new gender euphoria about getting man-hate ha ha. Like a cis man! ha ha ha

What am I going to do with this overshare blog? Ugh. I’m just thinking about trying to be more professional, but also this was always my writing spot, and mostly I write about things in my life right now. So I guess it’s fine.

I did 30 push ups and 30 sit ups today. I was thinking of going to the gym, but also I need to make this chicken and egg stir fry I’ve been planning for days. It’s got asparagus in it, and I was hooking up with an assortment of people but I need to take a short break anyway. Asparagus does that thing that would make me unappetizing for a couple days. But I DO love asparagus. And haven’t had it in a while. Maybe I can eat a pineapple after, I don’t know.

I do know I’ve gotten a ton better at keeping this home clean because I usually have dates come over here. I do dishes on a regular basis, which was always a long term habit I wanted to get into. I’m also sweeping and washing the floor more. It’s gotten easier as Todd has gotten older too, because he used to really go all out and trash the house as soon as I cleaned it. But he’s not such a twerp now, very sweet in fact.

He was helping me exercise today by getting in my face while I did sit ups and push ups. Lots of kisses, trying to sit between my knees, ridiculous guy. He’s too cute though. Just a silly baby. He and I are getting along a lot better now that he’s not nearly as stressful as he used to be. He lets me sleep in now! A little anyway. And he’s not bouncing on me when I am trying to fall asleep.

LATER

ha ha ok I went off and did other things and now it’s the next day. Chicken and egg stir fry turned out great! I’ve been doing work also, trying to track down a film for my class. I wrote to the filmmaker today but I kind of think maybe I should have gotten introduced by a mutual friend because this director is famous and probably I ended up getting filtered out of the inbox. But who knows! It was worth a shot.

It’s the 14th today! 3 years ago I had a first date and fell for them and it was such a bad idea. Like, INCREDIBLY bad idea, considering they were married (but open relationship etc). Anyway, my facebook wouldn’t let me see my memories from 3 years ago, but when I opened my phone this morning a picture of us was right at the top like “memories on this day” or whatever. Yikes.

I feel bad for my therapist having to watch that whole thing unfold and not be like “This is a terrible idea Theo!” I mean I think she did try. But I was convinced. Fucking estrogen made me so attached to so many people so quickly. It’s kind of embarrassing, I hope I never go back to an estrogen dominant system. It’s nice now. Not so easily attached. But also I think maybe I’m a bit shut off to falling in love now. It just seems like a pain in the ass. I’ve never been in a serious long term relationship. I don’t think that means I am bad at long term relationships, I just don’t think I’ve been in a mutually loving relationship yet. But also the older I get the less I have a desire to live with someone. I’ve lived alone for most of my adult life and it’s SO FUCKING NICE I won’t lie, roommates are STRESSFUL and I can’t imagine what a lover who is also a roommate would be like. I would want my own room still. And what would I do with my hookups? It’s unlikely a lover would be open to me having lovers come fool around sometimes. But I don’t know.

The more I figure myself out, the less clear my idea of an ideal partner is. I don’t know what gender they would be, I don’t think I would want to live with them but I don’t know maybe I would? I don’t know if I ever want to get married (but I would if it was for immigration reasons). I really am just like, not sure where someone would fit into my life right now. Like I like having hookups, but also I like when they leave. It’s complicated I guess. And mostly I’m concentrating on my career right now and having a good time with that. Like yes there are career challenges etc but overall I’m working on things I care about.

I’m trying to stay open to falling in love. And I do get romantic curiosities sometimes. But I don’t know, maybe someone really amazing has to show up first. Impress me. I don’t know who will or who can.

It’s Thursday! I’m struggling with some admin stuff (a particular online portal is giving me grief). I’ve continued submitting to a few film festivals. It’s nice to get something back out into the world. I feel like I’ve been coasting on the NDN survival trilogy videos since those are still extremely popular. But there’s other stuff I’ve made! Swear to god.

Anyway I also have two video games, although I think Bipolar Journey currently doesn’t have a home, and I know I have to update the code to get it going again. I may as well though, that is a very popular game of mine. I did update it to have my current name on it. But like, just to get it working again would be good and then people can play it from my itch.io account. And then people can throw dollars my way.

Sometimes I think I should be making way more money than I am. I have such a specialized set of skills. My brain is expensive. It deserves to get me paid more with all the training and learning and experience I have. Anyway, someday! I did have a good run for a while. And might again soon.

I’m thinking about projects right now and struggling with this script for something else. I need to get working at it, more seriously. I used to set a timer and FORCE myself to write and that was working for me, but admin tends to get in my way and take me off track. It would be nice to have some set hours in the week that were devoted just to creative time.

I still want a guitar! I’m hoping to get one later this month or early next month. I’ve been doing research. I want an electric acoustic guitar. Like basically an acoustic guitar I could plug in to an amp. But I wouldn’t get an amp right away, just the guitar because I want to play inside my home. For my dogs. My friend Riki took me to Long & McQuade in Saskatoon so I could look at all the guitars they had. It was very educational. I’ve wanted an acoustic guitar for a while, even though I don’t want to join a band with it. I just want to play music at home. Or maybe for a video. Also it would be helpful for my brain to expand and get a new skill/hobby.

I’m learning how to do a zoom with interpreters on it. It’s fairly straightforward but a lot of steps. I think it will be fine, I took notes while I was being told what to press etc.

There was a time in my life where I didn’t care about making notes. I mean sometimes I also forget. BUT notes are my favourite thing, especially since I have ADHD so sometimes things just kind of fall out of my brain.

I used to think I had memory problems because I was smoking weed. Then I quit for ten years or whatever and still had memory problems and was like “OH RIGHT I have disabilities.” So you live and learn I guess. Now I smoke weed again BUT I also don’t most of the time when I’m working AND I take notes. So things are better.

Todd better not chew or pee on my guitar. I wonder if there’s a rack I could hang it from on my wall? That would work better.

There’s really no urgent update today. Things are fine, I’m busy and fairly happy. I’m flirting with lots of people and walking my dogs and doing my work. And it’s summer which means going out in shorts and sleeveless shirts which is always fun. I had my fun vacation earlier this summer, so now it’s a lot of doing work to get ready for the fall. I do want to go to the beach or something though before September starts.

I’m so exhausted. I went to bed late last night and then woke up early because I wanted to google something I was curious about. And then the dogs wanted to get up. So it was 6:30am and I got up. I will try to have a nap today I guess. But also yesterday I forgot my Vyvanse and it made me SO fucking sleepy all day, I didn’t realize I didn’t take my morning meds until 5pm, and that’s too late to take Vyvanse. So this morning I DID take my Vyvanse, so maybe it will keep me awake.

It’s too hot in my apartment. It works best with the window and porch door open to let air through, because the air conditioner is WEAK.

I’m genuinely afraid I will probably die of a heat related illness. Like heatstroke or something. I have crappy air conditioning and I’m on psych meds that interfere with how my body deals with the heat. I know I have dealt with the heat this far. And it’s not even that hot of a day today. But it’s always this time of year that I look forward to the fall when it’s leather jacket season again.

We are supposed to get air conditioning in our co-op in the next two years. I really hope so. I’m so tired of this.

I had a hookup last night with an insanely sexy construction worker but it was SO HOT in my apartment that we sweated all over the sheets and then I was laying there alone with my dog on damp sheets all night and it was GROSS. I really need to wash these sheets actually. It’s really bad! I hope I can wash my clothes and sheets in two loads, sometimes summer surprises me with how much laundry I can do when it’s shorts instead of jeans.

My puppy ripped my sheets, so I need new sheets. But poor boy summer continues so I’m living with these ripped sheets. I feel like a tragic trans bachelor. And I’m back to surviving on chef boyaredee and beans and oatmeal. So it’s very poor diet wise. Although I am having so many blueberry and fruit smoothies and those are helpful I guess.

The dietician said it’s better for me to eat blueberries than drink them. But I don’t want to chew on a bowl of frozen blueberries. They’re frozen for a reason! A smoothie reason.

I’m doing laundry. My sheets are too gross to even contemplate sleeping in them for one more night.

I wish I had in suite laundry. I have to use a shared laundry room and I get anxiety in there if it’s busy, or if people leave their laundry in too long and I have to move it. Shared laundry can be such a tense environment! Hate it.

Anyway I don’t know if there’s anything terribly remarkable to comment on today. Not really, besides climate change sucks. And poverty sucks. I still owe my therapist for our last session before she went on vacation, and I owe a dog sitter, and I’m sending emails to family members for grocery money. It’s annoying. I’ve been waiting months for one payment from a university. I am tired of that. And CRA STILL needs to update my name and now the Business CRA says I have to make a specific change with the regular CRA, and regular CRA has a three hour wait because civil servants got cut back. It’s tiresome! And I find it hard to commit to hours at home by my phone and laptop, when I also need to do things like walk my dogs or get my meds or any multiple things that come up in a day. Three hours is very discouraging. And in the meantime I keep having to give out my deadname for one particular account. It’s SUCH a headache but honestly I just need to pick a day to stay home and do it. The minutia of bureaucracy will be the death of me.

I haven’t given an update on Todd recently, but he’s growing and learning. It’s his first summer and he is discovering the places in the house that are cooler, like being on the floor more, or laying next to the fridge, or in front of the fan. I feel like a bad dog dad for not being able to provide him with air conditioning. We do have a cooling mat for dogs, or we did. It got peed on a lot, I might have thrown it out. Todd is having lots of fun going for walks, there’s many things to pee on out there and he has perfected lifting a leg. He has ONE Ball, the other one is still undescended. The vet is unconcerned though and says they can get it out when he gets neutered. He isn’t getting denutted until it’s his birthday though. Or like, probably just after his birthday, so he gets a nice day. The vet says dachshunds shouldn’t be neutered until they are a year old and their growth plates have done a thing.

And Todd is probably the most classically dachshund dachshund I have had. He’s got a LONG skinny back, and a very dachshund face. Posey has kind of a shorter nose than him, I think she has a great grandma who was a chihuahua or something. One time a dog identifier filter said she was a chiweenie and she might be. But mostly dachshund. But Todd is like, very pretty and fits all the features. He’s a sweetheart.

It was so stressful when he was a baby. And having so many disturbed sleeps with him was hard. But he’s becoming quite a sweet dog now. I mean he always was, but he’s starting to mellow out a bit, unless he’s got the zoomies. It’s nice to see him maturing. And he’s very cuddly which was nice. He was always a cuddler though, he used to make me hold him while he slept. And he still does sometimes.

He was right next to me last night though, and he was so hot and I was so hot and the sheets were so sweated on and it was very uncomfortable.

If I keep having hookups the way I do, I think it might be time to get more than one sheet set at a time. I’ve been cheaping out because of poverty, but only having one set of sheets is SAD. And I can’t do laundry all the time or I have to enter the high anxiety forced social area looking like a slut.

ANYWAY I am not retiring from being a slut, but I am thinking more about wanting a romantic partner. But a romantic partner who is also a slut. Because then we would match better. I feel like I have so much I want to experience as a bisexual trans man, but I do think sometimes how nice it would be to have someone to travel with, or someone to make dinner with, or to go on dorky movie dates. All kinds of things that aren’t totally sexual. I still want the sexual aspect of it but also MORE variety in how I engage romantically with men or anyone that isn’t purely about having orgasms would be good. I think I need to rewrite my Grindr profile.

I am still on Tinder but I think I got shadowbanned for being trans. Serves me right for letting cis het women see me in their feed.

I have finally finished my transition video! I had a super strong urge to get it done this weekend, in time for a specific submission deadline. ALSO I knew I wasn’t going to add more media to the story. I tried to add some new images but it messed with the ending, which is a fairly strong ending. I went back and forth on the title. For a while it was going to be Man Oh Man! Then it was going to be Whatever Happened to Baby Dyke? Neither of those worked because except for maybe a couple of spots, it wasn’t really a comedy. Then I wanted it to be Sunlight Through Trees but there’s another film with a similar title so I had to adjust and now it’s Dreams of Sunlight Through Trees. The title comes from a dream I had when I was anaesthetized for my top surgery and saw myself in a forest looking up at the tree tops and the sunlight was coming through the leaves.

It was a long time coming together! I’ve been collecting images and voice memos and videos this whole transition and I kind of end the video in April of this year. I could have gone longer considering my two years on T was just this last week. But I feel like the arc of the story is better this way. Even though it ends before a lot more of the fucked up stuff happens in Canada.

I’m glad I have another video out there. Last year I spent the whole year finishing my video game, so I didn’t really have a video to show for a while. And games just aren’t as popular as films in regards to festivals etc. So I DID make a whole extensive video game, but I don’t think it was really celebrated. Which is too bad. I did show it at Union Docs which was nice, but we had technical difficulties.

But now I have a new video to show places, and it’s a more accurate video of who I am today. So much of my past work is about being a butch lesbian, and now I am a bisexual trans man. I suppose there was The Lost Art of the Future but I was so early in my transition that it was hard to see me as I am now. I mean the funny thing is very little changed. And yet so much DID change. I have a flat chest now, and a shaved head. And a deeper voice. And I think I smile more which is funny because in so many trans masculine transition timelines we end up not smiling to look more masculine. But I was just happy I think.

Anyway, I hope it gets picked up places. I did include a lot of the current anti-trans legislation that is being advanced in the US, Canada, and the UK. I was having trouble with the headlines looking ugly beyond just the ugly content, but I made some revisions and it’s way better now.

I’m working on my transition video again. I think I’m closer to being finished it. It needs credits. I have to find a better png of the Toronto Arts Council logo, because they funded it and I had some other logo in another project but the resolution quality sucked when I put it in my video. So yeah gotta fix that. If I could finish it this weekend that would be amazing. Sometimes it takes so long (and this did) but sometimes when I’m editing it can wrap up so quickly.

I feel like all the headlines are kind of a lot. But also they go away in the last 1/4 of the video where I am just talking about what I have noticed. So maybe it’s ok? I think the content of the headlines is also just gross since it’s anti-trans laws and politics in the USA and Canada. And the UK. So it’s kind of meant to be ugly. It’s hard to work with ugliness. I suppose I could also make the headlines skinnier by adding white to either side of the headline to make it look a bit better. Ahhh confusing. Trying to make this ugly stuff visually appealing. I might need to make them smaller, I looked at it again and I like the ones where it’s a little less obstructive. Like there are big spots where the date is there and I don’t mind that getting obstructed at times, but going over the image is driving me a bit crazy. I have to find a happy medium! And then do it to all of the videos.

It’s weird that this video has so little actual video in it. Like the background is video, but most of the images are stills, and the audio is all voice memos. I think I need to bulk up the audio track though. It’s needing something but I don’t know what. I don’t know what audio besides my voice would work. Like background audio. The seasons change but I don’t know if that is helpful. I mean maybe the audio IS just my voice and that’s ok. Because that’s such a big part of transition, the voice getting deeper.

ANYWAY taking a break and thinking about it. I might go to the gym in a bit. I went on Thursday and was gonna maybe go today or tomorrow. I haven’t been for most of this summer until this week and I really pushed myself in the chest press (55lbs!) and my pecs still hurt.

I am re-evaluating my relationship to cannabis, because I know I am way more productive when I’m not high. So I’m thinking of making more rules around my use. I used to not do it if I had work that day until I was done, but now I think I might wait until the evenings to do it even if I don’t have a scheduled work thing. Because to be honest I always have work that I have to do. I have projects going on all the time. And I need to catch up on all of them.

I also continued re-reading an old diary from the beginning of my transition and was like WOW I had my heart broken by three different people in three different ways and only one was a romantic heartbreak. But all the people I had conflict/heartbreak with were women/femmes. And I remember two of them were very specific about demonizing me for being a man, or demonizing me for deciding to take testosterone. And it’s funny when I look back on it now because I realize those types of reactions were the reasons I delayed transitioning for so long. I wasn’t looking forward to being evicted from the relative innocence I was assumed to have because I was a woman. It’s so weird. I’m glad those people don’t have the same influence on my life now. Only one is still in my life but we don’t talk as much as before and that’s better for me.

I FIXED THE UGLY ha ha I went back into my video and fixed the thing making it not work. Now I still gotta think about audio. I remember one time I made a video in art school for my sound class and they were like “The audio is just you talking though” and so ever since then I’ve been like omg me talking is not enough! But maybe it is enough. It’s a very text heavy monologue as I discovered things about my body. And even then I didn’t really get into everything that I noticed changing because it began as a record of my voice and face. I don’t have a piano ha ha. If I made an honest video about myself the soundtrack would probably all be Tori Amos ha ha only I can’t afford her. Maybe when I get a guitar I can make soundtracks for myself that have original tunes. I have a ukulele but I’m not going to try to learn and compose a 14 minutes song for ukulele for this video by the end of summer.

I did tune my ukulele this past week and tried to learn some chords, but I think I was high (see above paragraph about this) and I didn’t really delve too much. Besides the ukulele the only other musical instrument I have in my house is a harmonica my Grandpa kept in his bedside drawer. Which is adorable really but I don’t want to learn that right now either.

I remember when I was a kid I tried to learn to play a harmonica and I had a book and a tape and it kept saying this thing about how I had to BEND my breath or something and I found it so confusing I think I gave up. It was like that Schitt’s Creek Fold in the cheese thing. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BEND MY BREATH?!

I was hoping my transition would give me a satisfying big beard in my progression photos but that did not appear. I think there is something going on with my face hair but it’s all blonde and not very exciting. I keep shaving it off anyway. Some guys dye their hair so it’s darker.

Anyway I think I actually might finish my video this weekend! I am coming to terms with my audio only being my voice. And visually it DOES look really good, I just have to do some last edits to make it look the best it can be and where all the clips are doing the right thing. And put in my credits. I don’t know who all to thank though. Do I thank people who worked on my video? Or who helped me while I was transitioning? Or who were just around and supportive? All the images were taken by me almost. OH my friend Riki took a pic that I included. And we went on a vacation together where I filmed other stuff. I don’t know about thanking the doctors and nurses involved because part of me wants to preserve their anonymity. I will probably do cheap credits where I just thank a minimal amount of people. I would thank my therapist but I don’t want anybodies to know who she is. No!

A while ago I realized something sad. I have wanted to be famous since I was a kid, and I am famous to a certain degree amongst certain people. But it also means a lot of people watch what I post or do. And a while back I posted a pic of an ex/current friend and they felt self-conscious about being tagged and didn’t want their real instagram to be mentioned because it would mean other people would know their account. And I did untag them but I felt too big and sad. Not physically big, but like, a large personality with a lot of attention that a lot of people don’t want on themselves. It was kind of a lonely feeling and I wondered how many people avoided me because I was too famous for them to be comfortable with. And I know what people usually do is then surround themselves with other famous people but then THOSE famous people are also self-conscious about who is included in their public life. It’s frustrating. I wish these were Rich person concerns but I’m not rich. I’m mostly poor. I should have added “and Rich” to my wishes to be famous. A lot of people want to be Rich and Famous but for some reason I ended up just wanting to be Famous, or just articulating the famous part anyway.

I actually have been thinking a lot about making a project about being poor. I feel like there’s so many things I could say about it and how it forces you to make choices you don’t want to make. It’s one of those projects that needs to simmer for a while though.

Two years ago I took my first subcutaneous injection of 20mg testosterone cypionate in a nurse’s office at my clinic. Maybe it was 25mg. I don’t totally remember my starting dose only that it was low to begin with. Because I was still tippy-toeing into my transition and thought I would “microdose” testosterone. That idea soon went out the window as things got better and better for me and I wanted to embrace being a trans man. I still did a slow/low introduction to testosterone but over the first year eventually ended up at 70mg. There was a brief period where I went to 80mg this year but then I could not cry for the life of me and was low level irritable all the time and HATED how it felt. So I went back down to 70mg and have been a happier more level human who still can cry when I get upset and no longer gets irrationally pissed off.

It’s been a miracle hormone for me. I know if I made a list of all the things that improved I would still forget all the amazing things. My orgasms changed which was fascinating, they are more like male orgasms now. I hear this works the other way with trans women who go on estrogen too. I got more confident, I got more outgoing. I started wanting to work out more, and eating more protein rich foods. I went from having a sweet tooth to being ravenous for any type of protein filled food especially peanut butter. I got hungrier more overall, it’s calmed a bit but definitely in the first year I was devouring all the food I had in my cupboard and fridge. SO HUNGRY like that No Face guy in Spirited Away.

I also got less romantically obsessed with crushes, which was nice. My desires changed, the people I desired changed. The way I found dates changed while I navigated gay hook up culture. I also got a lot of little romantic mini-crushes on men and non-binary people and women, but they didn’t devastate me when they didn’t work out the way I was devastated by romance on an estrogen dominant system. I felt a lot calmer and patient about dating. And there were so many people to hook up with and flirt with. I live in a big city and I know that’s part of the reason it’s so much easier getting dates now. But still it feels nice to actually feel desirable, something I didn’t really feel as a butch lesbian.

I started trying to get into more men’s spaces, but for most of the transition so far I’ve ended up in mixed queer spaces where men and women aren’t entirely sure where I belong or what I am looking for. Am I a dyke? Am I a fag? So many men have facial hair and as a Plains Cree man that has been one of the things I ended up lacking compared to other people with testosterone dominant systems. I feel like if I had a beard it would be easier for queer men to read me as a bi fag. Unfortunately no because no beard so far. I sometimes want to get bisexual flag pins or something so people know I’m open to a lot of different types of people. But then I guess they would still not be totally sure what I am or what I have between my legs.

When I got top surgery, my ability to be read as a man made huge strides. I got sirred all the time when I went to London UK, and it was nice! No one really thought otherwise. A guy bumped into me going into the men’s toilet (it was disgusting, that toilet in particular) but he said “Sorry mate!” And it was such a British way of being included with the men. No one called me mate before.

I learned a lot about men’s bathrooms. One is that often a bathroom will have ONE stall for men, and a lot of the time if it is busy someone will be taking a dump in it. AND that takes a lot longer than sitting to pee. So I have waited for a long time for that one stall. I appreciate gender neutral bathrooms that just say if they have stalls or urinals, because honestly I would prefer the bathroom with all the stalls. I am growing tired of the one stall though and am hoping in this next year I can graduate to a stand-to-pee device so I can use the more plentiful urinals in the men’s room. ALSO that toilet in Trainspotting, Scotlands Worst Toilet? That toilet def exists because I saw it in London and I saw it in Buenos Aires. It’s like, you hover and pee and wash your hands and try to never think about it again.

I listened to my voice changing and watched things in my pants get bigger and muscles bulk up and fat redistribute. And my hairline changed and although my hair had been thinning since I was 20, now it was REALLY thin and I started shaving my head.

I think shaving my head was the hardest thing to adjust to about my new embodiment of Theo, because hair is so important to anyone, even cis men. So giving it up was hard. And it was awkward to look in the mirror for a while. Until I got used to it, and then I just saw a sexy guy with a shaved head in the mirror. I recently watched a Matteo Lane stand up bit about his hair transplant surgery. They take TEN HOURS to do hair transplant surgery!

My top surgery I think took maybe two and a half hours? Maybe less I don’t totally remember because I was knocked out. Maybe two hours? I know I went under at 3:30pm and I think I was getting discharged at 5:30 or 6:00pm.

Now I want to get bottom surgery and so I am starting the process, next month we write the letter for funding. I chose a surgeon I want, we’ll see how it goes and I won’t say her name here until I know if it’s for sure, or more likely after it’s done. My nurse practitioner who has been helping me with all my trans health related care sat down with me and went over some basics of the surgery I want. The surgery only takes an hour! Way faster than top surgery. Obviously it’s not phalloplasty because that’s a very long involved surgery. BUT this surgery I want could lead to phalloplasty if I desired. I was talking about it with my therapist and was like “I don’t think I want it, but maybe?” She said “You don’t want it for now.” Which is true, I think over time my mind has shifted about how I want to live in my particular gender. And honestly I don’t think I can say things will stay the same, because I just recently got more comfortable with adding one more part to my bottom surgery that I thought I would be fine without. But now I’m like hell yeah I want balls! But also you know, I might change my mind. Bottom surgery probably won’t happen for another year or two so I could shift how I feel. I don’t know!

There’s a group of people on reddit who want more ambiguous genitals with like, a dick and a vagina at the same time. And as a bottom that’s really appealing to me too. I know people have all kinds of reasons why they want their bodies to have or not have certain elements. But for myself that feels more like what I will end up going with.

I also changed my name and gender on all my ID and that was a fucking PAIN IN THE ASS. I still am looking at a 3 hour phone call with CRA to update something and just DREADING it and avoiding it. But everything else is changed except my name at my alma maters. I think maybe someday I will try to get my degrees re-issued with my real name on them. But all my ID matches me, what I look like now and who I am and my gender. Getting through the borders is a lot easier now, although admittedly I’ve only crossed the American border and not other borders on my new passport. And there was that snag the last time until they saw my status card and said I could come to America and work any time because I have status in both countries. BUT that wasn’t a gender related snag at all, which was nice. When I left Buenos Aires my passport was still from before I got my facial tattoo even, so the airport person was concerned I was not the person in the passport. BUT new passport is much more accurate of a reflection of me. So yeah, a relief!

I know I can’t ever be stealth, because anyone could google me and find out who I am. But to be more stealth in situations where I’m with strangers is kind of ideal. Like yeah I want to be able to walk into the mens room and use the toilet (just maybe not the horrible shitbowls I’ve seen sometimes), I want to be able to go into the men’s locker room and not get weird looks. I want to be able to walk around with my shirt off at the beach or whatever.

So a lot of changes, essentially I still feel like the same person. But things definitely shifted for me even just internally in how I relate to the world. In good ways. My mental health really improved too, like a low level sadness I was just accepting sort of vanished. It’s nice.