True Crush Confessions!

I went to Taboo this year with my friend Carrie and I have to fess up, I SMOKED! And not just one either! :O But it’s all cool because I bought an impact toy there that someone can punish me with later.

ACTUALLY now I have noticed I have more phlegm in my throat after smoking so much. It is clear my body would prefer to not smoke.

Anyway, there’s my confession. But I have not had a cigarette since getting home!

I found out this morning (early afternoon actually) that I am going to Berlin this July! I’m so excited, and I have to do a whole bunch of work for it like curate a queer youth program and author a DVD of my selected videos for my retrospective. It will be good for me to get some more experience in DVD Authoring for my business, specifically in making chapters in a video. I’ve yet to do that, having made DVD’s of short tapes mainly, and not needing chapters at all!

I am looking forward to seeing some folks in Berlin and getting out of Canada at some point this year. Although I know I will get homesick for my country. Missing Cheezies and Good Host Ice Tea. Canadian culinary classics!

That being said I haven’t had any Cheezies for at least two weeks and it hasn’t broken my heart.

I have started coming to this amazing realization that even though being in poly relationships has so far just been this default style for so long (queer ladies love that poly stuff!) ACTUALLY I really like the freedom inherent within it. I like that I can have a girlfriend who I love and loves me and there won’t be an issue if I happen to meet another lady who is kissable and more. The only thing I haven’t liked in the past is when I don’t feel special. I don’t quite know what I mean by that. I was going to say “Primary” but then that’s kind of a weird way of being. Although I think I would like a primary partner and then casual lovers, I don’t know if I could keep two intense relationships going at once. But who knows? I just think it is easier to find lovers than a longterm committed POLY relationship with someone, so I would be surprised if I ended up with two or more SERIOUS girlfriends. But one serious girlfriend/wife and a bunch of casual lovers would be nice.

I was talking with a friend today about having a poly household and I remembered the year I thought having a girlfriend and a houseboy would be nice. I think the houseboy would be genderqueer. I don’t even know if our houseboy would have a flesh and blood penis. I would want someone who gets off on cleaning, because I really hate cleaning. And then I could come along and paddle them for missing a spot! And my wife would do some other thing to them, and we would all be happy! Except I think they would have their own room, probably in the basement of our house. Or over the garage. Ha ha, I doubt that will ever happen, but it makes me smile!

I have had a SHITASTIC week for taking morning and night meds. I have been so crap at it! And it makes me feel bad because I don’t intend to not take them, I just forget and then I’m like “Aw fuck!” And when I move my head a certain way I heard this weird noise and it’s just this classic side effect from getting off an antidepressant, almost like paxil zaps but not painful! I’ve been crappy! I am actually doing pretty well except for the noises, but I still know it’s because I have had those meds in my system for a long time and it takes weeks for the effects to wear off completely. I am still committed to taking them, but I am going to have to figure out the best way to remind myself!

I’ve had a crush on this one girl for a while now, it’s been making me smile. Someone other than The Love Of My Life, who is still not interested in me. But I don’t want to make any sudden moves and scare her off, even writing this paragraph feels a bit dodgy. She’s pretty special though and I am super curious about her and spending more time with her. So far everything I have learned about her I like. She has awesome politics and is super hot and involved in her community and creative, and those are all things I really appreciate. And we have other things in common. And she’s femme! Wait, that’s wrong, she’s Femme, very much a capitalized Femme! She is NOT a Saskatoon girl though. And I don’t really know what she thinks of me, if she’s thinking of me in a sexy way. I feel like the not living in proximity to each other is limiting, for sure, so I really don’t know. I feel like I want to get to know her better, but the internet is not the best way to learn someone’s dreams and desires and preferences. And you can’t kiss someone on the internet. I haven’t talked about her on here really because she makes me shy and I think she might read this once in a while. And in case you are wondering, I have kissed her and she is a GOOD KISSER! 😀

I like Butch-Femme relationships! They are my favorite! Butch-Butch doesn’t do it for me usually, but sometimes it has. I really appreciate Femme women because my dynamic with them is really sweet and I feel safe enough to let out my mushy squishy vulnerable side. And I think they are so beautiful. And I like being able to hold Femme women when they are telling me things that make them super vulnerable and feeling happy that they trust me that much.

My ex-girlfriend Amber Dawn (OMG! I am about to plug my ex!) has a piece in the book “Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme” called “To All the Butches I Loved Between 1995 and 2005: An Open Letter about Selling Sex, Selling Out, and Soldiering On” and I haven’t read it yet!!!! I am super curious, because we dated in 2000. And it WAS an intense relationship with a lot of fucking and talking and mornings spent in greasy spoons on Commercial and TRYING so hard and she was in the sex trade at the time and I’d never had ANY experience being in a intimate relationship with a sex worker. And I remember a lot of people gave me shit for dating someone who was in that kind of work, when there was SO MUCH other stuff going on with her too that was amazing and lovely to be around. And both of us were going through our own shit too. It was doomed from the start. But it also had really sweet and tender moments. I still remember going with her to see Chicken Run and she wanted a chicken pot pie after! :O

She wrote this really great line in it which is all I have seen so far. She wrote “Ours was an elbow-grease, adult-children-of-alcoholics, there-ain’t-no-such-thing-as-a-free-lunch butch-femme. That’s right, let’s say it again. Ours was a damaged-goods, bitter-pill, better-luck-next-time butch-femme.”

Yes it was, yes it was!

And I was undiagnosed. That was a mess!

I have no advice for people who are S.O.’s of a sex worker. I don’t think I did a very good job of it. I was worried about her most of the time, it was pretty stressful. And I didn’t have many people to talk about it with, because so many people thought bad things about my dating her simply because of prevailing idea that sex workers are low lifes. I didn’t like people making assumptions about her without meeting her or knowing all the things she was involved in like making trans-inclusive queer sex shows or writing her novel or doing performances.

Well, I guess I am still trying to sow seeds for a loving poly relationship to flourish in my life. It’s not going to happen with Rheanne, that is for sure! It’s funny, maybe I was attracted to her because I was curious about monogamy, which is ridiculous because she is not single anyway and won’t leave her partner. I just have this idea that monogamy is easier/lazier. But maybe it just gets boring or stifling or frustrating. I mean, hell, I don’t know, I’ve never been monogamous!

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