What Happens Next?

I’m at this really awkward phase in my recovery, where I have been sober for a number of months and want to continue improving my life, but don’t know what the next step is. It feels like being a gangly teenager who is really clumsy because they are unaware of the new proportions of their body. I am quitting smoking YET AGAIN! I haven’t had a cigarette since 1pm today, and for the last three days in a row I have woken up, had a couple puffs of butts, and then slapped on a patch and been smober for the rest of the day. It’s just hard getting through that morning bit. I really look forward to my morning smoke the most out of all my other smokes. It gets me out of bed and makes me feel satisfied for a little while. So it’s hard to let go of it. Other than that one time of day I am fine just wearing a patch.

But it’s not just quitting smoking. I want to do something MORE! Like make great art or get a job or SOMETHING! Last blog I mentioned how I want a relationship again, but I feel like that is out of my control. I started flossing today. I am going to try to floss every night before I brush my teeth and go to bed. I hear flossing adds years to your life. Literally! It’s one of the best things you can do. That and quitting smoking.

Tomorrow morning I am going to try NOT having my morning puffs. I am going to remain smokeless, ALL DAY! Hmm. I have ten bucks. I could spend it on one of those vapour smokes, those things that look like cigarettes but only have water vapour in them. But no, that just seems silly.

I lost my nicotine mints today, so I have had NONE! Just the damn patch. I am going to try and make a doctor’s appointment to see if Indian Affairs will pay for another round of patches for me, so I don’t have to shell out money I don’t have.

I also need to pay the rent. And I have gotten no money this month. I am going to call Social Services tomorrow and see about getting back on welfare temporarily. Like for a month or something. When I have been on welfare it hasn’t ever been for very long. Maybe four months at the most. I would get a year long pass to the Leisure Centres and cheap bus passes for six months. So that would be nice. Plus I would be able to pay my rent. Which would be a relief. Sigh!

The only thing that sucks about Welfare is that they don’t like you to make more than a couple hundred extra bucks a month, and as an artist sometimes spurts of cash come into my life, like my last artist fee payment from my distributor which was 1500 bucks because of a sale to a gallery. That was a while ago. And I know in late November I have a couple gigs that will get me cash. But that won’t be soon enough to pay my rent.

So la la la! Life, art, blah de blah. I applied for another job today. That makes three jobs I have applied for. No! Four jobs I have applied for! All officey jobs. Or customer service. I hope I get some calls for interviews! I was really hoping to hear back from one employer today, but I didn’t. Maybe tomorrow. I don’t know how long it is going to take them to go through applications.

And with all this going on I still have to write my scholarly paper for school. I need access to academic writings. I don’t have cash to buy books, and Mum doesn’t have cash to get a university library card. It sucks! I hate poverty.

Speaking of poverty, we didn’t have to buy our lottery tickets today! We won three free plays. Which is pretty awesome, because each free play is five dollars worth of tickets. And the next Lotto Max draw is for 50 million with 50 maxmillions, which are basically 50 additional draws for a million dollar prize! So we have 51 chances to win! 😀 That will keep my sad hopes up until Saturday when we check our tickets.

I haven’t started work on my Halloween costume yet. And I also have to write a fictional short story in two weeks if I want to be in this book, and I haven’t any ideas what to write about. Maybe I will get an idea. It snowed today, which was nice because I like when a season finally is upon us, instead of these weird transition periods.

Kind of like my life. I feel like as a sober person I am still going through some kind of transition. To a different life. A better life. Maybe if I have a full time job I will feel like I am getting somewhere. It would be nice to at least be able to start saving money for my move to Toronto. I’d feel a lot happier if I had five thousand dollars to move and live on for a while.

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