Deep Apprehension

I’m avoiding facebook right now because I’m finding my “friends” there to be more antagonistic and unsafe for me to interact with at this moment in time. What I really should do is claim my territory on my own spot on fb and do a mass unfriending. Because really there are just some shitty people who shouldn’t be able to comment on, react to, or see my stuff. But that’s such a headache. Really it makes the most sense tho. I’m just not ready to admit that my 700+ friends don’t all have my best interests at heart. It’s ridiculous though, I could easily cut 100 people and still have a network. Some people want to be my friends for work reasons though, but like, whatever, they can always ask me for my email or find me here. Like me posting 100 pictures of my dogs isn’t necessary for them to see to have a working relationship with me.

It’s just very frustrating when you know your friends and family don’t really respect you, or understand or validate that you have a range of emotions which are not going to all be complimentary towards them. And yes I am still pretty pissed off, but not going to punch a wall still. And I’m glad a couple of people checked in on me, including my Auntie Lori and an ex girlfriend. I’m pretty pissed at a couple of people in my family, who will remain nameless but will probably leave a shitty comment here anyway.

On the other hand, I haven’t logged into Facebook since around 1pm, and it’s actually kind of refreshing to not be inundated with ridicule. I know some people have left comments on my last posts, but I haven’t checked and part of me doesn’t really want to. Like I am genuinely expecting some shitty comments. On the OTHER hand, if I did go back and check and find some shitty comments, at least I will know who gets chucked out of my facebook “friends” list.

I had some shitty self harm urges today, but I’m ignoring them because I know how to cope with that shit. It’s just this shitty thing my brain goes to when I’m in distress. Like it’s so automatic, I don’t even know why. OMG but no one call the cops because if you really want to check in just call me. I’m not gonna jump off a bridge or anything. I just feel gross today because I’m disappointed in things the way they are. And even tho I feel gross and pissed off and in distress, I am not gonna cut myself or anything. Just blog and cry. I don’t know tho, do people think writing is self harm? I guess I piss some people off, but that’s not the same as me cutting up my arm. It’s all ideation anyway and nothing with an actual follow through. I’m just being honest about living with bipolar and having a couple of days of distress.

I’ve got shit to do this week though, so this blogging/crying thing is going to ease up for a while.

Having the dogs around is nice. They were being super cute and cuddly today. I had to go meet someone to do some storyboarding and audio recording today, but when I got back seeing the pups was nice. Even tho they are barky. I’m disappointed in certain people today. But like whatever, I know I can’t rely on people. And seriously the few people who did reach out made me feel a little better and validated my need to get off fb for a while.

I think maybe I should make an appointment with my therapist again soon. I have an appointment already, but sooner might be better.

I was on Twitter and Tumblr today instead, which was a nice alternative to fb. But didn’t have the same personal touch as fb. God why do I even want to go back to fb? It’s like an abusive relationship. Like I’m all “But it could change! Maybe if I prove I have feelings people will be nicer!” but it doesn’t work that way. But yeah, if I did some mass unfriendings I could possibly have a better experience there. There’s some people who have really pushed the envelope with me over time and I need to set some boundaries about it.

My Auntie Lori said maybe I feel raw because I just made a whole bunch of art. And that could be true. My last video which is showing in Vancouver was more personal and intimate than the other two comedies I did. I have a lot of feelings around it. And I’m literally naked and covered with dirt in it.

I’m not sure how long I’ll be off facebook. For all I know I might go back on later tonight. But on the other hand I have a lot of apprehension about the shit show my friends list is, and what shitty things people may have said. I was telling my Auntie how there’s this feeling I’ve only had since social media came around, where I know a comment is gonna be totally shitty and mean, BUT I also know I have to read it otherwise everyone else will read it and I won’t know what’s going on. And it’s this sinking in the pit of my stomach and a deep apprehension. It’s not fun and I have been feeling it a lot these days.

One thought on “Deep Apprehension

  1. You have to protect yourself and not expose yourself to toxic things. This is not the same thing as rejecting constructive criticism or having your head in the sand. This is taking care of your emotional self.
    There are some people out there who just like to gab about stuff and entertain themselves at the expense of others. They might not even know the harm they cause to others because if someone did the same to them, they wouldn’t be bothered by it. We’re all different that way.
    It would be like reading the comments section of a newspaper that you know will be full of racist or homophobic rants. It’s so enticing to know what they’re saying but it’s poison and bad for you to ingest. It’s better to just not read it. Even more so if you’re feeling delicate at the time.

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