Yesterday I finished the auditions, although I do have one character I am still casting for (Indigenous girl 14-16 [or Indigenous voice actor who sounds young] voice over can be anywhere in North America). But the auditions were pretty awesome, it was cool to see people inhabit the roles. And also to hear my words being spoken. And also to practice my lines with them while we talked. All the characters are speaking with the main character who I’m playing. It was also kind of interesting to get a hint of what the film might look/sound like. I’m like, the everything person on this short, which is new for me on a film of this size. I mean it’s just got a big cast and a crew of more than me and an assistant. And I have to think of set dec things and all that stuff. I printed off a photo but it’s the wrong size so I am going to do it again. It was an official photographic paper print, but yeah it wasn’t the right shape.

I also have to get some beer glasses and fake beer and a little pub/restaurant sign. And a string of lights. Ahh it’s going to be a bunch of things. I don’t shoot until September so it shouldn’t be too bad, I have time to figure it out.

I scheduled one whole day just for all the stuff in my apartment, but except for the end scene a lot of it is pretty easy short little things. The end scene is more emotional and I am trying to figure out the best way to perform it in front of a crew and also save my performance if I have issues with it. I think I can do it. If I have trouble I might try and shoot it myself with no one around, but that seems silly. And I always end up with blurry video when I do that, so it’s not a good plan. I definitely have to memorize my lines, which will be intense because I am so used to reading lines. But I can do it!

I’m so exhausted but I am still managing to stay on top of all the work stuff I have to do this week. Today I do more work. I have this career cobbled out of various gigs and projects and sometimes it is ok and sometimes it’s fucking hard. I am ok right now, some more money is coming in on Monday. Maybe even Friday! I have some cheques I need to take to the bank to cash. Blah that’s all boring ha ha. Artist gig economy.

I’m going to London for the day on Friday to take my keys back to Western. It’s going to be weird to turn them over, although in September I start my next artist in residence position. And October I will hear about a grant, and I have some other applications going in for things. I applied for a couple of jobs too, teaching gigs. So a bunch of stuff happening or not happening.

I got my doctor to put in a referral for me to get a hysterectomy because I’m tired of my fibroids. They are just real big and make things difficult like having to constantly pee (and this has been going on for a long time)! So if I’ve ever hung out with you and you’ve been like wow Theo pees a lot, I have to constantly drink fluids because of my meds and I have to constantly pee because my bladder is being compressed by the bag of oranges known as my uterus.

I’m tired of not being able to trust people. There are a lot of untrustworthy people in my community. That sounds so paranoid though. But I’m tired of my labour being exploited, my stories being stolen. My money being appropriated. It’s very frustrating. I get ideas all the time and the people I talk to about them is shrinking because I just don’t trust people not to take them. They’re good ideas! And I want to do stuff with them given time/money.

I’m also still working on this book but it’s being like, outlined I guess. And I’m so worried it will be taken by someone else. I’ve literally only told three people what the idea is and two are writers but I guess I trust them considering my relationship with each of them. And one is my Mom and she does visual art, not storytelling types of art. Not the kind I do anyway, so that seems fine. I hate having to be so protective but I guess I’ve just accepted that there are people who like to sabotage other artists/storytellers which fucking sucks. I also don’t want my idea getting out there when it’s still raw and not thought out carefully.

I also have a deadline coming up this month that I am working toward. I told some people about the idea because some of the content is specific to my family’s oral history.

OMG one time someone did a painting about my Great Great Grandfather Mistatimwas without knowing what actually happened and my Mom got so pissed and then the person who was friends with the artist was like “Well there are many truths” and I remember my mom being so pissed because we knew what happened due to oral stories and an actual written down story of how he was being doctored for a gatling gun wound when the supposed events happened in the painting. ANYWAY ha ha I do want to turn these oral stories into something, so I’m working on that. He was the War Chief at the Battle of Cutknife Hill and I think he never really got cred for it in his lifetime which bothered him. He ended up at Stoney Mountain Penitentiary for horse stealing, and never really got prosecuted for being the War Chief which tbh I think he kind of wanted instead of being forgotten. Because Poundmaker was the Peace Chief but got all the attention. So my ancestor kind of slipped into the past without recognition, even though his battle was successful in making the Canadian government retreat and be unable to massacre my tribe.

And I can totally get what that feels like, especially considering projects I have been a part of without getting credit for it except my name in the credits. Not the glory though. I mean I do get attention for other things, but there’s injustice in my Great Great Grandfather’s story and how he is widely remembered or not remembered that I recognize in my own life as an Indigenous trans creative. And I have no kids, so it seems like telling those old stories is important to me so at least someone hears them.