Oh man! This website needs some work. I have a webmistress who sometimes comes and helps but I’m not sure what’s she’s doing right now. I’m not hiring a new one though at this point I am just blabbing aloud.

I’m having a good end of my summer. I am shooting soon and things are coming together which is really nice. I’m excited, and also I need to practice my lines. I did write it but I don’t remember everything I’ve written. I’m doing some preproduction work this next week so that’s also cool.

I did a lot of reading between July 21 and August 21. In that time I read The Communist Manifesto, Pedagogy of the Oppressed, Wretched of the Earth, Freedom is a Constant Struggle, Giovanni’s Room, Notes from a Native Son, The Message, Perfect Victims, One Day Everyone Will Have Always Been Against This, The Origins of Totalitarianism, and The Man In The High Castle. Which is a lot of reading! I am sort of waffling on what to read next, I got Who’s Afraid of Gender by Judith Butler and a few others. I think probably Judith wins for next book though. Having a reading practice again has been so nice. I always felt so disconnected when I read things off my iPad. But this is more personal, to have a paper book.

I’ve been meeting lots of cuties these days which is nice because it’s summer and that’s great flirty/sexy time. I like connecting with people. But in smaller groups or more one on one. I’m not great with large groups because I get shy and boring. Not bored but boring because there’s not really anything coming out of me at those points.

Anyway! I thought my credit card got scammed but no I was fine I was just trying to buy legal drugs. I have had this crazy situation going on with this guy I met from Grindr who invited me to this group sex situation BUT getting involved would mean following a link to another site and giving my credit card. And I was like fuck this is how I’m gonna get scammed, trying to get into a secret group sex chat. Anyway it sounded too good to be true so I’m not signing up. I just think that’s sketchy! Ahhh ha ha but what a dumb scam to know I really was tempted. It’s too funny. But also maybe it is true and I’m missing out on an orgy, I have no idea lol.

I’m thinking a lot about the state of the world. I’m trying to understand what is going on with all of this. I think the reading is helping. I appreciate that it’s not information from social media.

I’m doing laundry and there was a power outage and I thought the machines would automatically start but no, I had to go and press start on all the machines. So we’re 34 min behind. Which seems like a good time to write a post.

I feel like things have changed within me since transitioning. Cis people always act like you’re a completely different person when you transition and for the longest time I thought no I am the same person. But also transitioning opened up so many new paths in my life that felt more possible and interesting than they had before. Like I did always want to be a slut, and now I am and it’s great. And I did want to go to the gym, and on testosterone I have enough energy to go and also to see gains. And I did want to play the guitar back when I was a 20 something but I never had money to buy a guitar and I guess the times I did have money I didn’t even think I had a right to play a guitar. So I think I was finally confident enough to try something I knew I would be bad at for a while.

I was practicing singing and discovered Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash is a really fun song to sing. And so I am learning it right now and it’s so funny, I play it and feel no good at it because I just got the tabs today, BUT it does already sound like the song. Which is the quickest I’ve picked up on a song, I can’t really play it yet because I don’t know all the parts. But it works, whatever it is doing, so I just need to get the right strumming pattern etc (which is mostly down but one upstrum before chord changes). It’s a complicated song but easier than Manic Depression. I am getting those fret-bends to work though which is cool so it’s starting to sound more like what it should be.

My goal for the end of this year is to be able to play and sing Ring Of Fire in front of an audience. I’m just doing the guitar school’s recital, no open mic nights, no big concert, no performance art, no busking ha ha.

But yeah anyway transition did change me but in good ways I think. I’m a lot happier in my personal life. Some people hate me more because I am a man, which is weird to get used to even though there was also hostility when I was a masculine woman. It seems people are just real cheap with who they think should be masculine/male I guess, and there’s that whole bullshit betrayal of the sisterhood thing too by transitioning. And certain people are super feminist but also misandrist so I’m stuck with that I guess, I love the feminism but the hate directed my way sucks. I try to limit people’s access to me when they are abusive though, so I don’t let it in as much. I know some people say misandry isn’t a thing, but it’s a thing. It doesn’t mean it has the same power structure as misogyny but it’s still discriminatory and can be used against marginalized people. Ahh that’s an essay for another day ha ha.

I need a break but I’m going to another country next month for a festival so I am getting a bit of a work vacation. Not really a vacation but a change of scenery. I’m hopeful that I get a travel grant but we’ll see.