It’s less than a week to my shoot! It’s next Saturday and Sunday. I’m struggling trying to get some dog care for the Sunday, Todd has to leave the house cause he gets jerky and I don’t want him to ruin takes. Posey is going with her old sitter though, so she’s going to have a lovely vacation. They love each other so I’m glad she gets to see her.

Posey has a surgery on Tuesday to get rid of a lump by her ear. It’s just been getting bigger and the vet said he had seen one before and we may as well remove it and test it. So that’s her job on Tuesday and then just healing up. My poor old lady. Senior dogs are so expensive, all kinds of weird and wacky things happen to them and it involves a lot of money in vet costs. Little Mister was the same, he became a frequent flyer at the vet. He was also the sweetest old man, and Posey is becoming the sweetest old girl too. Maybe not to everyone, but to me and I’m the one who spends the most time with her. She’s so adorable. Stinky breath tho.

I finished Who’s Afraid of Gender by Judith Butler this past week. A very satisfying read. I found it way more accessible than earlier stuff I had read of theirs. But also last time I read them I think I was in undergrad and I couldn’t grok all the words they used. But most words I didn’t have to look up this time around. I think I looked up Phantasm but that was about it. I appreciated the way they took down all the arguments and paranoias people are using against this huge umbrella of Gender. Like they explained how Gender was being used as a catch-all for trans issues, women’s issues, abortion, same-sex marriage, queer issues, etc. And also there was this great part where they were talking about “gender critical” feminists being terrified of trans women in bathrooms and asked if they got scared every time they changed their sons diapers and saw a penis. It’s true, penises are ridiculous things to be scared of. And they made this other hilarious comment about how most of the time they are flaccid anyway. They made a lot of great comments and they even got into colonization and how the binary sex model is a colonizer’s concept and many cultures around the world had space for genders outside of it. And also how translation issues bar gender from really being a universal word and that gender concepts change with different languages. It was a fascinating book. I would read it again.

Right now I have just started Living My Life by Emma Goldman. After reading her talk about her husband’s inability to get it up in Chapter Two, I am no longer going to feel bad about oversharing on my blog. I’ve been around some guys that couldn’t get it up but I don’t think I’ll put it in a book and name them. I guess none of them were my husbands or wives or spouses though since I haven’t had a husband or wife or spouse yet. It seems like she got a lot of grief for leaving him so maybe she was just being practical by explaining her decision honestly. Still pretty intense for 1931 ha ha! Anyway I was not sure how dry that book would be and it’s longer than the Origins of Totalitarianism (and honestly two books but I got the one where they are together) but already I am entertained and also learning a lot.

Remember that scene in The Matrix where Neo is downloading karate and he’s like “I know karate!” (Or kung fu I forget!) It’s like that. I’m downloading stuff that is more whole than the TikToks and memes that try to distill some of these messages for the masses. But it’s slow going, unlike the Matrix, because it’s a damn book. Still I’m glad I finally got back to reading. I feel like it’s improving my ability to make connections between things, which is important for my creative process.

I’m excited for my shoot but also nervous because the second day my shoot is happening during a local neighbourhood festival which means parking is going to be hard to find in the area. I think we can solve the issue by bringing the equipment here after the shoot on Saturday night, and then it doesn’t have to go back to the rental place until Monday when the festival is over. It’s still a big issue which I could have solved if I looked at the schedule. BUT OMG ok this festival…. I have lived here for 10 years (in this unit) and EVERY YEAR I have forgotten about this festival and had conflicting things going on. So I guess this year is no different. Luckily I am the only actor for the Sunday it’s here, so it’s just figuring out how my crew can get here that will be difficult.

SIGH this is why I like working with producers. But this is such a low budget film and I am the producer basically. And writer/director/actor which is a lot of hats to be wearing. I could also rent an Airbnb to shoot in but then that’s a whole other issue I don’t want to deal with because the set dec would be a pain in the ass.

Anyway it will be fine! It might also be noisy. I’m not sure. I guess we’ll find out, but usually the yard next door gets turned into a parking lot for this festival which is actually quieter than the yard normally. But also sometimes there’s crazy shit happening in the park. But also that could happen any time.

Yeah fun times ha ha ha.

I should mark this weekend down next year in case I try to plan during this festival again. Based on how long it takes between posts, I am sure by the next post you will find out how badly or well this went.

I’m in a good mood though. I’ve been learning singing. I’m learning Fast Horse by Tori Amos which has a lot of high notes, and the word Shackling has five syllables and five notes. So it’s a HARD song. But kind of fun and I think I’m doing pretty good on the shackling part. Here is the original if you are curious.

And there’s a Youtube karaoke of it, which is also helpful because those videos are what I’ve been using to sing along to. I originally wanted to sing Lady In Blue by Tori Amos (which might have been easier) but I couldn’t find a karaoke of Lady In Blue. Damn.

But I have noticed the days I do music I am happier. Whether it’s guitar or singing or both, I go to sleep feeling more satisfied with life. Even when nothing else exciting is going on. It’s really nice, also I sing along to songs more often just in daily life. ALSO I have been improvising on my guitars and was learning Ring of Fire and ended up playing an adapted improvised song for Todd when I was making fun of him the other day. He loved it! He loves music so hearing me sing his voice made him really happy and silly. TODD! He’s a sweetheart.

Also singing I think is improving my breath and how oxygenated I am. I always get a bit of a head rush after practicing which is cool. Like it does kind of feel like doing drugs it’s wild. It’s not drugs though it’s just how I breath and sing. And also I was reading that it increases happy brain chemicals. So that’s cool too.

It’s hard to believe now that it’s only been a year with my guitar. I feel like it helped me grow so much. And when I started I felt like I had no right to call myself a musician, and now I’m realizing I can start accepting that title. I think I’m still such a beginner though. But learning Ring of Fire has been awesome and my guitar teacher said that I did really well with it just in the week since he showed me the tabs. So that’s nice, it’s a fun song too! But I mean I am picking things up faster now than before. And I am starting to appreciate music more and see how it’s composed when I’m listening. Before it just seemed like pretty sounds but now I know why it’s pretty, if that makes sense.

Anyway I have a lot of work to do so I can’t write more today. But hopefully the next post is about my shoot going awesomely.