My real diary hasn’t gotten many entries this semester as I’m usually too tired on the days I am working, and I close my diary on my computer all the time I’m working too so that my students don’t find out rude things about my sex life they really don’t need to know. It’s kind of weird having a computer that is routinely hooked up to a projector. All kinds of personal things are on my computer! Anyway so far so good.

I’m really looking forward to the end of the semester, as are my students.

I feel like there’s so many things I want to do and I need to work on my priorities. Like making music has been fun, and so has making films, and teaching has been fun and so is writing. But sometimes I get anxious about how much time I actually have to pursue my interests.

Also! I have discovered that except for going on Grindr and Scruff to find hookups, I really haven’t been doing fuck all in terms of looking for an actual partner. Also I’ve discovered my desire has changed and I think I want to be with a man as a partner. Although sometimes I meet women that I have massive crushes on. So it’s a bit of confused bisexual times over here. But also I’ve discovered that I’m having difficulty letting myself love men, I think just because of how much misandry was around me. Not like misandry is a structural oppressive system it’s just a whatever thing. But it is oppressing my heart and I think probably my own self esteem to boot. I know my parental figure doesn’t think there’s anything to like about men, so it’s been hard for me to grow up liking myself knowing I was likely a boy/man. I just felt it was easier to say boys are assholes. And some are but not all and I’ve never really aspired to toxic masculinity. But that’s a type of masculinity, I like to think I have a more gentle masculinity. Gentle not feminine. I don’t know, I just know I’ve been around a lot of people one could call man haters and it’s really fucked over my sense of self. Maybe if I was more obviously a boy growing up I would have bonded with men more.

I feel pretty solid in terms of my relationships with other trans men. I have trans men I’ve been friends with for years and never felt that they were toxic or anything. There’s some kind of barrier for me with cis men though and I’m not sure what it is.

One issue I’ve noticed is that some guys on Grindr don’t recognize my gender, they only recognize my genitals, and that’s annoying as hell. Even as a bottom I feel like a man and not a woman when I’m having sex. So yeah, less of that. Another thing I have noticed is I just don’t have a gay male friend group. I have queer men who are friends, but not queer men who will go to the bar with me.

I went to a gay bar on the weekend and I felt kind of out of place. But I also feel out of place at women and trans nights. So I’m trying to figure out how to acclimatize to queer mens spaces because those are where I find the sexy guys. BUT ALSO I want to be open to kissing some guys big beardy face and telling him I love him and I’m just not there yet. ALSO I’m watching facial hair come in at a glacial pace and some part of me feels like I would be more comfortable in mens spaces if I also had a beard. So it’s a lot of complicated things.

Anyway I gotta go teach. I love making stuff but also falling in love has been a nice feeling in the past and I kind of miss it. I’m learning to sing Your Song by Elton John but I have no one to sing it to.