I was away for a week acting in a film where I had to wear a big beard. It was made with real hair and omg eating while wearing it was some level of hell ha ha. I decided maybe my facial hair dysphoria is not so bad after all. I think if I had a beard I would trim it way down or shave it off completely. It was kind of nice to touch but also just bleh! Maybe if it was my own hair and not glued on with spirit gum I would have different feelings about it. I think I could do a moustache, but a full on goatee? Maybe not. Still it was a unique experience. There was only one day that sucked with it on and it’s because I got it on hours before I was needed in front of the camera. Otherwise while working it was cool.

I haven’t been on a film set in a long time where I wasn’t the boss, so it was actually pretty chill. I just had to remember lines and hit the marks etc. I hope it looks okay, we’ll see! I had to learn how to play squash and I only had one lesson. Still I managed to hit the ball three times in a row on film at least once, so hopefully that is helpful.

I also got to see my dad and stepmom which was nice. They’ve known each other forever so they were kind of bickering in the truck, it was very funny. I also got to eat TacoTime and Trifon’s Pizza. I guess there’s something called Saskatchewan Pizza which Trifon’s is a shining example of, and every time I’m in Regina I have to order from there. It’s loaded up with a ton of meat, it’s so good. Probably if I ate it all the time I would get gout though. BUT it was lovely. And we don’t have TacoTime in Toronto so it was nice to eat there too.

The wrap party was really cute and fun but I was the first to leave because I was exhausted and extremely drunk. I forgot to chug a non-alc drink before bed so when I woke up I was extremely hungover and that was no fun.

I didn’t smoke weed the whole time I was away. I basically haven’t smoked up since before then too, because I decided I wanted to protect my lungs and was getting a respiratory weird thing. So I thought it might be because of smoking and wanted to see if it went away. It’s this weird shortness of breath that lasts a second, it seems like the beginning of a panic attack but no racing heart and it goes away. But sometimes it will happen over and over. While I was on set it went away, so I thought maybe it was because of smoking up. But then I was in the Regina airport coming home and sitting next to a jungle gym with screaming children in it and reading social media and it started happening again. I was talking about it with my therapist today who thinks it might be anxiety.

It really does seem extremely tied to being on specific social media sites. I don’t get it when I’m looking at Reddit, so ironically that’s mostly what I have been reading lately. I follow subreddits that are mostly community and hobby focused, so it’s not really as much of an issue as being on facebook or instagram which have algorithms that are targeting me on my fears. I get a lot of really backhanded “pro” trans content but it’s like “this awful thing happened to a trans person and we know that’s bad.” Which is not good for my mental health and just puts me in a state of alarm. And some trans influencers also sort of bank on this anxiety inducing content. And I know shit is bad, but it’s obviously affecting me physically if I can’t even look at facebook anymore because it’s triggering anxiety.

So I used to be really engaged in social media but I’m trying to pivot and focus more on things like reading books, playing my guitar and keyboard and singing, watching videos, and doing my creative projects. Youtube videos were starting to give me more anxiety too because I was watching tarot and they always talk about terrible people and I’m starting to notice that’s not healthy for me either. My therapist was talking about how social media is really playing on my fears because angering content is what drives engagement. So yeah, no more engagement. I’m not deleting my profiles, but I am spending less time on there.

I’ve also realized since quitting smoking weed that I’m not missing it very much. I did like thc a lot, but I can have edibles when I want, and not having all that smoke around is letting me taste and smell things better again. So yeah. Even the drinking, while the wrap party was fun I think I’m going to go back to occasional drinking, because I really didn’t drink the rest of the week and didn’t miss it much either.

I didn’t get any classes for the fall, so I’m doing some other temporary work and working on my projects. I still haven’t heard about one grant. I did apply for another grant from somewhere else. The ongoing grant applications. I really just want basic income. I still haven’t touched my novel yet, I am waiting until September, possibly October, so it has a nice break from when I finished the first draft. But I want to get a second draft done this fall and send it to some friends to read at Christmas and probably take a break until after my winter term is done. Which might be how long it takes people to read it and get back to me with suggestions/notes/observations. I am also going to get back into editing my Unsettled Climate project. So that’s what is up. I also need to finish a script, which I am going to try and work on tomorrow.

But today, besides going to therapy, is a day off for me, so I am home with my dogs again and resting. Trying to stay off the anxiety inducing media. I gotta take the dogs out for a walk but right now we are all sacked out on the couch. I got a referral to a neurosurgeon, I think I wrote about that here, but I haven’t found out when my first appointment is yet. I really hope it’s this fall. But who knows.