So this morning super early I went to the hospital and waited to see the neurosurgeon. And I was told it would be 2 to 4 hours for her to see me, but I only waited an hour and then she showed up. And she asked me a bunch of questions about symptoms and what appeared when and I went through all the things I could think of. And then she had me walk to the door and back. And she asked what my meds were and substance use. And she basically said my brain is atrophied but it’s probably because of the bipolar and adhd stuff. And that my walking is fine. Which is basically what the other doctor said. But she actually answered questions so I felt better about the second diagnosis. She said my lifespan should be normal (which in my family is 90 years old) and when I asked how to keep it from getting smaller then she said to try to avoid substances, although she recognized I might have reasons for doing them. Like she wasn’t judgey. But basically just you know, a weird small bipolar/adhd brain on medication, nothing to worry about. She didn’t say weird, I said weird cause I think it’s kind of a funny word and how I feel about my brain anyway. Better weird than abnormal.
It’s strange because I was trying to be prepared for any possibility, including dying. And then she’s just telling me I’ll continue being disabled but generally fine. I have no problems with having bipolar and adhd. I’m old and I take meds that more or less work. So it’s not like, I’ve devastated by knowing I’ll continue having those disabilities. But suddenly not dying, that’s kind of amazing. I mean I could walk outside and get hit by a car tonight, you never know. But I don’t automatically have a death sentence so that’s nice. It’s a weird feeling. I was all like “You never know death could come at any time I have to live in the moment and never waste it!” And now I still kind of feel that way but also am less scared that it’s going to happen right now. But I do feel like you never know and you shouldn’t put off things that make you happy.
Tomorrow I am going to karaoke with my friends and I’m excited about it. I need to sing. I need to celebrate. And I guess I can’t celebrate with substances, or I can but in moderations. But also it’s just adding to these changes in my habits that I’m trying to work on to be healthier and live longer. I have stuff to do I need to somehow survive all of this!
Anyway. I interviewed someone from my Unsettled Climate doc for a second time and found out where they were now and how they are doing and it’s like, bam, that’s so many things I was hoping to hit on in this documentary. And I checked in with another person and where they are now and that is also going to be an interesting interview. I’ve also been collecting footage from stock footage sites and that’s been really helpful, because I’m not able to travel as much with this but there are notable events mentioned and also footage of those events that are not overly expensive to buy. I’m really excited about being able to finish this project this next year.
I was talking with my therapist about consciousness and this sort of existential journey I went through seeing my brain and trying to connect that with who I am like, at my core. And she said something about the brain not being the only place in our body we inhabit, like emotions have effects on hearts too and other organs. And then I was talking about how I don’t know how much of my consciousness is my body and how much comes from the spirit or soul that is driving it. Like, what if having a spirit means your consciousness is connected to something really vast? Then the brain is really such a small part of what makes you you.
I’ve been having really spiritual feelings recently. Not Jesus/Christian feelings. I mean like, feeling like I want to do things that protect my spirit. Like there’s a lot of queer men who do party and play (aka chemsex), and I don’t feel comfortable around those guys. I heard a story from a friend that her reserve has a big dark spirit that goes from house to house and the houses it goes to have people using meth inside. And it skips the houses where people smudge on a regular basis. And I believe that story because of what I’ve seen spiritually when I’ve been around drug use. There’s some stuff that gets attracted to specific things like that. I don’t know what it is. I suppose a Christian would say it’s demonic. I don’t really use those words. But I think some negative energies come around, or negative spirits. And I don’t know what people have to do to get it to go away, like if there’s specific rituals or something. I suppose smudging helps. But I don’t want to have people over doing meth and then smudge the house after, like ew, just don’t come over or around me with that stuff. I don’t like encouraging negative energy to hang around me. That would be the worst!
Anyway I think my feeling of my consciousness being connected to a larger spirit makes me want to try to be a more spiritual person. Not like, a puritan, or even a medicine person. Just taking care of my spirit so I can be connected more deeply to who I am.