My website has been SLOW to sign into, so sometimes I try and then don’t make a post. I have time this afternoon though AND managed to sign in, so here I am.

I’m doing. Ha ha I meant to type I’m doing ok, but honestly I’m doing is about right. I’ve been keeping myself busy. I practice guitar almost every day. Right now I am learning Manic Depression and it is VERY difficult but I’m managing parts. Not the whole thing. But it’s getting better. I’m also having my fourth singing lesson today. I am improving! I can even tell based on my recordings over the last few weeks of me singing, I sound a lot better. Not so strained, breathing is a bit better, matching pitch a little more.

I don’t remember if I mentioned I was quitting smoking weed. I still do edibles, but the no smoking has been doing great. I am getting my sense of smell back, I don’t have that pothead odour anymore, my lungs feel a lot better, and my throat is not so scratchy. I just wonder if even not breathing super heated air has made a difference because that probably is damaging on its own to soft tissue.

I am reading a lot of books. I read One Day, Everyone Will Have Always Been Against This by Omar El Akkad, and Regarding the Pain of Others by Susan Sontag, and now I’m trying to get through The Origins of Totalitarianism by Hannah Arendt which is a much longer book than the other ones. So it will be a while with it I think. I’ve only gotten about 60 pages in but I already learned a lot more than I knew before.

I don’t know, I’m trying to get context for what the hell is going on in the world. And so actually reading books about it is giving me different parts of what is going on. It’s helpful. More helpful than trying to trust TikTok that’s for sure. I know there’s genuine newsworthy videos out there, but there’s also so much propaganda from so many different governments that I don’t entirely trust what is online right now. I mean I don’t trust it at all really.

Not to say that everything in every book is true. But it is different.

It’s also just a way for me to reduce my time on social media. Ideally I would only ever be on FB for an hour a day, but I know it’s way more than that and I don’t like it. It’s very similar to when I was on Twitter/X and finally realized it was all lies and I couldn’t trust anything there. I remember deleting my profile there and not missing it because it was so anger inducing by the end anyway. A lot of social media is relying on my anger to keep me scrolling. So it’s hard.

And yeah the guitar practice/learning is also helping me get off social media. And last week I made it to the gym three times which was more time off social media and in the world. I went swimming with some friends and I’m just trying to enjoy the summer before it’s over.

I’m also getting ready for my shoot. I have actors, I have a crew, I have locations. We are having a table read this week and then the shoot is in September. So I’m happy about that, I love making films. I am kind of always working on a film.

I’m not really dating anyone at the moment. There’s some regular hookup partners though. But I’m kind of having a good time on my own. And I guess I just want to fall in love like it’s a surprise. Who knows! Maybe I’ll fall in love with someone famous and kind. I have no clue.

I’m also attending more gatherings of people to talk about issues and things. Like, in person. I did those Flaherty pod things earlier this summer, and another gathering this past weekend about the crisis in arts institutions right now in particular over censorship and silencing.

Also though I am comprehending more and more how certain people/countries/corporations are making a lot of money off of the genocide in Gaza. Like weapons manufacturers, people who want the land, people who are selling the gas, people who are weapons testing, people who own stocks in the weapons manufacturers, bulldozer companies, AI corporations, it’s fucking nuts that we live in a world that thinks that this kind of thing is an acceptable industry. The Industry of war, only this isn’t war it’s genocide. Either way it’s really distressing to see billionaires have no ethics or morals about using their technology to destroy a population. I mean the fact they are billionaires already means they have no ethics or morals. But these are the people in charge.

I really think we desperately need wealth redistribution because this is unsustainable. I’m just one person though so I can’t do a lot I guess. Or maybe I can I don’t know. I know I have a platform just by having this blog so I should at least use it.

It seems we are being shown how powerless we are. At least that’s my assumption based on the fact that western governments are still acting against the people’s wishes in regards to this. I’m fucking tired of Mark Carney releasing these reputation “saving” statements to tell Israel to chill while still sending weapons to Israel. It’s hypocritical and we all know he’s doing it, it does nothing to stop the genocide and it doesn’t seem urgent to him either.

I’ve been disappointed in the Canadian government for a long time though. They did do that aid drop, although aid drops are fucking dangerous and really we should be opening the roads for aid. Argh again frustrated that I have only so much power. I could write a letter I guess. I don’t know that is helping.

In the meantime, against a backdrop of this world being the saddest place, I’m still learning to sing and play guitar and at some point the two will come together. And at some point I will write a real song. And I guess I don’t know what I’m doing with this skill. Do I want to be in a band? Do I want to be a solo singer/songwriter? Do I want to just be a songwriter and sell songs to singers? Ha ha I don’t even know! We never really had musicians in my family. I might just use it for videos. But who knows. I wish I could take a musician aptitude test and find out what it thinks I should do. Maybe there’s a Buzzfeed quiz somewhere.

Watching this genocide has been disgusting. I try to repost things but I don’t know how many personal statements I’ve made. Seeing it go this far, and seeing Western governments try to cling to some premise of innocence, is so disturbing. Four generations ago my Great Grandfather Josie Cuthand was just a little boy when our family was being starved by the Canadian government. Our family raided a store to get food. Because we raided a store, an army regiment was sent to assault us at Cutknife Hill. We weren’t only warriors, there were women and children and babies too I’m sure. My Great Great Grandfather Mistatimwas was the War Chief and helped us repel the settlers, but still he was hit in the belly with a shot from a gatling gun (a precursor to machine guns). He survived. Josie left for Montana and became a Landless Cree until Cree refugees were allowed back into Canada where we were placed on our reserves, which were not really in our territory since we used to be closer to the border (and constantly crossing the border which didn’t exist yet).

Anyway, all that to say that starvation has been used as a tool for genocide for hundreds of years, and Canada proudly stands on that history of blood and hunger. I do not believe Canada is forever, I don’t believe any country is forever. But I think they did manage to escape true justice (so far). I’m four generations on from Josie and I am still a poor person. I still have trouble scraping together rent. And what is going to happen to the survivors of Gaza four generations from now? Will they be afraid of dying from freezing cold and hunger the way that fear still lives in me? Who will survive? Who will protect them when the richest people of the world are literally living for this moment, the chance to show us all their might and how they can wipe us too off the planet?

When this began I and a lot of people could see where this was heading. Israeli leaders were making very clear statements of Genocidal Intent not long after Oct 7, they knew what they were asking for and had no qualms about openly advocating for the annihilation of a people. Despite the fact that the same thing happened to Jewish people in the Holocaust. They even framed it as getting back at the Nazis, never mind the real Nazis were in Germany and Europe and had migrated to countries all over the world and continue to spread fascist ideas. In fact, the Germans joyfully armed them to commit genocide. My country did too, Canada is not innocent at all, we keep providing military hardware to Israel.

And yet at the beginning of this, even knowing what was coming, I was worried about being blacklisted for saying no to genocide. Oh sure they tried to tip toe around the genocide word, but we all saw them say the same kinds of things about Palestinians as Canadians said about Indigenous people and Germans said about Jewish people. And those words all lead to one place: Genocide.

Canadians love to disagree about the terms of genocide they engaged in. They said it was “cultural genocide” completely erasing the mass graveyards at Residential Schools which we had known about for a long time. They said “cultural genocide” when we saw them take children from our communities to brainwash them into Christianity and allow pedophiles to rape and abuse them. It is not cultural genocide, Canada committed Genocide period.

Someday maybe Israelis will admit to cultural genocide, but probably like Canadians will never admit they had policies which led to mass slaughter and death.

I’ve been reading books these days, something I had given up for a while because of my ADHD. But I read Pedagogy of the Oppressed and half of Wretched of The Earth and I’m really thinking about some of the things they said, including that in every oppressed person they have an inner oppressed person and an inner oppressor. And while I disagreed with a few things in the books (I think animals have consciousness and I practice more tribal spirituality) I do agree we have inner oppressors. And I suppose seeing what Israelis have done to Palestinians makes me realize they too have an old brutal oppressor internally.

I don’t think everyone follows their internal oppressor. But I think in the right circumstances it comes out and joyfully oppresses others. I see it in the lateral violence in the Indigenous community. We don’t have a group we have power over except each other. So gang members torture women to death, professors make posts with lies about community members to try and ruin their lives, people sabotage each others projects and steal each other’s ideas. It’s a brutal world when the oppressed crush each other when they can.

But this is an external display of the oppressor. Armed by the worst bully in the world, America, with money extorted from the poorer countries of the world. People thinking they are getting revenge from the Holocaust by causing another Holocaust on people who weren’t even persecuting them in Europe. But they’re brown people. And that’s the other thing.

It’s Jewish Supremacy wreaking havoc on this part of the world but it’s working in service to White Supremacy. It’s being the foot soldiers of the West so they can access gas reserves off the coast of Gaza. It’s another war for resources.

And that’s why the rich encourage it. They don’t have morals, they have no feelings when they see children be murdered. They have no morals because they hoard so much money that they won’t even be able to use in their lifetimes. It’s a moral defect to be obscenely wealthy, and money needs to be redistributed and billionaires need to be outlawed.

And yet we’re here, the poor, the riff raff, trying to make change, trying to shout into the void until SOMEONE listens, until SOMEONE stops it. And no one is stopping it, no one who actually has power anyway. This world is sick and diseased by capitalism and we’re being subjected to this so that the rich can test weapons they will eventually use on us to get further resources.

And maybe I’ve been blacklisted. I don’t know. If there are (and there are) lists of people being passed around who are calling out Israel for it’s genocide against the Palestinians, someday I hope people on those lists get credit for pulling the alarm for one of the most cruel and inhuman genocides in recent memory. I hope the people who have been silent or continued to push Israeli propaganda one day feel ashamed. I hope those IDF soldiers are prosecuted in every country they try to vacation in. I hope the rich who are making billions off war crimes some day face justice and have their wealth stripped from them.

I no longer believe in a heaven, or in a justice in the afterlife. I am not going to live my life thinking people get what is coming to them after we die. I want people to see justice in this lifetime. I want people to be called to account for their crimes against humanity. And I want this genocide to end, and Western governments to beg for forgiveness and never get it.

I had my first singing lesson today! I felt my voice crack a couple of times. But he checked my range (baritone but he thinks I can do some high notes) and taught me four different vocal exercises I can do each day. Then he asked me to sing a song so I picked LA Woman and sang the first five minutes. I didn’t remember it as well as I thought I did. All my old karaoke songs were with my old range, so I don’t really know what my go-to singing songs are. Anyway he is getting me to learn to sing Yesterday by the Beatles because it’s got a melody to it, and also Stupid Girl by Garbage because I think my range overlaps Shirley Manson’s range. So I practiced Yesterday along with the recording because it’s easier to match pitches when I can hear how it’s being sung. I’m going to try a karaoke version soon though. Anyway it was kind of crazy I have SUCH a huge block around singing but yeah I sang a song in front of someone which is CRAZY I didn’t know I would be able to do it and then I did it. Like I cannot express how huge this block I have had around music is. The guitar was a good intro to being musical, but adding singing is so personal. And people have such extremely strong feelings about what peoples voices sound like. And I also have a brand new voice relatively speaking since it’s only changed in the last few years.

Friday will be THREE YEARS on testosterone, so I think my voice is basically in the range it’s going to be in, but it might keep changing I guess. I can kind of learn how to control the range now though.

Three years that’s amazing. So much has changed! It feels like there were a whole bunch of internal changes, like on a soul level. I opened up to things like exercising and learning an instrument that brought out new things in me. And physically things got way better. I’m stronger, my voice is deeper, I have a few more hairs, I have male pattern baldness which tbh I had hair loss problems before T. But yeah! And I like protein way more, I have bigger genitals, no more unexplained boob pain since top surgery. I am more confident and I think also more curious. Also I’ve been having a lot more sex, like, A LOT more sex. Before I was lucky if I had sex once a year. Now I had sex with a bunch of guys just in the last week (I’m not always that active though). I feel a lot better when I have casual sex, I’m able to be like “Well that was fun” whereas on a mostly estrogen system I would be like “Ok let’s get married now!” Anyway yeah casual sex is great. Relationships are great too. I think I’ve just mostly been interested in my own stuff these last three years more than feeling pressure to get a partner. I mean I have lovers. But no main person. But I kind of like the freedom that comes with that right now.

And learning music has been so fun. And even today, finally singing in front of someone even though I suck at this point and I know it, it was a BIG STEP.

I also finally sang while playing guitar today. I was learning Yellow Submarine because it’s an easy song and I know all the chords. And it’s a song I’ve known for a long time. And the chords are either all down strums or down up strums. Super easy! So yeah I finally FINALLY sang with a song. It’s like a peanut butter cup, guitar and singing together at last! Anyway I might make a video of it after a couple more singing lessons. I am doing them once a week and still learning guitar. Right now I am learning Manic Depression by Jimi Hendrix, which is looking intimidating at all the bends but I’m not there yet.

The other cool part of this is that I am learning more about my own voice which I am naturally interested in for trans reasons. I found out what my vocal range is for my chest voice and head voice so that is kind of cool. I wish I had a keyboard but dammit I don’t have enough space.

I don’t know what I am going to do as a singer songwriter type person. I do know I’ve started having fun when I improvise every day. I learn so many interesting musical things that might be new or are new to me anyway.

I also started reading Franz Fanon today. I bought The Wretched of the Earth and read On Violence. It was so good but I forgot to take my Vyvanse until I was almost finished reading that part, so I might read it again.

I was thinking about how it feels to know liberation might not happen in our lifetime, and how we leave behind all these ideas and codes and things in the hope that someone in the future will be able to free themselves from stuff that seems insurmountable right now. Maybe I won’t see the happy beginning in my lifetime. But maybe I can help people prepare for a happy beginning in the future. I don’t know, things are very grim right now. Even while I’ve been learning all this musical stuff, I still see the genocide in Gaza on my socials like everyone, and it’s so dire right now. I don’t know why the big powers are torturing people like this, it’s so disturbing. And the underlying threat of colonization that it could be us next. It’s very depressing.

I want capitalism to fall. And I think it might. But if it doesn’t in my life time, then I hope I can leave enough beautiful clues in my art for someone to liberate themselves. Capitalism and colonization are two sides of the same thing. I think they both need each other to continue.

I’m starting singing lessons on Monday after waffling for a long time about it. It’s not super expensive and they are short lessons. And I can quit whenever. So that’s exciting, I hope I like my instructor. I picked a dude because I have a dude voice. So we’ll see how it goes. I’m so nervous about singing it’s this major block I have because of how I was raised. Like music was a shameful thing, ESPECIALLY singing! So I never really got to explore my singing voice because of my own internal blocks around it. I sometimes wonder if colonization has anything to do with why my family was against singing. Like maybe because our ceremonies and stuff were outlawed? I don’t know, all I know is I have this internal barrier against singing that I want to crack. PLUS it would improve my guitar playing because it’s easier to tell where you are in a song if you’re singing it. And I’m not sure I want to be a musician except I guess I am now ha ha. But I guess I feel like a baby still musician wise. Maybe in a year I would want to play with people, like jamming. Two musician friends who have seen my videos of me playing say I’m pretty good. Which is encouraging even tho I just see all the errors still.

BUT I don’t know if I wrote about this here, but I’ve had a real explosion of creative ideas over this last year and I am starting to think that learning music opened up a creative channel. Like deeply emotionally impactful stories are just hitting and coming out of the woodwork and old stories are merging with new stories and becoming something much more interesting. It’s been really nice to see this internal renaissance of creativity just because I started learning an instrument.

Also I’ve noticed that I have a different experience with music now because I have a physical connection to it, while before it was more disembodied. It’s cool to realize that and not something I really anticipated.

I’m doing good otherwise! Completed a work thing today so now I can move on to other things. I have to work on a feature script that is VERY MUCH bumped to the back of the line over and over but I have to put it first on Monday. I got a grant for it and I know when I write it it won’t take so long. I know a lot more about scriptwriting than I used to, it doesn’t take soooooo long to write. But damn I just need a draft so I can get the final report in, it’s so delayed!

Dogs are arguing with each other next to me. Sigh.

I’m concerned by how many people are using Generative AI. There’s people telling them all their deepest secrets and getting pushed towards harmful delusions and ChatGPT psychosis. Also people are losing cognitive ability by letting ChatGPT write all their stuff. I’m honestly concerned we are going to have a generation of people who go through school and come out completely uneducated because they let ChatGPT write all their papers. I’m also worried about talking to people online who are using chatgpt to talk to me and not actually writing it themselves. I will never use AI like that. All my bad ideas and errors are my own.

Yesterday I finished the auditions, although I do have one character I am still casting for (Indigenous girl 14-16 [or Indigenous voice actor who sounds young] voice over can be anywhere in North America). But the auditions were pretty awesome, it was cool to see people inhabit the roles. And also to hear my words being spoken. And also to practice my lines with them while we talked. All the characters are speaking with the main character who I’m playing. It was also kind of interesting to get a hint of what the film might look/sound like. I’m like, the everything person on this short, which is new for me on a film of this size. I mean it’s just got a big cast and a crew of more than me and an assistant. And I have to think of set dec things and all that stuff. I printed off a photo but it’s the wrong size so I am going to do it again. It was an official photographic paper print, but yeah it wasn’t the right shape.

I also have to get some beer glasses and fake beer and a little pub/restaurant sign. And a string of lights. Ahh it’s going to be a bunch of things. I don’t shoot until September so it shouldn’t be too bad, I have time to figure it out.

I scheduled one whole day just for all the stuff in my apartment, but except for the end scene a lot of it is pretty easy short little things. The end scene is more emotional and I am trying to figure out the best way to perform it in front of a crew and also save my performance if I have issues with it. I think I can do it. If I have trouble I might try and shoot it myself with no one around, but that seems silly. And I always end up with blurry video when I do that, so it’s not a good plan. I definitely have to memorize my lines, which will be intense because I am so used to reading lines. But I can do it!

I’m so exhausted but I am still managing to stay on top of all the work stuff I have to do this week. Today I do more work. I have this career cobbled out of various gigs and projects and sometimes it is ok and sometimes it’s fucking hard. I am ok right now, some more money is coming in on Monday. Maybe even Friday! I have some cheques I need to take to the bank to cash. Blah that’s all boring ha ha. Artist gig economy.

I’m going to London for the day on Friday to take my keys back to Western. It’s going to be weird to turn them over, although in September I start my next artist in residence position. And October I will hear about a grant, and I have some other applications going in for things. I applied for a couple of jobs too, teaching gigs. So a bunch of stuff happening or not happening.

I got my doctor to put in a referral for me to get a hysterectomy because I’m tired of my fibroids. They are just real big and make things difficult like having to constantly pee (and this has been going on for a long time)! So if I’ve ever hung out with you and you’ve been like wow Theo pees a lot, I have to constantly drink fluids because of my meds and I have to constantly pee because my bladder is being compressed by the bag of oranges known as my uterus.

I’m tired of not being able to trust people. There are a lot of untrustworthy people in my community. That sounds so paranoid though. But I’m tired of my labour being exploited, my stories being stolen. My money being appropriated. It’s very frustrating. I get ideas all the time and the people I talk to about them is shrinking because I just don’t trust people not to take them. They’re good ideas! And I want to do stuff with them given time/money.

I’m also still working on this book but it’s being like, outlined I guess. And I’m so worried it will be taken by someone else. I’ve literally only told three people what the idea is and two are writers but I guess I trust them considering my relationship with each of them. And one is my Mom and she does visual art, not storytelling types of art. Not the kind I do anyway, so that seems fine. I hate having to be so protective but I guess I’ve just accepted that there are people who like to sabotage other artists/storytellers which fucking sucks. I also don’t want my idea getting out there when it’s still raw and not thought out carefully.

I also have a deadline coming up this month that I am working toward. I told some people about the idea because some of the content is specific to my family’s oral history.

OMG one time someone did a painting about my Great Great Grandfather Mistatimwas without knowing what actually happened and my Mom got so pissed and then the person who was friends with the artist was like “Well there are many truths” and I remember my mom being so pissed because we knew what happened due to oral stories and an actual written down story of how he was being doctored for a gatling gun wound when the supposed events happened in the painting. ANYWAY ha ha I do want to turn these oral stories into something, so I’m working on that. He was the War Chief at the Battle of Cutknife Hill and I think he never really got cred for it in his lifetime which bothered him. He ended up at Stoney Mountain Penitentiary for horse stealing, and never really got prosecuted for being the War Chief which tbh I think he kind of wanted instead of being forgotten. Because Poundmaker was the Peace Chief but got all the attention. So my ancestor kind of slipped into the past without recognition, even though his battle was successful in making the Canadian government retreat and be unable to massacre my tribe.

And I can totally get what that feels like, especially considering projects I have been a part of without getting credit for it except my name in the credits. Not the glory though. I mean I do get attention for other things, but there’s injustice in my Great Great Grandfather’s story and how he is widely remembered or not remembered that I recognize in my own life as an Indigenous trans creative. And I have no kids, so it seems like telling those old stories is important to me so at least someone hears them.

It’s Friday night! Ha ha. Anyway, I am home, I’m trying to take it easy because I am doing auditions for the next five days. 5 tomorrow and 6 on Sunday! I feel they probably won’t take a super long time, but everyone is in an hour slot except for a couple of voice over auditions. But I think it’s more like 15-20 minutes each. 30 if they are auditioning for more than one part. But I will be home all day tomorrow and Sunday.

And I keep getting messages from potential new hookups and there’s really no time for them. Which is too bad I guess. But I only have to do this heavy work stuff for five days then it’s back to assorted jobs and things.

A heat wave is coming so it’s just as well that I’ll be sticking to the indoors this weekend.

I’m trying to figure out how to get more money in my life. I feel like I have the skills that could make a lot of money. I have all the stories. It’s just a lot trying to break into an industry that now is scared of fascists and capitulating to their fascist desires in advance. ESPECIALLY as a transgender director, because my art is taboo just for who I am.

Sometimes people will ask about my work like it’s shocking. Shocking is such a weird word. I don’t know, it comes across as judgmental to me. It’s also unpleasant when it’s just your life story.

I’m doing a lot of career stuff right now but it’s not really stuff I want to mention as so much of it is like, not a sure thing at all right now. And some are extremely important projects that I need to invest time into. And I guess hope they make me money one day? I feel like I have at least three extremely potentially successful projects floating around in my head. I know I have to get stricter about work hours.

I think I was also smoking a lot of weed. Or vaping it rather. And smoking but I was vaping for a while and just got this ominous feeling I needed to quit. So I quit vaping. I still smoke joints and do edibles. But I don’t smoke indoors anymore which I think is making a difference in here. My clothes used to smell all smokey. Anyway, I’ve had a lot more energy and creative drive since cutting back on smoking weed. I also have been making a point to buy stuff that has creative listed as an effect, because it helps me think better.

I saw this youtube video the other day about the longterm harms of antipsychotics and I didn’t watch it but there was this photo of a brain scan with like, a wide area missing. And I have no idea if that was a metaphor or an actual brain scan. Anyway, I’ve been on antipsychotics since 2003 and I’m not getting off of them because I rather like sanity, as difficult a burden as it is. And I guess I’m just worried I am losing something by having to be on them. But literally this would become the Theo Is Jesus blog if I wasn’t on them. Which no one needs. Least of all me!

I’m trying to aspire for a better life. I don’t know, I think I got in a rut and then decided I would never grow out of that rut, it was good enough. But I realized recently that I want a bigger apartment with a room I can do music and art stuff in, and I made a list of the ideal things I want in a place to live. And then I started looking at properties in Toronto in the areas I would like to stay/move to. And I was always against condos (especially because of what they have done to this city) but I was looking at some that had shared amenities like a gym and a pool and a hot tub etc. And I guess that does look really appealing.

I was sending my mom links to properties I can’t afford all day today ha ha she must be so tired of it.

BUT it was really helpful to see the prices of houses and condos and the amount needed for down payments etc. I know I can’t do it financially right now. BUT I could start trying to figure out how to monetize my extensively trained brain. It sometimes seems ridiculous to have this large of a skillset and still struggle with money so often. My work is just very undervalued and it feels like the value is being pushed down even more with fascism. I lost a lot of work in the US since the Trump government got into power. And I know some of that is because I refuse/can’t travel to the US anymore. But also I think some of it is because the easiest thing to avoid raising alarm bells over funding is to just not hire someone like me.

At least Canada is kind of hanging on. We just need to make transphobia very uncool. Because it is uncool! There’s nothing interesting about being so afraid of difference that you try to erase it.

And we also need to get settlers to buy us real estate. I saw a very cute condo/townhouse with maybe a pool that you could buy me, if you are a rich person reading this.

I’ve been doing work stuff every day recently. It’s nice I guess, I like working. I like thinking about things. I have to plan my next shoot, so I am starting to break down my script and start thinking about shot lists and storyboards and stuff. Looking for locations and getting a casting call ready. Looking for three crew members. And trying to do it all within my budget. I think it might work out, I’m the producer/writer/director/star of this short so it’s a lot of different types of work. I will probably be the editor too, but who knows, I can apply separately for post production funds. It’s more of a narrative drama than my other stuff. And it’s depressing I’m sorry it doesn’t have a happy ending. A very bummer film.

But it’s about something I’ve been meaning to make a film about for a while.

I’ve got lots of ideas for things these days which is always encouraging for a creative person. I feel like I need to be healthier so I can live long enough to make my art that I want to make. I remember my Grandparents kind of had different health crises later in life that made them super strict on diet and exercise and they did make it to their 90’s. So I guess I am getting that kind of wake up call although much more mildly. I know this smoking weed is not great, edibles are ok but my lungs need something better.

I just ate some shrooms so I have to write this before they kick in.

I really have no earth shattering info for you today. My moustache hairs are still there, I guess at some point I will have to trim them. My sideburns and cheeks are still really blonde hairs. It’s coming. I feel like a chia pet being so concerned about what’s growing or not growing on me. My transition continues. I checked in with the surgeon’s office about where I am in the queue for a consult. I’m in the window of them calling, anytime between now and August or so. And then I don’t know how long I will have to wait before I get surgery.

Cis people are so weird about trans surgeries, especially bottom surgery. I guess I’m coming at this from someone who has a shitload of tattoos and had all kinds of piercings including some on my genitals. I was reading all those alternative webpages in the early 00’s about body modification and I sort of have this sense that people can do whatever they want with their bodies even if someone else thinks it’s a bad idea. Want to file all your teeth into points? Why not? Want to tattoo lizard skin on your body? Sure! Want to get horns implanted? Cool? Want to have genitals that make you happier? Even Elon tried to get a penis implant (supposedly, this is not verified). So really it’s none of anyone else’s business what someone does with their own body.

So I want my dick to stick out more and have balls, it’s really not a big deal to anyone except for me and I shouldn’t have to pass a bunch of tests and assessments to be allowed to get bottom surgery. NEVERTHELESS I did do all the assessments and talked to all the people and etc etc. I got approved by the government. So now it’s just waiting. But also I’m not as prepared this time around as I was for top surgery, I don’t have someone coming to stay with me. I might see if a friend can. Or look on Grindr ha ha jk no never. But I did kind of have help during top surgery and I could do one of those scheduler things again. It’s just so depressing trying to schedule care and not having enough people sign up. I wish I was just a rich dude and could pay someone to come carry my groceries, trash, laundry, and walk my dogs. I don’t know, I am much more comfortable paying for things than asking for free help. PLUS so many friends live in the West End and I am on the way to the East so people get nervous. At least I’m not on the wrong side of the Don River Valley that freaks out so many Torontonians ha ha.

Anyway maybe I can apply what I learned from my top surgery to my bottom surgery. For one thing if I fundraise I will ask for more money than top surgery because it cost a lot more than I expected to take time out of work. BUT ALSO this might be a multiple steps surgery, potentially two steps anyway.

What else is going on? It’s fucking hot outside. I was going to go to the gym, but I went to Dollarama and Home Hardware and that was enough. SO HOT. I have air conditioning now and it’s made such a difference. I don’t know how I didn’t die in this heat before honestly. I wish I could go get ice cream but I don’t want to go out. Ughhh heat sucks. Toronto gets so hot in the summer too, it’s brutal.

I repotted my Dragon Tree. I practiced my guitar. I am starting to get better at Come As You Are but going from G to A to C to A to C just messes me up. My pinky does not want to be involved but it has a job to do! It’s the weakest and laziest of my fingers. Just comes along for the ride most of the time. Anyway, learning guitar means I have to practice fingers independently moving and having more strength, so it will come it’s just taking a while.

The dogs are bored but having their doggy naps, so that’s nice. And there’s leftover taco meat so I think I will have that for dinner. I got a new cheese grater because mine went missing.

Sorry this is such an anti-climactic post. There’s really nothing to follow up from the last post, it’s out there and I’m just getting on with life.

I made a new video about a terrible years long experience of lateral violence. It’s pretty intense, about 20 min. I’m not submitting it for festivals so I’m making it available today online. Here it is:

I’m hoping we can start talking about lateral violence in our communities because this type of behaviour is not acceptable and not appropriate, especially not in a work environment and especially not from an employer. Being harassed and having people try to destroy my career over a book project that didn’t end in a good way, and then them taking that hate out into the community to gather a group of people to agree with destroying me is sick. I did not deserve it. It was WORSE than what the public saw. And I’m not going to hide it anymore.

These were real emails I received from someone whose name is redacted. The co-writer/co-director of [Production] saw these emails and still supported [Redacted]’s defamatory posts about me. I did get a lot of support from the community, but I also know a lot of people joined in. I did try to put in all the emails but something makes me think I may have missed one from [Redacted]. In the interest of fairness and understanding, I included the email I sent initially which snowballed into all of this.

Anyway, this video helped me process the whole thing. Reading those messages over and over while editing them into a video sort of helped me see it as a dark comedy (especially the line about “kinship”), although living it was horrific. I intend it as a living video document, in case further harassing emails come my way.

At the worst part of this experience my blood literally changed. I was in fight or flight mode and my blood thickened because my body was convinced I was going to be stabbed or shot to death. I was not, obviously. And my blood is back to normal. But this shit is serious, and I know I am not the only person with a folder of emails from this particular person.

This happens all over the Indigenous community. Intergenerational trauma from residential school has left some marks on people, and where they take that can be detrimental to the community. I’m not sure what happened in [Redacted]’s life to make them so vindictive. It’s unfortunate that there are multiple [Redacted]s in our communities and that many stories are being held close to the chest by people terrified by people who have influence/money/status. This isn’t right. I hope more people can stand up. Bullying involves the entire community, and stopping it involves the entire community too.

I’m grateful for Indigenous arts community members who listened to me, sent me info to protect myself, gave me money for legal fees, and generally stood by me. There are good people in our community who see this happening and don’t know how to stop it. If I had to give advice for someone seeing their friend(s) going through this, I would encourage you to reach out to them, which a lot of people did for me. It feels very isolating and scary to go through this, especially when so many people are afraid of the person and won’t speak up. And if this is happening to you, make sure you document as much as you can and have close people who know what is happening, before it bursts in a public situation with a particular narrative. Also, blocking can save your life. I blocked [Redacted] the first day this started, and many more people after, and I really don’t regret limiting access to me for my own safety. I know anyone can read this blog. But my personal selfies and dinner photos are not for laterally violent randos.

Anyway, side note is the guitar practice video was mostly just so there was something to see and hear. The story is in the words. But sometimes when I’m telling the dogs to knock it off it seems to fit. I’m not a great guitar player yet, but I wanted to show the imperfections in learning creative work, and the length of time it takes to start developing a skillset.

Criticism is not an attack. As people working in creative fields, we need to be able to negotiate and communicate difficult things during projects with people. It’s a desire to better the work, not to tell someone they are a shitty person. I’m much more cautious about who I work with now which is probably the best take away from this. The film and art world are workplaces too, and workplace bullying is unacceptable.

Ha ha jeez I probably used that title four times before or something. I apologize for repeat titles! I’ve written this blog since 2004 and there’s some repetition.

I was looking at myself in the mirror this morning and wanted to see what my facial hair was doing. I have a considerable amount of peach fuzz along my jawline, but it’s still all blonde and fine. It is longer than vellus hair on other parts of my body. So that’s something I guess. BUT!!! It was very exciting today because I saw some little brown fine hairs under my nose, and along the corners of my mouth. And more than 4! Probably around 20 or more altogether. I’ve never seen those hairs go brown before so it is encouraging. Also I noticed the spots with longer and more noticeable hair is all along the beard and moustache area. My chin seems to be getting that little clump of hair under the bottom lip, with some bare spots around it and then some hair where the chin strap area is closer to my neck.

I’ve been watching the hair along my jawline for a while, but it wasn’t turning colour, just being super long blonde peach fuzz.

July 25 this year will be three years on testosterone.

I was giving up on getting facial hair. Although earlier this spring I did notice a few terminal hairs along my neck and jaw. But they were rare. But these little brown guys are like, more than that. I guess we’ll see what happens. I didn’t think the testosterone gods were smiling on me ha ha, because I’m Indigenous and we don’t usually have a lot of facial hair. BUT I have Grandma’s Scots genes and my Dad’s Métis genes. So I’m not totally out of possibility of getting decent facial hair. Dad has a lot of facial hair but he shaves often.

I heard it usually starts in the moustache area first and at the corners of the mouth. So it is in the right spot. It opens up a whole new world of facial hair maintenance. They are so thin and sparse that I think I can keep using my regular facial cleanser. But at some point I might have to think about other beard specific products. Unless it just stays very limited.

My friend JC brought me some Uranium glass he got for me at a flea market, so today I finally made a uranium glass shelf. It’s got my virgin mary and my Indian head toothpick holder, but also a salt and pepper shaker set and a syrup pitcher. So it’s really cool. I bought the UV light for it a while back, so I put it up too and the whole thing looks AMAZING! So magical ha ha. I think I might get a candy dish and an ashtray next. I have only so much height in this shelf.

I want to do a deep reorganizing of my home this summer. I think there’s stuff I could get rid of. And I want more space for my collections of things. I also think it might be time to toss most of the stuff in my filing cabinets. I don’t need it, I never go looking for things in there. All my stuff is mainly online and except for keeping some reviews, I don’t need most of that stuff. Plus I need to get a new bedside table instead of the filing cabinet. I just don’t need that cabinet ha ha. It’s ugly besides, and I have had it since I lived in Vancouver.

I’m taking kind of a break from hookups, but probably not for long. I just was so busy. And I am going away this week, I’m doing a performance in Regina. About conflict! I’ve been editing the video for it and it’s interesting. I did process through a lot of things by making the video. Like, sucking out the poison ha ha. I feel less freaked out by what happened. It’s interesting when things are placed into context.

Anyway, life goes on I guess. My life has grown to being this thing I am generally happy with. I get to make art and get paid for it. It’s always a hustle getting grants. But that was always true. I’m my own expert on my own things though and I have finally amassed a skill set at 47 that a lot of people wish they had. So I’m happy about that really. And I have so many creative ideas! Like, they just keep coming. It’s kind of crazy. When I finish this video tomorrow that will be four projects in the last month that have been finished. I’m not sure what is going on astrologically, maybe things are wrapping up in the sky for some aspect or something. It’s feeling really good though. I keep making work! No one can stop me, they can try. But I make shit anyway, regardless if there’s a grant or not. Grants are nice though.

Hey everyone! I am bad at doing promo here. But I am showing “Carmilla the Lonely” at ImagineNATIVE this year in the INdigital Space and also online!

INdigital Arcade at ImagineNATIVE

ALSO my video about my transition, “Dreams of Sunlight Through Trees” shows this Saturday June 7 at 5:30pm at ImagineNATIVE (TIFF Lightbox)

Rainbow Shorts program at ImagineNATIVE

Hope you can go see them! The arcade is open during the festival and also online. The film shows both in person and online, so if you are wanting to see it but aren’t in Toronto, please do check it out. I think the online part of the festival is next week?

Thanks to ImagineNATIVE for supporting my work all these years!