Only in Dreams

This one of the songs James Luna has used in his performances. It was my favorite song in high school too. Weezer was cute.

First Year Emily Carr

People sometimes think going to art school is a cop out, like it’s all fun and games. It is fun, but the workload is fucking intense, I mean, you really never ever stop working there. I still did school work in my dreams, it was so intense.

First Year was the weirdest though, by far, because in a way they had to weed out people who couldn’t hack it. And they did it in this so bizarre way, because they basically turn First Year into high school. You have a seperate corridor for doing first year things and all your classes and you get to go into the auditorium for lectures. This is the Lictors returning to Brutus the Dead Bodies of his Sons. Yes, that was the one I remember the most. I had the title memorized just because it was so unwieldy. But it was an interesting concept, I mean, if you wanted to know if artists could hack art school, simulate a high school environment, but with total free thinking.

I think that is what pissed off a lot of people, because we were so ready to leave high school. None of us had felt we engaged in high school society to our full capabilities. So I kept hearing my friends say “This is high school! We’re still in high school!” And it seemed to be the queer ones who had the most trouble with the concept, because we’d do something totally ‘mo and all these people would give us weird looks like we were fucked up. I think the professors really defended the queer students though, as much as they could anyway, because they knew queer theory was just always in art, always. It’s just there.

I remember it so well, because I was in a class Judy Radul was teaching on media and I did what I thought was a hilarious little composition. I had interviewed BDSM friends about the community we were in, and I mixed it to a four track. And I had some really funny clips. I had my roommate Christie, for one, and she had wild stories! I got her to tell me all about pansexual sex clubs in San Francisco, and it was so cool because she was very matter of fact about it. She even told me what a witches wheel was, and I still haven’t seen one of those anywhere I’ve gone. And so I made my little report to the class and all these people gave me this freaked out look. And I was like “What? What? Why is that weird?” I think after class Judy said “You know, most of these people haven’t had sex yet.” Maybe a different prof told me that actually. And I was like “Whatever, I’ve only had sex three times, why is this so hard for people to talk about? Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do with sex, talk about it?”

I don’t know. I did know, however, that boys were totally willing to spill their secrets to the girls. A gay friend of mine was like “Do you know all the boys draw in the bathroom is penises? That is all they draw! I don’t think they know how to draw anything else.”

The best elder was there for first year, Shirley Bear. I can’t explain why she was the best, but she influenced EVERYONE who was there at the time. I remember one time later on in second term I walked into her office all glum. She asked “What’s wrong?” “Oh. The other day I was napping and a thunderbird flew in and started flying around and around and it dropped a mouse on my back and the mouse ran in to the base of my spine and did something and then they both went away. I feel like I am being called to something. What do I do? Do I have to start being a medicine person?” And she gave the best answer, she said “You are nineteen years old, you have to go be silly for a while.” And I was like “Hey man, awesome, now I can figure out who I am.” I honestly think that is the best recommendation for early spiritual seekers, except for that cult thing, yes, that is the pitfall. But I think going to Emily Carr for four years did help me figure myself out. And I remember by the end of it when I was on antidepressants, people started telling me “You act SO drugged.” I’m curious what it would have been like to do Emily Carr without pills, but they got rid of Shirley Bear just after first year ended, because she was freaking them out because she would smudge with students.

It hit all the students really hard. And we were trying to get her back for ages and the administration wouldn’t budge. Worse than that, we knew even if we did convince them to rehire her, she was never coming back. It was such a difficult time. I think she went to bat for the Native students a hell of a lot more than most of them knew. Ah, they probably did know. But she knew where students had to go and she would fight with people if they didn’t get it. Because Emily Carr seemed to think Aboriginal students needed studio classes badly, because they didn’t know that all aboriginals grow up doing studio really, in their own ways. So I think it was the rare person who actually got to move into a specialized area of learning. She fought for me to get into the film department, she was tough. But I don’t think Emily Carr was ready for an elder who knew that essentially all her students knew what they needed. Because we just naturally came in humble and saying we didn’t know stuff, and that was an attitude that Europeans never understood, because they assumed it meant we really DIDN’T know stuff. But mostly “I don’t know” is a really good mantra for learning, honestly, which is why you say it so much.

But the students did bond, the native students, because we had to, we still had to struggle with our race, in a friggin art school! And I remember watching other more brown native people being asked to talk about their culture in class. And I just thought, that is lazy. They’re learning about their culture right now and you’re trying to make them give answers instead of have good questions. I remember for one of our groups shows we all gave our treaty cards to Sondra Cross, who copied them and made a mobile. And this guy who’s name I have flaked on said “Yeah man, it’s called Statusfaction!” I thought that was so clever. I mean, we did inspire each other, which was the fun thing. Peter Morin went on to try to break the Guinness World Record for largest bannock. So you can kind of see where it all went. And the guys and girls did talk to each other, and they were fine with queers. They didn’t care who you were as long as you knew how to make them think. And they were having fun! They didn’t always want to make the hardcore stuff, they wanted to be silly and make each other laugh. We all knew our history to begin with, we didn’t want to talk about all the bad things. We wanted to goof off. We knew the bad things were there!

I think James Luna was one of my inspirations for being ridiculous AND political. He came to Saskatoon once and we all got to hang out with him. We went to Buds on Broadway and went dancing. And I used to talk to him about music, because he knew some funky boy music that I had never heard of before. And he did this one great transformation performance to Weezer, I mean man, such a boy! He was great. And he knew how hard it was for light skinned Native people, which was something that made me feel better. In fact, in the art community I find that skin tone amongst Native artists doesn’t really matter, they just want to know that you GET IT. And people can be clueless with any skin colour.

Apparently Norval Morriseau had a whole room full of dildos. I think Barry Ace told me that one.

orbs
Originally uploaded by fit of pique.

I don’t think Deanna will mind me posting this. This is a photo taken on the night we burned my psych stuff and set off fireworks for Christopher’s birthday. We are setting off fireworks here. I’ve never seen anyone in my family get orb photos before, but here it is.

Sailors

I’ve been trying to avoid the news like the plague, but I did see that Iran let the British sailors go, which was a good move. I don’t want to see anything escalate more than it has. Maybe this will start making people think less bad things about the Middle East, and about Britain. I mean, things really don’t have to get fucked up violent at all.

Sides

My friend said this interesting thing yesterday about growing up. She said she didn’t become a woman until she accepted her masculine side. And I think that’s very appropriate for the times, because I do think men accepting their feminine side and women accepting their masculine side makes talking a lot easier. And I don’t think having both sides going on limits someone from still inhabiting a particular gender they like or can work with, even if the gender seems to conform to their physical bodies.

Vain Boy
Originally uploaded by fit of pique.

I am a vain boy! I realized I haven’t taken a picture of myself recently, so I thought I would give you the boy shot. I fussed with this picture so much! It made me think a lot about gender presentation, actually, but fuck, I still look goofy. So this is me as an out boy. The clothes are old, I wore these clothes all the time anyway, even when I was still going by my old name.

Masculinity is a Drag

I’m pretty butched up right now, I will post a picture later. But it should be noted that masculinity is a costume as much as anything, so you might see me be all kinds of boys. I think people often take masculinity for granted and assume it’s a totally natural state. Which is, well, masculinity is real, yes, but it’s still something you can put on and take off in certain ways. Same as femininity. There are all kinds of male drag that people wear, and often people don’t question it unless it shows up in a two spirited person. I dunno, that’s just a quirk.

It’s Easter soon. It’s a busy weekend actually, because some friends are getting married and a bunch of people are in town for that. And I also feel obligated to attend Easter services with my grandparents, since I’ve been going to Christmas and Easter services for four years. And I know they’re concerned and I don’t want them to think they brought up Damien! So yeah, I will be fine, I can actually talk to people about normal everyday things again, which is good because I know my family is kind of confused. I think they will be okay. And I can actually take communion now, which is kind of funny. I think all of us got baptized while Auntie Beth was being ordained, although not everyone is going to be Anglican. Personally, I don’t feel tied in to the Anglican church, but my family has that going on so I have to respect that as well as everything else. And I do, I know it makes sense to a lot of them and they still have Aboriginal ideas. Either way, they needed at least one grandchild who would do churchy things sometimes. And I do like all kinds of religions, honestly. I just don’t like when cults attach themselves to one.

It’s chilly out. I got my bomber jacket out of the closet because my other one looks silly on me, but it’s still not warm enough. I think I am getting out of feeling like a teenage boy, although I know I totally look like one right now. I’m going to be a 29 year old man on the 26th and I look like a teenager!! It’s so weird.

I’ve realized I’m having trouble talking to some women, just because it’s awkward. I don’t want people to think I deliberately switched sides for some ominous reason, I was always going to end up here. But there are a lot of women I am still talking to, and that is good. In fact, if you wanted to try and have an awakening from a female perspective, all of Tori Amos’ songs are awesome. She’s into Gnostic Christianity, and she has some interesting things. And she’s part Native, of course. I don’t know if it’s only aboriginals waking up. I don’t think so at all, not from the pulse I’m getting, which is good. Anyway, yes, Tori Amos is putting out her whole collection this month, it is called A Piano. So if you’d prefer hearing this in a girl voice, that’s a good spot to start. It’s not so scary. And I think she likes all kinds of religions too. She’s very healing, especially for survivors.

My hair wants cutting.

The trans group is AWOL. I mean, the one I was going to go to. Which is okay, but it would have been nice to meet them. Maybe later. I have met trans folks all over, so I don’t feel woefully alone. I actually think maybe I should start talking to some of the boys in my life, because a lot of them are all confused and muzzy and doing self destructive stuff, because guys do that. Not that it’s a good option, it’s just what I have noticed. I think I should start talking to some of the other girls I knew in high school too. I know Heather is supposed to call me, and I have Danielle’s number, and I could probably round them up because they all went off to do stuff. I’m curious where they are now. Mostly I’m getting my feet back on the ground and trying to contact people, just so they know what is up. With my gender, anyway. At the very least.

I’m going to be 29 soon! That’s insane! I feel like I was 24 only yesterday.

Codes

There are some codes in this blog, which is why some of it looked all fucked up. I should explain at least ONE of them so you don’t think I’m a total idiot.

King Kong will stop the rain.

Now, I don’t actually believe that we are going to get a giant gorilla to stomp around. That’s silly! That’s an injoke from Data Lounge, which happens to be where a lot of closeted celebrities post anonymously. They stay pretty covert, but everyone knows they are there because sometimes they complain that they can’t do anything politically because their Academy votes don’t count for politics. Well, no, honestly, no of course Academy votes aren’t going to change the world. BUT maybe if people stopped being chicken and actually stood up for their community, things would change. That’s what I think anyway. But I don’t know, maybe King Kong won’t show up.

Packing

I’ve been pretty much packing since I decided to be Sarain again, or finally, or whatever. I have to say, it’s really weird! People are starting to look at my crotch. I got totally cruised by some suburban guy the other day. Fuck guys are horny buggers! Ah, not all. But you can so tell now, oh my god! I’ve never gotten the eye contact, basket gaze, eye contact thing before. Holy crap you guys!

I walk different, which is weird, I walk more the way I used to walk, which is nice. But it’s such a boy walk. I walk like I’m carrying heavy armaments, and really I’m just buying a carton of milk. It’s weird! I’m trying to remember the girl side and not get caught up in privilege, but it is so different. I’ve never fit my gender presentation before, not like this. It’s like living in a different world. I’m starting to try to dress more like a boy, I don’t know how to explain that since I’m a funny guy. I don’t have many girly clothes to begin with anyway, so it’s not like I have to get a new wardrobe.

I’m learning how to make eye contact, which is interesting. I never did that before. I’m learning a lot of things about walking in the world as a guy. But I’m still trying to be a decent guy. Fuck, the privilege thing is weird. I know I have to be confident to pass, but it’s hard when I know what it’s like to live full time as a female and be treated so differently.

Two Spirited

I guess I should explain where trans people fit in Aboriginal culture, I mean, in the olden days. In the olden days, what I just went through was really coming during the coming of age of a trans man. I probably would have had it when I was quite a bit younger, but no one around me remembered anything about what this looks like. So I had to take small steps. I think they kind of got it when I came out originally, because they started talking about two spirited people, but they kind of just threw books at me and ran away. And I don’t even know if they read the books.

Two spirited people can see from two perspectives at all times, in the original meaning of it, because they had a male and female soul. And becoming a powerful two spirited person meant you basically HAD to go through what I just went through. Not necessarily that extreme, but when I showed up I got a mission right away from my cousins. And then, I don’t know, I started collecting people’s missions from that one original thing. Which is why it looks so scrambled, I had to make it make sense for me and also confuse the hell out of you and also make various points. And some of my points were wrong because I was going out of a bisected brain, which is why you have to look at it as a whole.

What anticonvulsants do, essentially, is cut your brain in half to stop seizures. Which is messed up, if you are two spirited, because it means you can’t access your entire self on anticonvulsants. And then you’re not two spirited, you’re just weird! Which is why I was getting out of being weird. So hopefully I can now move on to being a normal two spirited person and not one fucked up on drugs, which I was for years. But I didn’t ever really want to be on drugs, but no one cared. No, that’s not true, someone did care.

Anyway, oh yes, so I am back. And while I have a guy name and am going to look like a guy now, I actually still have a total female side, which is nice, because she’s much happier having the male side around too. Inside me I mean, all on my own. It’s almost like being a couple, but not really, because it’s just two expressions of the same thing. And there was always a girl side reading heavy stuff too, I mean, none of it was so cut and dried. I say I was a covert boy because my hardcore boy story was mostly happening outside of people’s knowledge, which is I think a common experience to trans people. It’s common to try on a gender in private. But obviously, boy parts of me showed up all the time too, mostly. It just stopped making sense with each other while I was on drugs. Fuck, two spirited people should not be on psych drugs! Quit fucking smashing the next great hope of Aboriginal spiritual revival, for god’s sakes! Okay, that was my last plaintive cry. No, not really. I don’t know? Really?