Two Spirited

I guess I should explain where trans people fit in Aboriginal culture, I mean, in the olden days. In the olden days, what I just went through was really common during the coming of age of a trans man. I probably would have had it when I was quite a bit younger, but no one around me remembered anything about what this looks like. So I had to take small steps. I think they kind of got it when I came out originally, because they started talking about two spirited people, but they kind of just threw books at me and ran away. And I don’t even know if they read the books.

Two spirited people can see from two perspectives at all times, in the original meaning of it, because they had a male and female soul. And becoming a powerful two spirited person meant you basically HAD to go through what I just went through. Not necessarily that extreme, but when I showed up I got a mission right away from my cousins. And then, I don’t know, I started collecting people’s missions from that one original thing. Which is why it looks so scrambled, I had to make it make sense for me and also confuse the hell out of you and also make various points. And some of my points were wrong because I was going out of a bisected brain, which is why you have to look at it as a whole.

What anticonvulsants do, essentially, is cut your brain in half to stop seizures. Which is messed up, if you are two spirited, because it means you can’t access your entire self on anticonvulsants. And then you’re not two spirited, you’re just weird! Which is why I was getting out of being weird. So hopefully I can now move on to being a normal two spirited person and not one fucked up on drugs, which I was for years. But I didn’t ever really want to be on drugs, but no one cared. No, that’s not true, someone did care.

Anyway, oh yes, so I am back. And while I have a guy name and am going to look like a guy now, I actually still have a total female side, which is nice, because she’s much happier having the male side around too. Inside me I mean, all on my own. It’s almost like being a couple, but not really, because it’s just two expressions of the same thing. And there was always a girl side reading heavy stuff too, I mean, none of it was so cut and dried. I say I was a covert boy because my hardcore boy story was mostly happening outside of people’s knowledge, which is I think a common experience to trans people. It’s common to try on a gender in private. But obviously, boy parts of me showed up all the time too, mostly. It just stopped making sense with each other while I was on drugs. Fuck, two spirited people should not be on psych drugs! Quit fucking smashing the next great hope of Aboriginal spiritual revival, for god’s sakes! Okay, that was my last plaintive cry. No, not really. I don’t know? Really?

I’m so not doing this on purpose!

I seem to be okay with cutie again, but then I keep accidentally saying profound stuff. I don’t mean to. I used to just think it, but I could never figure out how to insert that in dinner conversation. I mean, dinner conversation can be pretty limited. So yeah, I guess technically she and I could have a virgin birth in the scientific form of it, but that was incidental really, because now I’m transitioning and we really do have to figure out if the kid option will be open later. Crap. Well, you did wonder about alternative families, so here you go. But honestly, we’re still mostly just hanging out and trying to figure out what to do. I think she’s known I’ve been missing a huge chunk of my life because she used to try to talk to me about high school and there were huge things I didn’t remember at all. I still don’t remember most of the straight guys names, but I wasn’t paying much attention to them. But I do finally remember when we got cult resistance training, which I think is the most important part to remember about high school. Or one of them anyway. That was like Gifted Defense against the Dark Arts class, only with real life application. Anyway, she and I are fine now, I just thought the process of parthenogenesis was kind of romantic.

DNA

Fuck! I still have to figure out what to do with my DNA. Obviously I have an intense strain. I wasn’t going to do anything with it because I didn’t think people much liked me, and I was so not having my DNA live on in a world that doesn’t care for me. But I dunno, maybe it is just too intense! On the other hand, passing that kind of genetics down is alluring, just because I know if it was with a certain someone we could end up with an intense strain of profoundly gifted gender variant XX children. I don’t know if the world is ready for such a strain! It would be like reviving the Amazons or something. And they would probably be happy making art if there was no war, which is the good thing. And it’s meat eaters DNA, which is also weird, because then you have to figure out a way of bringing back humane wild game hunting. Which can be humane if you have a good hunter, otherwise you can just be an asshole. But I dunno, First Nations DNA needs meat to survive, it’s just kind of that way. A small family can live off of a couple of deer over an entire year if they have a large freezer. And eat salads, too, First Nations people ate vegetables, really! We do like side dishes.

There is a such thing as parthenogenesis, which is combining the DNA of two eggs to make a kid. You can’t do it with two sperms, but eggs have enough DNA to do it together. It’s been around for ages but it is supressed because guys don’t want girls to know sperm is not necessary anymore. I kind of didn’t think I could ever do it, but come to think of it I probably could find a scientist who has tried parthenogenesis. I mean, I did grow up with the people who trot off to do those things.

I’m worried about putting my eggs in a cryogenic chamber, just because I don’t want some demented fundamentalist coming along and trying to raise my kids. I so think my kid would accidentally blow them up or something. I dunno. On the other hand, maybe no one would want to touch my DNA. I hate that I have to think of children now, because I still need to be a non-parent for a while, but if I start taking hormones I kind of have to think about that stuff right now. It’s a tricky world. Plus I don’t think a child I had would be safe right now, there are too many mean motherfuckers running around who would be totally into screwing around with the child of a transman. A Native child, no less, because I know what they do to Native children here. Hmm. So many issues.

Long Story

That has to be one of the longest stories I have ever told, and there’s still tons more. But whatever. I think this is the story that might help things make sense again. And hopefully some other people will start writing now, because they have all kinds of insights, and some are about sex and gender and some are about gifted people and some are about spirituality and various other things people have noticed. I have a relative who is starting her journey and I’ve been trying to figure out how to talk to her, to tell her stuff she is experiencing is normal and that she can tell stuff to go away if it is freaking her out. I mean, that’s the thing, you’re supposed to be allowed to self direct it or all kinds of weird shit happens, like this! And you can take a spiritual emergency and make it gentle again, but not with psych drugs. With psych drugs you get stuck, for a long ass time! And you start right up again at the place you left off, in about the same condition as when you were frozen. So, if people did get frozen into a spiritual emergency, my advice would be to take as many supplements for your brain as possible, and smoke pot, and see a homeopath, and have a place to sweat it out where people won’t freak out and try to reprogram you. And a lot of people WILL try to reprogram you, so you have to look out for that, because they will think they are helping, honestly, they honestly believe that force and punishment will make it better. Because they are fucked up! I’m sorry, but it’s true, you have to assume people are dead right now and try to wake up in a way where people won’t assault you. Because they do.

My Point

So I guess my final point is that the way psychiatry acts today is rather cult like, in fact, it meets every qualification for a cult. It uses shoddy evidence to promote it’s cures. It covers up significant facts. It has way too many drugs designed to fundamentally alter brains. It pathologizes ordinary human emotions which we find troubling. It uses force to assert it’s right over the individual. It is more interested in giving you the appropriate personality than finding out what your personality is. And they get all kinds of bizarre confessions out of people that doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, not if that person is scrambling everything on purpose. And finally, it asserts cruel and unusual punishment on people based on their identity, including race, gender, sexuality, political beliefs, spiritual beliefs, and any childhood trauma available. And not only that, but it leaves you feeling totally deprived and worthless, no matter what crazy insane shit you’ve been pulling off for your whole life.

The Trouble with the internet

The basic script of the internet itself doesn’t leave much room for deprogramming, because it’s all based in a binary code. In fact, computers themselves are based on knitting, which is also a binary code. So like I said, it makes it hard to get people to think outside of the binaries when the format being used is a binary. So I dunno, maybe you should look at another mandala just so orient yourselves outside of binaries again. You can find bunches of them on Youtube.

Youtube

I have abandoned the idea of putting my video on Youtube. Cannes is soliciting shorts, so I think I might try that instead. Maybe not everything has to be on the internet.

Glassey Glue Incident

I was full on contrary for most of Gifted. I wanted to know if people would actually say what they meant. And so I did stupid boy shit like telling girls for a year that a green shirt was blue until I believed it and maybe they believed it and then I would change my mind on a whim. And most of the time, all of the time really, they seemed to know I was being a little fucker. And I had no idea they would talk about me behind my back until one day they told me to go find a bottle of Glassey Glue. You know Glassey Glue. It’s in all the stores, everyone uses it, you can get it anywhere, it’s the best glue ever. And my sense of fair play made me spend a whole evening dutifully calling every store in Saskatoon looking for Glassey Glue. It doesn’t exist, by the way, although for all I know they put a patent on it for when I would tell this story.

Anyway, yes, they sent me off to prove God exists, because you can do that kind of shit to a contrary and they’ll do it! Except I wanted to prove it all along, so in a way we both won that argument. They are amazing debaters, holy crap. I still don’t think Jesus is the one and only story though, I think all kinds of stories are useful to talk about that kind of thing. And I think I proved that what happened in Bury my Heart At Wounded Knee was fucked up. I should actually start finding where they all went, because I have no idea what most of them are up to. I mean, not in a direct way, in an indirect way I know where they all are. They seem to be sitting in logic and feeling and trying to come together again, because half of them only show logic, which is why it’s so weird. But I think they’ve been figuring out how to talk again. They have some good boundaries with each other.

Commonwealth

Maybe this is just a story about survivors of the Northwest Rebellion. I mean, it was a really turbulent time in history. It laid out the foundation of Canada. And various rights were reneged on both sides, over time. I mean, we didn’t have any money, so all the rights we lost were economic, all the obvious rights anyway. And there was all kinds of back deals being made forever. There are still things poor people can do to survive. Like spending all their gifted education with the upper classes and the lower classes to find out what both were doing. Like admitting defeat on issues of spirituality and Glassey Glue. And trying to find out which questions needed to be asked. I mean, we did teach each other a lot, eventually. And for that reason I’m not sure any of the gifted people who did achieve things forget their weird classmates who were Contrary Mary’s. Or just quiet and strange. We were all curious about each other really. I think we were just supposed to agitate against each other in school to find out where people stand. And people could argue with me really well, I was always so impressed. And sometimes I didn’t even think of myself as being a pain in the ass, because I was used to doing weird shit, I was a boy! But a boy with feelings, and that was really weird for some people, I don’t know why. A lot of gifted boys are all emotional, but they’re taught to hide it. But honestly, they used to burst into tears all the time too, even the really straight ones! That’s just the way boys are.

And some of my favorite gifted people were the ones who grew up in other places in the Commonwealth, and they were fascinating! They totally knew why Roald Dahl was the most important children’s author. They could talk about corporal punishment and candy in the same sentence, they were intense! But they had class about it and I didn’t, not in that particular way anyway. I was totally like “Yeah, let’s start a school s/m club” and they didn’t get that at all. I mean, obviously I didn’t say that. It would have been funny though, which is why I would say something like that. But really, they were going to be kinky, I could so tell! And it was because, they figured out how to make their history fun, by reading these creepy yet funny stories. And they weren’t all white either, they were all kinds of races. And most of them were atheists of some sort, which was interesting. I mean, they acted like atheists, because they really didn’t know if God was real. I think that’s a commonality among many people of the Commonwealth, because the fucking wealth isn’t common!

Boy and Girl

I did have a boy and a girl life pretty much consistently throughout my life. It looked weird at times, because obviously one life would impact on the other, and that was unusual if you didn’t know what I was doing in my boy life, and few people did. In fact, not really anyone ever knew. But I didn’t think anyone could see why both of those genders were useful yet, everyone seemed so ready to take a side instead of look at the variety out there. There are some totally unclassifiable genders out there man! It’s pretty cool. I don’t think many people actually fit into the extreme gender I present sometimes. Not the extreme boy gender anyway. It’s way too intense! The girl gender is kind of innocuous, in her own deadly way. Maybe because she doesn’t quite fit. My girl gender I’m talking about, I mean. Then again maybe I just see her as innocuous because I always felt like she was a role.

It’s like in MASH, the one soldier who cross dresses to try and get out of the army and instead they just start ignoring the fact that he always comes to work in a full length dress. I think there are an eerily high number of soldiers standing around in full length dresses.