Mindfulness for the Video generation

I think what I love about Katamari is that it trains mindfulness really well, and it’s fun. It’s funny to think that the tv could be used to create mindfulness, but video games do it really well. All video games really. But they are just video games. Still, overcoming duality is intense, so I’m playing We Love Katamari, and it’s pretty fun. Pretty silly. The King of the Cosmos hasn’t yelled at me yet, and he used to do that all the time before Christmas. Crap! It’s like getting organized anyway, it’s very healing. A mandala for the MTV generation.

Put Down That Weapon

By Midnight Oil

grandcanyon
Originally uploaded by fit of pique.

This is my cousin Steven and I when we were at the Grand Canyon. My mom is holding a sign in the parking lot while taking this picture. It actually wasn’t a stupid thing, there was a really wide ledge about three feet below. It just looked really dumb. I think I am twelve here.

Actel and Video Games

I remember in Actel we had this one assignment where we read a fictional story about raising a genderless child. And the kid wore overalls and had a gender neutral name and a private place and basically the last time any one knew that persons gender was when they were born. And it was an experiment, so that person’s gender became a state secret. I thought it was such a fascinating concept, because this child baffled everyone and was able to just be who they really were. I always remembered that story, that was far better than the one about the girl locked in a closet on Venus. I don’t even remember who wrote it, or what it was called, but it always blew my mind.

I always wore overalls and boy clothes as a kid, I looked silly in girl clothes. Even my mom had to buy new baby clothes because the hand me downs from my sister made me look so ridiculous. One night I drew 33 super man cartoons. And my cousins made me watch Temple of Doom over and over and over. Well, it was exciting. I had an Indiana Jones computer game but I kept falling in the crocodile pit over and over. And that stupid ET game from Atari, crap! He just falls in a hole and you can’t ever get him out! That was such a depressing video game. I remember one game I liked was called Caveman Olympics but it had these weird neanderthals with heavily secure gender archetypes in place. And I didn’t like that much, so that was frustrating. But the concept was funny, I just didn’t like the sexism. And Duck Hunt got boring, too easy. Super Mario Brothers was fun though, I played all four of those. I wanted to be a baseball player, but I didn’t trust anyone so I decided not to. Getting hit in the face with a baseball, no way. I hated baseball practice. Kickball was fun though.

And then I switched to Katamari because no one dies, you just roll people up and make the universe. That’s fun. I’m going to go back to playing that for a while, because it makes me laugh. It’s even funnier than Ms Pac Man!

Dream

I had this great dream last night so I’ll tell you about it. I was sitting at a deli counter when this man sat next to me and passed me a little note on a piece of paper. It said “I know who you are. What do you want?” And I wrote back “Transformation everywhere.”

Gender Defenders

“For a while, I thought that it would be fun to call what I do in life gender terrorism. Seemed right at first – I and so many folks like me were terrorizing the structure of gender itself. But I’ve come to see it a bit differently now – gender terrorists are not the drag queens, the butch dykes, the men on rollerskates dressed as nuns. Gender Terrorists are not the female to male transsexual who’s learning to look people in the eye while he walks down the street. Gender terrorists are not the leader daddies or back seat Betties. Gender terrorists are not the married men, shivering in the dark as they slip on their wives panties. Gender terrorists are those who, like Ms. Millot, bang their heads against a gender system which is real and natural and who then use gender to terrorize the rest of us. These are the real terrorists: the Gender Defenders.”
– Kate Bornstein “Gender Outlaw” – 1994

Approved Treatment

I’m in touch with the medical community again and I’m back on the approved treatment for getting OFF psych meds, which is smoking marijuana. So that’s what I’m doing now, because marijuana stimulates the regrowth of neuronal pathways, which is why HIV pos people use it. One of the many reasons they use it, actually. It does amazing stuff for HIV positive people. And so my little brain is growing back together, and that’s good. I’m glad it’s getting itself back together. And I think the drugs are mostly out of my system now, I mean, it will probably take a year or two for them to flush out, maybe longer. The hard part of detoxing is over though, and that makes me happy.

There are a lot of mood disorders and so on among transgender people, because it’s a super oppressive situation to be in, I mean, ultimately I think it is the most oppressed position in this culture. And so of course people have problems when they start coming to terms with it, because it means deciding if you are ready to leave behind the world you have known. And so you look at EVERYTHING that is in the world, I mean, so much, because you need to know if that is a world you want to be a part of. And that’s why we go crazy, because the world is a dark place. And fuck no, I don’t want to be part of that world. But then people get suicidal, because it seems like the only world to exist. And you do want to live, I mean, you don’t want to go away for ever, so then you start hating yourself. Because if this is the world we live in and I am completely opposed to it, then I must be in the wrong because I’m the most marginalized of all minority groups. And people all seem to lack consensus, which reinforces those binaries more because they fight each other on those lines.

But then you really do wake up, and realize that life is more infinitely complex than all of those binaries. And the more complex it gets the more infinitely gorgeous it gets, to the point where you HAVE to stay. I mean, it’s too fucking gorgeous to toss the whole thing away. Which is why First Nations people allowed their young transgendered people to go on a shamanic quest, because part of that quest was divulging how to keep a community together. And so we make great community builders, because we really do try to understand everyone’s position on our journey to be who we are.

I don’t know any trans person who has actively shown their process in real time. I mean, ten years of this, man alive! And it is so personal, it’s terribly personal, and that’s why people don’t show it, because of shame. And people do shame it these days, because no one remembers what a shamanic quest looks like from the inside. All you know is that we have to go away and then we come back and we are all better. But now so many people are going on them that you kind of HAVE to see it, because we don’t have proper retreats set up. Which is mostly why I want to go to Grad School, so I can give you people your own desert so no one else has to hear your secrets when you learn who you are. And you won’t all be trans, just a few people are.

Privacy is an important thing, again, because people jump to hasty conclusions. And those conclusions limit people.

This really was an art project

I really did do an experiment of willingly putting myself under surveillance to see what would happen. I guess we know. And I guess it’s funny, because now if anyone actually did pay attention to me then they are reacting based on the process of coming to terms with transgender identity, because honestly, this is what it looks like. That was what my positive disintegration was about. And I’m glad I was under surveillance, although a lot of what I said is collective unconscious stuff or else just things I have heard that I felt obligated to report. Is any of it true? Really, honestly, I think you should go find out for yourselves. And you don’t have to go all those places man, you can just pick your own route of transformation, which is cool. I merely needed to reflect the world, but it’s not my world is it? Because this world doesn’t like transfolks. Or doesn’t understand them, which may be more why I decided to go under surveillance. But I am ready to let it go, I’m only going to talk about things I find useful now. And I have lots of fun things in my future.

But other people are also transforming in their own ways, and they have some cool things to talk about. And I think they should talk about them here, because I like hearing about all kinds of stuff, not just trans issues. Although clearly trans issues show up here.

Ha!

I knew I could prove “psychosis” was a relevant transformational crisis. I’m glad no one took me to the hospital, because as you can tell from my previous hospitalization, it is in no way shape or form safe for transgendered people to go there. In fact I have often been apppalled by places non-trans people send me, seeming totally oblivious to the fact that I have way different identity issues. It’s often been violent, towards me. And I am tired of being beat up. So please, no more giving orders for me. I’m off to go live my own life. Well, sort of. I do still want this blog to be about personal transformation in various people’s lives, which is why I started inviting people. Because I’m not the only one changing in the world.

And I’m glad I’m off the stupid drugs, those pills made me mean and weird. I mean, they froze me in the mean weird fucked up stage I was in. Now that I’m off I can move along to a more appropriate treatment for my issues, in this case that would be testosterone. And I think I have enough humbleness to avoid the trap of proving I’m a guy by slugging all my friends. I’ve seen people do their transition either really well or really badly, and I’m hopefully going to do mine really well. I just slept for a really long time, like, totally peaceful. And that is nice. I’m going to be going on EI and taking the summer off to like, just figure myself out and remember who I am. And who I am is a really nice person, I’m quite silly and funny and fun. And sexy. And gentle, that’s the thing, normally I am quite gentle which is why this whole four years has been stupid, I’m not interested in fucked up shit, I mean, only in that it shouldn’t be there.

I still want to take a tour of the Synchotron though, I think Edward is going to come with me for that, it should be fun. And I’ll be glad to just gently inspire people instead of boss them around. Inspiration is a good thing. I mean, if you did exactly what I did word for word, you’d have to go to the gender clinic! But really, if you did find anything useful in those writings then by all means check their facts if you want to go those places. It’s true that there is more scientific support for the existence of God than the existence of mental illness in the brain chemical theory going today.

And I do have some nice people around me, they’ve all been freaking out but I hope they’re fine now. And I bought myself some time, which is awesome. And I think I might actually go off to Toronto and do my major transition there, which would be a way better idea than trying it here. I think I need to be around more diversity than I can find in Saskatoon. And I’ve never lived in Toronto, but I have friends there and there is a big trans community and altogether it might be a safer place. And I’ll be in Montreal in November talking on the Gender panel, which I have to get together. And I will be talking about psych disabilities in Victoria, where I can talk about everything I discovered. And hopefully I will get a chance to go to school and write my thesis as a blueprint for alternative care homes, and you know, that can be public domain when I’m done, I don’t really want to own it, I think everyone should own it. And there is psychiatric survivor day in Toronto in September, which I will be doing. And there is a ten minute presentation I am supposed to give at the ACC, so I think I will just talk about transformational creative energy. Because I think everyone kind of wants to use that in their lives safely. And not everyone will go as far out as I did, because we are all different. So it’s useful, I can apply my stuff to all these different groups in ways that are relevant to them.

I do know transgendered folks are intensely spiritual though, more than most, which makes me wonder if someone stumbled on me and deliberately activated that awakening process. I think I know who it was. Ze’s a card.

I know I talked about cults a lot, well you know what, the binary gender system is a cult. It’s the most fucked up cult I’ve ever met. Hate it. Stupid binary gender system. It’s a cult for stupidheads.

So I am really relieved. And I’m making up with certain people who seem to be happy to watch me turn into who I really am. But man, not transitioning anymore is getting to be way too dangerous, I’d probably snuff it for sure. I didn’t want to be making this decision lightly though, obviously, it’s a huge decision. And I wanted to make sure it was really for me and not because of other things. And really, women do have a sucky ass position in the world, and it is so not fair. They deserve to be whoever they want to be, even the ones who won’t wear skirts because it triggers them. I love women, they rule. And I like that I will always have them in my life and not just abandon them for men, because I like all types of women. And I know how disappointed lesbians get when someone transitions and starts badmouthing them. I mean, that is rude. If lesbians nurtured you while you were sorting yourself out, then they deserve respect as much as anyone. And some of them do go mean and rejecting, it’s true, but those are INDIVIDUALS and not the lesbian community as a whole. And butch women were great for me to hang out with because they are boys, in a way, they just like doing it in that style. And they do have style.

I hope to see more gender equality in my lifetime. I think we need more women in positions of power. It’s changing, slowly, but really, I think Parliament needs to be at least 50% women. Otherwise fucked up shit happens. And we need better representation, I mean, all citizens should have reps, even trans folks. Diversity in places of power can only make things stronger. That all being said, corruption can happen to anybody. Even me when I ended up in the hospital, they made me corrupt! Not healed at all!

Anyway, after I do my thesis I’m going back to filmmaking, because that’s my strong suit, and I think I can be bossy in an ethical way now. Hopefully. I think being bossy by way of inspiration is far more fun. And it will be interesting to work with actors and find out how to safely inspire them and take them through their process and make sure they are okay at the end. Filmmaking with aftercare, that’s a good idea. And they should be allowed to stop a scene when it’s way too hard on them, that’s a damn good idea.

And there really are lights in the sky here, Laurel has seen them with me. I don’t know why they like the prairies so much, but they are here. Laurel thinks they are looking for someone. They’re doing something anyway. I’m not scared of them though, they seem to have a plan. Maybe we’re getting a galactic intervention! We need one anyway, this planet has a terrible boss, oh man, so terrible. The infrastructure’s fucked.

But back to transitioning. I don’t know that I will be flying overseas until something is done about this silly war. It’s just not really a good idea for someone like me to travel if I am transitioning, and eventually I will look like a bio guy and then my ID won’t match and that gets tricky, especially in an age of government paranoia. So, the word on the street is for transfolks to stop travelling for a few months, or else take all their documentation with them. But you know, those border guards are thugs, they aren’t very intelligent and they do hassle people who are different, in any way. So I’ll probably stay in Canada for a while until I get the all clear, which sucks because I like seeing the world. Poopy war! It makes life so dull.

Anyway, I guess I will be bringing Schrodinger and Mister to Toronto with me, because they are nice to have around and they make me happy. Schrodinger is a bit of a bossy cat though, but he’s terribly handsome, and he and Mister are best friends, so that’s good. And they didn’t get enough attention while I went through this, but they will now, funny little dudes. Schrodinger has an obsession with a screw that is in the wall, just one damn screw that’s in the hallway. He’s always liked it, I don’t know why. Anyway, I find pets have a nice grounding force, it’s good to have animals in the house.

And maybe now I can finally be around people who can actually respect me for who I am instead of who they want me to be. Which would be nice, because I didn’t much like being a cipher.

Plans

I have an appointment with a councellor, and there’s a trans support group that meets this coming Wednesday and I think I have to stop being isolated. I think I need to actually start planning what to do now. And one of the things I’ve decided is to do hormones. I wasn’t sure about it before, but I think it is something I have to do. I’m kind of freaked about having to go through puberty AGAIN, but I’m appraised of the risks. It will be weird. The only thing is I don’t know how my stupid psych diagnosis will affect my decision to take hormones. I know it used to be that you couldn’t have ANY psych diagnosis and get on hormones. Then again, I know people who have done it, so it is possible.

I feel a lot calmer, actually, now I know where I’m going to. I remember at the end of my hospitalization I started doing the Gender Workbook and then I forgot why, I mean, I really didn’t know. So I just walked away from it. But now I remember, that’s where I was aiming for this whole time, just to finally say, fucking hell, fine I’m a boy, let’s deal with it.

I have been researching this for like, over ten years. This is in no way a new thing. I just wanted to be totally sure, absolutely, I mean, it’s the biggest body mod ever!

So I’m going to spend some time thinking about my gender. I know I’m already starting to lean back towards the goofy punk kid I always was. I want to dye my hair again, and I dunno, wear big boots. Well, not always. Get more tattoos.

And I’m going to go meet some trans people in town. I mean, of all the places to transition, Saskatoon? That’s silly. But it can be done. I’m not in a rush though, I think now it’s just calm and thoughtful. I would have to find the gender clinic here. I would have to do my “Year as a Man” where I just live full time as a guy and see what happens. I would have to get a packer and figure out what the hell to do with E cups. I’d have to check the process of legal name changes and if you can change gender legally yet, I mean, go from F to M on your id. I know Samonte got his gender changed once on his ID, I don’t know if it was a slip or what. But it made him happy.

I don’t know about chest surgery, that’s kind of intense, I don’t know if I want to go under the knife. But I don’t have to think about that yet anyway. I’m kind of scared of doing a gender change in Saskatoon though, because it does seem like a red neck city. But I guess I should meet other trans folks here first. So weird, SO WEIRD! Why did I have to do this here? Why not Vancouver, or even Montreal, where there’s transmen running around willy nilly. I’m worried about bathroom issues, I might make a mental note to track unisex stalls about town. Stupid bathrooms! I should just carry a cup around and pee in it. No, that’s gross. But honestly, I have to pee somewhere!

The good thing is I have watched so many friends transition, so it’s not completely unknown territory. And I know how it goes. And for the most part they do end up being totally sexy folks who are pretty content. Although everyone seems to go through an ugly duckling feeling.

So, hmm, going to go back to looking at this stuff. I have to sort out my options. And I have to figure out if my thing from four years ago is going to totally demolish any chance I have of getting legal hormones. I kind of think it will be okay though.

And I’m not really mad at anyone anymore, I’m just kind of like, please, back off. I need to sort my head out on the gender thing. And I have all the books, I mean, it’s not like starting from scratch. And I do know a shitload of people online who are or have transitioned.

I’m worried I’ll grow a beard! Aboriginals don’t have much facial hair, but metis guys, they can get pretty hairy. How hairy will I get? Oh man. I guess now I can pay attention to Gillette advertisements, which might take my mind of things. Oh, and now I do have to learn to pee standing up in an emergency. Emergency standing pees!! That’s kind of silly. I’ll probably just use some device. Stupid pee issues.