Dead Thirza

I’m not dead, don’t worry, that’s just the title. And I don’t want to be dead either. I’ve just been looking over my life and you know, I SHOULD be dead by now. There have been SO many close calls in my life to be hit by cars (I have been, twice), fall to my death, drown, commit suicide, get murdered (which has nearly happened). It’s insane. And yet I’m alive, still, relatively unscarred. I could have died at birth even. There have been so many times the grim reaper’s sythe just skimmed a few hairs off the top of my head. It’s starting to feel unusual. I mean, really strange, like I’m being saved over and over for a reason. And I have no idea why. I don’t think I’m any more special than anyone who dies suddenly, but I keep avoiding it somehow. I’d be disappointed if I did die soon, because I know why I’m here and I’d be annoyed if I didn’t get to complete the mission. That sounds really dramatic but it isn’t. It’s a noble mission but nothing like being Jesus or even a minor prophet. Just doing my work and then passing on to the other side quietly in my old age.

But really, how come I keep cheating death? And how come my perception of the world is constantly shifting, as in seeing paranormal things? And why oh why do I not have a girlfriend? If I keep not dying that must be a lucky thing, who wouldn’t want to be close to someone like that? I don’t know what it is.

I’m cleaning the basement where I’m living. It’s starting to look nice, like a human lives there. I got an iTunes Music Store card and I’m downloading tons of old songs I can’t find in my other nefarious ways. I downloaded a copy of Ella singing Mack the Knife in Berlin and messing up all the lyrics, I think it’s one of my favorite live songs. I’m not a big Mack the Knife fan normally.

hey, update on those weird lights, someone else saw those lights in Manitoba on the same night at the same time, with weird northern lights around them. Solid red northern lights that didn’t dance. Very very weird.

Rumsfeld Charged

Holy shit! I am just going to be saying that on here over the next few months I think. Germany is filing charges against Rumsfeld over Abu Ghraib and other torture. That is amazing. And I wouldn’t be surprised if once Bush is out of office charges will be filed against him. Why Germany? Because they have universal jurisdiction to prosecute war crimes.

I do feel kind of sorry for the Democrats. They’re going to inherit a government filled with problems and corruption. They’ll have to figure out what to do with those dictatorial laws and undo all the damage caused by Bush. And I’m not sure the American public will realize why the government will have such a hard time. And possibly the fall out of the Iraq war in the form of terror attacks. It’s still going to be hard for America for the next few years.

I hear the US is now planning an exit strategy.

It’s so strange to think how this all started. I remember being at Emily Carr and they had a meeting for the students to come and talk and get support just after the towers fell. And so many people were upset, but not so much for the attack as for the possibility of war. And then I remember my first day pass out of the hospital in Montreal when I went to the huge march protesting the oncoming war. HOLY FUCK that was a huge march, and I was still all freaked of large crowds of people. And then just watching all this terribleness unfold, and feeling like the whole world was wondering what the fuck was up with America, why they were being so, ugh. It’s so weird, America had a chance to find out why the world hated them and then do something about being hated. The whole world was horrified by Sept 11, it was the perfect time for them to alter global feelings. But they didn’t. Instead they embarked on an illegal war and a series of totalitarian legislation.

I have hope for America though. I think they’re going to be okay, and if you’d asked me that a few days ago my answer would have been completely different.

Neurological Exam #1

I had my first neurological exam for my referral to a neurologist. It seems some of my reflexes are missing and I have a shake. This is all pretty curious, and I’m still having a melange of feelings about this possible misdiagnosis. I talked to an old friend yesterday who knew someone who was misdiagnosed as bipolar when they really had temporal lobe epilepsy. It’s a bit scary, in particular because some of the things I’ve noticed, I dunno. I just think that psych meds have compounded my health issues dramatically and I’m worried I might have developed something in addition to the problems I had before that could drastically limit or shorten my life. And if my misdiagnosis really did seriously fuck me up neurologically, god, it’s not like I can go get another brain.

I’m pretty lucid these days, but I’ve been hearing voices a lot more often than I would like to. And not just the run of the mill voices I usually hear and ignore, these ones are kind of scary voices. Not stereotypical “Kill everyone” kind of voices, I mean they don’t give commands, but they still scare me because they sound mean and intimidating. I just want to be all “Fuck off voices!” I can understand why people start talking back to them. It’s not necessarily because you believe they’re real, it’s just because it sucks to be verbally harrassed by your own brain and not have a chance to just say fuck you.

I got a nice artist fee and spent it all! On things I needed pretty much. I have a router, new headphones, some sweaters, one is lambswool and cashmere and the other makes me look like a butch academic on a fishing trip. I got a neck pillow for my broken tailbone. Some iTunes money, Boogie Nights and V for Vendetta. I got Yaktraks which are fucking AMAZING!! You slip them on your shoes and suddenly walking on an icy sidewalk feels like you’re just walking on gravel, there is NO slipping at all, until you walk into a store with a cement floor. They’re like urban crampons.

I also noticed something recently. Since I’ve switched from Zyprexa to Lamictal, my emotions are coming back. Not highs and lows, just, wow, real emotions, beautiful feelings that actually make me cry. God, and I cry a lot more, not because I’m depressed, sometimes it’s like happy crying. It feels like I didn’t have a soul the entire time I was on Zyprexa and since getting off it it’s come back. My god, even watching bloody Nora get shot on Desperate Housewives made me bawl, and I hated Nora, she was so fucking annoying. It was weird feeling pressured to not have feelings because I was diagnosed with a mood disorder. Anytime you express any emotion people ask if you’ve taken your medication until eventually you just stop expressing anything, living like a flatline seems like the only option for survival. I don’t want to live like that.

And I don’t think the medical establishment understands a thing, especially in regards to the brain. I know I’m throwing around words like epilepsy and bipolar, but I really don’t think of either of those as illnesses in and of themselves anymore. I think they have multiple causes and the terms are only useful in terms of describing possible courses of treatment. And I don’t think the treatment that goes along with bipolar works for me. I think the ones that have are the anticonvulsants. And maybe other epilepsy drugs would help me find more stability. It’s a thought anyway. And I don’t want to leave my health in the hands of indifferent psych ward doctors who only see me for a few weeks and don’t have years of follow up like my GPs.

Save Us Nancy Pelosi, you’re our only hope!

My butt still hurts, I’m going to the doctor in an hour. I might try and get some heavy duty painkillers out of her like Percocet or Vicodin or even Oxycontin.

I was trying to think of an appropriate youtube video to celebrate the Democratic win of the US House and Senate. All I could come up with was Judy Garland. Yep, sometimes my inner fag is really fuckin’ flamey.

One of the things I find so fascinating about Judy Garland was all the corruption going on behind the scenes of the Wizard of Oz. Not only did they get her addicted to amphetamines, but they also had some older woman seduce her to keep her occupied. OMG!!!

And Toto died THREE TIMES during the filming.

Oh right, I don’t think I’ve mentioned this on here. I quit smoking on Saturday. I’ve been too caught up in my bum to worry about the smoking, but I think it’s going pretty good. My cough is going away, I can smell things again. I can probably taste things really well too. And I got my teeth cleaned prior to quitting and I had no cavities. So I’m pretty happy about all of that. PLUS there is always this theory that I’ve had regarding the conspicuous absence of girlfriends during my smoking phase, I’m curious if now that I’ve quit my appeal will go up again. I’m happy to not be smoking anymore. I don’t even think of it too often, well, not with this pain in the ass I have!! Plus it is getting too cold to smoke outside anymore.

I’m seriously considering getting a Violet Wand with some of my artist fee, and a tattoo in the shape of the Biohazard symbol on the back of my neck. Hmm, very curious.

If Bush and Cheney are impeached Pelosi will be president. Imagine that.

And why the fuck isn’t Bush getting impeached? They sure were all gung ho about impeaching Clinton for a consensual blow job.

Whatev. Gotta get ready with my laundry list of complaints for my doctor’s appointment.

Holy Crap

The Democrats took the house and senate and Rumsfeld is resigning. HOLY FUCK!!! Are we allowed to sing Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead yet? I didn’t watch any coverage because I was confined to bed by my broken butt, but this morning I’ve been checking out the new USA. I am so curious what’s going to happen. I mean before when it looked like Republicans were going to rule the world I just kind of gave up. I mean, we’re all going to die kind of thing. But now I actually feel hopeful about the future of the world.

HOLY SHIT!!!

I just got an artist payment from Video Pool in the amount of, erm, a huge amount. Holy crapola!!! Nearly one grand, go Video Pool!!

FUCK!
My butt still hurts, I freakin’ hate it. Broken Tailbones are no fun, blerg. It’s like that OWWWW!! I mean to say, it sounds like the name of a punk band. Or a bar, The Broken Assbone. I hate freezing rain. And I can’t go spend my money on silly things until my bum is better. The sadness.

Essentially it is a good day. Hope is a nice thing to feel. And having money is a good thing too. OMG! I can get Metrosexuality and the Trannyfags porno!!! WOOOOOO!

Off to celebrate Democrat win by online shopping!!

I fucking Hate Saskatchewan!!!!

If there is a good movie ever made, it will only get two nights screen time in Saskatoon (Paradise Now). HOWEVER if there is some really abysmal piece of celluloid shit on offer, it will be guaranteed a six month run (John Tucker Must Die is STILL playing!).

I have noticed this alarming trend since returning “home.” I use “home” in quotations because while my family is here this isn’t really my home at all and I know it. My home would have better movie goers, and more intelligent audiences.

So Death of a President was playing here. AND I knew it probably would have a week screentime, MAX!!! I asked people to go see it with me. I pleaded. I linked to previews of it. Nothing. Someone even suggested it would be american propaganda (yeah, cause assasinating a sitting president is always propaganda.) Fuck. So the upshot is, I fucking missed Death of a President.

Which means I am back to doing what I had to do when I was a teenager living in this buttfuck province of cinematic trogolodytes, I will have to go see movies by myself. Fuck all y’all, if you’re not going to see a movie with me I am seeing it by myself, and I refuse to spend any more money on those goddamn idiotic movies you all seem to prefer. So far I’ve missed Paradise Now, Death of a President, Idlewild, and I can’t even think of how many more. And don’t even fucking ask me to go see a movie with you if you aren’t a regular viewer of independent or foreign films. And don’t take me to a video store to pick out a movie with you either because I know you’ll pick out something crap and than wax romantic on how amazing it was.

I don’t think it will be any different when I make movies. I bet I will have only one screening in Saskatoon, and even then most of the people I know won’t come because they’ll be queing up for the latest Johnny Depp flick. FUCK YOU SASKATCHEWAN!!!!

If only Canada had no dumbass neighbor

Smoking up with my Cuz down in Regina this week we mused on what Canada would be like if we didn’t live next to the states. We agreed we would probably be a lot like the Netherlands. Marijuana and some other drugs would be decriminalized, we would have official red light districts, more and more safe injection sites, in essence we would just be a lot cooler. I think we really as a nation do want to be like that, except we live next to a world superpower who overreaches it’s values and laws into other countries.

I read a recent poll of Britons, Mexicans, and Canadians who overwhelmingly agreed that Bush was more of a threat to world peace than Korea’s nukes.

So tomorrow are the midterms. I’m not sure how I feel about them yet. On one hand I’m tempted to say “Yay! They have a chance to get rid of him!” On the other hand, I don’t think they do. Not that the majority won’t vote democratic, it’s just becoming more and more obvious that their votes no longer matter. They don’t live in a democracy anymore, it’s a faux democracy, but really if they’re not already living in a dictatorship (which I think they are) then at least they’re living in an oligarchy. If they get another Republican House and Senate, what are they going to do? Are they going to overthrow the government? The government already has sweeping powers against it’s citizens, there’s not much they can do. They’d be declared enemy combatants, the National Guard would be called out. My god, they aleady need clearance from the Department of Homeland Security to even take a plane outside of the States (but you probably didn’t get that little memo).

The world could step in and do a major military intervention in the US and sponsor some bloody coups. But I dunno, I kind of think we should just all step back and let the Americans work this one out on their own. It’s not like they have much longer to be a super power anyway, Bush is already draining hundreds of billions of dollars away on an unwinnable war. Their carelessness about global warming might result in the desertification of most of America and thus a third world status. We’re already well into the throes of a global pandemic and still people say “They say the next thing that will happen is a pandemic.” Hello? It already kicked off in the 80’s dudes.

It’s been interesting to watch all of this coverage though. For the first time in history the New York Post will not recommend ANY republican candidates. A conservative magazine founded by Pat Buchanan recently slammed the Republicans and advised readers to vote Democratic just so that America doesn’t go down in history as supporting this war. Even tv ads for Republicans try and omit Bush to distance themselves from him.

It’s both promising yet, I dunno. The sweeping legislative changes made over the last six years have set America up for losing it’s democratic rights and freedoms forever.

Okay, maybe I’m just a sad bunny.

My cuz recently said to me that we don’t know what’s going to happen on 2012 because we’re moving into a different world and are currently between worlds and our future is yet to be determined. I kind of think this is one of those things that could determine the future. Let’s say the election is stolen, again. At least there are still all those people who don’t want the Republicans, all those people who are getting active, and maybe they will push for an even more revolutionary change than we have thought of yet. Maybe they’ll completely change the way their government operates? Maybe there will be no government? I don’t know.

Or maybe those freak ass lights will cover the sky and do something either very good or very bad. Who can say?

Help me Jebus!

Oh man, so the deadline for Berlin is today and I rush rushed home to do my application, only to find all the doors locked, and me with no key. I’m still shivering. I was stuck outside for about an hour and a half at minus 9 degrees. I’m STILL shivering an hour later. It’s was kind of farcical I guess, I felt like the little match girl. And I kept thinking, what an ignoble death. To die in a garage because of an application deadline. Wow, deadline, that is creepy. I was reduced to using my dictaphone to describe objets in the garage. A skidoo. Skis. A plank of wood. Lawnmower and other gardening accoutrements. Plastic dinosaurs. Some kind of toilet helper for people with limited mobility.

Fuck, I’m still cold. I think I should go take a hot shower, right now.

Anyway, I did get my application in, but I don’t know if I squeaked just under the deadline or not. And I’m not sure if they take time zone changes into consideration since it’s an online application. Either way, I finally have a very sexy more polished version of my screenplay, so it will be easier to submit to labs. And I finally have something I can show to potential producers, which is good, I want to find one in time for the march deadline at Telefilm.

Jebus, my hands are cold. And I used a message attached to the door in pudding in case my mum came through the front instead of the garage. She was quite grossed out when she saw it. And I was quite sad for wasting that much Kozy Shack rice pudding.

Suffer fools gladly

I can’t suffer fools gladly. I try, but they’re just so dumb and annoying and they work really hard to keep it that way. I don’t know how many times people have accused me of lying to them when I pretty much never lie, especially about fabulous adventures and history and so forth. Yet apparently I am a liar. The funniest one was when I mentioned off hand that tomatoes come from the new world and some white boy had a huge wobbly and nearly screamed that it wasn’t true. I don’t know why he had invested so much into the idea that tomatoes were a european fruit native to Italy. I mean, how bizarre can you get. Once I told someone else that when I was in Schipol airport the security had machine guns. Once again “That’s not true!” I don’t think he had ever been to Schipol, but apparently he knew about airport security there. I’ve also noticed a disturbing trend that it’s primarily white people who accuse me of lying. Hey man, it’s just what I’ve noticed. I have nothing against white people. I have some good friends who are white.

I think the saddest thing about these people, besides the fact that they trample interesting conversational topics, is that you know they are willfully ignorant. They will live and die knowing and understanding only a minute fraction of the world. Anyone who might broaden their world view just gets shut down. I’m not sure why. I pretty much just stop talking when one of those people are around. I can’t help it if I’ve had a fabulous and interesting life. And then people are like “Why doesn’t Thirza talk? She’s so shy.” I don’t think I’m really shy, I just don’t suffer fools gladly and I’m tired of opening my mouth and being called a liar.

Well anyway. No UFO’s last night but I did hear someone once saw aliens out there.

My dog is a genius. Maybe I’ve already mentioned this. I’m sure he understands english. He loves Cheezies, like insanely. And he knows what a Cheezie bag looks like. If he sees one in my bag he carefully secrets it out and runs away to eat it. Not only that, but yesterday morning he went into my pockets, pulled out a ten dollar bill, and gave it to my mother. I don’t know why he’s stealing money from me now, and even more baffling is why he’s giving it to my mom. I suspect they are in cahoots.

Last night just before the wave of trick or treaters came out Mom accidentally let Schrodinger outside. We never let our kittens out on Halloween, it’s just a rule. So I spent twenty minutes in the back yard trying to catch him and I kept telling Mister to flush Schrodinger out, and he did!

And I started running out of candy for the trick or treaters. I was down to giving out either cigarettes or instant coffee. We didn’t even have dried apricots. Luckily I went out before the candy was all gone. Someone was giving out cans of beer last year.

Military reports are saying Iraq is swiftly heading into “Chaos” and civil war. People are committing genocide (besides the Americans) and I’m thinking they might end up having a rapid withdrawal like the end of Viet Nam. Officially they won’t say it, but they lost the war in Afghanistan. Now we’re in there (bleh) and the Russians are warning us that it’s an unwinnable war. To them it was their Viet Nam.

There are nude photos of Marcia Cross showering and yes, the carpet matches the curtains. Oh man. Mum and I argued about if I was a celebrity would I want nude photos of myself out there. I’m probably the worst person to ask because I have nudey videos everywhere, including a friend’s tape who videoed my asshole. I told her you could see Marcia’s boobs in Female Perversions, so I didn’t see why it was a big deal. But I guess people feel less nervous about showing boobage than bush.

Someone in the states was arrested for having an Osama Bin Laden halloween costume. What is this world coming to? I highly doubt people would think an Osama Bin Laden costume was really him. He’s been charged with Criminal Threatening. Incidentally he was also the dude who leaked Bush’s drunk driving record.

I’m hoping to see Death of a President this week. It’s been interesting just watching the preview. I know I bitch bitterly about him, but I don’t want to see him killed, just brought to justice. Seeing his digitally manipulated face in fear is kind of awful, and mostly just because he’s a fellow human and I don’t want to see anyone be so afraid.

Anyway, gotta dash, I need to write some shit quick quick like a bunny.