I played guitar for my therapist the other day which was super fun. And then just kind of held it and did random chords while talking about my problems. It was such a different way to do the therapy session, I kind of liked it. And not many people have seen me play guitar yet, just my instructors and my cousin and now her. It was kind of confidence boosting to do it in front of someone instead of all alone. I saw a substitute guitar instructor afterwards and he was telling me to record myself playing and post it on socials to get over being shy about playing. He also gave me a fun finger exercise that I think I am going to record and put online.

I have this mic set up but my only camera set up is the phone. I mean, I DO have a real DSLR camera but it has so many steps to making a video and I’m really just wanting to film a quick and dirty guitar practice. I have my computer web cam too I guess, but I don’t find the aesthetic appealing.

ANYWAY I did record it and it is on my Instagram if you are so inclined to look at it @poptartboyfriend

I am doing well. My first Canadian solo show opens Saturday Jan 18 at Doris McCarthy Gallery, opening is from 2pm to 4pm. It is curated by Wanda Nanibush and has 13 monitors and two projectors and many places for sitting. ALSO there’s some technology I used to use in filming in the gallery and some gas masks in the vitrines along with a shirt I wore in one video and a lot of stills from my videos. I wanted my therapist to come see it while it’s up but there’s some nakedness in it, so I made her a map with red lines in the spots where my videos have nudity and green lines where there is none. I’m honestly not sure she will be able to go because there really are tits out in the main gallery and they are hard to ignore.

I have so many boobs in my videos. And now they’re gone and my chest is different. Am I gonna have to make a bunch of new bare chested videos to make up for it?

Speaking of chests, I’ve started doing scar care for my revision, since it’s very healed now. I think it will be fine. I haven’t examined it very much recently though, I’ve been so busy with the new class and other work things. This week I went to the gallery twice for install and also had to do coding of a game in advance so I can teach it to my students on Monday. I’m worried the code is too hard, mostly just because it is lengthy. It is hard but also a lot of coding is copy pasting to be honest. BUT ALSO there’s general things they can learn from each new code. I don’t know, this is my first time doing this class. Anyway, I did figure out the coding for next week and I think I’m going to push off one of them until we do the audio week anyway. I usually teach it sooner, but I just didn’t get to it last class.

I have been enjoying my life I guess, regardless of the state of the world. My therapist said I was very expansive right now and that it was good I was doing things that were making me happy because that’s all I can really control.

I also slipped leaving my therapists office and hurt my tailbone. But I think my guitar saved me, because I was wearing it in it’s gig bag on my back and it made me sit down instead of hitting my spine on a step. So yeah my tailbone is bruised but it could have been worse! And it wasn’t my head. And my guitar is fine. I am fairly certain I didn’t break my tailbone though because I HAVE done that before and it was extremely painful and agonizing. And this does hurt, but not as bad and not as much. I took my last Tramadol from top surgery last night and had a lovely sleep and then it’s been Tylenol today.

I’m so exhausted. Yesterday I was super tired and today has been a bit more laid back. Because tomorrow is my opening and Sunday I go to London and Monday I have class! And then come back to Toronto. Busy three days in a row.

My mic stopped picking up Classical FM. It was a combo of putting ferrite cores on the cable and also hitting the PAD button on the mixer. I’m not sure yet which part is what stopped it from picking up that radio station. But I’m glad I can record using my computer now. I also got yet another xlr cable from Long and McQuade today and some new guitar picks. I’m trying to figure out what my fave pick is and I’m not sure yet, but I tried these cat tooth picks today and they are NICE. They are not slippery at all because they have a grip on them. Anyway, trying all kinds of things! I’m just in a process of learning.

I am upgrading some stuff around here. I can now record myself easier and do streaming or record directly onto my computer. So that’s cool. I keep threatening to start a podcast, but I don’t have a coherent idea of what I would talk about for it. Mostly I’m just able to record monologues and guitar practice easier. I recorded myself today trying to play guitar and sing at the same time. And then I LISTENED to it after. Which was interesting, it kind of gave me clues about what was working. Unfortunately there’s some radio interference in the big mic, so I have to swap XLR cables and see if that changes things. Hope so! I didn’t notice it when it was recording into the Zoom recorder.

I have started learning music to help me get over this emotional restriction I have about particular forms of beauty and art. It’s funny. BUT my next step is to include singing with my guitar playing, because it’s the only way for me to know how many lines to do. Lines is probably not the right word. Bars? But I just lose track if I have to count. But then singing AND playing guitar is not something I am used to either. It’s like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time. And it took so long to even manage to learn doing one thing with my left hand while doing a different thing with my right hand. Now I have to do that AND sing? Ugh. Ha ha no it’s fun, it’s stretching me in a different way, which is cool. It’s a lot of work but I have seen progress, which is good. My guitar teacher said I have good flow when I’m doing spider walks, and that my palm muting is perfect. So it’s nice to see that improve. I also notice it sounds more like music when I practice now. I’m still struggling with the D chord though in this song, because it’s so out of place in terms of what my fingers do otherwise. I get a lot less buzzing in my playing now, although sometimes it still happens.

Things are fine otherwise. Classes began last week, so I taught some students about some basic game stuff. Tomorrow we learn more new stuff. I am going to lead them through making a game from start to finish. So that’s fun, I tested the code a bunch of times and it works. Not the way I anticipated though. Like, one code is to destroy the berries, but the code is on the berries and not on the hand that triggers the destruction. I don’t know, coding is weird. Trying to find where a code belongs can be a lot of work sometimes.

Anyway. It’s my second night in London since the semester started, and for a second time a hookup flaked. So maybe I will take that as a sign not to bother hooking up on Sunday nights. I quite like being alone doing my thing.

I’m having concerns about my capacity for romantic feelings for men. I was thinking I never had any. And then I got a bunch of crushes. And then I realized I was in love with a friend who was already dead but looked like a man during their time on earth. And then I realized I DO have capacity for romantic feelings for men and more masculine people. So I don’t know, I think it’s just because I haven’t had a real romantic relationship with a man yet.

I’ve been meeting interesting people on the apps, but there’s this strange kind of straight/bi guy that goes on Grindr looking for trans men and there’s this closeted thing going on there that I haven’t figured out. There’s like, this awkwardness sometimes, and shame. And it’s not everyone. But some of them have some real weird ideas. They are probably chasers. It feels sometimes like being training wheels for bisexual men to get with cis men. I know that’s probably not always what is going on. But it’s confusing for me because their sexuality is kind of confusing for them. So sometimes I think they didn’t expect me to look as much like a man. Or they approach my genitals in a funny way. I don’t know, it would be more convenient for me to find a decent human I could just be with and not keep looking.

I am still open to dating all genders. I haven’t gone on a date with a non-man in a long time though. It’s just, dating women has very advanced rules compared to dating guys who just send a pic of their dick. Like with dating women you have to put in more time getting to know them. And I don’t know, I would love to get to know men better actually. Like if I could combine how easy going gay hookups are with the challenge of lesbian bonding, that would probably work for me. Like yes, let’s go fuck in the bathroom (except no pick a better room) and then also have the tortured urge to hold hands and think about it for ten minutes before trying. A mix of swagger and anxiety.

It’s been fun having hookups. But yeah, I need something more substantial.

I’m tired. It’s been a travel day and then sitting in my hotel room reading terrible news. I feel sad about Los Angeles and the fires down there. And also climate change was a big reason I chose not to apply for work there. I hate being right already. And I hate to think about how many places in the world are going to be uninhabitable in the next couple of decades. It’s a rough time, especially when the ruling billionaires are fuelling culture wars to distract from Capitalism failing all of the rest of us.

In honesty, we need to demolish capitalism. It is not a sustainable system and it’s burning itself out. To the tune of trillions in the hands of the least ethical of us. It’s our money, they’ve just been scamming all of us out of it and trying to act innocent. Wages have not gone up. And in the Canadian Arts scene, grants haven’t really increased either to support artists. We’re kept poor and the administrative workers make much more than us. UGH hate it. I want to see capitalism fall in my lifetime. I would love to watch it burn instead of the world burning.

Recently a transphobe made a comment here that trans people are mentally ill. And I’m kind of like, are you new here? Did you know you’re literally trying to heckle someone who is already Bipolar 1? Do you know that I don’t care?

To be honest, I don’t think being trans is anything mentally ill about me. BUT ALSO the mentally ill parts of me are also worthy of love and care. You’re literally being ableist. Good work asshole. But anyway, I’m not actually invested in trying to link being trans and being mentally ill, and I can see why some people try to make a big deal over it because they think mental illness invalidates people.

But you know what? When I am depressed, I am sad. And none of your arguing that it is a mental illness stops me from feeling sad. Medication helps. Likewise, when I am manic, I am happy and/or aggressive. And none of saying it’s a mental illness changes the fact that I’m walking down an alley at 3am singing an obscure song I found on Limewire in 2004. What I mean is, my feelings are legit because I am feeling them. It doesn’t matter how I got there, it just matters that I’m in that mood and sometimes it’s an emergency.

And there’s perfectly reasonable treatments for trans feelings that cis people have been using for years, like hormones. And that trans people have been using for years. And I don’t care about your opinions on my body or what I do with it. Because this body isn’t for you, sorry to say. I know, so heartbreaking.

But really, if you are one of these people clutching your pearls over trans people existing, you REALLY need to get out in the world and not hiding in your shitty church basement.

It’s seven days into the year. I taught my first class of the semester yesterday. I actually had an easier time than last semester, which I think is because of a few things. One, it’s now the SECOND class I have ever taught. Two, I get to stay in one building all day except for when I cross the street for lunch. I also had more money so I got a bacon cheeseburger for lunch, which was way better and might be this semester’s go to lunch, last semester I was doing chicken BLT’s. Although I have been eating SO MUCH red meat the last week or so. I made a beef tenderloin roast for New Years Day dinner and ate it for a while, before that I had made a beef bourguignon which took a while to eat. So it’s been beef all over. I need chicken and fish and pork and also I might make a halloumi dish today (depending on if the fresh ingredients are still good or replaceable).

The train ride home last night was only mildly delayed, so it wasn’t too bad. I did my two thc gummies like usual and had a pleasant time.

Posey and I went to the vet today so she could get her wellness exam and two vaccinations. She was a pricey lady, she also had to have a blood and urine test, so that was 450 on top of meds and the wellness check itself. They also want to do another echocardiogram for her heart which is $$$ and not in my budget this month. But I gotta save pennies for her.

I paid off most of the new Macbook Pro I had to get last year. It’s already been paying for itself though because now I can work so much faster. My old Mac was sluggish and would crash all the time. It had so much wrong with it. But also I was able to give the University back it’s laptop because I was done with it, so now I just have this nice sleek fast Macbook that actually works and can run more than three programs at a time.

My solo show opens soon! On the 18th of January at Doris McCarthy Gallery, 2pm to 4pm! In Toronto! Actually, in Scarborough!

I’m continuing guitar lessons this week. I get to see him on Thursday. I’ve managed to get a lot of practice in during the break, which is nice. I even broke my first pick which was amazing. And also makes me think maybe I can move up to a firmer pick. I was doing 0.5mm picks (and just got a lot of them!) because they were easier to handle while I was learning upstrumming. But now I think I’ve mastered that (or am better at it anyway) and maybe a stronger pick is better for me now.

I am waiting for some exciting packages to come. I ordered some audio gear from Long & McQuade and I’m going to start recording myself a bit so I can learn what I sound like when I’m playing and/or singing. I have been able to talk through the lyrics of Help I’m Alive while I’ve practiced, but I know I haven’t nearly mastered it at all, and I need to learn to sing along. I am almost wondering about taking singing lessons.

I knew this singer when I was a teenager named Carla-Marie Powers and she was convinced everyone could learn to sing. I don’t know. She was certain. And my therapist has said it’s possible. My family practically heckles anyone who tries to sing though so I’ve been very discouraged from it, even though I do like singing when I’m home alone.

The guitar playing and singing is still mainly a personal thing and not something I do for others yet. And I still don’t know when I’ll be more public with it. Sometimes I post it on my Instagram, but only the guitar playing. Not the singing.

I’m starting to notice which chords sound good together. Learning songs has taught me a lot about how they are constructed which is interesting. Like where the same chords will repeat and how the order will change but it’s the same stuff. I don’t know, it’s interesting. When I was in film school I paid some attention to music because I could see how as a time based medium it had some connections to film. And obviously people put music in films. But thinking of editing a film in a way similar to constructing a song has kind of intrigued me. But I still only ever listened to music at that point and didn’t make it. So hopefully I can kind of have some carry over between my musical pursuits now and my understanding of short films. And feature films.

Posey KNOWS I’m waiting for special mail and keeps alerting me that mail is here. But she’s wrong most of the time. The letter mail already came, but the packages did not.

The political landscape looks so bleak right now. I do not want Canada to become the United States, that would be the worst. No healthcare? Ugh, I have so many healthcare needs. Poorly maintained infrastructure? Ew. Transphobic laws? Gross. And also the United States has a weird backwards relationship with Indigenous nations. Canada sucks, but I think we have a little bit more of a better deal up here than the people do down there. BUT UGH even if that doesn’t happen, we have PP wanting to come into power and he’s Putin’s little stooge and going to privatize everything and make it shitty. The worst timeline.

I’m honestly impressed that Russia managed to dick with so many countries elections. Like yes it’s terrible, but they figured out how to do it without invading.

I’m trying to be online less. I think a lot of bots and government run accounts on Facebook and other sites have made the internet largely useless. Bluesky was great for a while, until the moderation team decided to bend rules for transphobes and betrayed their base. I don’t know what’s going on with that now though since I subscribed to a transphobe block list.

Anyway. I think I am looking for more teaching jobs in the future. I was googling them but there’s nothing near me in the near future that I feel interested in teaching. I’m just gonna have to keep my eyes out on the career boards etc. I don’t want to move though, which makes things difficult. I just want to stay in Toronto! And I’m also not ready for a full time job yet, I think I want another adjunct gig or two after this. I don’t know.

I did get my Evil Fire draft done over the holidays, and redid my step outline for another feature, and read an old feature I wrote and figured out how to redo it. So the writing IS happening.

I worked on my video game yesterday in my studio and made major errors and edit undid a lot and then finally fixed it, BUT also I updated it to a newer version of Unity. So I’m hoping that helps in my programming. Especially since the students are learning this newer Unity version, so I gotta know what they are talking about when they come to me for help. I think the animations are working better in this version, but I know I gotta sit down and just move all around the level and make sure the states are changing properly.

Anyway it’s 2025! I’m writing here a lot right now while I have some time.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my diet. Ugh. I never wanted to be one of those margarine people. But I am thinking a lot about my health and having a fatty liver and being pre-diabetic. And all the times I’ve been to the dietician they give me depressing advice. But I’m 46 and I know my Grandparents on both sides MOSTLY (except one) lived to be very old. My maternal Grandparents died in their 90’s. But they were also REALLY healthy. Like, when doctors gave them advice they listened.

And I’m doing good with exercise (or I was when I have time and am not healing from a revision). I know how to work out and stuff. But my diet needs an overhaul.

The thing is I’m secretly a picky person. I have textures I hate. And I appreciate sugary fatty things. Like pastries especially. It sucks that I might have to give that up, or cut back.

I guess I’m glad it’s not gout. But fatty livers and diabetes aren’t great. I did switch to Coke Zero. And I’m doing milk in my coffee and not coffeemate. I used to eat gummy candies (but a lot) and now I have gummy edibles (but not a lot because they are edibles) and don’t eat the regular gummy candies. I still have a chocolate addiction. I got sugar free Hot Apple Drink. Cutting fat is hard though, I fucking LOOOOOOVE Butter. I watch that Butter Crisis video and get their profound loss of that one year Norway had a butter shortage ha ha.

UGH I am not GOING on a diet though because that implies I want to shrink and get smaller. I just don’t want a fatty liver! I don’t want to be human foie gras!

Anyway.

The potentially cancer thing on my face turned out to be something wrong with an oil gland, so it really was not an issue. So essentially my only problems with my body are my blood sugar and this liver issue. Which are totally treatable, I’m going to be ok.

UGH I should probably switch my oatmeal. I have oatmeal with sugar in it and it’s prepackaged, like little packets. And it’s convenient to make. But maybe I could switch to Cream of Wheat.

My resolution this year was supposed to just be to write a lot more (and I am succeeding) but I think I need to also change my diet. I don’t want to go see the dietician again though because I know what she will say. I just want to slowly phase in a healthier diet. I would probably heal faster from bottom surgery and my eventual hysterectomy if I got my blood sugar back under control. I’m not at the point of having to test my sugar all the time. But it’s coming!

It’s New Year’s Eve! I’m home with the pups. They’re totally sacked out beside me on the couch. Ahhh it’s dinner time I need to feed them!

Fed!

I got the hold taken off my money today, so I donated to the Ontario and Federal NDP, UNRWA, Doctors without Borders, and Na Me Res here in Toronto. I’m hoping it helps with taxes next year.

Next year is almost here! Hours away!

I’m reflecting on the last year and the year ahead. I made a post on my Instagram about all the work I did this year and the work I’m doing next year. I finished a short film, started work on a new video game, finished another pass at my feature script, applied for a few different things, got a residency at Western in London. Taught my first university class. Taught a video making workshop to Indigiqueer youth in English and Spanish. I learned how to use Interpreter settings in Zoom and I learned a bunch of new things in Unity, especially around animating. I consulted lawyers when things got rough professionally. I felt supported by my community overall which was nice. I learned some things about myself and about other people.

I also submitted my paperwork for bottom surgery, continued taking testosterone, had my fallopian tubes cauterized, had a lot of hookups. Learned some things about hookups. Sometimes it just felt like “Wow this is totally a character study” and I would just get to know these people over an hour or two and it was fascinating. I don’t think I fell in love this year. There’s some old love that is hanging around for a couple of people. And then all the non romantic love, it’s just a different type of love than I tend to acknowledge. Which is a shame I should celebrate my friends and family more.

Next year the Union Docs publication “They Say There Are No Spirits Here” which is a reader about my work will be released and for sale. So check that out here.

That reader… well it’s a long story but I am very happy with it. Vika Kirchenbauer, Michelle McGeough, Sky Hopinka, and myself are in it. So it’s pretty cool.

I am also in a solo show at Doris McCarthy Gallery in January and it opens on the 18th at 2pm. There are other events along with it. There is information here! It is curated by Wanda Nanibush.

I’m also continuing this residency at Western, and this next semester I am teaching a studio course, so that will be fun. And I will continue making my video game. And also waiting to hear about some funding/fellowship opportunities.

I also need to do some research into MORE funding things just because that’s what being a full time artist is about.

I’m still considering teaching more after this school year is done. I don’t think I could do a commute again. But there are a few universities and colleges in Toronto. I really don’t want to pursue it so badly I would move away from Toronto though. At least not at this point in my life.

I’ve got the TV on and they are showing the London (UK) Fireworks display and it’s giving me a headache ha ha.

I remember when I was leaving Vienna for Toronto, we had a stop in Amsterdam and when the plane took off it was already night time and I could see street fireworks going off all across the city. It was about as beautiful as you can imagine. I ended up landing in Toronto around the same time and there was NOTHING! I was shocked, I’m always hearing fireworks go off in my neighbourhood around holidays. But no Toronto just was lit up like a normal night.

OMG how long do these London fireworks go on for?

Ha ha ok I should get offline or something. Definitely not continue writing up my life.

I am waiting for an edible to kick in. I’ve been having a restful holiday, just healing. I went to my friend Aylan’s house for Christmas dinner. That was nice. And I had a couple hookups. One was someone I know already. But mostly I’ve just been sticking close to home and recovering.

It’s that weird twilight time of the year, where something is leaving and a year we don’t understand yet is coming. It looks ominous. But also there are the curve balls that always happen. I’m not sure what to expect and I am not making predictions either. It could be terrible! It could be okay, who knows!

I have further things to admit. The edible I took was a mushroom.

Anyway, I started doing work, and I did get a decent amount done. But then I realized Mr. Mushroom is starting to kick in and I can’t do anything anymore. I did find all my files for this project though, and made a place for them in Premiere. So it’s like, about to happen! Tomorrow maybe I can work on it for reals. It’s a very overdue project but it would be great to get this org their sound files back this next year.

I promised myself I would do some writing, so today I spent all afternoon working on my script. I didn’t even have to force myself to work, it just came out and I knew how to fix things. So I did that. I think maybe the end is too heartwarming? I mean not really, terrible things happen. But there’s more closure. But maybe it was better when there was no closure? It was more devastating before. But I realized there were some emotional plot holes. Like “Would a person really act this way if _____ had happened to them?” And in those instances I felt like I didn’t adequately answer those plot holes before. So they are more resolved now. But also maybe before was better I don’t know.

I was having a sad moment at the end of this year about not being able to make a living as an artist. BUT sometimes it’s okay I guess. I do have a lot of projects I deeply care about. And finished projects I am very happy with. So I guess that’s my life. It’s so strange to think how rocky this year started with persons trying to ruin me because they got offended by mild criticism. Sigh. I’d rather not talk about that here tho on this end of year. Especially on a mushroom.

Anyway, I’m going to zoom with my cousin soon and visit and be on mushrooms and the first time I ever did mushrooms was with her so it’s kind of full circle.

Ahh I wish I had potato chips! I’ve finally found a steady supply of Magic Masala chips at the Dollarama near me and it’s been great. But I have none today.

Lol just deleted a post that I abandoned and which is now totally out of date. So here I am writing again!

I had my revision! I was concerned mostly about some side boob on the left side, but also asked about two points near the centre of my chest. She said my scars looked really good and she didn’t want to touch that part again because she wasn’t sure it would look as good after as it looks now. But she did do the revision on the side part of my chest that was a little extra tissue. So that was good, I was so nervous because she did it under local so I was fully awake while she worked. It didn’t hurt at all though. But I could feel like, the sensation of pulling and cutting, but not painful. But like, the pressure of it and the pulling. It was bizarre! It was like being in my body but not being in my body. A very unusual feeling. I didn’t watch it though, I am sure I would have fainted if I saw what she was doing. I just stared at the ceiling and bantered with them ha ha. But they were great, and then I took an Uber home, and now I’m with the dogs. I have to go get them some food tomorrow, but only under 20lbs of food. Because I can’t lift more than that.

I got my marks in yesterday because I didn’t want today’s procedure to interrupt my marks being submitted. So that’s good. I taught my first class! I need a participation trophy ha ha. I have the break to get my next class ready, but I already made the shell of the course in Brightspace, it’s just not visible to students yet. I need to populate it with a few more things first. And I haven’t finished my rubrics.

I’m taking a break from my video game over the break, but I am working on some scriptwriting.

I have a weird assortment of feature projects right now because one is like, so close to getting production ready and is basically in the ugly fledgling phase right now where it needs some MORE care so it can grow up. And then I have this other one that is literally just an egg still and needs to crack into a full on first draft instead of a collection of notes and outlines. It’s a weird situation and I entirely blame it on my piss poor writing habit this past while. I do write every day almost. But scriptwriting does not happen as frequently as it should. I write in my diary and my blog constantly. But scriptwriting just happens for deadlines, instead of being a regular part of my life. So I gotta work on that, I think it’s going to be my only resolution for next year.

I saw on the news there was an attack in a German Christmas Market today. That’s so fucked up. I went to so many of those markets when I was in Vienna and Berlin and Prague in 2022. They’re so fun. I remember the market in Berlin had big barriers up where the roads were because they had an attack in a Christmas Market a few years before. So senseless. It seems sometimes that there’s not really any way to be prepared for all the ways violence can happen to the public. Like we had a van attack here a while back, not to a market but using a van as a weapon. You can’t just outlaw vans, like you could with guns. And even though Canada is not supposed to be a gun culture, there are totally shootings in my neighbourhood. Because they come up from the States.

I was having this discussion in my head the other day about risk and what is acceptable risk. A long time ago I decided I wouldn’t curtail my activities because of a fear of terrorism, because I figured that there wasn’t a lot I could do to avoid it, it’s so random. And you can’t just not live your life, being inside forever is fun for 24 hours and then it’s a nightmare. I need to be out, even if it’s just to walk the dogs or pick up my antipsychotics from the pharmacy. I am a simple man ha ha.

BUT also there’s a risk in doing hookups, and I’ve been doing those for a while, and I was wondering what the acceptable risk is of doing hookups? They are sketchy. I’m trying to stick mostly with guys I’ve already played with. But also I’m in the market for a serious partner, and I haven’t met that person yet, which means I need to keep meeting people. And some of them might be sketchy. And I do talk to people long enough to feel them out but you never know. Bruce McArthur had a folder of his victims photos from dates he went on with them. Like he was getting to know these guys. Which is almost more terrifying, you could have your guard down and then it turns bad. People are so fucking unpredictable.

Matteo Lane has a joke about how all the things women are told not to do in order to stay safe are things queer men do to meet each other. And it’s true! I’ve had to unlearn a lot about navigating the world as a “woman” in order to meet men for sexy times. And is it safe? I don’t think so. But is it fun? I mean most of the time or I wouldn’t keep doing it.

BUT Anyway, I am not meeting anyone for a while because I had my revision and just want to heal. And if I had sex maybe I would sweat my bandage off and that would be embarrassing. And I can’t have a shower for two days either. Stink boy. But it’s not a super long healing time. BUT ALSO I don’t mind taking a break while the holidays happen. I’m not doing anything with my family but we might zoom a few times. I was mostly going to eat things ha ha. Just eat nice things and heal.

I’ve been seeing a lot of news about these drones in New Jersey, and New York, and they’ve been seen in Toronto and Hamilton. And California and a lot of places. I honestly did wonder if it was aliens. I couldn’t help it, that kind of makes sense. But looking at more videos of them, I think most of them are definitely human made. And honestly, even though I do believe in aliens, I think the rest of them are secret military aircraft being publicly demonstrated to cause a reaction.

And the reason is way back in this blog. On October 22, 2006, my friend and I were driving south from Saskatoon at maybe ten at night towards Cranberry Flats. BUT if you keep going in that direction, you reach CFD Dundurn, the military base. So anyway we are driving this direction and I start noticing these rainbow coloured stripes going back and forth in front of us, like two of them. And they slowly became slightly transparent white ovals, like spotlights on clouds, but there was no beam going back to the earth where there should be. And then over the course of a few hours they turned into green plasma fireballs, kind of jumping up and down in the sky.

BUT the other part of this story is that before these lights appeared, before the rainbowy streaks in the sky, I saw two dark triangular objects go overhead. And I assumed they were birds. BUT now I am thinking they were military aircraft from CFD Dundurn, secret military aircraft. Even Wikipedia says green fireballs might be secret military aircraft. And Dundurn has an airstrip.

I know that’s not the way they are appearing really in this case. But in some of those cases, it would just be a matter of changing the ship and projecting a hologram of a different colour or shape.

Why New Jersey?

This seems like such an Elon Musk prank honestly. In Orson Welles War of the Worlds radio broadcast, the first place the Martians land is New Jersey. That seems like such a pop culture nod someone that obnoxious wouldn’t be able to avoid sneaking in.

Anyway. I think we’re being conned so that the oligarchs can grasp more power, basically.

Also Palestinians have been saying Israel is using weapons on them that they’ve never seen before. So there’s been some kind of advancement beyond those robot dogs they let us all play with.

And yes I think there are aliens/star people/people might be under the sea and underground. I can’t say yes or no either way though, but theoretically some of it makes sense. But I find it suspicious that this is happening just before a new fascist president comes into power, while a near trillionaire is trying to sooth his bruised ego for making a garbage can for a truck.

I got paid the other day and after paying debts it was gone. Almost. I’m so tired of my money being spent before it’s even here.

The other day I got a suicidal thought, like watching a bird go over head. Just this thought that I wouldn’t be constantly asking people for money and to pay me if I wasn’t here. It’s just not sustainable. Someone the other day told me after a screening that I was so generous, but really the unspoken agreement for engaging with my work is you’re supposed to tip, it’s just most people don’t. I can’t afford to be generous at all, I’m constantly trying to get paid or get funding or whatever.

I’m not sure if I should be doing art anymore, to be frank. The work getting attention now is the stuff I made 20 years ago, which means the stuff I’m making now won’t be relevant to Canadians until 2044. It’s frustrating. I used to do a lot of work in the US, but that’s drying up and also legally I might not even be able to show work in the US soon because I’m trans and it will get automatically categorized as pornography under Project 2025. So that leaves the rest of the world and sometimes Canada when they feel like it.

This one place is supposed to pay me but they refuse to do direct deposit and will only write a cheque and mail it to me, but there’s been a postal strike on for like, QUITE a while, so nothing is coming to me from anyone right now through the mail. It’s really frustrating and I am trying to be patient for the posties but it is interfering with my life. So I’m not sure why a festival can’t direct deposit and is insisting on making my life difficult because ohh we can only write cheques. I know they have options, they just don’t feel like it.

And that’s the problem with a lot of people who owe me money, they just don’t feel like processing payments on time. They need a ton of paperwork, or all kinds of things. And there’s never a rush to pay artists, even if said artist is wondering if it would be easier if they were dead because life just costs too much right now. And Artists have bills too.

Anyway I AM caught up on my bills and my rent is paid and I have groceries. I’m not as fucked as I used to be. But after this residency is done next year I’m going to be back to scrambling for funding and grants and so on. Which is hard. I really just wish I could get grants for costs of living because I know I could make a lot of work with my own resources. But you’re supposed to spend project grants mostly on the project, which doesn’t leave a lot to live on.

My options as I see them for continuing with life is to either become a professor, or go into game development professionally. Which takes me away from filmmaking which is my main love. But I can’t do this anymore, it’s too hard struggling as an artist. My career is turning 30 years old next year and I am thinking I might finish up some projects in the works and then reassess what to do with my life.