Life + Pills

Edina – “Remember when you could just wake up in the morning and feel fabulous?”
Patsy- “Yeah, without pills.”

I’m trying to think how long I’ve been taking pills for psychiatric reasons. I’ve been on Epival and two other meds for two and a half years now, but before that there were many years I was on anti-depressants alone. It does seem like a very long time. Probably the majority of my adult life.

Before pills, life was really hellish. I think back on my childhood and so much of it was just dark and intense. I really didn’t want to live. And I was a kid!

I wish there had been some way to treat me back then. Oh well.

But I do remember mornings when I could wake up and feel fabulous, and the smell of the morning dew as I walked to school was the most sensual spiritual feeling I ever had, and I liked life. That’s the weird thing, it didn’t all suck all the time.

So now I’m maintained on three different drugs that work together in different ways in my brain and make me able to function fairly normally. I’ve grown happily accustomed to my prescription, no horrible side effects, but I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to not have to depend on pills. I don’t want to go off them, because obviously they work wonders. But there are concerns, like say my plane crashed in the woods and I ran out of meds. Or the government broke down and there was no way for me to get a prescription filled in all the melee. What the hell kind of crazy would I go?

Still, the little pills are in no danger of being taken away from me yet. Unlike American’s whose health plans only pay for meds as long as you are actively crazy. Once you’re stabilized, they take it away.

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