Anal Sex, Nukes, and Montreal Pick up lines

I had a weird night last night where I couldn’t really sleep, one of those thinking too much nights. Then I had some fuckin’ WEIRD dreams!

First I dreamt I was hanging out with some gay men and suddenly I was having anal sex and I was all “Holy shit! I’m having anal for the first time!” And then I was “Holy shit, this is amazing!” And then it was all “Oh fuck, is he wearing a condom? He had better be wearing a condom. I don’t think he is. Woah that was nice. Oh shit, what do I do? Should I risk it this one time? He hasn’t come yet, if he pulls out will it be okay? I don’t want this to stop, oh what a quandry!” I’m hazy as to the particulars of my gender in my dream. I think I was a boy, but I don’t know if I was a bio boy or a trans boy.

Then I was in Montreal and I was a visiting artist, and all these beautiful femme women kept doing these sly pick up lines with me. But I swear to fucking god, it was the exact same line all the time, and they were saying them in front of each other, it was like they were all scheduling in a sex session with me before I left town. I think I even ordered a drink with some francophone name that was especially for slutty visiting anglos.

A side note, how come Montreal is the epicentre of beautiful femmes? Paris is the same. And it’s not that all the femmes are Montreal natives, it’s like there’s some femme magnet pulling them there. Kind of like Vancouver is the butch epicentre of Canada. I heard it had something to do with French feminism, but I don’t really believe Luce Irigaray is what convinced gorgeous women to converge on Montreal and Paris.

And then suddenly I was in snowy mountains all dressed in guard gear with some other guy and we saw a plane go over head and started talking about the goddamn Americans and what they were doing to the world when I glanced up and saw a mushroom cloud. I sat up and yelled “They’re bombing us!” and my friend said “What the hell are you doing, get down!” and he jumped on top of me and held me to the ground while nuke charges started heading down the hill towards us. Boom boom boom boom and just when I was wondering how much it would hurt I felt this intense heat and then the sensation of being dematerialized. It felt so real that I woke up right away and tried to figure out if I was dead.

The anal sex part felt real too but I didn’t wake up to see if there was really a dick up my butt.

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