It is Clear I have A Co-dependent Relationship With My G5

I have a love hate relationship with my Power Mac G5. I got it a few years ago, it was my first major computer (I think imacs are a titch frivilous). I mostly picked it because then I could edit video on it, and burn DVD’s, and just generally use programs that made my imac run away squealing in terror. For the most part it’s a decent workhorse, very few problems, ever. I’ve had friends with PC’s who end up having to take them in and get them fixed over and over and over while I’ve only needed to call Apple support maybe once.

That doesn’t mean my computer is perfect though. I was trained to be a video technician, and I do know a lot of Mac troubleshooting. I think anyone with a computer should learn to troubleshoot it, but my point is my computer does act up from time to time and normally I can fix it, even if it takes me a few hours. And this is one of those times.

I’m trying to install a gig of memory because as I mentioned above, I need to be able to edit on my computer, and I have a piddly amount of memory (215mb or some such nonsense). So yeah, I ordered new RAM, and it came as a single when I need a matched pair. I should have just put it back in the box, but no, I tried to install it, the machine went “Meh!” I uninstalled it, the machine still went “Meh!” I fiddled with my original RAM for about two hours, trying different combinations, seeing if I missed something, nothing nothing nothing would happen.

This time when my Mac went “Meh!” it would turn on, you could hear the fan and the hum of the hard drive starting, then quiet except for the fan, and the power light would just blink at me. Blink. Blink. ARG! I looked everywhere for a translation of the flashes (yes, how it flashes means something). I finally found it today but even then it doesn’t adequately explain my particular flashing problem.

Besides fiddling with RAM, I zapped the PRAM, I did a Safe Boot, and I even reset the PMU (a teeny tiny button way in the deepest bowels of my tower). NOTHING!! Just that goddamn BLINKING! I’m wondering if I fucked up the original RAM, because I did have to pull it out and put it back a number of times. I can’t imagine anything that fiddly would enjoy being bullied around. Luckily I sent back the useless RAM and ordered some new RAM that is in a matched pair, so I’m hoping that when it gets here tomorrow and I install it, it will make the Machine happy and we won’t have these interpersonal difficulties anymore!!

I think most of us can honestly say we have co-dependent relationships with our computers. I forgive it for so many really unforgivable things, and it doesn’t ever apologize for it’s misbehavior. “Five pages you say? I never saw five pages around here, you must have been dreaming that you spent all night typing up that application. Oh, I don’t like running this program, I think I’ll stop. No, you can’t shut off the program, I just don’t like it, screw off, I’m not going to let it respond to you. Force Quit? Ha ha, oh, and by the way, now I won’t turn off either so you can just FUCK OFF! Oh, you’re pulling the plug, oh aren’t you wiley? Well now I really hate you, I’m going to be crabby when you turn me back on. Oops, I forgot you have permission to install software. Hey! Look at this, I can make a swirly circle, oooh! Wait, let’s watch it for the next ten minutes, I really like the swirly circle. I know you put this thing in the trash, but I’m not going to throw it out. Eeeeh, you know how I feel about Peer to Peer file sharing, I don’t think you should use this program, think of Metallica!! How will they feed their children if you don’t pay for Enter Sandman! Oh, you don’t like Metallica? Oh sure, that singer has been dead for fifty years, but I think you should still order that rare album in from overseas instead of downloading it. . .”

And on and on, ad nauseum.

Sometimes I call it a useless motherfucker. And then I immediately apologize and plead for it to work. And then I feel sad and betrayed.

See, how can I have a real relationship when I already have this dysfunctional thing going on with my Power Mac?