End of Anniversary

The 4 year anniversary of my release from St. Luc Psychiatric Ward passed uneventfully this last weekend. I didn’t say anything about it because when I got out I was too busy being enthralled with this thing we call life and freedom, and so I wasn’t thinking much about the hospital at first. I was too busy relearning how to take care of myself and what it means to walk around the city on my own, choosing food on my own. I was still living in grinding poverty though, and went back to living on tiny amounts of instant foods like ramen noodles and tea.

So again, I want to wander off and do some non-disability related thinking for a little while. Sometimes I really need to remind myself that I am infinitely more complex than just a person with a disability and that all the other parts of me deserve their own time and space. On professional and political fronts I’m doing a lot of work around finding funding or educational space to explore themes of bioanthropology and mental health alternatives. On a more personal front I’m starting to explore my “gay male” sexual identity, which is kind of like trying to put a messed up ball of yarn back together. The frustration comes from the fact that it’s still largely theoretical and that I have made the decision to abstain from male hormone treatment, for various reasons, mostly having to do with not wanting to shave. I’m not sure how to step into that side of myself, and neither do I want to leave the lesbian side of myself. So again, I’m struggling with issues of duality which one would think I would have a leg up on, being biracial, but no. I’m kind of just keeping my eyes open for trans-friendly queer guys. Believe it or not, men only space is also freaking out about transfolks. Transphobia, it’s not just for the ladies. I keep reading Pomosexuals, mostly because it’s the only thing in my bathroom, and I keep feeling reassured by the complexity of many other queer experiences. I think I will probably roll around with another transguy, but who knows, I just don’t want to try having a fun time with someone who’s suddenly going to get upset over my female body and run around washing his mouth out with poppers.

So I’m doing fairly well really. A lot better than I was before January 5. This coming weekend I will be doing The Burn of my stuff, which will be good for me. And plus I have more phone numbers of my friends, which I had lost, and so that makes me happy.

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