From the moment absurdity is recognized, it becomes a passion, the most harrowing of all. But whether or not one can live with one’s passions, whether or not one can accept their law, which is to burn the heart they simultaneously exalt, that is the whole question. Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus
There are things I am supposed to have forgotten that I learned when I went crazy, deep insights into life itself, which make it impossible to ever look at the world in the same way. Camus called it recognition of the absurd, some people call it enlightenment, or awakening. Dabrowski called it Spontaneous Multilevel Disintegration. And then of course a vocal majority call it psychosis, and feel very proud of themselves for labeling it as such. I don’t disagree with any of the labels, however I find it sad that Dabrowski thought psychosis ended the disintegrative process, because it does go on, there is the other side of psychosis, once you’ve integrated new knowledge into your life and hopefully not been too brainwashed to retreat to Primary Integration. I would tell you what these insights are, but it involves forbidden knowledge and of course, as seen previously, can get me into serious trouble. I don’t know how long it would take me to show it to someone else either, because for me it involved a combination of rabbinical study, quantum physics, taoism, and Buddhist thought, besides life experience. I understand why people don’t give away that knowledge so easily though, because it’s something you have to understand deep in your soul more than a logical analysis, although it is quite simple and scientifically based. I hear the film What the Bleep Do We Know explains it somewhat, but I haven’t seen it and some quantum physicists interviewed were apparently tetchy after.
But really, where I want to go with this blog is suicide, because that was how I ended up in psychiatric treatment when I took my first Paxil. I think suicide is a global problem more than an individual one, although it is true individuals need individually tailored assistance. But globally, we are committing murder-suicide. I heard that some politicians in the 80’s said they didn’t have to care about the environment because Armaggedon was coming and they were just interested in hastening it’s arrival. I think they genuinely believed they were doing a good thing, because the closer we get to Armaggedon, the closer we get to meeting Jesus! Right? Right? Hmm. Well, yes and no. I think most people have already met Jesus or Buddha or Mohammed, who are more of a state of mind than a specific individual. But they most likely would not have recognized these beings if they did meet them. The other issue is that most spiritual leaders were speaking largely in metaphors and parables, because if they spoke any other way they’d get into more trouble than they were already in.
People have all kinds of favorite quotes from the bible, like things about rods and staff and mustard seeds and fallen angels. But no one ever mentions my favorite bible quote, which comes from Jesus himself and goes like this:
“Not everyone who calls me ‘Lord, Lord’ will enter the Kingdom of heaven, but only those who do what my Father in heaven wants them to do. When the Judgment Day comes, many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord! In your name we spoke God’s message, by your name we drove out many demons and performed many miracles!’ Then I will say to them ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you wicked people!'”
I want to send this quote to all the Fred Phelps of the world, but I doubt they have the capacity to understand it anyway, or that he’s talking about them. There has been a sad divergence from what people like Jesus were actually talking about compared to what people believe. Now of course people really believe there is an external Kingdom of heaven which will be transposed on the world, and that men like Bush will be all decked out in Gold or some foolish nonsense. And it’s really talking about an internal experience. When Jesus said he would come back, I think most of the time he meant that an awakening would happen within people which would change the way they think and act. It may sound silly to say The Kingdom of God is within you, but it’s true, if you allow it.
Dabrowski said that positive disintegration was impossible for people who didn’t have enough Development Potential, which he identified as traits such as overexcitabilities, abilities and talents, and a drive for personal and autonomous growth. He believed someone with all of those had no choice but to undergo positive disintegration, while someone who had no Development Potentials could never achieve positive disintegration, even if they were in a conducive environment for it. I find that interesting, because when you look at Buddhism there is a belief that everyone can achieve enlightenment. Maybe development potentials take a few lifetimes to show up in someone? Buddha’s first act on his journey towards enlightenment was when he was a beast of burden in a lower realm and felt compassion for another oxen who was having difficulty carrying it’s load. He helped the other ox share it’s load and was struck down by a demon. While he didn’t achieve enlightenment then, he obviously did later on. So in that sense, any act of compassion should be seen as a personal achievement, even if it results in death.
This is a lower plane of existence than I would prefer to live in, which is perhaps why I was so obsessed with suicide for so long. But in the end, I decided I had to go through it, even though it involves pain and suffering. And by “go through it” i mean of course the business of living. I think the fact that global leaders are allowing our world to go to hell has a lot to do with the fact that many are not spiritual in any meaningful way, and that their own desire for suicide is leading them to make decisions about earth based on ending the experience now. The fact that they do not speak for the majority, and are probably psychopathic, doesn’t seem to make a difference. It does disturb me that essentially all of humanity is being held hostage by spiritually impoverished individuals, but at the same time I know enough about mobs and ignorance to avoid people who can’t understand.
While I was flipping through the bible for that favorite quote of mine, I also came across another:
“Take care of my sheep. I am telling you the truth: when you were young, you used to get ready and go anywhere you wanted to; but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands and someone else will tie you up and take you where you do not want to go.”