This healing process I’m in is going a lot more rapidly than I had expected. My bloggy nature sometimes makes me want to write about it here, but for various reasons I’ve decided not to, partly to do with personal safety issues and partly to do with thinking about some advanced concepts that I don’t think most people would understand even if I took days and days to tell it. So rather than try to distill some of these thoughts into the form of a blog post, I’m just working it through with select people.
I’ve also discovered that I’m forming closer friendships and relationships with people who have known me the longest, people who knew me before I was an adult and more adept at hiding myself. I have one best friend who’s known me since I was three, one best friend who knew me in high school and someone else who knew me then too, and I’m going for coffee with a woman I knew when I was thirteen who helped me figure some stuff out about myself during a VERY difficult lesson for at least three people. Also, of course, I’m spending time with my family again, which, although it has some rough and rocky patches, is actually turning out to be really good for me. Spending time with my sister again is probably one of the better reasons to live here, since she’s non-verbal and we can’t use the telephone together. She’s somewhat telepathic, but it’s subtle and easy to miss if I’m not around her on a regular basis.
The worker at her home once said “I don’t know why people think these people don’t talk, they’re talking all the time!” It’s true. I’m excited about her Snoezelen room, man, everyone should have a snoezelen room! I want one! Actually, I’m trying to figure out cheaper ways of having/making sensory objects and so on, because the official snoezelen stuff is ridiculously expensive. So if anyone has any tips on DIY Snoezelen feel free to leave a comment.
Mostly though, I think I’ve undone this gordian knot of being stuck in some shitty things that happened to me. I was really worried I would end up carrying it forever, but I’d rather send it back to where it came from. Bleh, who wants to feel psychic restraints for the rest of their life? Nobody.
I’m also looking at mandalas a lot. They’re very healing, I can’t articulate why, they just are. I’ve also realized all of my tattoos are mandalas!! I was shocked, hey!!! What the hell? When Carl Jung had his psychotic episode he had a particular mandala which formed the cornerstone of his life’s work. And I had one too when I went psychotic, but it’s pretty intense, I don’t feel like writing about it here. Maybe some other time. It’s actually from a photograph I had, but I don’t even know if I still have that photo. I still have a drawing of it though, one thing which escaped being burnt. I drew it over and over and over and it’s not until now that I figured out what it means. Unusual! I think I’m going to start drawing them for therapy reasons.
“… Only gradually did I discover what the mandala really is: ‘Formation, Transformation, Eternal Mind’s eternal creation’ (Faust, II). And that is the self, the wholeness of the personality, which if all goes well is harmonious, but which cannot tolerate self-deceptions.” C. G. Jung