I have an appointment with a councellor, and there’s a trans support group that meets this coming Wednesday and I think I have to stop being isolated. I think I need to actually start planning what to do now. And one of the things I’ve decided is to do hormones. I wasn’t sure about it before, but I think it is something I have to do. I’m kind of freaked about having to go through puberty AGAIN, but I’m appraised of the risks. It will be weird. The only thing is I don’t know how my stupid psych diagnosis will affect my decision to take hormones. I know it used to be that you couldn’t have ANY psych diagnosis and get on hormones. Then again, I know people who have done it, so it is possible.

I feel a lot calmer, actually, now I know where I’m going to. I remember at the end of my hospitalization I started doing the Gender Workbook and then I forgot why, I mean, I really didn’t know. So I just walked away from it. But now I remember, that’s where I was aiming for this whole time, just to finally say, fucking hell, fine I’m a boy, let’s deal with it.

I have been researching this for like, over ten years. This is in no way a new thing. I just wanted to be totally sure, absolutely, I mean, it’s the biggest body mod ever!

So I’m going to spend some time thinking about my gender. I know I’m already starting to lean back towards the goofy punk kid I always was. I want to dye my hair again, and I dunno, wear big boots. Well, not always. Get more tattoos.

And I’m going to go meet some trans people in town. I mean, of all the places to transition, Saskatoon? That’s silly. But it can be done. I’m not in a rush though, I think now it’s just calm and thoughtful. I would have to find the gender clinic here. I would have to do my “Year as a Man” where I just live full time as a guy and see what happens. I would have to get a packer and figure out what the hell to do with E cups. I’d have to check the process of legal name changes and if you can change gender legally yet, I mean, go from F to M on your id. I know Samonte got his gender changed once on his ID, I don’t know if it was a slip or what. But it made him happy.

I don’t know about chest surgery, that’s kind of intense, I don’t know if I want to go under the knife. But I don’t have to think about that yet anyway. I’m kind of scared of doing a gender change in Saskatoon though, because it does seem like a red neck city. But I guess I should meet other trans folks here first. So weird, SO WEIRD! Why did I have to do this here? Why not Vancouver, or even Montreal, where there’s transmen running around willy nilly. I’m worried about bathroom issues, I might make a mental note to track unisex stalls about town. Stupid bathrooms! I should just carry a cup around and pee in it. No, that’s gross. But honestly, I have to pee somewhere!

The good thing is I have watched so many friends transition, so it’s not completely unknown territory. And I know how it goes. And for the most part they do end up being totally sexy folks who are pretty content. Although everyone seems to go through an ugly duckling feeling.

So, hmm, going to go back to looking at this stuff. I have to sort out my options. And I have to figure out if my thing from four years ago is going to totally demolish any chance I have of getting legal hormones. I kind of think it will be okay though.

And I’m not really mad at anyone anymore, I’m just kind of like, please, back off. I need to sort my head out on the gender thing. And I have all the books, I mean, it’s not like starting from scratch. And I do know a shitload of people online who are or have transitioned.

I’m worried I’ll grow a beard! Aboriginals don’t have much facial hair, but metis guys, they can get pretty hairy. How hairy will I get? Oh man. I guess now I can pay attention to Gillette advertisements, which might take my mind of things. Oh, and now I do have to learn to pee standing up in an emergency. Emergency standing pees!! That’s kind of silly. I’ll probably just use some device. Stupid pee issues.

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