Masculinity is a Drag

I’m pretty butched up right now, I will post a picture later. But it should be noted that masculinity is a costume as much as anything, so you might see me be all kinds of boys. I think people often take masculinity for granted and assume it’s a totally natural state. Which is, well, masculinity is real, yes, but it’s still something you can put on and take off in certain ways. Same as femininity. There are all kinds of male drag that people wear, and often people don’t question it unless it shows up in a two spirited person. I dunno, that’s just a quirk.

It’s Easter soon. It’s a busy weekend actually, because some friends are getting married and a bunch of people are in town for that. And I also feel obligated to attend Easter services with my grandparents, since I’ve been going to Christmas and Easter services for four years. And I know they’re concerned and I don’t want them to think they brought up Damien! So yeah, I will be fine, I can actually talk to people about normal everyday things again, which is good because I know my family is kind of confused. I think they will be okay. And I can actually take communion now, which is kind of funny. I think all of us got baptized while Auntie Beth was being ordained, although not everyone is going to be Anglican. Personally, I don’t feel tied in to the Anglican church, but my family has that going on so I have to respect that as well as everything else. And I do, I know it makes sense to a lot of them and they still have Aboriginal ideas. Either way, they needed at least one grandchild who would do churchy things sometimes. And I do like all kinds of religions, honestly. I just don’t like when cults attach themselves to one.

It’s chilly out. I got my bomber jacket out of the closet because my other one looks silly on me, but it’s still not warm enough. I think I am getting out of feeling like a teenage boy, although I know I totally look like one right now. I’m going to be a 29 year old man on the 26th and I look like a teenager!! It’s so weird.

I’ve realized I’m having trouble talking to some women, just because it’s awkward. I don’t want people to think I deliberately switched sides for some ominous reason, I was always going to end up here. But there are a lot of women I am still talking to, and that is good. In fact, if you wanted to try and have an awakening from a female perspective, all of Tori Amos’ songs are awesome. She’s into Gnostic Christianity, and she has some interesting things. And she’s part Native, of course. I don’t know if it’s only aboriginals waking up. I don’t think so at all, not from the pulse I’m getting, which is good. Anyway, yes, Tori Amos is putting out her whole collection this month, it is called A Piano. So if you’d prefer hearing this in a girl voice, that’s a good spot to start. It’s not so scary. And I think she likes all kinds of religions too. She’s very healing, especially for survivors.

My hair wants cutting.

The trans group is AWOL. I mean, the one I was going to go to. Which is okay, but it would have been nice to meet them. Maybe later. I have met trans folks all over, so I don’t feel woefully alone. I actually think maybe I should start talking to some of the boys in my life, because a lot of them are all confused and muzzy and doing self destructive stuff, because guys do that. Not that it’s a good option, it’s just what I have noticed. I think I should start talking to some of the other girls I knew in high school too. I know Heather is supposed to call me, and I have Danielle’s number, and I could probably round them up because they all went off to do stuff. I’m curious where they are now. Mostly I’m getting my feet back on the ground and trying to contact people, just so they know what is up. With my gender, anyway. At the very least.

I’m going to be 29 soon! That’s insane! I feel like I was 24 only yesterday.

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