No Pot STILL! But . . .

I did have some on Saturday night, when I was doing E with some folks. It was not too bad, I didn’t get uber stoned on it. But it was a relapse technically. So I feel like I should mention it.
I drank beer this weekend, but didn’t get pukey drunk. Just buzzed. I’m limiting substances to the weekend I think. But I do still want to not smoke pot. I haven’t bought any and I COULD have, I got paid. But I didn’t. It’s a very difficult thing, to stop an addiction. I’m relieved I have a couple days since my last foray into pot smoking. It’s been rough quitting before. I really want to be clean for a week, then I think it would get easier. Every day away from it is feeling better. I didn’t even think about it today.
I’ve been working on getting a wider selection of friends, mostly from people I already know and have good conversations with but for whatever reason don’t hang out with them aside from when we’re in groups of folks. I have a really good community here and I need to be closer with some individuals who I have connected with. Sometimes I forget I have a lot of friends and neglect them. I feel bad about that. PLUS when I was smoking up all the time I just wanted to stay home and get stoned and not deal with anyone. It’s good to like to be alone, but if you’re being alone just to do drugs, it kinda sucks!!! So antisocial and messed up.
That all being said, artists need to spend time alone in order to be creative. And a lot of artists smoke pot. BUT my question is, would I be more productive if I didn’t get stoned>> It’s a curious question. So many people say it helps with creativity, but I find it doesn’t help me at all, it just makes me kinda STUPID!
I did party pretty hard this weekend, but it didn’t feel bad, I was with all kinds of friends and wasn’t doing it home alone. Still I would like to not even smoke pot at parties. I guess. See, still that semi-waffling. I need to get over it and just accept that I have a longstanding (12 years!) issue with marijuana and shouldn’t bother with it. People say one day at a time. I wish I could just say never, but recovery is a slow process. And it’s one that requires a lot of inner reflection.
Here’s a song for today, and if you are reading this on facebook, it’s a Youtube video of Depeche Mode’s Clean.

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