Sometimes I want to be beautiful

It’s Sunday, and tomorrow is the day I made a bet with my mother that my grant results would come. I really hope they do. I am ready to make a big video. I want to work on art. I want to make something so beautiful people will fall in love with me and not be able to help themselves. Like the end of the book Perfume where he finally uses his magic beautiful girl perfume and everyone thinks he is the most beautiful person in the world and eat him. Although I don’t want to be eaten.

Maybe eaten out!

It’s been an alright weekend, I went to bed at 9 on Friday night because I was still pretty exhausted from this flu I have had for over a week. My nose has been runny, I started out with a sore throat, and coughing set in a couple of days into it and hasn’t abated. For all of my long weekend I was in bed or on the couch just feverish and sleeping and sleeping and waking up to cough and blow my nose. UGH! I actually don’t get sick very often, but when I do it gets pretty serious! And then there was the week and then this weekend this stupid flu was still hanging on! I’m glad it’s more or less over now, just a little coughing and blowing my nose once in a while, not every five seconds. Last night I worked on my company’s website with my web designer, and that was fun! I haven’t had such a productive Saturday night in a really long time!

But yeah, it is nearing the end of summer and I haven’t gone camping at all, which really makes me sad because I want to go to a lake, and I am so desperately poor. I get paid from my needle job on Wednesday, but it won’t be even 200 bucks because I am so part time. Soo, I will probably be able to pay for some smokes, but that’s about it, I need to give mum some of it for the rent, because I am so late paying that. It’s really been waiting to see if I get my grant. I feel foolish being so dependent on what a jury has decided my future will be. I have already been turned down from the regular media arts grant for this project, and I hope there won’t be a repeat of that in the aboriginal media arts category. But I don’t really know. And then I am worried maybe people will think the project is too commercial, that I should apply for telefilm money, which I can’t apply for anyway because I haven’t made a feature. But you can’t make a feature until you get telefilm money. UGH! I am thinking of making Bunnyhug with a cast of unknowns on a 60,000 grant from Canada Council, just so I can say I have made a feature. It wouldn’t be that hard, there are no special effects, the only tough part would be the invertebrate zoo scene and getting a bunch of invertebrates for the set. Where would I find a live octopus? These are the questions I must answer.

I am really happy these days. And I don’t know why. Since getting turned down for future shenanigans by Cutie I thought I would be sadder, but I am actually doing pretty good. I haven’t had a supply of marijuana fueling me these last few days. I wonder if that is it? It’s kind of weird, because I smoke pot to feel happy since often I feel sad, but I haven’t smoked any except for, uh, well two bowls in the last 28 hours. But none today. And none for three days before then. I just have no money to buy more. And I don’t feel that desperate need where I go all around the house looking through all my pockets repeatedly looking for a roach. It’s really nice!

I hope I don’t get rejected by Canada Council tomorrow and get all depressed and despondent. That would suck, and I would be scrambling to try and solve my financial crisis. Which means getting a job, and I have had shitty luck getting interviews. I haven’t been called back by Saskatchewan Research Council for their Interactive Communications Specialist position, which troubles me, because I thought I would be AWESOME for that position, even if I did get my grant. And they were looking for someone disabled to fill their quota, and of course I acknowledged I was disabled on the application. I also checked the aboriginal box, but I am not sure if that is wise or not. I don’t know, people won’t give me a chance it seems, which is why opening my own business seemed to be the most sensible thing to do. But not being able to get a loan really screwed me up.

I am tired of being so poor. Even my friends are tired of me being poor. The three people I spend time with most all make well over 30,000 a year and this year I will be lucky if I made even 12,000. It sucks! And I want to do the fun things they want to do but often I have a budget of 20 bucks for an evening of fun and they have at least 60 bucks to spend and I feel really shitty and unhappy about it. And they will want to go out and I won’t be able to afford anything besides cover and one drink. Depressing! I want to be able to pay my way, and it is really frustrating that I often have to stay at home.

That was one thing I really liked about Berlin, it didn’t cost that much to go out and have a bunch of drinks. Here drinks out are so expensive, about 6 or 7 bucks for a drink now. BLAHHHH!

Total rip off. It makes more sense to drink at home but friends who make over 30,000 a year tend to want to go out where the nightlife is happening.

Well whatever. My Mom is leaving for Wisconsin for 12 days soon and I am going to have a few hot tub parties and then I can drink at home and be fine! Ha! If I have money. Sigh.

Money is terrible.

I really do wish I was so beautiful people fell all over themselves when I walked into the room. Oh well. I guess I am cute. To certain people. People who appreciate butch women. And that is the other thing about trying to get work, people don’t like hiring butch women. Maybe I will dress super femme next time I get an interview, a dress and make up and everything! Where would I get a dress?

I’m getting really skinny. I mean, I still have a round tummy, but none of my pants fit anymore. They all keep falling down my ass, and my butt doesn’t look so nice because it isn’t as big either and now my pants are all baggy back there. And my bra is getting baggy. I am losing my boobs and butt! OH NOES!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *