Depression! For no good reason except it is day 13!

UGH! Day 13 and I slipped into a funk later in the day. This evening I went for a really long walk with Shavonne and talked about a bunch of things and THAT was good, it wasn’t as hardcore as the elliptical, I mean I wasn’t sweating, but it did cover a whole wide area and we walked up one side of the river and down the other and over two bridges. It was good. It brought me up a little, but I can tell this little slump might hang around for a bit. I could go see my psychiatrist to get my antidepressants upped, but I am going to try and wait it out and see if it gets better or worse.

Detoxing sucks! If this is the only major side effect I get from coming off of weed, then that’s pretty good really. I know how to deal with depression. But it’s rough on my outlook and energy, it almost feels like being stoned and depressed, and I was quitting to get away from that shit. It’s supposed to be pretty common to get depressed. Blah! I’m just keeping on with my medications and hoping my mood stabilizers and antidep helps me out here.

I spent my 15 bucks and 13 I borrowed from Mom on a yoga mat. I am going to try and do some yoga in the mornings with the Namaste lady on tv. Namaste, bitches! I’m also meaning to do a drop in yoga class.

I was reading about other issues people have with withdrawals. Sweating, bad dreams, upset stomachs, loss of appetite. None of that has happened to me so far. So I guess I am doing pretty good really! I’m not really having anxiety either. I do have a bit of a case of the dumbs though, which bums me out. Like I’ll be sitting with my mom and I won’t know what to talk about. Or she’ll try to start a conversation and I can’t hold up my end of it very well, which is what I was like when I used. I guess I am distracted by all these feelings.

Tomorrow I get paid for February, and I can finally pay off an old drug debt and then take my next MAJOR step of deleting my dealer’s number from my phone. That will make me super happy. I think I’m ready. I’m glad I get paid tomorrow, I really need it. I need to give myself some kind of reward by getting something that isn’t drugs. I was thinking of buying a new 50 dollar bra or something. Something that would make me feel good. I also want to get an iPhone, but I might wait until the end of February when my business gets some money coming in, since it’s actually a business expense. I’m going to consider very carefully what to do with my money. Something life affirming I think. The bra is a pretty good idea. Maybe some runners too, for the gym. And 30 bucks for an introduction to the weight room at the field house. See, I don’t even know what to do with extra dollars! What do I do? I used to always spend my cash on marijuana. Or booze. But I don’t even feel like drinking booze, and I’m trying really hard to avoid cross addiction.

Actually, this is the time when I should get my next tattoo. Cherry blossoms on a branch on my left arm. I’ve been planning it for years and it has a deep meaning which is very relevant to my life at this moment in time. I used to get depressed every winter in Vancouver when the city was covered with a grey slate sky dripping rain, and I would promise myself not to make drastic decisions like suicide until the cherry trees blossomed. And of course by then there was sun and my depression would lift and I wouldn’t want to kill myself anymore. They always felt like hope to me. So I really want them on my arm, I just never had the extra cash to get it. But I guess I do now. I should do some research and find a good artist, hopefully a female artist because up till now all my tats have been inked by women. It would be a fitting end to my self destructive twenties which extended into my early 30’s.

I’m anticipating it taking about four hours, that’s roughly 400 bucks plus tip. It will probably take a couple sessions because I’ve only ever been able to sit for two and a half hours on a good day.

Well, I guess I should get some sleep. Thank god for my night meds, because they have spared me the horrors of withdrawal related insomnia! And even if there is some insomnia I always have back up Trazodone! 😀

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