Tendrils around my heart

I’ve just come home from the gym, after a very long absence from my work out routine. I think it went alright, got puffy and sweaty and did pretty good. I wasn’t going fast enough on the elliptical though, it kept “pausing” and pissing me off because I WAS moving! I only did ten minutes and I felt so exhausted. Then I walked for a mile and a half on the treadmill. And afterwards my work out partner Laurel was like “Don’t smoke!” and I remembered I had quit and took a lozenge to stave off a craving. So far the quitting has been going really well. I haven’t smoked at all, and haven’t had bad cravings either. The patch and lozenges help a lot.

I gained something like 20 pounds since I quit working out, it was kind of wild! I guess I was eating a lot. Anyway, now I can’t fit most of my pants, which pisses me off. I don’t think I will be able to lose 20 pounds in a month, so I am looking into buying some new cheap jeans and shorts for my trip. I got some new shoes, nice new shoes, and some new keen sandals. They are pretty cute, they are green and brown. Now I have three newish footware type things. Make that four because I also bought runners for the gym this winter. And they have hardly been worn so they are still quite newish.

I’m nervous about my trip to Germany. I hope I have enough money! I need to be really careful with my finances this next while. I am going to be there for five weeks, so I have to live like a local and make my own food and stuff. I am mostly going to be making my video, that will be exciting! So I’ll be nerding out in my room and cooking. And visiting. And showing work.

I’ll leave in exactly a month! Wow!

Someone fucked up my expensive travel adapter for the electrical plugs, which pisses me off because it cost 49 bucks! And I need to go with two because I have so many electrical things to plug in, like my computer and my iphone and my video camera. So I am kind of pissed off. I think it was the Kid. He totally put the USB plug in the wrong way and now it is stuck! 🙁 Sad me!

Steven is working on it.

I have work this week. Lots of work. I am gonna be busy! I missed getting my time sheet in, but I didn’t know I was supposed to get it in until WAY late at night.

My travel adapter finally got fixed, but it totally isn’t for Canadian plugs! I am going to have to take the stupid thing back, and someone already threw away the plastic that is inside the box, so I am not sure they will take it. Shitty! I feel so ripped off, I paid a lot of money for that thing!

Arg! I am so crabby! I wonder if it’s quitting smoking that is making me so crabby. I hope it goes away. Bleh!

I have a lot on the go these days. I gotta get cracking! I’m just writing here because I am kinda lonely and introspective. I am still considering quitting drinking. I mean, it would be healthier for me to stop drinking. It would save a lot of money, drinking pop is cheap, at least in Canada it is. It would be a good idea. I just don’t know if I am prepared, I haven’t thought about quitting drinking the same way I thought about quitting pot for so many years. I was really prepared to stop smoking up. I had read everything I could get my hands on and been to concurrent disorders group for a few years by the time I quit. I’d seen an addictions worker and went through the Test, where they ask you all those questions to determine if you have a problem. But that was all for pot and at the time I didn’t test positive for alcoholism. But now I am worried about cross addiction. I don’t want to be addicted to something ELSE as a replacement for my pothead past. So I dunno. I am considering it. I have a friend I am visiting in Germany who quit drinking last year, and so I am going to remain sober when I am around her, which will be a nice change, especially because when we first met I was SO DRUNK! I’m going to try and institute some rules around my drinking while I am there, like only on the weekends or something, because beer is so easy to get and so easy to consume anywhere really. So I have to watch that. Or maybe just not drink at all. I am ambivalent.

Dammit! That reminds me, I was supposed to talk to my friend on Skype this afternoon and I totally flaked on her! Not the Germany friend, my friend Shavonne who moved to Montreal. Poor Shavonne, deprived of my post quitting smoking crabbiness!

Anyway, I guess I should go to bed. I want to fall asleep thinking about being close to someone. It’s kind of nice, those moments when you are conscious but laying in bed in the dark, just thinking about your love. Dreaming of possibilities and remembering past intimate moments. That kind of thing I think is how I’ve maintained being in unrequited love so many times. It’s so passive. But it is like tending the tendrils of their life curling around your heart. Gentle green sprouts of love, just pure innocent love, gripping you and holding you close even when they won’t. Maybe it’s a bad habit. But it always makes me feel so good. She wants love, I just think maybe she doesn’t think of me that way anymore at all. But if she let me, I would love her so well. Sigh. This has turned into more than a crush.

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