People are really weird when you’ve been apparently single for a long time. I say apparently because I’ve had weird relationships over the years with people who keep me a secret or never commit to calling it a RELATIONSHIP or some such nonsense that I for whatever reason go along with. It’s pretty bad. And tiresome. And makes me look very lonely, even tho I’m more or less content with my life and still have just as many orgasms as people in real relationships.

BUT I do want a relationship, and this year has been really weird because I went on dates that were actually called dates for once. Nothing came of any of them. But it was at least a step into a more obvious direction of possibly romancing someone. Anyway, the point is, I think the reason I am not having a real Relationship is because people don’t seem to realize I’ve been single so long because I’m waiting for someone I can do something pretty fucking major with, and not just for a few months or a few years but FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. It’s not like I’m not wanting a relationship, I don’t have a fear of commitment, with the right person.

And when I was more fucked up and actively using substances and my mental health was kinda shitty, it wasn’t really something I could even conceive of. Like maybe having a life partner, yeah I could see that SOMEDAY. But now I’m actually thinking about having a family with a partner, like me and her and our two children and our dogs. Or dog. Little Mister is super old I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t around when this all happens. I can see grumpy Posey being with us tho. And I know there are ways we could get not super expensive housing because I’m already in a co-op and hopefully I could go on an internal list for a place with more bedrooms. It’s hard to get into the 3 bedroom places, but 2 bedrooms aren’t so bad.

BUT it’s very weird to me to approach women and be like “Do you want to have a family together?” Like I know obviously I wouldn’t say that straight off the bat. I’d probably bring it up after knowing each other for a while. But it’s like, people my age are starting to make relationship decisions based on the family question, who wants to have kids and who doesn’t. And for a long time I was like “bleh I don’t want kids and I will be in poly relationships sure I guess if that’s all I can get.” Which is pretty sad. I mean the accepting poly relationships even tho I know I’m built way more for monogamous relationships. But changing my mind about having kids kind of shifts me into this whole other sphere of serious relationship requirements.

I decided I want to have two kids by the time I am 45. I don’t want to be super super old and trying to have kids. I can’t have bio kids myself, because I have no endometrial lining anymore. But there’s other options for getting kids. I don’t know, I might get with someone who wants to go through a pregnancy or two. I might end up with someone who wants to get on the list for adoptions. I thought about fostering queer kids, but I’ve been hearing more about how the foster system works and it sounds pretty brutal and kids get moved a lot. So I’m super dubious about that.

But yeah, it’s a lot to bring to someone, wanting to have kids. And being queer and having a history of dating cis women, there’s not a lot of chances for accidental children. So I think really first of all I have to let go of some weird shit I have about dating women who don’t want to treat me like a serious partner. Like I am not sure what that is about. Probably some weird self esteem vibe I give off or something. It’s been pretty infuriating to be honest.

On the other hand, I don’t have any old flames or exes I want to be with again. I’m not hung up on anyone. No one still hurts me when I think of them. I don’t have completely COOL friendships with all my exes, but I don’t dwell on any of them or what could have been anymore. Which is kind of the sort of person people want to get involved with, someone who doesn’t feel shitty about old relationships and isn’t still secretly in love with someone else.

I do still have a crush or two or whatever. But like, I dunno, those are also dubious for other reasons.

My psychic said I was gonna get into a serious relationship within the next two years. She also said I needed to get out more, and to be more clear about what I want in a relationship, because I think people are very confused about what I want, or willfully obtuse about it anyway. So yeah, someone to live with and come home to, to raise a couple of weirdo children with, and play with our dog together and walk kids to school and help with homework and make art and do arty things and keep having a career but also this family thing. It’s just like, the next phase of my life, but I kinda need pieces to fall into place before it happens. And also someone to be with in a serious way. Like, for a start it would be nice not to be anyone’s secret or whatever, like Jesus at least change our facebook relationship statuses for a change. Which I haven’t done with any of these weird non-relationship relationships I’ve been in because oh god that might turn off their other potential lovers.

Ugh I really need to quit dating poly women.

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