Shot in the Butt

So today I basically spent all morning at the fertility clinic. I got there just after 8am and did blood right away, ultrasound also right away, saw the doctor around 9:30 and he hadn’t gotten my blood results back. Waited around for an hour and a half when it was supposed to be 20 minutes, but as it happened today WAS the day we started IVF injections. So the doctor said I was not a very big egg producer, and we might not get many at all. He said we could get donor eggs tho and those would be funded by the government. I’m really not sure about that, then again I read some adoption requirements and they are maybe too strict for me, which I’ll explain in a second.

So anyway, the nurse showed me how to do my injections. I have to mix my medications, which seems simple enough, then swap the big mixing needle with a smaller injection needle and put it in my butt, kind of like the upper side of my buttock, and like switch sides everyday. I can see why, because after she gave the shot today it was kind of like, sore. I hope I don’t put it in too far or too shallow. I’m just gonna do my best really. I do this every morning until the egg retrieval, which will be sometime between September 3rd and September 6th. I go back on Monday morning for some monitoring and to see how I am doing, get more medications, and they will adjust the dosage. I paid for my medications in advance today too, and got to see the bill for the procedure. It’s about what I expected. Not cheap that’s for sure, but around what I had anticipated and budgeted for.

I think I am probably only going to do this one cycle. I know a lot of women go through multiple cycles to get eggs, but I’m really feeling discouraged that we might not get many anyway. I think I’m going to leave it up to the hands of fate. In many ways I’m glad I’m at least trying this, like the doctor said it’s better than zero eggs. And I really don’t know, something might happen to tip this in my favour. There might be one magic egg that is destined to be a human. There might be none that work out. And even if we did manage to get ten eggs (probably the top number if I was SUPER lucky) the odds of those working out is still low.

ALSO I keep saying WE when I talk about this fertility thing, even tho it’s just me, on my own, ALONE. So dramatic. Lots of women at the fertility clinic are there alone, I’m not sure if they are single or if their partners are just somewhere else. Probably a mix honestly. For the most part I am fine doing this on my own. Other times I admit I feel super jealous of women with their partners there. Like, there was a couple I saw this week and the guy had brought her some coffee from downstairs and they were talking about the next appointment they had with their doctor in September and I was like “Aww I wish I had someone to bring me coffee.” Today I just went and found the coffeeshop on my own and brought my own coffee up to the clinic. But then when she was showing me how to do injections in my butt I was like “Aww, I wish I had someone to do this injection on me.” And not even because I’m afraid of putting a needle in myself, more because it’s an awkward position to inject yourself. Today they gave me a sheet that had my IVF Cycle Plan on it, and my medical info sticker was at the top with my name, gender, age, birthday, address, phone number, and then at the bottom it said “Partner: XXXX.” Like ummmm okay thanks. I know that means I don’t have a partner. I don’t know why they didn’t write “N/A” in it, or “TBD.” Or even just “Single.”

Anyway it’s a slim chance, and I knew that going into it. Like they are 40 year old eggs. And there aren’t many left. I really do want a baby, and ideally I would like a baby that is genetically related to me and my ancestors so I can tell that child where they come from and have a good idea what sorts of medical things could happen in their life. But yeah, I am also open to adopting. I went on an adoption website for Native children and I feel like I meet most of the qualifications they ask for. What worried me was asking for sound mental health. I’ve been fairly stable for over a decade and haven’t been to the hospital in a really long ass time. But I do have a disability, and I’m worried they are just gonna look at that and make a snap judgement about my parenting capabilities. It doesn’t seem fair, when so many people just have accidental pregnancies and end up with kids they don’t want or they treat badly and no one is stopping them from being abusive or neglectful. And I want a kid and there’s all these hoops to jump through if I go that route. So yeah, it’s been a bit of a discouraging day, which is funny because I’m honestly in a really good space and I have been waiting for this to happen since the spring.

The other option of course is that through some kind of fluke I manage to fall massively in love with a woman who is fertile and wants to bear children. I’m really not sure, it takes me back to what I was frustrated about when I was seeking out fertility clinics in the spring, not wanting to wait for a partner anymore to have a baby. Because if that’s what it takes then I definitely DO still have to wait for a partner. It’s a big circle that leads back to the beginning of this whole journey.

There’s more I could write about my situation as it stands. Like the consent forms are a whole other ethical quandary I need to consider this weekend of what happens to my eggs if I die and they haven’t been used yet.

But I have other things I need to do right now, because life still goes on, I still have a script due, I still have a programming meeting tomorrow, I still have a doc rough cut to look at this weekend. I’m nervous about all these follicle stimulating hormones and if they are gonna make me moody. So far so good. If I cry in my meeting tomorrow I’ll know something is up. BUT ALSO this IVF cycle is so short, it won’t be forever, and after this hopefully I can just go on until I’m ready to see if these eggs work.

Hopefully we get eggs.

We ha ha ha.

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