She lived her life like a candle in the wind

Well, what is new? Ahhh, not a lot. I have been growing amaryllises this winter, one fell over and died which was sad cause it was so gorgeous. It lived it’s life like a candle in the wind! Ha ha aww remember when Elton John kept dedicating that song to various people who died young? It was getting to be a bit much. Like first it was Ryan White, which was really sweet, then suddenly Princess Di died and it was HER song. And then I think he dedicated it to someone else after that. Just slutty with the song dedications.To be fair it’s not like there’s a rule only one person can have that song.

I watched It’s A Sin last night and today and cried like a baby. I’ve been crying a lot anyway these days because I’m finally working through some emotions I was putting off because I was busy Surviving A Pandemic. And anyway, it was kind of nice to cry about something that WASN’T about me or some lady I missed. I think too it really struck me, now as a nearly 43 year old, that these people were youth. Like, so young. I guess something about being so young when the AIDS epidemic struck in the 80’s made me kind of think of the people dying as like, fully adult people. And I mean in this series yeah they are technically adults but also still 20 somethings. And I just thought about what I was doing in my 20’s and how I was still figuring myself out, and imagining that AND this mysterious pandemic unfolding. It’s kinda weird to realize even though I was born before HIV and AIDS was really hitting the scene, I still grew up with it.

Once I saw this astrologer who said since I was born in the space after the pill was invented and before HIV hit, I had this aspect in my chart that would make me be extremely sexually free at random moments in my life. Like not always, but definitely I do see times in my life where I’m way more active than other times. It’s because Uranus was in Scorpio at that time, and Uranus is a generational planet, so it kind of applies to a lot of people born around the same time as me. Like between 1975 and 1980 or something.

I found out recently about a really intense play party I secretly wanted to go to but didn’t attend because I was nervous about it. But this person I’ve been talking to happened to go to it once and told me how it went down, and now I kinda wish I had gone. Because all the things I was worried about were very much non-issues in the end. Anyway, I don’t even know when I will be able to go to a play party again. I’m still doing kink events when I can. Mostly on Zoom.

I did a speed dating event for 2 Spirit people recently, mostly I talked to Americans, but they were really interesting to talk to. I also went to a kinky lunar new year event, which was mostly watching performances. I am gonna go to a discussion group about flogging tomorrow. I dunno, just trying to keep myself out there. I have been talking to someone recently which was potentially a date thing. Not sure how that will turn out but it’s been nice getting to know someone.

I’m not sure how I feel about this pandemic hitting at this particular time in my life. Some people are pointing out that this is really hard for elderly people because it’s like, their last two years on earth might be them being totally isolated. Other people point out that this is really hard for children, because of developmental phases and all of that. I think for myself it’s really disappointing because I had such an extended celibacy in my 30s, and then started having sex with people again and getting dates, and then the pandemic hit and I got dumped and dating just really hasn’t been much of a thing since this started. A friend of mine told our other friend that if someone asked her why she didn’t have kids in the future she was going to point to this pandemic and say it’s because her last childbearing years had a pandemic going on. It’s really awful.

I do feel weird about the kid thing. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I shouldn’t have kids. I’m wondering if I am gonna be too old by the time I’m in a place where I can do that. I don’t want to be a single mom. I don’t know how I can expect someone coming into my life to suddenly have a family with me. I’m really confused about it right now. I also am kind of relieved right now that I DON’T have kids. I can’t imagine parenting in a pandemic. I can’t imagine what that would be like with children. There’s lots of thoughts in my head right now.

It’s funny cause I remember people were always talking about five year plans, you gotta have a five year plan. And at most I was only able to have like, two or three year plans. And I don’t know why, it was just hard to see five years into the future. And now it kind of doesn’t matter. I think I have a one year plan now. Like it’s really reduced. And even then I don’t know what is gonna happen when the vaccinations are all done, like where we will be at that point. Will I be able to travel again?

I think my goal for so long was to get into a two bedroom here and have kids, and for that I needed a partner. But now I’m like, I dunno. Not sure about the kids thing. I’m not even totally sure I would want to live with someone. I mean maybe? I would need to know it was a good idea. And I just haven’t had much luck with roommates.

ANYWAY ha ha now I am listening to this song and feeling weepy. Not an Elton John song tho.

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