So I’ve been hobbling up and down the stairs like a rusty Tin Man for a few months, I did get x-rayed a while back and pretty much have arthritis in my knees (and other joints but the knees bother me the most). SO I decided today to finally order some CBD Oil.

I have reservations about this decision and didn’t come to it lightly.

FOR ONE THING I have detailed on here for a long time about how I was a super chronic burn out for years. And how I got sober in 2012, and my life turned around for me. Etc. Etc. In GOOD WAYS. And I’m not wanting to throw that away. BUT I also don’t want to be in pain forever. And it would be nice to go up and down stairs easier again instead of walking down like a small toddler afraid of falling because one knee won’t bend or whatever.

I am thinking since it’s gonna be mainly CBD and very trace amounts of THC I shouldn’t get all ripped off it or anything. And because I’m taking the oil and not smoking a bunch of joints, it shouldn’t trigger the same feelings psychologically that I got from wake and baking for years. I’m gonna make a specific point NOT to get actual joints, or to vape, or to do edibles etc or any of the higher THC content products. And I never took oil to get high during my prime stoner years. So I think it will work out.

If not I will stop. If it starts going sideways I will stop. I know it’s hard for addicts to stop but I think I will try to make some parameters where if I start doing certain danger sign activities (like buying flower weed, or edibles, or seeking highs) I will quit.

And I also know based on when my adhd meds mixed with some cold medication that I HATE being in an altered state now. It’s just the worst feeling for me. So hopefully I can keep myself safe based on that.

Anyway I ordered it from the Ontario weed store website and we’ll see how soon it comes. I am gonna try keeping it to days I don’t have heavy work stuff going on until I know how it affects me. Like, Wednesday I have therapy in the morning and I don’t want to show up accidentally high (especially since it’s our last session until the new year), so I will probably wait until later in the day, after a work thing. It could be fine, it could not have an altering affect on me. Which would be ideal. But yeah, one time I didn’t take my ADHD meds before therapy and she SUPER noticed it because my brain is just kind of pinballing around the universe when my Vyvanse isn’t in my system. Also I know I will be a bit of a lightweight at first so I’m gonna be careful.

ANYWAY what is new with me besides my sad joints?

Well, romantically things kinda veered off course, or maybe on course but like in a more “We are friends” and kind of letting go of planning a specific outcome for this connection that started in August. I’m not gonna get into it much, cause it’s private. But I was always romantically available to others anyway because it was a non-monogamous connection, so in some ways nothing really changed. In other ways I guess we are putting specific things aside that are more date-like. I don’t know what I’m saying. We were dating for a while and now we are visiting but still getting to know each other and I still really like them. I think it’s more like, being friends who are potentially open to more in the future but not making a specific decision about that now. So it’s helping me learn to let go a bit. I know it’s exciting to get into relationships and all that but also a LOT of people know me and I think it can be intimidating to people. Like when I finally mentioned her on Facebook 200 people reacted to it which was kind of a lot.

ANYWAY that seemed like it needed an update just because there was an update about it in the last post here.

I am still working a lot. I tend to post a lot of ridiculous stuff on social media which probably makes me look like I live a life of leisure but trust me I do a lot of work!

Today was a nice day tho cause I just had a work phone meeting this afternoon that went pretty quick. I watched the Director’s Cut of Nightbreed this morning which I hadn’t seen since I was like, a kid. And then I wondered why my Mom let me watch Nightbreed ha ha. I went to get Posey’s special dog food at the pet store (she has to have this fresh pet stuff that is like, shredded chicken with friggen cranberries in it) cause she won’t eat anything else. Then I got myself a subway sandwich and took off my mask when I got outside because I was headed home but my airpod fell out. And then I freaked out trying to find it and had to give up. BUT it fell into my coat and was caught between my shirt and jacket and held by my round tummy. So hurrah for tummies! And then I watched the first episode of Call My Agent! which was pretty cute. I didn’t want to commit to 2 movies in one day today. That’s a lot of movies. But a movie and a tv show is doable.

I’m traveling again next year and excited about it, but trying to hold off on that until February. I just need to stay close to home a little bit. I’m trying to schedule more breathers in regards to my traveling. Because my traveling before the pandemic was not sustainable for myself. I had a girlfriend for two months and was only in the same town as her for one month until the pandemic showed up (and she dumped me) so yeah. NOT SUSTAINABLE! I was getting panicked about if I had children (which is still a very up in the air decision right now) and was constantly traveling, like could I even be a good parent for them? And then the pandemic came and I realized it was so easy for most events I am in to pivot to online. Sooooo I’m gonna try to hang on to some of my stuff being online. It’s a lot better for myself and Posey and the planet!

But yeah traveling sometimes is also nice.

I bought Tori Amos tickets in a city I am traveling to and I really hope all goes as planned. It’s a bit tricky because case counts in that country are going up right now. And I just don’t want my trip to be cancelled, because Tori Amos. I bought two tickets but don’t have a date to come with me. I’m not sure what I will do. Maybe go on Lex and see if someone will be my date? Lol who knows.