I don’t know I thought I could check in.

I had to cancel my trip to Berlin because I had a dream about a dead bear with a human hand, and then I saw a dead bear on my FB newsfeed. And it was too close to the dream and I just got bad feelings and yeah, now I am not going to Berlinale. BUT my video installation will still be there, if you are there and want to see it.

To be clear I don’t mean EVERYONE in Berlinale is gonna get COVID. I just felt like it was too many warnings for myself to go. So maybe I would just have had bad luck and gotten sick and had to stay longer or was otherwise really messed up by going while most people were fine. I don’t want to chance it. So yeah.

Now I am gonna get all these Aeroplan points which could get me lots of plane flights. And I have some ideas but like nothing for sure, especially right now while I am waiting for a better picture of COVID right now cause the damn thing keeps changing.

I’m doing exciting things in my career. Like, some secret stuff and some more fun creative stuff and all kinds of things. It’s coming together! Ha ha ha. I really wish I had an assistant though, because I’m so tired of the paperwork. But then I would need to trust someone AND know I can pay them for a specific length of time. I used to be nervous about handing my email over, but honestly I don’t get very many personal emails. ALTHOUGH maybe I should start switching to a work email. Like dedicated to work and not getting emails from like, Betty’s Toy Box or Kink dot com. I think it would be nice to separate parts of my life like that.

I’m starting to feel like I can ease up on the weed. I’ve been getting low thc stuff, so it’s mostly CBD. But it does give a mild buzz. But I’m realizing sometimes I just like feeling more clear than other times. Like, clearer than even the really low THC stuff. Like not on it at all. So I’m gonna try and have some times where I’m not using it. Usually I stop in the evening cause it lasts for the rest of the night. But I could stop earlier. I dunno. Also I could go back to mostly using the oil because it’s more steady than trying to smoke enough puffs. PLUS I am remembering the things I didn’t like about smoking, like dry mouth, and the cough, and the smell. I dunno. I’m figuring it out and trying not to let old shame stuff bother me. It really does make my knees feel so much better is the thing, and I was getting pretty disabled by my arthritis like it was difficult to do stairs and I live on the second floor.

What else? I am making a film but I’m making it slowly. Like the first half was shot in 2018, and now I am finishing it. It’s got Super 8 in it which is fun. But I want to get more textures into the images, so I ordered a bunch of sharp and colourful things and am gonna experiment a bit. Its so hard to manipulate Super 8 in that way compared to 16mm. Like 16mm is just so much bigger. And these are teeny tiny frames. Aw fuck I should order a magnifying glass. Ha ha done.

I feel guilty buying work related things, even when they are relatively inexpensive. Like buying that stuff today wasn’t anywhere as pricey as something else I recently got. AND it’s for work. It’s just a weird work expense.

I’ve started a daily drawing practice, and for the most part I’ve managed to draw something every day since the beginning of the year. I am okay at it. I can see a style is emerging but I need to started getting more detailed after doing initial sketches. I just want to know I can draw decently for when I begin really working at making assets for my video game. So far I’ve drawn myself and the dogs and a friend. I also started doing Wordle like everyone, I only did two, the first I got in like five guesses, and the second I failed. So we’ll see what tomorrow brings.

I woke up this morning feeling so bummed out. Then I did work for a while and eventually was filming some Super 8 and getting happier again. And doing that creative stuff that makes me happy. And then at the end of the day I was watching The Descent because it was my movie of the day (I am back to watching one new movie every day like in the early days of the pandemic) and starting to get sad again. And I mean also entertained but sad, about the scattering of community that is happening right now while we are trying to get this wave under control. And I did also visit two people on the phone and zoom, so it’s not like I was ALL ALONE today. I just had a hard day I guess. And yet it was also productive and meaningful?

There are still good things in this world. I know that. It’s just so oppressive, to see this unknown timeline unfolding of this pandemic crushing our social lives and making us so isolated from each other.