For the rest of your life

I’ve pretty much adjusted to being a full time artist over the last four or five years I’ve really been able to do it. I sometimes think I should hire an assistant tho, but then I get nervous if I can afford to pay them. It would probably just be one day a week. Or one hour five days a week. I wonder if that is even allowed? But like, someone I could send to answer like, these specific emails. I would really love to reduce my admin.

Aside from that I guess this is what I am doing for the rest of my life? It’s not terrible since it pays decently. Like, more than decently. I am not living near the poverty level. Like it pays well enough that I don’t worry about money usually.

I’m working on this piece that I’m already in love with and it’s spinning all these ideas around in my head. I want to do a tribute to 70s film and video art aesthetics COMBINED and talk about 2 Spirit lives at the time. It’s been cool, I’ve been looking in these sexuality and gender archives and finding all kinds of things. Like a lesbian chain letter from the 50s, and a discussion topic list for a lesbian s/m support group in 1980 or 81, and some list of gay bars from the 60s called “Resorts for Sex Perverts!” Ha ha omg. I also found out more information about the lesbian bar that was in the same building as Filmores. Fascinating stuff! I love archives. Anyway, it’s been interesting to see how intersectional 2 Spirit people were in the 70s, like being in solidarity with so many people and causes. And they didn’t use the words 2 Spirit, they used Gay American Indians. Even the Lesbians!

Anyway, I am also learning nêhiyawewin again, in class setting. It’s one hour a week. It’s conflicting with a leather group I go to sometimes so that kinda sucks, but I am learning a lot. This class teaches syllabics, so we are learning what sound for what syllabic. And also greetings, like how elders greet a room. She’s a great instructor. And I mean we also learn lots of other things. I’ve started playing nêhiyawewin Wordle which is fun, I have won twice! I found my Cree-English dictionary which helps a bit.

I really want to be fluent in my language. I feel like it opens a whole side of me I don’t know a lot about. Like in terms of the way using that language informs your thinking on the world.

What else?

I am growing as a person I think. I recently felt distress in a friendship because of someone being very distant and when I communicated my distress she was really sweet and explained what was going on for her. And also I told her what part of the distress I knew was my own triggers and things. Anyway, my therapist thinks I am improving. Because I’ve been trying really hard to be a better communicator in important friendships and relationships and sometimes I feel I’m not getting anywhere with it.

I think the other surprising thing about this was that I realized how much of my own issues I was using to fill in the information I didn’t have about that situation. Like “Oh she hates me” or “I’m annoying!” or any of that. Like I felt so deeply dark and sad about it and then when I found out it had nothing to do with me I was like what? I’ve been holding onto this ball of sadness for no reason? WHAT?!

Berlinale is coming up and I wish I was gonna be there but I still know I made the right decision to sit this one out. I’m still trying to enjoy how exciting it is to be in the Berlinale.

My career was really taking off before this pandemic. I was in the Whitney Biennial, then I was in Berlinale, and then there was a pandemic that made people stay home for months. Like real fun ruiner. So many things changed. I mean my career is still going it’s fine. But would it have been different if there was no pandemic? Seems jerky to complain about a career during a pandemic but things changed so much.

Dating during the pandemic has also been really hard. I have met people, like this pandemic isn’t stopping that. But it’s not as easy. And kissing is really hard I still haven’t kissed someone.

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