I had so much fun at the Krampuslauf in Salzburg. Here’s my best video from it. I tried to take pics but it was night time, so not a great time to take pics of moving people. But I did get some good videos. I’m glad I went, it was so wild! I know some of these Krampus runs are more violent but this was way more family friendly and pretty sweet. And if you stood near children the Krampuses would come after them to try and scare them.
Anyway, I have been dealing with my low self esteem when it comes to relationships in therapy and I was trying to figure out where it’s coming from, besides not having a long term relationship ever. But also I felt ugly my whole life. And then this week I was like WAIT A MINUTE! I feel ugly because I have gender dysphoria. I honestly thought I just felt shitty about myself, I didn’t realize I was feeling disappointment at not seeing a more masculine me in the mirror. It was both a relief and also kind of sad, because I realized it wasn’t really a reflection of whether I am cute or not. It’s just the gender I’m currently presenting.
Although the gender I am presenting is starting to shift with testosterone. I’m noticing more things different in my face. I put a pic of myself pre-T next to me on T and there’s differences, I don’t know what it is though but it’s shifting.
I went out with a trans masc person I met on Tinder the other day and I could see this amazing shift between them looking like a guy and then being more ambiguous. I wonder if I am presenting that way now? It was so interesting, like watching gender shimmering.
I’m also noticing more changes in my pants, which is nice cause I was kinda bummed that not much was changing down there. But it IS changing and getting bigger, which makes me happy. I can’t talk about it very many places tho. But yah ha ha I wanted to have a cupcake to celebrate my little dick.
I took a pause and now am back to working on my video game. I drew the rest of the furniture in the BDSM club. I programmed it so that the vampire would show her butt if she touched the St. Andrews Cross, and then I’m gonna add whip noises. But after she turns into a butt she just flies around the club being a butt so I have to fix that, although it is really funny. Lesbian Vampire sub frenzy.
I unfriended my ex, even though it made me sad, and I just sent a message to say why and goodbye. And then they still haven’t read it and I’m just like “WOW you really hate me.” I can’t make them read my message. They probably won’t ever. But even that kind of made me realize it was for the best to unfriend them, just knowing there was honestly no way to ever fix things between us. I just don’t know why they didn’t unfriend me a long time ago if they hate me so much. Were they hate-watching me? Ugh that feels bad. I tried. Nothing I did was gonna change things, I don’t even know if they know anything that has happened in my life this year. It’s very strange. But it makes me feel better to not have someone who hates me so much on my friends list.