OK so first of all, yes I am doing what I can to ask for a ceasefire. I’ve started a faxing practice where every morning I amend my last letter to Justin Trudeau and fax it to his office. I’ve only done this twice so far but it feels like SOMETHING. I don’t know, I am going to a protest in the next while. I repost things online about the genocide in Gaza. I’ve also been learning more about antisemitism and trying to make sure I’m not posting anything questionable like that because I am also worried about my Jewish friends and loved ones who are scared. Today I walked Posey and saw a poster that said “Free Palestine, Ceasefire Now” and I thought about taking a pic, but then I noticed how someone had worked really hard to try and tear as much of it off the pole as they could. And it’s still legible but just the idea of someone taking that much time to try and remove it made me sad. And I didn’t want to take a pic of that.
I have no eloquent summary of those current events, so here’s a buffer sentence between my earnest desires for a just world, and my more tawdry desires I’ve just been noticing that I find kind of interesting and wanted to write about.
SO that being said…
I’ve been watching my sexuality shift around over the last while. Some days life just feels too awful to get horny about anything. But then also there’s been this like, low level hum of a desire that is starting to get noisy. And it’s very specific and I haven’t felt it this strongly in a while. It’s just this desire to be submissive with someone. Like a deep LONGING to be submissive for someone.
But also I am like, so ridiculously particular about who I feel submissive for. It’s like a demisexual type of submissiveness that needs a deep meaningful relationship to go with it. And to be honest I’ve only felt that way about maybe three or four people in my lifetime so far. I mean like there’s people I would bottom for as a masochist but if they tried to get me to be submissive I’d probably be like “Nahhh fuck you.” Ha ha omg. Like most of the time I do feel too tough to sub for anyone. But when I do feel subby it’s like, so rare and precious and damn I just wish I had someone I could feel that for. I miss that. It’s just living as a day dream in my head now. Like in moments of stillness I start thinking “It would be nice to be obedient for someone. It would be nice to be owned.” Which if you know me as a person is just not the kind of person I am, like I’m not subservient for anyone really. But in fantasies it just would be nice.
I wonder if I will ever find the person who clicks with that? It seems unlikely the older I get. I can see why some people just end up in vanilla relationships. But damn that’s a nice fantasy. And anyone who inspired that feeling in me would have to be pretty amazing.
ANYWAY besides that, I’ve just been smoking this homegrown weed a friend grew for me this summer. It’s fucking amazing! And I found a couple seeds in it, so hopefully next year we can grow it again. It is Apple Fritter weed. Which is one of my favourite doughnuts. I also love Dutchies but Tim Hortons stopped selling them. I don’t know where to find a Dutchie anymore.
I felt sad today after reading all the newish news (Meta has stopped allowing news in Canada, so some of our news gets delayed) and I ended up playing some rounds of MarioKart. I was playing as Bowser for the first time. Usually I am Tanooki Mario. But I wanted to see if Bowser was a better fit. I don’t think I’m a big enough man to feel comfortable being Bowser tho so I might have to keep looking for a new Mariokart character. Maybe I’ll be that ghost, or the skull guy.
I’m also just like, doing work and hoping my money will come in again. It’s so choppy. I need to get a more even income stream. I actually started rethinking my prior position on University teaching which was NO WAY and now I’m like “Welllllllll it would be nice to get a regular income.” Ahhhhh. I don’t want to teach tho but also I should not say that in case in the future I apply for a teaching job and they do a background check. OK so I DO like teaching and have done it in workshops, but I am apprehensive of academia. But all the art departments I’ve gone to do talks at in the last year have been very baffled by me not having a teaching job. So maybe I should? Ahhh.
OK but that is not an inner voice debate for the interwebs.
I really like Toronto tho. But the last two teaching jobs that intrigued me were in the USA. BUT politically things look kind of dicey down there. BUT ALSO Canada kinda sucks too.
I have to make the best decisions for my dogs quality of life. So far she is happy. But she is also overdue on her next vet appointment because I don’t have the money for all her annual tests and shots. And it’s not coming!