Why do the worst ideas come between 12 and 3 am?

I’ve updated my name so many places. All my utility companies except Rogers, Rogers doesn’t bill me directly anyway but at some point I should update them. I updated with CRA on my personal tax account, but the business one gave me trouble because the guy said my name didn’t match (of course it doesn’t! Because I am changing it!) so I got angry and hung up on him. I have to change my SIN but I need my birth certificate before I can do that. I need to do my Status Card so I have an appointment at the beginning of April. I’m hoping to do my passport soon but obviously I’m waiting for that birth certificate still.

I checked the birth certificate processing times and it has jumped to the end of January applications. Mine was the beginning of February so I am hoping they get to it soon! I don’t know how frequently they update processing times because for the longest time it said beginning of January and today jumped to the end of January. So who knows! It might just show up one morning.

I’m also busy with work again. I am doing a jury so that’s a lot of reading and listening and watching. It’s publicly known I am on this jury so I think it’s fine to mention here. I’ve been on other juries where I had to keep things confidential and that’s always awkward because I like talking about what I am working on on my fb and when I’m doing those juries I’m just like “yep I did work today, I’m finally done work for the week, etc.” No elaboration! I’m not really going to elaborate on this jury either though because my opinions are only for the jury.

I did figure out how many applications I need to get through so that I can work on weekdays and have weekends off. So today is my last day for the week on these applications since it’s Friday. I started in the morning this time, because I was doing afternoons only but that left me still doing work and exhausted by 6:30 when it was dinner time. And too late to go to the gym!

I might get behind today tho because I have to go to the lab to do bloodwork. It’s time for my PrEP to get prescribed again but they need to do the STI check so yeah, and I flaked yesterday which means when they test my testosterone it won’t be at the right level since I do those checks on Thursday. Dammit. And I already got my emergency ten pills so I really need to do it today so I can get the rest of my prescription next week.

I miss the gym a lot, and I kind of avoided it for two weeks after hurting myself at boxing class. So I am hoping tonight I can go. I really want to work out again and I’m feeling way too sedentary. It’s been really gender euphoric to see my muscles get bigger, although I’m painfully aware I’m not eating enough to really bulk up. Anyway hopefully I didn’t lose any gains.

My new puppy Todd loves music and it’s really cute. I finally got a video today because it’s this one song he loves, the orchestral version of Breaking Down by Florence and the Machine. He sits up and starts tilting his head in wonder, it’s honestly so adorable. I’ve mostly been listening to youtube videos of tarot readers, so I haven’t been listening to as much music as I usually do. I notice he acts the same way for some other tunes but it’s always that one song he loves without fail. So cute! I love him.

My therapist told me before I got him that I could bring him with me to therapy sometime if I want. I do want to, but he’s still not great with pee pads. Also I feel weird about bringing a pee pad with me to therapy. But puppies are so cute and Todd is shy but more friendly than Posey, so he could meet my therapist.

He’s still very nippy. I’m starting his puppy classes next week finally so I’m hoping to stop that. He got cancelled for an earlier puppy class because no other dogs signed up. It was kind of frustrating because he only has March left to be able to do the classes, and if they keep getting cancelled he is going to age out of the program and my money will have been spent on nothing.

ANYWAY ugh. He’s not four months yet but he’s three months and time is ticking.

He’s not very smart about the leash and walkies. When I put him on his leash he wants to sit down until I pick him up again. I could probably get him walking if we took Posey, but she likes long walks and I have been taking her out on her own, and I don’t think he could keep up with her for that long yet.

It is nice raising a baby dog again though, even though sometimes he stresses me out. He barks at Posey if she is chewing something and it bothers both of us. So I’m hoping he grows out of it.

I am reading We Both Laughed In Pleasure: The Selected Diaries of Lou Sullivan, and it’s really fascinating. For one thing, it’s cool to see what he was going through to transition way back then. For another thing his gay sex adventures are amazing and it’s nice to read someone so unabashedly horny. I have kept a private diary for years but haven’t known what to do with it because it’s filled with sexual fantasies and angst. But maybe that will be interesting to someone in 30 years, if humanity survives that long. I also liked the parts where he talks about what it’s like to be stealth in some places in his life and his anxiety about being discovered.

I’ve had this longstanding routine after therapy to go to the bakery and get two apple turnovers and two Jamaican beef patties. This last time I went I also got a fresh loaf of bread and OMG. My life quality went up just from this loaf of bread. It’s so much better than the store bread. So I think I have to add that to my routine even tho it’s an extra seven or eight dollars.

I’ve noticed my taste in men is like, very open, but I really like guys with facial hair. Like very masculine I suppose. I am still attracted to Femme women though. I find it kind of interesting that the genders I am attracted to are so divergent. If I liked Femme women and men maybe that would make more sense? I don’t know. Maybe sexuality just doesn’t make sense.

I love some people in my life, but I haven’t fallen massively IN love in a long time. It’s kind of depressing sometimes if I think about it too hard. The last time I was in love I was like, wanting EVERYTHING. And now I feel like my internal passion and need and want is kind of gone. Maybe that’s a good thing? It’s not like I don’t have people who want to date me, or even who ARE dating me. It’s just that that obsessive LOVE is gone from my life. I was reading part of Lou’s diary where he’s super in love and it’s so weird to read that as someone who isn’t in love. I can kind of remember what that felt like. But I can’t feel it anymore.

I’m also wondering if I am just being more cautious about love. I’ve thrown my whole heart at so many emotionally unavailable people, and I don’t want to do that anymore. And there’s really not anyone emotionally available who I’m falling for around me. So there’s no where to throw my whole heart. I’m in that weird phase after heartbreak where the emotions just kind of lean back to the past only because there’s no new amazing person to dream of a future with.

I was having anxiety that I would lose my therapist and she assured me she wasn’t retiring any time soon, but if she won the lottery she would make art and travel. And I thought that was nice but then later realized that’s what I’m doing now. I mean, I didn’t win the lottery though. BUT I am living out my dreams. I always wanted to be an artist and always wanted to travel. It would be nice to have a partner to travel with. But yeah I need to be swept off my feet and it’s just not happened recently.

Last night in bed I was thinking about confronting an ex who cut me off for no good reason (we didn’t have a fight to my knowledge, but she has a grudge against me for some reason) and then I was like NOOOO do not send an Instagram message at 3am, that’s a terrible idea! So I didn’t. Why do the worst ideas come between 12 and 3am?

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