I’m back in Toronto! And I got a new guitar! It’s a Fender player II HH Telecaster. It’s SO NICE! It does have a buzz on the low E string which I have to figure out. I think it needs a set up. I didn’t get a gig bag for it, so I ordered one. I ordered a case too, but that’s more for planes. Have no idea if I will keep it though, I could do better with just the gig bag. I could lend the case to people who need to travel I guess, but usually people have their own stuff.

I had a cord and an amp anyway from my traveller guitar. But I should probably get a better amp at some point.

At the same time, when I finally got my acoustic out that I had left here while I was in Saskatoon it was SO NICE to play. I feel like I am developing an emotional connection with my guitar which is really interesting. I love him! Or her! Or it! I don’t know what gender it has ha ha maybe none. It’s genderless. I look pretty sexy with the Fender too.

Here I am with my new guitar! I haven’t recorded myself playing it yet. I don’t know much about electric guitars, I do know how to play some stuff that I learned on my acoustic. I need to learn how to get the tones right. I don’t know the settings very well. While I was googling guitar lessons online I found a course on guitar for beginners through Coursera. So I started the first module, it was pretty extensive but also mostly things I already knew from my lessons on acoustic. I’m excited to see where it goes though because I’m hoping I can deepen my understanding of it.

I’m still taking lessons from my guy in town. I missed I think two lessons while I was in Europe. But I did the Saskatoon lesson because I could borrow my friends acoustic for it. And I have my travel guitar. He showed me how to do the rhythm guitar for Dreams by Fleetwood Mac, and a lick from it, but sort of adapted because they used a lot of effects in their version. It is fairly simple. I was practicing that and Zombie and What’s Up and I got it going pretty good. I think I might start trying to sing, but that makes me so nervous but also I need to get over my fear of it.

I’m feeling pretty happy about my life right now. It’s sort of a pleasurable life. Yesterday I had sex with an ongoing hookup and it was super fun, and today is a different guy. And I play my guitar and smoke weed and make art and read things and listen to music. I have to start recording my practices so that I can make a video out of it. It’s like, a background video for a performance I’m doing in Regina. I was anticipating that I would play really badly, but today when I was practicing I was noticing I’m getting really good at it. I do need to use a metronome though. I need to get the tempo right and I need to sing while I play. But yeah, and traveling was super nice in a pleasurable way even though I’m really happy to be home with the dogs now.

I’m also having a really good time with my writing right now. I’m working on a few things including this unfunded book. The book is coming along. I’ve got 24 pages written now. But things happen very quickly in it and I know it’s more of a prose-y outline than the book as I envision it in the future. But I’m hoping to get 100 pages down with the entire story and then go back over it and rewrite things and expand them. I also think when it’s all down I can go back in and change some things around. Like, a lot of the story is given away already, but I think I’m going to try and save some stuff for later on when I rewrite it. Because it’s better to keep some secrets along the way and let the reader discover it.

I’ve also been doing a lot of edibles these days and it’s kind of ridiculous so I’m going to cut back. It was fine on vacation though. And I did shrooms with my friend and had a pleasant time. But the combo of Mind Altering Substances and Writing a Novel is triggering all my anxieties about going through a psychotic break. I’m fine. I did my checklist. My sleep is amazing! Never better, and when I’m having mental episodes my sleep sucks ass. So I know that’s fine. I’m able to make decisions about my life, so that’s fine. I am having more sex but that’s not really a new thing. But mostly what’s making me anxious is that whenever I had a psychotic break it would be like being stuck in a story with no end. Like I knew some of my delusions were a story I was making up but I was also living in it and stuck in it. While when I’m not on as many edibles, I can see how this story I’m living with is just me being creative. The other day I went to see Sinners (such a good film!) and in the beginning with the horror trailers before the movie I was like “OH NO I’m not at the right film for these edibles!” But I was fine. BUT yeah I seem to be good at reminding myself I’m on drugs when I’m on drugs.

I also have to get into my scriptwriting. I think I am untangling what this next draft will look like, but it’s different. Like the end setting is different. But similar.

Yeah so this summer I just want to play guitar, go to the gym, write, make art, have sex, read, watch films, and listen to music. And Cows and Plows is supposed to be coming soon, so I should be able to get by. ALSO I have funds to make a short film! So I will also be doing that, which also involves me acting on screen for the entire film. I was going to have to cry at the end, but now I’m thinking maybe that’s not as realistic. Especially for a trans man, I mean it’s just hard for us to cry. Not everyone but it’s common to have difficulty crying on testosterone. I CAN cry but it’s rare, especially compared to before when I cried every day on estrogen.

Anyway lots of work to do but also I find myself doing things that I am enjoying, which is a great place to be in at the age of 47!