I’ve been doing work stuff every day recently. It’s nice I guess, I like working. I like thinking about things. I have to plan my next shoot, so I am starting to break down my script and start thinking about shot lists and storyboards and stuff. Looking for locations and getting a casting call ready. Looking for three crew members. And trying to do it all within my budget. I think it might work out, I’m the producer/writer/director/star of this short so it’s a lot of different types of work. I will probably be the editor too, but who knows, I can apply separately for post production funds. It’s more of a narrative drama than my other stuff. And it’s depressing I’m sorry it doesn’t have a happy ending. A very bummer film.

But it’s about something I’ve been meaning to make a film about for a while.

I’ve got lots of ideas for things these days which is always encouraging for a creative person. I feel like I need to be healthier so I can live long enough to make my art that I want to make. I remember my Grandparents kind of had different health crises later in life that made them super strict on diet and exercise and they did make it to their 90’s. So I guess I am getting that kind of wake up call although much more mildly. I know this smoking weed is not great, edibles are ok but my lungs need something better.

I just ate some shrooms so I have to write this before they kick in.

I really have no earth shattering info for you today. My moustache hairs are still there, I guess at some point I will have to trim them. My sideburns and cheeks are still really blonde hairs. It’s coming. I feel like a chia pet being so concerned about what’s growing or not growing on me. My transition continues. I checked in with the surgeon’s office about where I am in the queue for a consult. I’m in the window of them calling, anytime between now and August or so. And then I don’t know how long I will have to wait before I get surgery.

Cis people are so weird about trans surgeries, especially bottom surgery. I guess I’m coming at this from someone who has a shitload of tattoos and had all kinds of piercings including some on my genitals. I was reading all those alternative webpages in the early 00’s about body modification and I sort of have this sense that people can do whatever they want with their bodies even if someone else thinks it’s a bad idea. Want to file all your teeth into points? Why not? Want to tattoo lizard skin on your body? Sure! Want to get horns implanted? Cool? Want to have genitals that make you happier? Even Elon tried to get a penis implant (supposedly, this is not verified). So really it’s none of anyone else’s business what someone does with their own body.

So I want my dick to stick out more and have balls, it’s really not a big deal to anyone except for me and I shouldn’t have to pass a bunch of tests and assessments to be allowed to get bottom surgery. NEVERTHELESS I did do all the assessments and talked to all the people and etc etc. I got approved by the government. So now it’s just waiting. But also I’m not as prepared this time around as I was for top surgery, I don’t have someone coming to stay with me. I might see if a friend can. Or look on Grindr ha ha jk no never. But I did kind of have help during top surgery and I could do one of those scheduler things again. It’s just so depressing trying to schedule care and not having enough people sign up. I wish I was just a rich dude and could pay someone to come carry my groceries, trash, laundry, and walk my dogs. I don’t know, I am much more comfortable paying for things than asking for free help. PLUS so many friends live in the West End and I am on the way to the East so people get nervous. At least I’m not on the wrong side of the Don River Valley that freaks out so many Torontonians ha ha.

Anyway maybe I can apply what I learned from my top surgery to my bottom surgery. For one thing if I fundraise I will ask for more money than top surgery because it cost a lot more than I expected to take time out of work. BUT ALSO this might be a multiple steps surgery, potentially two steps anyway.

What else is going on? It’s fucking hot outside. I was going to go to the gym, but I went to Dollarama and Home Hardware and that was enough. SO HOT. I have air conditioning now and it’s made such a difference. I don’t know how I didn’t die in this heat before honestly. I wish I could go get ice cream but I don’t want to go out. Ughhh heat sucks. Toronto gets so hot in the summer too, it’s brutal.

I repotted my Dragon Tree. I practiced my guitar. I am starting to get better at Come As You Are but going from G to A to C to A to C just messes me up. My pinky does not want to be involved but it has a job to do! It’s the weakest and laziest of my fingers. Just comes along for the ride most of the time. Anyway, learning guitar means I have to practice fingers independently moving and having more strength, so it will come it’s just taking a while.

The dogs are bored but having their doggy naps, so that’s nice. And there’s leftover taco meat so I think I will have that for dinner. I got a new cheese grater because mine went missing.

Sorry this is such an anti-climactic post. There’s really nothing to follow up from the last post, it’s out there and I’m just getting on with life.