It’s Friday night! Ha ha. Anyway, I am home, I’m trying to take it easy because I am doing auditions for the next five days. 5 tomorrow and 6 on Sunday! I feel they probably won’t take a super long time, but everyone is in an hour slot except for a couple of voice over auditions. But I think it’s more like 15-20 minutes each. 30 if they are auditioning for more than one part. But I will be home all day tomorrow and Sunday.

And I keep getting messages from potential new hookups and there’s really no time for them. Which is too bad I guess. But I only have to do this heavy work stuff for five days then it’s back to assorted jobs and things.

A heat wave is coming so it’s just as well that I’ll be sticking to the indoors this weekend.

I’m trying to figure out how to get more money in my life. I feel like I have the skills that could make a lot of money. I have all the stories. It’s just a lot trying to break into an industry that now is scared of fascists and capitulating to their fascist desires in advance. ESPECIALLY as a transgender director, because my art is taboo just for who I am.

Sometimes people will ask about my work like it’s shocking. Shocking is such a weird word. I don’t know, it comes across as judgmental to me. It’s also unpleasant when it’s just your life story.

I’m doing a lot of career stuff right now but it’s not really stuff I want to mention as so much of it is like, not a sure thing at all right now. And some are extremely important projects that I need to invest time into. And I guess hope they make me money one day? I feel like I have at least three extremely potentially successful projects floating around in my head. I know I have to get stricter about work hours.

I think I was also smoking a lot of weed. Or vaping it rather. And smoking but I was vaping for a while and just got this ominous feeling I needed to quit. So I quit vaping. I still smoke joints and do edibles. But I don’t smoke indoors anymore which I think is making a difference in here. My clothes used to smell all smokey. Anyway, I’ve had a lot more energy and creative drive since cutting back on smoking weed. I also have been making a point to buy stuff that has creative listed as an effect, because it helps me think better.

I saw this youtube video the other day about the longterm harms of antipsychotics and I didn’t watch it but there was this photo of a brain scan with like, a wide area missing. And I have no idea if that was a metaphor or an actual brain scan. Anyway, I’ve been on antipsychotics since 2003 and I’m not getting off of them because I rather like sanity, as difficult a burden as it is. And I guess I’m just worried I am losing something by having to be on them. But literally this would become the Theo Is Jesus blog if I wasn’t on them. Which no one needs. Least of all me!

I’m trying to aspire for a better life. I don’t know, I think I got in a rut and then decided I would never grow out of that rut, it was good enough. But I realized recently that I want a bigger apartment with a room I can do music and art stuff in, and I made a list of the ideal things I want in a place to live. And then I started looking at properties in Toronto in the areas I would like to stay/move to. And I was always against condos (especially because of what they have done to this city) but I was looking at some that had shared amenities like a gym and a pool and a hot tub etc. And I guess that does look really appealing.

I was sending my mom links to properties I can’t afford all day today ha ha she must be so tired of it.

BUT it was really helpful to see the prices of houses and condos and the amount needed for down payments etc. I know I can’t do it financially right now. BUT I could start trying to figure out how to monetize my extensively trained brain. It sometimes seems ridiculous to have this large of a skillset and still struggle with money so often. My work is just very undervalued and it feels like the value is being pushed down even more with fascism. I lost a lot of work in the US since the Trump government got into power. And I know some of that is because I refuse/can’t travel to the US anymore. But also I think some of it is because the easiest thing to avoid raising alarm bells over funding is to just not hire someone like me.

At least Canada is kind of hanging on. We just need to make transphobia very uncool. Because it is uncool! There’s nothing interesting about being so afraid of difference that you try to erase it.

And we also need to get settlers to buy us real estate. I saw a very cute condo/townhouse with maybe a pool that you could buy me, if you are a rich person reading this.