I talked to the doctor who asked for my MRI and he was really downplaying it, I was thinking oh fuck does he think my life is normal because I can walk and talk? BUT! He referred me to the neurosurgeon. I looked her up and she has really good reviews, I read all of them and she’s in the top three neurosurgeons in Toronto. I have no idea when my first appointment will be. Hopefully sooner than March when I’m supposed to see the neurologist. Anyway it was some good news which I definitely needed because I kind of had a downward despair spiral yesterday.
It’s just very difficult emotionally to not get supported anymore in the creative industry I spent my whole life in training for. So that was most of the spiral. Also reading about how Lilly Wachowski can’t even get funded because her project is trans. She had to do a table read just to get the story out there.
That’s why I’m writing books. Although I did commit myself to some film projects that I have to finish somehow. But it does seem really dire. I was telling my therapist it feels like the conservatives won because no one is funding trans projects anymore. And she said no victory is final, like for either side, but also it might go back to being more open and accepting in the future.
It’s crazy because so much of this culture war is being waged by bots from foreign countries, influencing people and making them think the majority of real living breathing humans think one way, when really it’s the other way. And some people go along with whatever they think is popular, so the bots influence IS working on them. And Trump lost that election, I’m sorry but the voting machines were rigged, the majority of Americans don’t like him or his party at all. So going along with him just because he has power now will hopefully bite these cowardly media executives in the ass in the future.
Anyway I can’t fix that right now, I’m still struggling to find employment and money. I did think about doing sex work but I think I’m not interested in having sex with whoever. I like hookups, but that’s different. I don’t think I want my Grindr account to be some business thing I have to do. Terrible! I would rather have gay sex as a delightful thing, not yet another job. And I would only want to have sex with handsome men and then they’re too cute why would I ask them for money? Ha ha also I am hooking up with two people I really like right now, so I don’t have time to chase money on Grindr.
Anyway yeah, besides doing a lot of writing right now, I am also trying to figure out how to make a living in a world that doesn’t want my stories. So it’s hard. And definitely a reason to despair, but I have to see my life through in case it improves after I get my shunt. I’m wondering if I should go back to school to train in another career. It’s very frustrating right now. That’s all I keep writing in my diary “I am so frustrated.” I don’t know how to be less frustrated and more optimistic. But hopefully I can get my brain surgery sooner and figure out life after that.